If I Can't Kill Myself or Do Drugs Why Don't You Just Fuck Me Already? Ode To Canada

What is one of the most basic--if not the most basic--human right?  To do whatever the fuck you want with yourself as long as you don't hurt others right?

All them gays and lesbos keep crying about, 'wah wah wah let me get married because we ain't hurtin' no one and we just wanna be gay and lesbo and we like it!'  Shit, I say if they're so hung up on the word 'married' or just want to be recognized by all the cool governors and the president as a couple, then fuck it, go for it!  I guess just try to find a way so that all the people that find that kind of thing an abomination don't have to support it through taxes etc... that way they don't have to feel all guilty for supporting some perversion or whatever the fuck.

But the point here is that no one is saying gays and lesbos can't just go in a room and fuck each other all weird and however they want.  This is because of basic human rights.  If you wanna fuck with that shit and make it illegal then you'd have to make jacking off illegal and that's not gonna happen because Louis C.K. and I would vote against it.

So, everyone should just leave you the fuck alone when you trying to do something that don't harm no one.  Please excuse my double negatives and my wont of typing however the fuck I do.

Why would anyone have a problem with some fuck doing drugs or killing thyself?

The atheist should be thinking, 'Well there's certainly no god, so go for it.  Smoke weed in your room all damn day and eat Cheetos and watch horror movies and fuck you.'  Why should an atheist be voting against any drug as long as the user don't hurt no one but hisself?  Shit, alcohol and cigarettes are legal and that shit kills all sorts of people and sometimes the users kill other fucking people!   This is insane!

Make drugs legal and the fucking gangsters won't have anything to sell.  It'll just be a fucking gun war instead of a drug and gun war.

The Christian or theist shouldn't have a problem with drugs either.  Christians don't want anyone to be forced into becoming a Christian (or at least they shouldn't want that) because then it don't mean shit to god.  So, if someone isn't a Christian, what difference does it make to a Christian whether that person uses drugs or not?  They're going to hell either way right?  And they're not going to make being a non-Christian illegal because they don't want to force anyone to be a Christian (as aforementioned).  Jesus wants everyone to choose for themselves.  So Jesus would rather you be an honest fuck up than a lying fake ass bitch ass Christian.

And the agnostic... well they don't know shit.

Because there are so many ups and downs in this life, I would never agree that killing oneself is a good idea.  I don't think anyone should ever kill thyself unless it is to save someone else or something of that nature.  With that said though, how the fuck is killing yourself illegal?  I mean shit, if life is straight up torture and you just want out, who the fuck can you tell you no?  God will make his judgements when you meet him after you kill yourself and you'll take it from there.  To take suicide away from someone just seems like taking away the most basic right away.  No one chose to come into existence or life, so, who has the right to stop you if you don't want anything to do with it?

What do they do to you if you try to kill thyself?  Put you in a straight jacket, give you pills, and the insane asylum workers all bone you when their bosses aren't looking.  Worse than suicide!

Let's be honest here.  If you eat like shit and never work out you are literally killing yourself; you are making it so that you die fifteen years earlier than you would have.  Slow suicide.  Add on top of that smoking or whatever the fuck else and you're killing yourself all day.  There is no way to escape killing yourself--you're born and you instantly start dying.  I'm not saying kill yourself.  I'm saying don't judge someone or make it illegal for killing thyself.

Shit, what is the difference if you're ninety years old and you're being kept alive for three more years by a machine and you're suffering all the time and just letting go right then and there instead?

I'm just saying that, hell, if they really want to and they ain't hurtin' no one then fuck it.  You shouldn't force someone to not do something they want to do that isn't gonna hurt anyone.

I don't know anything about any of this... I'm just blogging out loud.  Everything is absurd.  Humans are absurd.  Maybe we're just trying to make ourselves feel better about ourselves with every single thought that passes through our heads and then we try to fix those thoughts with further thoughts.  God is the only thing that is not absurd.  Is God a thing?  You know what I mean.

