Don't Forget: It's Okay To Die! [Anxiety Alert]

I feel like I'm always trying to keep myself alive!

For fuck's sake!

And if I'm not trying desperately hard to keep myself alive and breathing, then I'm trying to obliterate my mind.

Who cares if you die?

We ARE going to die.

Accept it.

We should get good at dying! ... and then we'll get good at living?

It's okay to die.

It's NOT okay to be scared or afraid ALL the time.

It's okay to love Coldplay as much as I do (watch your back U2 and The Killers!).

I'm so scared (anxiety ridden) all the time, it sucks.

Oh well.  My life will end sooner than later.

Gotta keep practicing.  Keep practicing.  Practice.  Breathe.  Or don't.

Heaven?  Who knows?  No hell.

Everything is going to be okay as long as we all die eventually.  We'll see what's up with Socrates after we die.

Take a Xanax.

Wait Fifteen Minutes (While Freaking Out The Whole Time).

Write This Blog.

Aztec Princess

I was recrossing the border after being deported and it was a cold ass motherfucking night.  I was near the border on the Mexican side.  Sumbitch deporting motherfuckers got me, but I don't have a problem with them deporting whoever really... but I was born in San Diego, CA!

A cool Mexican dude that was gonna jump the fence with me and dig the hard desert was next to me, "Hey ese man, what you gonna do on the other side?  Where-a are you from-a ese, right?"

"Nah man, just go home.  Fuckin' border patrol deported me even though I'm from San D-fuckin'-eggo."

"Ah ha ha man me too.  I'm from San Diego too."

"Ah man whatever.  What are YOU gonna do you ese vato motherfucker?"

"I'm gonna get gold."

"Well, the fuckin' gold is in California... the gold rush was in San Francisco mainly dude, so, good luck Diego."

"Ooooo thanks Danny."

We hauled the wall and jumped twenty fucking feet in the air.  That motherfucker Diego could run!  "See ya Diego!"  He waved from far ahead.  I got caught right away.

"Where you from sir?" They asked me in Spanish.

"From fuckin' San Diego, man!"  I said in perfect English and no accent.

"Ya right beaner.  You know what...?"

"What bitch ass patrol ass fuck?  I got rights!"

"How about we drop you off in Guatemala this time?  Yup.  You're done for."

"Fuck!"

They packed me and thousands of other dudes, dudettes, kids, and animals like sardines and off we went--sailing the high seas!

It would have been a bitch to cross over from Guatemala to Mexico if wasn't for my dashing good looks and long beautiful hair and big man hands and winning smile and big ass dick.  Don't ask what I did to cross over... I fucked a Mexican patrol woman.

This time I was lost as fuck and I asked around the southern tip of Mexico where I should go.

Oaxaca!

I got there easy by having sex with a bunch of ladies for "free" rides.  I thought I would kick it in Oaxaca for a while because I heard it was a chill place.

There I was in the rolling green beautiful hills of Oaxaca smelling like shit and having no money so I found a rad lake and I bathed myself.  I jumped into some people's house and stole new clothes.  I was good to go!

I heard there was going to be a dance at the local center and that there would be at least 100 hot girls!  Man I felt like Jack Kerouac himself!  Just traveling the old fucking road, doing whatever the fuck, drinking, feeling and smelling good, and having a fine time.

The dance ended up being at a barn, but it was cool.  It was like the whole of Oaxaca was stuck in the 1800s!

And there I saw her...

Maria!

I walked towards her and asked her to dance and she was excited and horny to dance with me.  We danced for about half a song when all of a sudden a fierce creature of a woman jumped in between us and her 100 cousins took Maria away and beat the shit out of her.

She held onto me and we started dancing and I hadn't even seen her face yet.

She slithered around my body and I slithered my hands around her body touching her breasts and ass and legs slightly and lightly.  She slid her hands over my crotch lightly and slightly.  I grabbed her butt hard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw five guys that looked like bulls raging towards me.  I was dead.  I was dead.  I was dead.  I was as good as dead.  They would surely kill me because of the slithering skinny beautiful girl that was half raping me.  They were probably her brothers, or boyfriends, or dads, or knows who the fuck they were, but they were mad as hell, and they were coming straight for me...

Nope!  The 100 girl's cousins appeared out of nowhere and beat the shit out of the five raging bulls!  I got to keep dancing with the queen of the ball.

"What's your name?"  I whispered putting my mouth fully on her ear.

