She is in love with some guy. And this guy doesn't love her. And she can't get this guy out of her beautiful, little head with amazing hair. She probably loves him—especially—because he just doesn't seem to have the time for her! And girls just love what they can't have, don't they? Actually, humans especially want what they can't have, ya? And I think to myself this guy just hasn't noticed her or gotten to know her well enough, for if he had, he'd be in love with her as much as I am! She also probably loves him because he is tall and handsome. Tallness is an attractive feature, no? And handsomeness is an attractive feature too, no? He has great hair too. He also happens to be an outstanding Christian boy (to the extent that anyone can really be that, and as far as anyone can see; maybe he really isn't all that good of a guy), and my girl adores good Christian boys. Who knows, maybe the guy just isn't attracted to her, right? Maybe his type of girl is ugly and not beautiful; it must be. Or maybe he's gay.
Well, this guy is in love with a girl, so he's not gay. This girl that he's in love with is not as good looking as my girl, and she's older than him, but only slightly. Her father runs a big business, and they are well off. She drives a better car than he does, she has no need for money, she is very well put together ALL THE TIME (like flawless, I promise), her father is cooler than him, and although he is finishing seminary school soon, he also wants to work for her father's company; not just work at a church. This girl has an excellent family, and she's a good Christian girl too, and this guy just wants to be part of her family (maybe because his family life wasn't that great?). She has the opposite color hair as my girl, and that bugs my girl to no end, and she thinks that maybe that's why this guy doesn't love her, but that's a silly idea. This girl and my girl both wear high heels, as though they'd die if they didn't wear them; I'm not complaining, even though it makes them taller than me (it seems almost everyone is taller than me, even without high heels); they both look great in high heels. Well this guy thinks—to this day, even—that I can get any girl, but as we can see, that doesn't seem to be the case, and he looks up to me like I'm some sort of "pimp" cool guy. I promise, I am not.
This Christian girl does not love this tall, handsome, perfect haired Christian boy, though! She loves a bad boy that is not a Christian. She grew up in a perfect world, and perhaps she's looking for a retreat from all of that. I might be wrong. This "bad-boy" (I'm badder than him, I promise) is even more well off than she is. He's not as tall as the guy that's in love with her, but he combs his hair in a cooler fashion. So what is it about this guy? Why does that girl love him and not good Christian boy? It can't be that it's just because he's not a Christian, it can't be that it's because he has different color hair, it can't be that he's always dressed in black and wears cool boots, it can't be that he combs his hair super cool all the time... can it? On top of all this, this 'bad boy' pays her attention all the time, and she still loves him. So he's not ignoring her, and she still likes him. He treats her really cool though, and he isn't impressed by her dad, and he's cooler than her dad, and her dad really likes this guy, because he's really funny and natural. He's always making her laugh, and talking to her, and interested in what she has to say, and he remembers her birthday, and his smile is beaming, and his teeth are perfect, and he touches her hand, and shoulder, and arm, and face a lot; and it drives her nuts in a good way. There is something about him, though…it's almost as though his mind is occupied with something else, and it seems like that prevents him from loving her. Could it be his brother that is in Afghanistan? Is it that he's not a Christian and she is? That can't be it, because he's in love with another girl that is a Christian. He feels at ease with this girl, but he doesn't love her; he's so natural around her; it all seems a bit too easy. Maybe he feels a little bit forced to become like her and her family and her Christianity, and maybe that keeps him at bay.
Well, like I said, this "bad boy" is in love with a sweet little Christian girl that happens to be a daughter of a preacher pastor. Her attitude towards him makes him feel like he doesn't have to be anything but himself; he's fine just as he is. This girl melts this fool all easy. She's not nearly as funny as he is, but he finds the smallest things that she does hilarious, and she is slightly awkward, and he can't get enough of that. She has the same color hair as the girl that's in love with him, but this girl makes him laugh and feel giddy and she makes him want to be a Christian (despite his philosophical reservations about Christianity); he has read all of C.S. Lewis' works, he is well read in contemporary debates between theist and atheist; and although he doesn't see a fundamental contradiction with the belief that a grand, creator god may exist, something pulls him toward disbelief. Indeed, he is an atheist, but he is open-minded and continues to work out the debates in his mind, pledging to believe in whatever side is more plausible. He has an inkling that his unbelief is grounded in psychological reasons, not philosophical ones. Well this poor girl just don't love him. He has made his advances to no avail. Her heart is absolutely taken by someone else. She makes him laugh, but she doesn't laugh as much as he does. She wishes him all the best, but she never takes him up on his offers to extravagant dates in his nice cars, even though she'd look just lovely next to his handsome presence; they'd make a lovely couple. All of these people are so very good looking, me the least of all of them of course (but I promise I am funnier than all of them combined!). Why doesn't she love him? Why doesn't she choose this fellow over the one that has her heart firmly? Yes, it is partly because he is not Christian, but if he became a Christian, she knows she wouldn't love him. Something happened before she ever met this fellow, and ever since then, this 'bad boy' had no chance; maybe he never had a chance; maybe he's just not her type? He won't give up though, and I can sympathize with that. What happened to her, so that this guy doesn't have a chance in hell with her? She fell in love with me.
She has cried about me. I've brought her deep sorrow and deep happiness. I used to think that this girl's hair color was my type, but hers is the opposite of the girl's that I am madly in love with. I would think that 'bad boy' is cooler than me, and therefore that this girl should just fall in love with him and wait until the Holy Spirit moves him to become a Christian, but apparently coolness isn't enough—'bad boy' thinking I'm cooler than him anyway, because his girl is in love with me. Why does she love me though? I make her laugh. She loves my family. I feel extremely natural around her (as I do around the girl I am in love with), and maybe that makes her feel safe and good with me. She severely wants me to love her, for me to accept her, and she asks me, "Why don't you love me?" And I ask her, "Why don't you love 'bad boy?'" But I don't love her. She wants to become one with me for eternity. I've seen her face when we are having a good time together, and I can tell she is in heaven, but I can also tell that she dreads the eventual end of our hanging out, and so she clings. Why don't I love her? It can't be because I love another, for one can love more than one, no? I don't know. This girl is beautiful in her way. She is intelligent. She is caring. It's not because she is a little clingy; that doesn't bother me. I know why she loves me. I remind her of someone else, someone I do not know; someone from another life perhaps; someone that she doesn't know perhaps; and perhaps she loved this person that I remind her of, and now here I am the reincarnation of her lost love (maybe a person or character from her youth that I remind her of unconsciously). I'm as cool as it gets for her. As for me though…I ask myself again why don't I love her? The answer is that I love another, and my heart has been asking for my girl for a long time, and my heart says, "If we don't get our girl, then it is better to be single and die single." I love my girl and not this girl because I like my girl better. I like her everything better than I like this girl's everything. I don't know why. It's not because my girl doesn't like/love me, because at one point she did love me. It's just that my girl is my girl and no other girl is, and no other girl ever will be. She'll love me again.
And so I don't love the daughter of a pastor. I love my girl. And she used to love me, but I ruined that a long time ago, but I think I can get her to love me again. These geometrical shapes of love suck, don't they? Yes they do. I wish they could all be resolved, but that would create a paradox, because that would mean that the girl that loves me would get me, and I would get my girl, and my girl would get the handsome seminary student, and the handsome seminary student would get the rich girl with the cool dad, and she would get the 'bad boy,' and the 'bad boy' would get the girl that is severely in love with me, and I would get my girl, and so on, and so on, and so on forever—a paradox.
I'll get my girl yet. You'll see. And to hell with this geometrical shape of love and paradox.
