I was chewing on a long, yellow stalk with feathery blossomings at the end, like they did in the old days.
I was wearing rolled up jeans, a beat up cool white shirt with a picture of Christian Bale on it (some would say it was a picture of Batman…not me), a red cool trucker hat that was pushed way back on my fuckin' head. Well I was barefoot of course, and my feet were dirty. I was a regular ole American joe working the fields these days, and life was good except my mind kept reminding me of a certain someone, and my mind reminding me kept hurting my heart about that certain someone.
I was lying back in the soft golden land of the rancher I worked for: he was a real nice ole fuck ya know? There I lay looking up at the perfect blue sky. The plane that watered the fields was due any minute. It was a hot day, so I was looking forward to this little field shower. I thought about getting naked, but the rancher had damned kids. I heard the plane a-roarin' and a-tumblin' down the line; down that ole atmosphere; down that beautiful sky; fighting all that gravity; and my mind wandered away and away into the deep blue sky—maybe even to outer space. I used to think it was spelled "outterspace." Otter.
It had been a long time since I had been deported from Mexico and back into the ole U.S. of A. as they call it. I missed my Aztec princess Lizette. Feisty Lizette. I missed her beautiful face and her long legs and her torso and her breasts and her…her fuckin' hair man. Her SMELL man! I missed her sex, the way she could really fuck me. And I missed the way she would lick words into my fuckin' ear.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! I was jolted from my mental masturbations. I sat up scared as all hell.
"HOLY SHIT!" I yelled, "Mista Smith! Yo plane be coming down! It ain't got no wings no mo!" The plane's wings had been blown off somehow, and off the plane went over a hill or mountain to crash, as I saw the pilot jump out without a parachute. He landed on his feet.
Next thing I heard…
"Hey you fucking beaner! Hey you fucking beaner! What you doing on ole man Smith's land? Scoot! Get the fuck off his fucking land you fucking beaner!" From like five angry KKK dudes. They were really a rot to this beautiful Tennessee land.
"Why you ignant mo'fuckin' white trash, shit breath, incest lovin' piece-o-shit alkies! You call me beaner one mo' time and I fuck all y'all up!" I stood up and started making my way to the white pack, but they parted and surrounded me. Shit. I put my dukes up.
They drew it out nice and long, "B-E-A-N-E-R…beaner beaner pants on fire! Beaner beaner pants on fire! Beaner beaner pants on fire!" I don't even know what that meant, but they just kept on yelling. So I ran at the stupidest looking one, but before I could clock him a good one on his missing rotten teeth I blacked out.
I woke up in Mexico.
"Holy hell," I had a pounding motherfucking headache.
In Spanish, "Oye mang, you ok? You look bad ese. You got a big fucking ball on the back of your head," some old handsome fellow. I don't know if he was Mexican.
"Where am I?" I asked in English anyway.
"Mexico. You were deported. Five guys in Tennessee beat the shit out of you, and then they called La Migra on your ass and told them you were a shit head illegal alien beaner. The La Migra believed it too because they stole your I.D. and also because the shithead La Migra was KKK too, so they brought you here."
"Holy shit. How do you know everything that happened? Were you there or something?" I rubbed my fucking skull off it hurt so bad. I was still wearing my cool clothes at least.
"Because I'm the same old man from that one book The Alchemist. I know everything. Have you read it?"
"Shit. Yes I have! I fucking love that book! You're really him? This is amazing."
"Yes. That's me. It's pretty great to see me and meet me huh? Yup that's me."
"Wow," I shook his hand vigorously, and then I hugged him, and then I held him. I had been so lonely for a long time. I just held him and he held me. I was tired and I hurt. My headache went away. I started crying, "Man, I've been so lonely for so long old man. It's really good to see you." He just held me and soothed my soul.
We let each other go, and it wasn't awkward at all. I let out a big ole sigh and looked around, "Yup this is Mexico alright. I guess I'll have to find Diego or someone and try to sneak back over and go home. Ugh what a bummer. I don't blame those KKK fags. They just don't know any better. May God forgive them, because I sure do. Fuck it." I just looked around at the dusty place for a while, and then I got scared the old man would disappear so I looked back at him.
"Nah, you don't have to go home," the old man breathed.
"Ya I guess I don't huh? Or…what do you mean?" I asked. The old man was wearing a great big, beaming, bright smile on his face.