"Lizette."  She licked into my ear in a way that made me instantly hornier than I already was.  My dick pressed hard onto her as she pressed hard onto me too.  She pulled her face away and finally looked me in the eyes.

She was more beautiful than two Maria's combined!  And Maria was hot as fuck, so just imagine.

I would say that I was the luckiest man in the world, but considering how good looking I am too, I would say it was about even.

She whispered with her tongue in my ear, "I hate being on this dance floor with my clothes on and not in my room naked with you."

She took me by the hand and chased me off the dance floor as I got to finally see her body fully.  She was wearing a short mini skirt that had slits up the sides and a loose Mexican button up long sleeve shirt that showed cleavage and that I think had only one button buttoned.  I looked around and she drove the men wild.  They wanted her and wanted to kill me, but they knew about the 100 cousins.

We didn't reach her room fast enough just a couple casitas away.  We had the house all to ourselves.  Luckily it was early in the night.  We made love all night and it was wild and beautiful and we were out in the world in Oaxaca in Mexico in the North Western Hemisphere on planet Earth in outer space in the Milky Way out in the Universe and it was unbelievable and I had the greatest orgasm that lasted thirteen minutes at least, but I had more than one orgasm.  I had countless orgasms and she had countless orgasms too.  I sucked on her breasts.  She moaned loud, "Yes!  Give me more!  You can't give me enough!  Oh!"  I loved her.  She loved me.  Two wild human animals.

The universe is vast and insane!

"I didn't want to tell you but I'm actually an Aztec princess and now you're gonna be rich with Aztec gold."

We fell asleep holding each other and her hair was on my face and our legs were all tangled up like when gum gets in your hair.

I woke up and watched her amazing naked body sleep gracefully like the beautiful fierce creature that she was.  I thought about how she stole me from Maria and I smiled.  I stole another glance at her butt crack and her breasts.  I thought about how happy we'd be all rich and shit.

I went downstairs and saw all the 100 cousins sleeping everywhere.  They looked crazy.  I bet they're crazy.

I thought I'd go buy a shit load of food for when all the girls woke up, so I went to the market.

As soon as I stepped into town I was violently apprehended by a Mexican policeman, and he threw me into a fucking paddy wagon.  Motherfucker!

"I know where you from asshole!  I know!"  He said in Spanish or English.  "You're from the United States and we're deporting you back to America you faggot asshole."

"Noooooooo!!!!!  Lizette!!!!!"  I held onto the bars of the back window of the paddy wagon like in all those old movies.

My Aztec princess... would I ever see her again?

Bathtub Sailing

There was a man taking a bath in his bathtub in Japan.

He filled the tub up halfway with scalding water and then waited for it to turn into a temperature his body could handle--it was still hot as fuck when he got in, but that was the point, and it was cold as hell outside so it felt good.

He laid all the way down and only let his eyes and nose and forehead stick out.

He felt a rumble and his whole house was shaking, but this man was no ordinary man--he was a quick thinker.

He thought, "Well, I'm feeling good.  The WHOLE fucking house is shaking.  What can I do?  Nothing.  I'm going to keep letting my dick soak and feel good!"  He stayed put; sat smiling and happy.

The house kept shaking like a desperately hungry monkey (that never learned how to climb) shaking a banana tree--poor stupid monkey will never get his banana.  The house began falling all around the man, but the man stayed in his bathtub.

Finally, the whole house came down when a great wave crashed through and carried the man away in his bathtub full of warm water and the man still had pleasure in his dick.

The man peered over and saw that his bathtub was surfing; his bathtub was sailing.  The man was now officially a sailor; he had always wanted to be a sailor; ever since he was a young boy.  He was never able to be one, however, because he had gotten a dumb ass job and stayed put like he thought he was supposed to and he hated his life.  Now he loved his life.

Off he sailed and he waved at all the drowning people.

Upon landing at an island he saw a monkey shaking a tree to get a banana.  The monkey was unsuccessful, so he get out of his bathtub and helped the monkey get his banana--boy, were we wrong!

A man sitting in meditation a little ways away was humming beautiful music.

The bathtub man made his way over to him.

"Excuse me Mr Meditation Man, where are we?  What is the meaning of life?  What does it ALL mean?"

The Meditation Man politely replied, "Hey motherfucker!  How the fuck am I supposed to know?  Can't you see I'm trying to meditate here?  I don't even know how to meditate!  Leave me the fuck alone.  Go find something else to do on the island, instead of bothering me.  Find a way off this damned island why don't you!?"