EyeFucking Freak

This girl was all looking at me in class today, but she was looking at me like if I fucked her over or something.

She would stare at me for over five seconds and I would try to maintain her stare, but she would overpower me and I would puss out and look away... then I would look at her again and she'd still be staring me as if I had fucked her over.  Her face all screwed up.  Fucking glaring at me.

After class, I manned up, and I went up to her and asked her, "Why were you staring at me all hard in class?  Do I know you?"

"I wasn't looking at you... freak."  And she walked away wiggling her ass as she went.

Fat Boy and Thong: A Love Story

It was the first day of school, and unfortunately I was in a bad mood.  I sat all the way in the back and slouched back on the chair and threw my arms over the little desk.  People could tell I was cool and didn't give a fuck.

This fat boy walked in to class and I could tell he was in a bad mood too.  He stopped at the entrance to the room and looked around sullenly for a seat.  He pulled down on his big ass shirt to make sure his fatness wasn't hanging out I guess and his hair was all shitty and just dry, but he looked clean enough.  I could just read his mind: "yea yea, i'm fat, but i'm not going to let you all think i'm fucking dirty too.  you all just want to talk shit in your minds about how i'm fat, but at least i'm clean.  motherfuckers."

He spotted me and figured me for a fellow world-hater so he made his way over to sit by me--he probably had grand ideas about how our angst would somehow create a black hole and the class would collapse into our darkness.

We did the "what's up" nod and then I felt bad for thinking about his fatness and noticing him pulling his big ass shirt down with his chubby hands.

Some girl walked in late as all hell and spoke to the teacher in some midwestern accent; she was dressed like a nun.  She was probably from Akron, Ohio.  There was something cute about her, but she seemed lost in California.  She looked around with a worried expression on her face; nobody in class wanted anything to do with her and her non-California-ness.

As usual, the teacher had a really original idea: everyone in the room had to introduce themselves, and say what the fuck they were doing in this class.

The big guy's name was Fat Boy and he was just killing time at school because his grandpa was paying for his education.  Nobody cared and nobody was impressed.

Everybody else said regular, cool, jaded, California things, and all fellow Californians laughed at each other's cool witty comments.  Californians stick together like gay dickheads.

Then, from across the room Miss Akron, Ohio introduced herself.  "Hi, I'm Thong.  I'm from Akron, Ohio.  I'm loving California... I don't miss Akron at all."  She said enthusiastically.  Fat Boy laughed aloud by himself and then shut up real fast.  He sank in his chair and I could tell he quickly developed a deep hatred for Thong because she had fucked him over and embarrassed him.

I caught a quick glance the little nun shot over at Fat Boy.

The next day Akron Nun Girl had transformed into Wannabe Californian Bro Hoe Girl.  She strutted her shit right into class to the chagrin and dismay of the rest of the class--everyone except Fat Boy.  His hate for her dissipated a little bit.  I looked at her then at him and then at her and then at him.  She was so awkward.  She was talking to the teacher again, but this time she was sticking her butt out and showing off her awesome midriff and even more awesome thong.  Don't' get me wrong, she was cute as hell.

You know how after the first day of class you kind of expect everyone to sit in the same fucking place they did before?  You don't want anyone to fuck with the way things are!

Everyone was so uncomfortable with the way she was dressed.

Little miss Thong shoved her ass right over and sat next to Fat Boy; on his left.  "Hi."  She smiled at him, sitting all crazy and shit.  Fat Boy was so happy and just looked at her and then looked at his desk quickly.  He looked at me and I nodded at him and raised my right eyebrow suggesting that the girl was hot or interested in him or something.  He laughed.  We were all happy and comfortable in the back row.  Bunch of fucking losers.

All of a sudden Fat Boy and Thong were in their own little/big world.  They didn't give a fuck what we all thought, and Fat Boy really liked that thong.

There was happiness in the world.

Ugly Animals, Ugly Places, Ugly People

People find it easy to hate ugly animals.  The people that don't give a fuck about these ugly animals just loooove other animals.  They love beautiful animals.  I hate these guys!

And then when people talk about drilling oil from this precious planet they cry about how such beautiful environments are gonna get ruined.  These people only care about beautiful landscapes... not the ugly ones.  Fuck the ugly ones.

So... should we hate ugly people too?  Or love ugly animals and places?  Or is it all just a bunch of bull shit?  Should beauty or lack of beauty be a reason to hate or love anything?  Does beauty exist?  Ya it does.

Ugly people are so lame!

99 Girl Problems

A five year old kid is sitting on some steps outside of his house.  Another five year old kid comes over and sits next to the first kid.  Now there are two kids sitting on the steps in front of the first kid's house for a total of ten years worth of life experience.

"Man I'm bummed."

"Why's that dude?"

"Well this girl I been seeing found out I be fucking other girls too."

"So?"