Why do I write all this bullshit?  To say that Canada might be getting it right.  Canada rules.  Brazil rules too because they have good fighters and beautiful people and amazing soccer players.  The USA is still cooler and better than both of those countries though.

"O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!
From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee"


Watch this video about what some Canadians are up to (it's only 3mins long): http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/story/2011/09/30/stub-safe-injection.html

Give Blood Unlike A Vampire

I decided to be the opposite of a vampire at school and give blood. Why? Because I saw the big ass fucking Red Cross bus and every time I see that bitch I feel guilty if I don't give blood. That's right, I don't give out of the goodness of my black, greedy, shitty, strong, cool heart. I give to combat the shitty person I already am so I won't be as shitty a person I am already. And what the fuck man? People that can give blood should give it (even if you're a pussy about needles and have anxiety)! People out there need this shit and you can give it and make your own blood back all fast and shit... Just a little lightheadedness is all you get, asshole!

So, I've put this shit off for a minute because of my panic attacks and anxiety but I said fuck it today. "Stick me with the needle Doc! Let's do this!"

I drank a shitload of water right before going into the damn bus and had to take a mad leak right when I got in :( I'm so dumb. And my anxiety started to rise gradually but forcefully--that little monster in my head, "Ñññññaaaaa seeee, boo! Something might go wrong Danny! Be afraid... Be very afraid!". But the strong me in my head was cool, "Fuck it Danny. If you die, well, you had a 'beautiful ride.' You're almost 30 so don't be a whiny bitch. You've had a better life than most people that have ever existed in the history of the world!". Geeee, thaaaanks strong me.

I jumped into the Red Cross bus and I was happy to find that the nurses in charge of the joint were very typical.  All of them were wearing miniskirts with tiny button up shirts that their bodies were trying to get out of and they were all wearing high heels.  They were all super hot.

"Sir, have you ever had AIDS or HIV or been to Mexico in the last five years, or had sex with another man since 1970 or ever?"

"Nope."

"Okay, you can give blood then."

"Cool."

"Please sit up here and give me your arm.  Then go ahead and lie down."

I sat where I was told like a shit-head, "Should I take off my shoes?"

"No."

So I chilled back and gave her my left arm and she stuck me with a needle and I wondered what it felt like to do heroin.  The nurse taking my blood fluffed my pillow for me, accidentally putting her breasts in my face super hard, and said, "Just relax."

I relaxed, but about five seconds later I freaked out.  I looked over to where my blood was accumulating and noticed that I had already filled up half a gallon and my blood was pouring in faster than I drink beers.  Black spots started appearing everywhere and I blacked out.  When I came to, I had tubes going into my body feeding me blood and I felt like I was getting stronger and stronger by the second.  A super hot nurse came in.

"How are you feeling Danny?  We accidentally jacked a shit load of blood from you and blacked you out.  You're at a hospital now and we're pumping your shitty blood back into you, but we're going to keep the pint that you were going to donate initially."

I spoke in a slurred manner, "You're hot.  Y'all fucked me up and almost killed me!"

"I know Mr. Castro, but we're sorry and to make it up to you the doctor told me I should have sex with you or give you a blow job.  How does that sound?"  The doctor came in behind her.

I guess I was too mad about almost dying or maybe I still wasn't thinking straight, but whatever it was, I stood up and punched the doctor and said, "Aha!  Fuck you doctor!"

The police that are always parked outside the hospital immediately took me to jail.  I was happy to see Hemingway there.

"Hey Hemingway, what're you in for this time?"

"Ah some bullshit about drinking in public.  I was at a church though."

"Where's Darwin?"

"Mount Everest or some fucking place."

"Ah fuck man, I should have had sex with that nurse instead of punching the doctor.  But at least I gave blood."

To Be Kind Or To Be Mean

I saw a pretty girl about the way and I flirted with her in a subtle but obvious enough way. She responded positively to my jackass jokes/flirts so I told her that maybe I'd see her again and gave her the damned winky face and she said "I'd like that" along with her smiley face. Nice! Well I'll be damned! At her place of employment I left my contact information because I had returned an item. I looked forward to seeing her the following day to see if I could ruin her interest in me as quickly as I had cultivated it. She said she'd like that, no?


