The Desire to Believe

All arguments for and against the existence of god aside, it is interesting that some people want to believe in the existence of a god, and that others want to believe that god does not exist.  It is obvious why people would want a god to exist: heaven, love, everlasting life, cool shit, the fact that there's a god out there is a pretty awesome idea.  How epic would it be to encounter a Galactus type character?  Very epic!  The desire/want to believe that god exists makes sense to me.  It is akin to wanting something cool to exist: I wish unicorns existed!  How much fun would it be to ride those motherfuckers around the sky?  I guess if they did exist though, we wouldn't be so impressed by them.  Look at whales and sharks and the universe!  They are insane!  They actually exist, yet we are hardly impressed by them!  How sad that we are so apathetic about all of creation; it's all so monotonous to us, despite how incredible and relentlessly unbelievable and staggering it all is.  Why would anyone want god to not exist?  I am only referring to people that--despite arguments for or against the existence of god--hate the idea of god existing.  Perhaps they do not want hell to exist, and so they don't want to believe in god; there are ideas of god that don't entail an everlasting hell, though, and yet these people would rather god did not exist.  I don't understand this aversion to the belief in god.  It seems like a more beautiful thing to at least want to believe in a good god; it is a more good thing for everyone; for although some people that don't believe in god claim love and goodness are objective things that come through evolution, those things are nonetheless relative and arbitrary--ultimately meaningless.  God provides a solid, real, non-arbitrary foundation for such things: goodness, love, etc.  To want to believe that god does not exist is FUCKING absurd, if you ask me.  It makes much more sense to at least want to believe that god exists.  Who wouldn't want to believe in the best possible reality, where there is a heaven, perfect justice, goodness, and meaning?  Apparently, there are some people that wouldn't want to.  I remember a fellow student once said, "If there is a god, I'd rather go to hell than to heaven."  Why people would rather believe in a meaningless universe and a meaningless life is a question psychologists can probably answer.  I do understand people not wanting to believe that god exists, because of different arguments, though; I can see them being agnostic on the issue.  It seems to me that atheism is dead, though.

I hear/read statements such as this one often: "We don't need god to answer or explain how the universe and life began to exist."  I don't know how anyone can know that for certain (just because you arrived at cool answers about the nature of the universe and life does not mean you arrived at those answers sans god).  In any case, people take such statements and really run with them!  People take that statement, and with it take it to mean that god does not exist, or that we don't need to believe in god, or that there are no good reasons to believe in god, or that we don't need to further argue the case for or against god.  That statement is not an argument for atheism.  I don't need my mother to explain how milk got into the refrigerator.  There are many ways in which the milk could have gotten there.  Sometimes it is not about what answer is needed.  Sometimes it's about which answer is the best answer or which answer is the most logical or which answer has the most evidence to support it.  You can just as well say, "We don't need the sciences to answer or explain how the universe and life began to exist."  Those kinds of statements don't really get us anywhere.

Of Mary and Abigail... and Me

It was the year 1800 (a brand new fucking century), and I was feeling good!  Part of it was that I had been drinking moonshine.  I was now twenty two years old, and I felt like a fucking man!  Luckily, I had been born into a semi-well-to-do family; I had the freedom to go to school.  I was going to finish law school and then figure shit out.  As for now, I thought it was a good time to find a wife!

This fucking farmer down the way had the most beautiful daughter in the world.  I hadn't seen her in a couple of years, but she had to be at least sixteen by now.  Her parents were very wealthy too, selling a bunch of produce and shit.  I think they'd like me.

I jumped on my horse Jumper and rode a couple laps around our property.  I loved the wind in my face, and I spread my arms out and acted as if I was flying.

"Fuck me!  I'm flying, mama!  I'm really flying, mama!"  I was feeling like I was on top of the world.  I wasn't sure why.  Oh ay, partly because of my swigging, but it was something else as well.  It was a prevailing mood in the air.  Things were going to be ok.  "I'm an American, mama!  I'm flying!"  I was yelling and being happy and silly and stupid.

I tied up the horse and went into my room in our big fucking cabin.  My whole fucking room was papered with drawings my brother had given to me.  I especially liked the ones of beautiful girls with big asses, small waists, big breasts, and long legs.  The whole fucking room was covered in drawings.

I got into bed and hoped to fall asleep quickly.

My brothers knocked and came into my room.

"What's up Merchant.  What's up Doctor."

"What's up Dan," both of them helloed me at the same time.

"Well, I'm in love.  Can you believe it?"