"She don't like it, that's 'so' what."

"What's the big deal?"

"The big deal about me caring that she's all bummed or the big deal about fucking other girls while I have a girlfriend already?"

"Both."

"Well, I kind of like her and I don't want her to leave... I think I might love her man."

"And?"

"Ya, I don't know what the big deal is about "cheating" or whatever.  I guess we're not supposed to right?  You get in a relationship and, so, you're pretty much promising that you won't eat another girl out, right?"

"Do you care if she sucks some other dudes dick?"

"Ya, I don't want her to do that."

"Why not?"

"What?  Are you some sort of fucking psychologist now?"

"Whatever man, I don't give a fuck about any of this."

"Because it's gross dude.  She can't be going around sucking everyone's cock off.  It's fucked up to me.  She's only supposed to be sucking my cock off."

"So, it's not really because it's gross to suck cocks off, but because you're selfish and only want her to suck your cock off.  You don't want her to get around because you want to feel special that she only sucks your, and only your, cock off.  So it all boils down to being selfish.  EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE UNIQUE, SINGULAR, and SPECIAL."

"Well, what if I let her suck other cock-and-balls and then she falls in love with some other dude and then leaves me?"

"What if she sucks a million pairs of cock-and-balls, and never leaves you?  Would that be ok then?"

"...no.  That still wouldn't be cool."

"Then her leaving you or not leaving you is beside the point as to whether you want her sucking cock-and-balls.  It's that you want to feel special and like a king."

"Right, I guess so."

"Does she want to suck other balls?"

"No, she said she only wanted to suck mine, but that now she's gonna go around sucking everyone else's balls."

"It's not that she didn't want to suck anyone else's balls before.  She always wants to be sucking balls.  It's that she didn't want you sucking other titties except for hers.  She wants you all for herself, and she wants to be all yours... so that you guys will be all special and shit... so that she can feel special... see?"

"So... this is all about being selfish and feeling special?  It's not even about the other person?"

"Sure you love the other person or whatever, but it could just as well be someone else.  Or it can be someone else later.  But we love all people--just differently.  Didn't you love anyone else when you were three?  You could have just as well been born in Nantucket as a hermaphrodite sucking tits and balls and cocks and pussies and butt holes and toes and... everything.  Did you choose to be born here in Jersey before you were born?"

"I don't remember what was going on before I was born.  Maybe I was up in heaven and God let me choose."

"Ya, I guess that's possible, but there's no way for us to know that, so, you just have to assume you didn't have a choice about what you were born into."

"Right."

"Listen dude.  You're just with her because you don't want to be lonely.  PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO BE LONELY, even though, in the end, everybody dies alone and you don't get to be with anyone after you die for all we know.  We all just want to be SPECIAL SPECIAL SPECIAL.  It's all quite inconsequential and what we are all really trying to do is feel special and loved and trying to kill time by diverting our minds away from the certainty that we are perishing at an exorbitant rate.  If she's not gonna let you be with her because you're boning other chicks then either you gotta stop sucking other tits or don't get caught.  It's because she wants to feel like a princess.  And you want to feel like a king.  You want to go to the club and be all like 'ya that's right bitches my girl only sucks my cock off.'"

"Yea..."

"We ALL are special, but for some reason, frenziedly we desperately want to be widely acknowledged as such.  When someone 'cheats' on you, it is a blow to your ego and you feel worthless.  That is a shitty feeling.  Your feelings are all hurt like a little baby's.  Boohoo, I'm not special.  Then you try all hard for that person to want you again even though they're the one that fucked up!  Ha ha!  It is all so vain."

"Hmmm..."

"If you bang other chicks all the way until you both die and she never finds out, what difference will it make when you're both dead?"

"None."

"Right, you just gotta ask yourself if it's worth risking.  And since you don't want to be all lonely and shit, if you get caught you'll have to go through the trouble of finding another bitch that you can tolerate and that can tolerate you and all that bullshit."

"Right."

"So, there's no need to fucking bitch about it dude.  If you get caught, well then fuck it.  No big deal, just fucking deal with it."

"So, it's not necessarily wrong to cheat on my girlfriend because she's just with me so that she won't be lonely and because she finds me fair enough to be with?"

"I don't know why you're asking me.  But, I think at that point, it's about being honest.  I don't think you have to be honest for her sake specifically.  If you plot to get with other girls and just plan on not getting caught, then that makes you a conniving liar.  That's the only thing that's really wrong.  You're mistreating another human--that's what's wrong here, not the sucking other tits.  You gotta love people man.  If you fuck up once, then whatever, everybody fucks up all the time.  But, if you live your life as a conniving liar... that just makes you... a conniving liar."

"And that's wrong huh?"