"Here. Take this magical, white horse, and go wherever you want. Go somewhere," he breathed, and all of a sudden a saw the sparkling white horse behind him. I wondered if it had been there this whole time! It fucking sparkled like it was a Twilight™ horse or something––––but not a vampire horse––a good horse.
"Go somewhere? Where? Wow. What a cool horse," I said stupidly.
"Ha ha you are funny son. This is where I leave. Go somewhere," he waited for me to say something.
I looked at the horse, and all of a sudden I could only think of one place to go, "OAXACA!" THE MEXICAN TOWN OF MY BELLE!!!
The old man smiled, "Goodbye for now."
"Goodbye friend! Thanks for the horse!"
The old man snapped his fingers three times, and poof he was gone.
"Wow cool!" I yelled.
"I know!" The horse said.
"Wow! You talk!" I said stupidly.
"Wow! You talk!" He said.
"Horse, can you take me to Oaxaca? Is it too far from here?"
"You can call me Guillermo. Sure I can take you anywhere. It's far as hell, but I ride fast like the wind and don't have to stop for breaks. Hop on."
"OK!"
So off we went, and boy was he right. We must have been going around 160 miles an hour or faster? Sometimes it seemed like we were flying. "Take a nap," Guillermo said, and I said OK and fell asleep.
"Wake up buddy. Wake up buddy," ––Guillermo.
"Huh?"
"We're here. I have to go, but I'll be back at the right time, if I ever need to."
"Wow. Thanks Guillermo. Be safe. Goodbye friend."
"Goodbye," and then this time he really flew away. It looked like he went west, and I imagined him going to some awesome island in the Pacific.
I looked around. Ah! Good ole green, beautiful Oaxaca! I love this place!
And now to get clean and dressed up for my Aztec princess, I thought, but then I looked at myself. I was perfectly clean and had new clothes on. I carefully touched my hair, and I could tell it was fucking perfect and awesome. Well, I'll be damned. Guillermo took me for a shower and bought me clothes.
I heard a rumble. Immediately, I was surrounded, but this time by a bunch of beaners instead of KKK shit heads! Damn it!!!
"Hey yankee asshole. Who said you could come here?"
Motherfuck. I couldn't win. Either I was a beaner in Tennessee or a yankee in Oaxaca. I replied, "Hey motherfuckers, it's Gringo to you."
"WE ARE GOING TO KILL YOU THIS TIME PUTO! YOU WON'T ESCAPE THIS TIME!" They all yelled in unison.
My heart sank. There was exactly 100 of them, and I knew they were serious, and I knew there was nothing that could save me. I was terrified. My breathing quickened. I looked around at all of them, as they laughed–––ugly wolves; they could see I was scared like a little bitch. I thought maybe Guillermo would return, but I doubted. I started to think about accepting my death. I felt really sick, man. I was so close to my princess, and I had met the old man and Guillermo. Fuck man, I felt sick. I thought I was going to puke. How could it end like this, ya know? I clenched my fists. The best I could do was to try and fight my way through some of them and then run. I ALMOST pissed myself, but I sure as hell didn't! They were going to RUIN my perfect hair.
I heard another rumble. This one was far greater than the first one that came with these beaners. It shook the whole fucking earth. I balanced myself, as I almost fell. It can't be! I thought. Could it?
100 of my princess Lizette's women cousins came to the rescue!
There was TOTAL war! 100 beaners verses 100 of Lizette's cousins. There was really no match. The cousins…Las Primas…were too vicious. It was an awesome sight to see. I stood there in the middle of this crazy bloody war! There was blood and death everywhere! And finally it was over.
"Welcome Daniel. You know you are in big trouble? Our cousin the princess has been waiting for you for a long fucking time. Lizette is pretty fuckin' pissed off eh," they all said in a chorus.
"Ehem…uhmm…ehem," they were a rowdy bunch.
"Don't worry! We won't hurt you! If we ever hurt a single hair on your fucking perfect head of hair Karina would kill us!" They all laughed.
"Karina?"
"Shit, you don't even know her real name? Lizette is her princess name."
"Ehem…" they were still pretty damned intimidating after beating the shit out of 100 beaners.
They picked me up, and threw me on top of them, as if I was riding a moshpit. It was great. I was floating on a bunch of Karina's cousins.
"Wooo!!!" I yelled in exuberance.