"I saved some crazy bastard today.  His arm was half off.  This guy was yelling his head off.  I thought he'd pass out, but he just stayed awake the whole time.  It was fucking crazy.  I had to snap his bone off, and he was like 'Ouch!'"  Doctor grabbed his own arm and did an impression of the guy, "Ouch!  And then I had to stop the bleeding.  Poor guy only has one arm now, but at least he's alive--I guess."

"Hey, if you're going to the city tomorrow, can you pick up some paint?"  Merchant was the artist.

"Ya, man.  That shit's crazy Doctor.  Did he yell the whole fucking time?"

"Ya, man.  When I was fixing his fucking arm, I thought I was going to choke him instead and just put him out!"

"He probably wanted his arm, huh?  Which arm was it?  Was he left or right handed?"

"He was right handed and he lost his right arm, so now he can't jack off, Merchant.  He was yelling the whole time 'Ah shit!  I won't be able to jack off any more!'  And he kept slapping his knee with his left hand," Doctor slapped his knee mimicking what his patient looked like.  He made a face like saying "Oh darn, I lost my right arm."  He continued, "Actually, that's why he was screaming, because he wasn't going to be able to jack off any more."

"Fuuuuck.  Well he can just get good at jacking off with his left hand.  Ha ha!  His left hand and arm are going to be all weak trying to jack off, he's gonna get all tired, and he's not going to be able to finish!  And fuck, imagine that?  Like he's not going to be able to grab his dick all hard with two hands when he's jizzing out--just one fuckin' weak left hand, squeezing all hard.  And then when he's grabbing some girl's ass he's gonna have to keep switching from the right butt cheek to the left butt cheek with one hand!"  He began mimicking a one armed man switching grabbing a girl's ass and making sex noises.  Merchant was on a roll.

"Ha ha!  If someone fucks him in the first place--fucking the one armed man.  At least girl's can see that shit right away!  It's not like he'll be flirting with some bitch, and he'll have to be all like, 'hey I have to tell you... I only have one arm.'"  This could have gone all night.

"So you're gonna see that girl tomorrow?"  Doc asked.

"Ya man.  I'm gonna go see her father or whatever the fuck, and then I'm gonna talk to her and see what the fuck.  I'm fully one hundred percent in love, and I'm ready to settle down."

"Who's the lucky lady?"  Merchant asked.

"Abigail Kent, from the town over."

"Oh nice!  That bitch sixteen now, I think."  Merchant and I liked the young ones.

"Shit.  I thought you liked that Mary girl.  Mary Green, was it?  She's probably better.  I think she's twenty four.  You should go for her, man."  Doctor was guided by prudence.

"Ya!  I like her too.  Maybe I'll try to see both of them tomorrow."

"How's your new song coming out?"

"Which one?  The one called 'Abigail Kent' or the one called 'Creep?'"

"I don't know."

"Ah, well they're both coming out fine.  'Creep' is about Mary.  I'm thinking of calling it 'Mary Green,' but they're both pretty much done."

"Alright, well I'm going to sleep now."

"Me too.  Goodnight, Dan."

"Goodnight, Doctor.  Goodnight, Merchant."

They went out, and they closed the door behind them.

It was a cold and bitter fucking night that night, but tomorrow I would call on the beautiful young ladies.  I was in love after all.  I slept like a fucking darling and had five strange, wild dreams...

I walked through a dense forest.  Only the path right in front of me was alighted.  I followed the path.  I came across a jungle cat, probably a panther.  Hello I said to her.  Hello she said back to me.  Come run your hand across my back.  Feel my smooth black body, and make me feel good.  I obliged.  We rolled around in the middle of a clearing of this strange and dark forest.  Say goodbye to me, she said.  I bid her farewell, and she told me she was happy.  What a strange cat, I thought to myself, what a beautiful panther woman.

And then I was on top of a huge fucking mountain, and the wind was threatening to push me off the precipice.  And the wind spoke to me.  Hello Daniel, it said to me.  I responded, why are you trying to push me off this cliff Mighty Wind?  I yelled, Mighty Wind!  Be kind, Mighty Wind!  I cannot fight you!  I cannot even see you!  The wind replied, you better watch your step Daniel.  You better watch your fucking step.  Get off my mountain, Daniel.  With new braveness, I bellowed, this is MY mountain Mighty Wind!  Push me off, if you must!  I admire your foolish braveness Daniel.  Peace be with you... for now.

I was standing in the middle of a black, hard surface.  There were yellow and white lines running across the middle and sides of this strange hard surface.  I got down on my knees and smelled the surface, and it smelled sweet.  I heard the roaring of a hundred lions, and I stood up, but there were no lions to be found.  Far away, I saw two bright eyes racing toward me; I couldn't move.  The lights became angry lamps of fire.  I felt a deep fear, for I knew these lamps wanted to kill me.  I tried to move faster than I was, but I couldn't.  I tried to move, but I couldn't.  The racing lamps stopped in front of me, but its circular feet screeched, as if they had their own voices.  I walked around this metallic animal.  It roared and scared the shit out of me, and then it ran away.