"If God exists then yea.  Either because God said so, or because goodness is just part of his nature and being a conniving liar goes against goodness.  If there is no god, then, no, it's not wrong, because there would be no absolutely true standard of what is right or wrong.  Everything would be subjective as fuck.  EVERYTHING."

"Man, thanks for helping me out!"

"No problem dude.  I hope I helped out."

"Oh shit, look at that girl across the street... she's hot as fuck!  Too bad I'm not single--I'd bone her so fast!"

"Then you'd be a conniving fornicator.  Hey, you could bone her and then just feel bad about it.  It's not like you have to plan every time you're gonna suck other titties ha ha!  I'm sure you'd feel bad about it anyway since you're a theist, no?"

"Nah man, I don't want to be a dick to my girl.  I like her; she's cool.  I just fucked up last time.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I don't want to hurt her."

"Well if she don't find out, she don't get hurt."

"But I'll know, and I'll feel rotten.  And plus, I guess I don't want to risk hurting her feelings."

"Well, that's between you, your conscience, and The Big Guy upstairs."

"Yea... but hey!  Why don't YOU go fuck her?  You're single right?"

"Shhhiiiiitttt, that girl is hot as fuck, AND, she's like seven years old.  WAY out of my league!"

"Haha you pussy.  Let's go get some beers at my place man--my mom and my step-dad are gone for the night."

"Sick!  I'll invite some chicks."

The Sandman and Me

As is not uncommon of a thing to happen to me, an ill fate befell me.  I fell asleep in the middle of the fucking day.  I thought I was playing Zelda: Skyward Sword in the middle of the day, but I had woken up too early that day so, without knowing, I blacked out on the couch when a soporific ooze made a mush out of my brain.  I slumped and I was gone... without even knowing it.

And then my dream began.

I was wearing a cool ass fucking purple robe that was lined with gold trimmings and diamonds and I was naked underneath.  I popped off my giant, luxurious bed and stood up with a surging vitality; my good ass blood was pumping through my body all good and my heart was pumping strong because it was strong.  I stood in front of my big ass, solid-gold-framed, diamond mirror--I must have been six-foot-two.  Nice!  With my magical powers I popped an infinitely capable remote control out of nowhere into my hand and popped on Maroon 5's "Moves Like Mick Jagger" (or whatever the fuck it's called) and then I started thrusting around my room dancing my way to the liquor cabinet.

Then I popped off a bottle of whiskey and took a good chug right out of the bottle.  Why?  Because I've been watching way too much Boardwalk Empire, that's why.

And then things took a turn for the bad.  An ominous motherfucker stood at my window looking at me all creepy.  I stood six-foot-two tall and just stared back at him with my robe all open and with my dick staring him down too.  "What up biatch!"  I screamed in a high pitched gangster tone and with a lot of confidence.  I wasn't afraid of no motherfucker.  I'm never afraid in my dreams.  Sometimes, I'm sad in my dreams, but I am hardly ever afraid--never.

"Come to the front door biatch!"  I yelled in my cool high-pitched style.

I walked over to my big ass front door and opened it wide and there he was waiting.   "Sup, dude.  Who da fuck you?"

"I am The Sandman."

"Ok, ok.  Come in man.  So, what do you do?  You just cruise around in people's dreams and shit?  And you make them go insane or something?  Or you rape chicks or something?"

The biatch took off his cloak and he was dressed all normal and cool underneath.

"Shit man, I'm gonna get dressed cool too then.  I'll be right back."  I got dressed cooler than him.

"Let's go."  Alright I said.

We walked down the road for a little bit in silence.  He was a good looking dude, but there was something off about him.  He seemed empty inside.  It was as though he was an empty vessel--a machine programmed to do whatever he did.  We got to some farmhouse and a man was working the fields.  Sandman yelled out to him, "Hey!  You farmer!  Fuck you!"  The farmer looked over and gave us a sad look and then returned to his work.  "Ha ha!  That was funny huh?  He got all hurt."

"Ha ha.  I guess that was kind of funny."  I said.

We walked further and finally reached a bohemian town where everybody was cool.  People were sitting at cafés, at delis, and at wine shops.  The café people were trying to drink cooler coffees than the person sitting next to them.  The deli people were trying to convince their fellow cheese-eating cheese-heads that their palates and taste-buds were more cultivated than everybody else's... but, of course, not without being humble, because they also mentioned that they were introduced to certain cheeses by exotic monks that lived in the Himalayas--they had taken a trip there with their life partners two summers past.  The wine connoisseurs were each trying to act as if they cared less about everything than the next wino.  We walked by and heard some of the conversation.

"Oh bother.  My husband is so absurd."  Random ass lady waiting for her friend to inquire about the situation.

"Oh mine is so eccentric, but I don't care."  They both took good swigs of their wines.

"I caught my husband having sex with the maid, oh bother."  And she waved her hand flippantly in the air.  "He pulled his dick out of her and started muttering something, but I told him not to leave his mistress half-pleasured and that I was going to look through some developed prints of mine and perhaps add some filters to them."