"Míralo muy feliz!" They all said. Look at him so happy.
I arrived at the famous Aztec palace, a lonely, sad, American bum. They tossed me off, and away they went. I made my way up the golden steps. Could she really be up there waiting for me? I thought. I kept going up, step by step. She's too beautiful damn it. A girl like that couldn't possibly be waiting for me. Ah fuck it. If she don't want me, she don't have to have me, I thought. Up and up I went.
I reached the top and before I could do or say anything Karina had pounced on me, her and her loose Mexican clothing: a white top with no bra, her midriff geez, and a crazy awesome loose skirt that tried to reach her knees but failed. She was barefoot of course. I looked awesome.
Oh Karina how I have missed you! My mind raced like a race horse of course…or a race dog or whatever. Karina! She kissed me, man, and I tried to kiss her back, but I failed, because she was kissing me faster than I could try and kiss her! Her hair everywhere engulfing me in her smell, I died over and over. Her breasts coming out of her loose shirt, here and there, I was aroused one hundred percent, seeing those perfect breasts. She kissed me everywhere. She was a flurry and fury of kisses on an undeserving American bum. I could hardly breath, as I tried to take in her smell as much as I could. And lips everywhere made me explode in orgasm after orgasm of happiness and ecstasy. I just let my tongue hang out so it could lick any part of her that ran across it. At one point I got a hold of her perfect bare ass, as she shoved her tongue down my mouth. What an ass! I mean, just imagine. The person you love the most is kissing your face like she means it! A poor American bum, being ravished by the most beautiful Mexican. This couldn't be real. The old man whispered in my ear slightly (even though he wasn't there), "Yes this IS happening." She dragged me to her chambers.
It took everything I had in me to pin her down and look her in the eyes, but what I saw wasn't what I had wanted to see. What I had WANTED to see was pure joy and ecstasy. I saw pain. She looked away. I turned her head. She closed her eyes. I kissed her lips. Her eyes widened with the same pain, and she looked away.
"You were gone for so long, you estupid idiot," with the most heart breaking sadness, as she held me, as if I could disappear.
"I…I…I…" me stupidly, "I was deported from Mexico back to the U.S. and then I got lost in Tennessee. To be honest, I didn't know you'd miss me."
"What's Tennasí?" She kissed me hard, "I don't want Tennasí to take you away from me ever again you estupid idiot," she kissed me so damn hard, I'm telling you.
Her body was perfect. I took off all her clothing. She took all of mine off, and then we just goddam held each other in a giant luxurious bed made out of ivory, gold, feathers, and all this other fancy shit. We made love real quick, because we both needed it, and then we held each other. We took a shower, and had more sex. And then we held each other, in that one bed. She fucked me like only she knew how. We did it every which way and for a couple days and it was amazing. Finally, she buried her face in my awesome chest and cried herself happily to sleep.
I lay there looking out the goddam window, wondering to myself. Really? I mean, really? You like someone; hell you love someone, and they love you back? This doesn't happen. Imagine wanting one person the most, and that one person wants you the most. That's impossible. It had just happened. It was happening.
Hmmmm. As a religious ole fuck, it made me think of Jesus, as I held the sleeping body of a fucking naked, beautiful, perfect Aztec princess with an ass of a goddess and the most generous and giving breasts. It was like Jesus just came down here, and all he wanted was for us to want him back…not to believe that he existed, necessarily…but to love him, and when we did, Jesus was like in fucking ecstasy.
I had just had ecstasy with this fucking Mexican creature and the erotic explosion could have killed us both, if our love hadn't protected us. I wondered. And then I prayed a shitty prayer: "God protect my shitty self, from my shitty self. Please protect this wild, Aztec princess Karina that loves me for some reason. I love her back. I know I'm shitty. And I know she's probably shitty too, but please forgive us our sins. We'll forgive whoever fucks with us too. Lord, I don't know how to pray, but I figure I'm just talking to you, so, I love you and thanks for all this crazy shit. I love you more than I love this fucking Mexican tigress. Let me know what to do whenever you want to Lord. I'll fucking do it, not because of what I have, but because you love me, and I love you. You know how when two people love each other and they do stuff for each other? Ya you know. Anyway. You saved us. I'll do anything. I promise. I love you a lot God. I'm ashamed. I'm always ashamed, but I'll try not to be because Jesus died like hell on that horrible cross for all my shit. I'll try to be grateful. Help me however you can and however is fair. Please protect my loved ones. I love you. I just want to say I love you. I love you. Amen. Bye."