I went about my way with daydreams in my head about her and me fucking around. Got to school. Got to my class. I sat at the back. I learned and as I was learning theory about hermeneutics I felt a pleasant vibration on my lap on top of my cock. Nice! An unknown number texted me that she was stalking me winky face and that it was the aforementioned girl. Well I'll be damned! We made plans to meet that day. We met. We ended up kissing on the cheeks and on the lips and all seemed gravy. Nice!


We planned to have dinner together the next day and perhaps fuck aft/postprandial. I wanted to be kind to this girl.


The following day, I stopped by and brought her her favorite coffee from her favorite coffee shop and concluded my affairs at her place of employment and she told me she was feeling a little shitty that day but that she'd let me know if she was up for food with me later. Nope. She ended up saying other plans came up, but that suuuuurrreee mmaaayyybbeeee we could chill next week smiley face. Uhhhh fuck that. Bailing on my ass because I was too nice of a fuck. Lame-ee-oh-stasis bro. So I said fuck it, not much to lose now so I asked her:


"So you seemed down to chill and shit and you got my number from a receipt. Now... Nothing. What happened?"


"Oh... Well... The kissing, and then you brought me coffee at work blah blah blah I'm not ready for a relationship right now blah blah blah bullshit slanty face." Code for: you're not mysterious and cool anymore and you were so nice to me and not a dick to me so fuck you.


Well I'll be damned. Nice!


I never said shit about wanting to relationship the shit out of her. I was just a nice dumb ass. Fuck it. I don't take back my nice actions. I wanted to be nice and if she would have given me a little time she'd see I can be mean too :)


So, as Lady Luck would have it, I got a chance to hang out with another FINE young woman the next day. Nice! Unfortunately for this new girl I decided to be mean to her. The meanness had nothing to do with her; I was just annoyed with girls and I thought I'd try being the opposite of kind. She was hot as fuck too so I said fuck it I'll hang out with her even though I'm annoyed. Lady Luck, no where to be found for my new young lady... Or was she to be found? Read on.


Out we went. We went out. On the drive I seemed uninterested and I don't think she caught me looking at her exposed legs and trying to look up her skirt even though it was impossible with the angle of vision I had. At the event I ignored her or acted confused or bored. At one point I disappeared for a while. I bought dinner and drinks.


On the drive home I said, "Wow I'm really tired. I can't wait to go home and sleep."


"We should drink some vodka redbulls at my place and stay up and watch a movie or... You know whatever."


"Ha, ya... I don't think so. Maybe another time."


"Come on... I'll show you my underwear collection." Rubbing my arm.


"I already saw your underwear."


"No you didn't!" A playful hit on my arm.


I didn't say shit even though I wanted to say nice things and drink with her and see her underwear collection and do her and be kind to her a lot.


Arriving at her house she says, "Coming in?" Touching my arm then rubbing my leg.


I intently look her in the eyes and say nothing. She goes for it and starts kissing me! Nice! I pull back.


She smiles and I say nothing as I smile slightly as if to say "Thanks, that was nice." She gets out. To her surprise I get out too and she walks to her door with me following. At the door we kiss more. She opens the door and leads me into her private place.


Well I'll be damned! Nice!


We end up boning all night and she's hot as fuck so my boner kept going strong all night. I guess Lady Luck hooked up my new girl after all! :)


To be kind, or to be mean, THAT is the question.


Fuck it. I'd still rather be a nice guy even if that means not getting laid... or at least for a while.


Maaan, I just wanna be a nice dude, you know what I mean?  I wanna be nice to everyone.  I wanna be nice to hot girls and still get laid by them.


"All I ask of you is one thing: please don't be cynical.  I hate cynicism -- it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere.  Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get.  But if you work really hard, and you're kind, amazing things will happen." -- Conan O'brien

The Viking King

It was way too early. I got up. It must have been 5am and it was pouring rain and the world was grey with imposing clouds that spread across the sky as far as the eye could see but not as far as an eagle's eye could see because eagles have bomb vision.