"I told my husband that we shouldn't refer to each other as 'husband' and 'wife.'  Those terms are so archaic and conservative.  It's for the bourgeois, is what I always say.  I don't care at all."

"My husband couldn't believe it.  I don't care how many lovers he has.  I am utterly bored with even thinking about it really."

"I am so bored right now and don't care about anything.  The only thing I care about is trying to find ways to care even less about everything than I already do."  They both finished their full ass glasses of wine and filled them right back up.  And then, by mere coincidence, they both said the same thing at the same time: "I don't care about them that much, but those new Hunger Games books are ok."  And then they both downed their full glasses of wine and started making out.  It was so bohemian and cool.

"Let's sit down Danny, you little bitch."  Le Sandman told me.

"Alright biatch."

We sat down at the beer garden and ordered the most expensive beers they had.

"See the woman over there?  Man, what a knock out.  Look at those legs.  They go all the way to heaven.  They carry a princess around all day and they look so smooth and wonderful!  You know how the Orcs were made in a fiery hell at Isengard?  You know?  In the Lord of the Rings.  This girl was made at the opposite place of that place."

I looked over and saw her.  Yup.  She was fucking perfect and I fell in love with her real fast.

"I am going to show you what I do brother.  I'm gonna take her back to your place and pull her mini sartorial splendor over her head and take a good gander at those legs.  I want to see just how high they go.  I love her high heels man.  She is driving me mad."

"Ok do it.  I'll watch."

He crept over to her and his movements were perfect and he looked great.  He leaned in and whispered in her ear.  She crossed her legs.  She leaned in towards Sandman to have his voice deeper in her ear.  He put his hand on her one bare shoulder.  She shifted her hair.  Her eyes narrowed and she smiled deviously.  She turned around on her stool to face The Sandman fully.  They were so proximally close.  He leaned into her face.  She didn't move.  She spread her legs apart.  I got a boner.  It was all so bohemian and cool.

He grabbed her hand and off they went.

I followed them in a creeping manner to make sure she didn't see.  They arrived at my mansion and I sneaked in through the back unnoticed.  They were in my room and as I peered through the marginally open door, The Sandman pulled the woman's short dress over her head.  He inspected her legs as she giggled.  Her vision was restricted by her dress.  The Sandman turned and smiled at me and proclaimed "they do reach heaven!  How about that!"  The woman laughed and jumped on his face.

When they were done, The Sandman walked her to the door and I hid behind some shit and listened.

"Hey you know what?  I actually fell in love with you back there Suzy.  You're so bohemian and fun."  He didn't let go of her hand.  "You're so carefree and caring.  And your smile is genuine.  Your breath smells of sweet alcohol right now."  He kissed her and she giggled.  "You're so pure.  But..."

"What?"

"I can't see you again.  I'm sorry.  We'll never see each other again, and I can't tell you why."  He let go of her hand.  "Go be happy.  I am leaving.  Thank you."  He closed the door.

Homie walked over to me.  "Ha ha!  See that?  Damn.  She was perfect.  I wish I could marry her and have a perfect life and travel the world with her and have wild sex all the time.  I think I love her and I know I love her.  Whooo!"

"Yea, she was perfect.  When are you going to see her again?  I know you didn't mean that shit about not seeing her again."

"Yes.  Tonight.  I'll visit her in her dreams.  And then I will strangle her, but right before she dies I'll let her go.  And then I'll stab her and slit her throat."  The Sandman had his cloak on again and his head was hooded and he was brooding.  "I am just an empty evil vessel with specific instructions.  It is what I do.  See ya."

Motherfucker disappeared right in front of me.  "You're an evil fuck homie."  I said to no one.

"I know bro."  His voice echoed out of no where.

"Well... shit."  I thought.  This is all fucked up.  I pondered for a bit as I went back into my room and put on my cool robe back on and got extremely comfortable.  I changed the sheets on my bed and lied down to watch some television.  My mind wandered and wondered.  Man I really want a girl like Suzy.  So carefree and beautiful.  Ya, I want to live forever young and youthful.  And I want to run around the whole world doing fun things and ride buffalo in Ireland whenever I get the chance.  I could still smell Suzy's pussy.  "Mmmmm."

"Weird ass Sandman.  Going from dream to dream killing people, mentally disturbing people, wooing girls and then breaking their hearts.  He's not even conflicted or suffering--those things are just the things he does and is meant to do.  Strange.  Well he didn't fuck with me."  I thought these things about The Sandman.

"I can fuck with your mind bro."  The ominous echoed voice addressed my thoughts.

"No you can't."  I said aloud and then chilled back.  Homie didn't say shit back.

The new Breaking Bad season started right when I changed it to AMC channel 57.  Nice!