I lied there. That damned Karina slept like a baby. She let go of her grip on me, and rested upon me, as if she now knew that I loved her just as much as she loved me and that I wasn't going to leave her––––as if something was now comforting her. I wondered in my soul.
I stared at her nipples. I looked over and checked out her ass. She was tan. I kissed her everywhere, while she slept, and I wondered if that was some kind of rape, even though she loved me. I put that thought away. Dumb liberals always trying to make me think something right is something wrong. I laughed. I looked out the window again. I wondered in my soul. I fell asleep.
I dreamt something awesome.
"Wake up Daniel. Wake up."
I sure as hell woke up, when those beautiful wind chimes sang, "Good morning, princess." I looked at her. She was on her knees naked at the foot of the bed. Her breasts hang perfectly, and I couldn't quite see her vagina, but it was there. Her dark hair hung so great around her sun dried shoulders. Her eyes were there gleaming golds, greens, browns, blues, and reds all over the goddam room. Her lips sang. Her ears heard the secret songs of angels. Her nose…her nose…her nose was mine, along with everything else.
"My prince. I'll be right back. I'm going to bring us some fucking fruit to suck on, ok?"
"Princess, before you go, I have two requests."
"Granted. Fucking granted! I'm so happy you're back. You can have anything you want. I don't give a shit what it is. I don't care that I don't even know what it is yet. I say yes. You can have it!" She smiled brighter than the old man himself. My heart beat, as if it were more alive, just to see her.
"Hell! I love you! I'm so happy to see YOU! I'm such a fool. My two requests, I want a kiss, and I want you to lick some words into my unworthy ears––––––any words." I looked at her, as if she might say no, or as if she might disappear. Damn it God! You can make some creatures! They're too lovely! What is happening on this weird planet!!!???
"Granted," she slithered over (and now I could see her vagina; it was still there), and gave me a perfect peck. She gave me another gift, before slithering words into my ears: she stared me square in the eyes. Oh her eyes! She just stared for years upon years and eons upon eons, and my heart was my whole being, and I didn't breathe forever. Her eyes were so beautiful. "OK," she said, "come here," and she licked the loveliest of rhymes, the loveliest of poems, the loveliest of flutters, the loveliest of words into one of my ears, and that was it. It was all complete.
She jumped off the bed, and made her way to the door, as I checked out her ass and back and legs. She paused at the door. She looked back and killed me with her beautiful face, "tell me you love me estupid."
"I love you," I smiled stupidly.
She smiled perfectly. She blew me a kiss, "Ahorita vengo," and she was out the goddam door.
"Wow!" I breathed aloud and fell back onto the bed. I was still naked, and my hair was still perfect.
"Danny."
"Holy shit!" I sat up, "You guys scared the shit out of me!" The old man and Guillermo were in the room. I didn't cover up my dick.
"We're back, and we're happy you're happy. Happiness is fleeting. Be content, and be thankful for any happiness. Sometimes sad times come, but happiness is good too. God loves you. We'll see you later. You won't ever separate from your new wife ever again, we promise."
"Well goddam, thanks guys. You guys are good. You guys are good friends."
"Only The Teacher is good. Be good dude. We'll see you when you get deported back to the U.S. again, and then you'll bring your princess. Things will happen."
"I love you guys. I'll miss you guys."
"As if we won't miss you Danny! We love you. See ya later dude."
"See ya guys!"
The old man snapped his fingers three times and nothing happened. Guillermo looked at me, and we both laughed, and then they both disappeared.
I lied back again, with my hands behind my neck. God was good. I knew I'd be poor again, somewhere sometime, and I hoped that I'd still think God was good. As for now, I was rich and a Mexican prince, with the most beautiful wife. I pondered. I wondered.
I got a little depressed thinking about everything in the world. I got sad. I got happy. I loved. I hated. I held my poor, beat heart. I wondered. I thanked Jesus. I wondered…
Everything is near and so far, I thought to myself, and I began to cry–––––––uncontrollably, but sweetly and deeply, and it felt so damn good, and I thought about Jesus and my family, and I cried some more.
And then that lovely ass walked back into the majestic room. I was in love. I had never thought I'd see her again.