A turtle shuffled slowly to the shore.  I think I was the turtle, but I couldn't be sure.  The ocean looked big.  The ocean looked blue as all hell.  As I entered the ocean, the salty salts of the salty ocean were awash in my maw; I dove deep.  Everything went black, but I felt safe.

Three hundred stars crashed down to Earth, but as they neared Earth they got smaller and smaller, until they became three hundred little stars that landed safely and peacefully on Earth.  I walked to the center of all the little stars.  They were the sizes of different sized humans.  They all gathered around me.  "You're a star, like us!"  They all fucking yelled loudly.  It was quite a fucking chant.  "You're a star like us!"  They shrunk even more until they were the sizes of different star fish.  Now, their chants sounded smaller and not so harsh.  They all jumped and attached themselves to me, one by one, until I was all fucking covered by star fish!  It was fucking scary, man!  I tried walking, but it was a laborious task.  They started making me float with their star powers.  Slowly, I was going into the atmosphere, and it seemed I was headed to outer space!  I started to panic and wriggle wildly.  "Don't fight it," one of the stars lashed evilly with his tongue into my ear, "You're a star, like us now.  Don't fucking fight it.  We're taking you home!"  No!  I yelled, "No!  No!  No!"  I began to not be able to breath!  And then they let me go, and I began falling back to Earth.  "You're one of us!"  They screeched as they slowly became bigger and bigger and traveled farther and farther away from Earth and back to where they came from.

When I woke up, I just wanted to be in the arms of the women I loved.  Motherfuck, I had a headache.  I went to the kitchen, found some semi-non-stale milk and chugged it, and then I went back to sleep.  When I woke up again, I felt much better.

I went out to the river, and bathed, and got dressed in my finest clothes.  I snuck (did you know snuck is not a word?  Maybe it is now, though?)... I sneaked into Doctor's chambers and used a whole grip of his pomade; I slicked my hair back, and I was ready to go.

I grabbed my great, grand, giant overcoat, jumped on my steed, and made my way over to ask for Miss Kent's hand in marriage.  I was sure her father would be impressed, for fuck's sake!

KNOCK!  KNOCK!  KNOCK, on the Kent's door.  I straightened my shit out.  "Who is it!" Came from inside.

Fuck me, "Uh..." I had to yell, because the call came from deep inside the house, "It's Danny from down the way!  It's Danny Castro!"  Fuck me.

"Uh huh!  Come back later!  It's too early!"  Gruff ass fucking voice.  Fuck me.  Fuck this.  I'm going home and never trying this shit again.  I'll just wait 'till some fucking bitch likes me, and I'll settle for that.  Shivers ran down my spine.  What the fuck was I thinking putting myself in a position to be rejected.  Fuck me.

I decided to hit the town.  It was a festive time of year, so I thought I'd enjoy some sweet bread or whatever the fuck they had to eat in the year 1800.  The clouds were still low, and the briskness of everything felt fucking great.  I ran my hands through my hair to smooth the shit out of it and keep it slicked back.

There were fancy decorations all over our small goddamn downtown.  It was sweet, and it made me feel all romantic and shit.  I saw a pharmacy that was open.  All the morning people were walking around and being all morning style and shit.

The ding of a bell dinged, as I walked into the pharmacy, announcing an arrival.

"Good morning, Danny!"

"Schaffer, good morning.  What's going on?  Mike and Elijah working this morning?"  Those motherfuckers were my age, and Schaffer was their dad.

"Oh, no no no no no no.  They're asleep upstairs still."

"Well, that's great.  Hey, do you have something to make me feel better?  I feel ok, but I think I might have a hangover... shit, for that matter, do you have anything to make me a little more confident?  I was going to ask for Abigail Kent's hand in marriage from her father this morning, but I bitched out!"

"Ha ha!  What happened?  She's sixteen now I think too."

"Oh the motherfucker didn't even answer the door.  He said to come back later because it was too early."

"Ha ha!  And that scared you off, huh?"

"Well, after knocking I realized what the fuck I was getting myself into, and then I started thinking that maybe she wouldn't even want to marry me.  I thought fuck it all.  This shit is embarrassing.  You know what I mean?"

"Oh!  I sure do, Danny."

"Ya, well who knows."

"But, how old are you?"

"I'm like twenty two or something.  I don't remember.  Somewhere 'round them parts."

"Well, what the fuck you worried about then?  Of course she'll want you.  And her father is just a serious man.  Of course he'll give you his blessing."

"Scary shit man.  Who even wants to get married anyway.  I'll just live in sin with all the slutty girls."

"Well, do whatever you want, but yes I do have some shit that will both take your hangover away and give you more confidence.  You should have confidence already with that mane of yours, though!"

"Oh shut the hell up, Schaffer.  Whatchu got?"

"Here," he reached under or some shit and pulled out a flask, "go out to the park down the way, drink half of this, take a nap, and when you wake up drink the other half.  You'll feel great, and you'll feel like you're a fucking king!  You'll go right up to the Kent home, you'll knock the goddamn door down, and you'll hoist little miss Kent over your shoulder, and ride into the sunset to fuck her!"

"Ha ha!  Ok!  What is this shit anyway?"

"Oh just some shit I got from down the way."

"Great!  Well, tell the guys I say hello, when they wake up."

"I'll drop by your place in a week or so, and you can pay me then.  See ya Danny."

"Thanks Schaffer.  See ya."

I walked over to the park.  A couple people were feeding the ducks at the pond.  I found a secluded area.  The air was brisk still, but it wasn't as cold.  It was a slightly windy and cool beautiful day.  I sat my ass down, and chugged half of the flask.  I coughed hard.  Did this motherfucker just give me a flask of whiskey?  Oh fuck it.  With my hands behind my head, I laid back and looked at the gray sky.  I started thinking great and fun things.  My eyes began to close on their own.  They closed all the way, and the wonderful thoughts kept flooding my mind.  I didn't really dream.  Instead, I kind of just thought great and happy fun things, but I wasn't quite awake awake.  It was strange but beautiful.

I put my arm around someone, as I continued my non-sleep sleep.  She put her arms around me and kissed my neck.  I lowered my face and kissed her lips.  This non-sleep was better than real sleep.  My thoughts carried me to faraway lands, where rivers and lakes were made of crystal clear waters and diamonds.  I rode through mountain passages and tunnels on a silver horse that had jet black hair and blue and green eyes.  I rode fast, and the woman held onto me.  I had philosophical conversations with lions and tigers over tea.  I led armies to victories against demons.  A band named Coldplay played epic and beautiful music, all the while.  And finally, I sat on a throne made of the swords of forefathers.




I felt incredibly relaxed, and reenergized, and at peace.  My eyes were still closed, but now I was awake.  I didn't move.  Something was wrong.

My mind raced...

Holy shit.  I kept my eyes closed.  I'm really holding someone.  What the fuck!?  Oh shit.  What do I do?  I can't open my eyes.  This is fucked up!  MotherFUCK me!

The person kissed my neck again.  I'm fucking dead.  I'm going to fucking kill Schaffer.  I am going to kill Schaffer.  Someone is fucking with me.  Motherfuckers.  The person kissed me again.  This bitch BETTER fucking be a woman!

The person's head was resting near my neck and chest, so I slightly peeked through eyelid slits at the top of the person's head, without moving my own head.  I closed my eyes again.

I had gotten a look at some skin--maybe an arm.  It was dark skin.  The hair was long.  I was pretty sure it was a woman.  Something was familiar about her.  FUCK IT.

I pounced off of it and then got on top and pinned its arms down.  MARY!

"Mary!  What the fuck!  You scared the shit out of me!"  I was still on top of her.

She contemplated me with critical eyes and then BAM!  As fast as lightning, she kissed me hard on the lips!

I let her go and threw myself back.  She sat up and sat Indian style, giggling and gazing at me, "Do I scare you?"

I sat down.  I searched for the bottle.  I found it.  I finished it off.  "No... I just didn't know... what the fuck are you doing hugging me, while I'm sleeping?"

"Oh you looked so adorable and alone!  I couldn't help myself."  She smiled fiercely, and brilliantly, and brightly, "it was nice, wasn't it?"  She teased me, and my heart was telling me to love her forever.

"Were you kissing me!?"

"Maybe," she giggled, "were you kissing me?"

"Shit I don't know.  I was asleep!"

"Well, maybe you were," she smiled, and I felt like a king.

"Well... hey... it's good to see you... but... I was on my way to ask for Abigail Kent's hand in marriage today--"

"Oh!"  She cut me off, and then she covered her mouth with both her hands to stifle the laughter.

I looked at her, seriously and confused.  And then I caught her take the slightest of glances above me and to my left.  Still laughing mutely, Mary looked straight down.  My eyes went wide.  Oh shit.

ABIGAIL!  I stood up and turned around.  There she was.  Her eyes were as opened wide as mine were.  She blushed as all hell.  She turned around and walked as fast as she could, without running, away from us.  I turned hard to face Mary Green.

She was wearing a slight, sad smile on her beautiful face now, "Well, go after her..." with downcast eyes.

What a strange creature.  I gave her a puzzled look.  I turned and slowly walked in the direction Abigail had gone.

I finally saw her far off and a little past the downtown area.  I sped up.  I felt like a king.  I walked past Schaffer's store; Schaffer and his sons saw me walk by; I waved and they gave me thumbs up.

I caught up to her, "Abigail?"  I don't know why it was a fucking question.  She kept walking and looked away from me, "are you crying?  Abigail?"  I grabbed her hand, "Abigail?"  She pulled her hand away and stopped.  We were in the middle of a field; she was on her way home.  She was crying and sobbing and weeping and who knows what the hell else.  "Abigail?  Why are you crying?"

Finally, she looked at me.  Boy she was beautiful, and I felt like a fucking king!  She grabbed both of my hands, "do you really want to marry me?  Do you love me?"

"Yes!  I was going to talk to your father this morning, but he told me to come back later, so I took a nap in the park.  Do you love me back?"

"Yes!"  She hugged me like crazy, throwing her arms around my neck and crying into my neck.

"Listen.  Go home, and I will come up and talk to your father."  She was crying happily, "I love you." I felt like a goddamn king.

"Ok!"  She held onto me and looked me in the fucking eyes, "I love you," and she gave me a perfect kiss on the cheek.  She ran off in her 1800s dress, homeward bound.

Fuck me.  Wow.  Everything is going perfectly.  Fucking Schaffer.  I owe that motherfucker.  I stood paralyzed in that said field.  Oh shit!... Mary!  What the fuck was all that about?  I ran back to the park; I had left my steed there anyway.

There she was.  Mary was caressing my horse.  She looked perfect in the perfect light that filtered through the perfect, leafy, Green arbor.  I stood afar, delighting in her beauty, and then she saw me.  She smiled and then went back to petting the stallion.  I slowly made my way next to her, and it felt incredible.  I felt like I was on fire, in a good way.  I was completely aflame.

"How did it go?" She asked in a hushed, subdued voice, not looking at me.  She continued caressing.  Her face was serious and almost sad.

I didn't say shit.  I laced my fingers through her dark fingers.  I admired our interwoven hands.  I leaned my head on my horse's head and put my arm around his neck, still holding Mary's hand.

The Green Eyed Bum Woman and the Beautiful Bug

Well, we made a bunch of love, but good thing we never made any babies.

I loved her, and she loved me, and one time we were in the throes of love and passion.  She kissed my whole face, and I held her like we were dying, which we were.  The whole world shook, and we shook the whole world.  We ate until we were full.

Naked and happy we laid, my dick flaccid and her breasts askew.

She got up and flew to take a shower.  I turned over and looked out the open doors and past the veranda.  Fez, Morocco was beautiful tonight.  The sky was deep purples and blues.  The clouds were slight and made of benign shapes and SILVER.

An evil wind blew the curtains around the whole fucking bedchamber.

I saw a deceptively diminutive bug riding that awesome wind, and slowly it made its way toward me. Slowly it made its way into my mouth and down my throat and into mine gut, me being paralyzed by its awesome colors shining into mine eyes; the moon was powerfully scintillating that night, and it had thrown the bug's awesome colors all over the goddamn room.  The room was now painted in awesome, bright and beautiful, deep, pastel colors!

The bug deliquesced in the acid of my gut, and it made its way throughout my blood vessels.

When the sweet woman came out of the shower, smelling sweetly, she found me coughing and blue of skin.  We had only been married for ten years at that point.

Five years of coughing later, she finally said to me, "I just can't do this any more.  You've been coughing for five years now!  You cough in your fucking sleep!  You cough while you eat!  I know it's not your fault, but it's driving me mad!  I'm so sorry!  I AM GOING INSANE!  I'm only 35 years old!  I'm so sorry, but I can't do this any more."

I coughed, "I don't blame you."  I coughed.

"I love you.  Take care of yourself.  Goodbye."

I coughed, "I love you too.  Goodbye."  I coughed.

She finally left me.  Well of course she would leave me.  I had been coughing for five years straight now!  It could have driven me insane.  It could have, certainly.

I crept into some alleyway, and a nice, beautiful, orphan woman took care of me, until I coughed no more.

I remembered my patient and loving ex.  I didn't hold it against her... my ex leaving me.  I thanked the beautiful, green-eyed, orphan woman.

I went on my way.  I would see her again, under different circumstances.

I sang.