I was wearing those really cool long underwear with the ass flap in the back that make it easy to take a shit when you have to take a shit super fast in an emergency in the middle of the night and you don't have time to take off the whole body underwear. One of the buttons on the flap was unbuttoned so you could see part of my right "nalga."  I moseyed on over to the window and harshly pulled the blinds down to look at the cool rain--it was cool. I scratched my butt lazily.

In my head I was like, "daaammnn, I'm still tired." I walked to my dresser drawer and opened it to look at my recent treasure; I looked at my three pound bag of Peyote and I petted it like it was my pet and I smiled warmly. I yawned all gay.

I jumped on Facebook and updated my status: "hey y'all fuck this... It's too early to be awake. i invite you all to come over to smoke some peyote with me and we'll all go back to sleep in my super huge meditation room.  i have room for a couple hundred so let me know."

I took a hot shower because it was cold outside and it made me feel all warm and fuzzy and good and gay.  I came out of the shower clean and sleepy.  I heard a thousand knocks at my gigantic door.

I opened the door with only a towel wrapped around my waist to see a couple hundred friends ready for a sleepy good time.  "Come in everyone!"  They all came in out of the wet and wild world; I led them to the meditation room and my towel fell off but I didn't care.

I addressed my friends, "Hello!  So I was thinking we'd all smoke a shitload of peyote and go to sleep and see what happens.  Maybe we can all meet in the dreamworld and do cool fun shit."

"Hip hip hooray!  Hip hip hooray!  Hip hip hooray!"  The crowd cheered in unison.

"Alright let's pop this motherfucker off then!"

We hot-boxed the entire room with a little campfire in the middle of the room and we all fell back asleep  at 6am like we should.

I faintly heard someone banging the shit out of my door and saying my name, so, startled, I got up.  I looked around and found that all my sleeping companions were wearing viking gear and were sleeping peacefully in our mead-hall.  I stood listening for the voice calling my name and it came bellowing from outside, "Daaaannny!  Open the fucking door!  I'm going to kill you!"

In response and with a greater and louder voice I yelled, "The hell you will!  I'm going to break this door down from the inside and chop your fucking head off you infidel!  Ahhhhh!"  And my hundreds of friends woke up in their awesome new, but used Viking gear and they all had axes and swords and big hammers like Thor and they all yelled, "Ahhhhh let us go kill!!!"

I went to the door and blasted the shit out of it with a fierce and powerful kick and the door went flying out into the new wilderness we lived in and it shattered when it flew into the monster waiting for me outside.  "Ahhhhh!!!"

I ran out the door, jumped and chopped the head off of that 9 foot tall gargantuan giant.  I picked up his head while his headless body was still standing confused and threw it hard against a near by boulder and it exploded like a watermelon... a watermelon that explodes.  Like maybe if a watermelon was stuffed with a shitload of fireworks and then someone exploded it from the inside.  His head exploded like that and we all cheered.

I turned around to the mob and yelled, "We are vikings!"  And the mob returned, "Yaaa!"

We were now in a sort of winter forest and snow began to fall all around us, but we weren't cold because vikings don't get cold.  We were all tall and buff.

"Hey so what do we now?  What do vikings do?"

"I think we pillage and rape!"

The girls had that had come over to my house to sleep again at 6am and smoke peyote had also turned into vikings--viking woman, tall and hot, blonde and blue eyed, sexy and sexy.  They spoke up, "Ya!  You guys can rape us and then you guys can go pillage some town and bring money, pork, gold, chicken, silver, cattle, and leather skin mini skirts!"  So we raped all of our own women, but they were cool with it so... I don't know if it was real rape.  Real rape is way cooler for vikings, but we said fuck it and just raped them and they were hot and we all orgasmed together and we all yelled at the same time, "Yaaaaa!!! That rape was great!!!"

We went from town to town pillaging for gold and weapons and became very fucking prosperous and wealthy and we stayed healthy.  We were tall and great.  We were happy and we had awesome fucking viking helmets.  After four fucking years or so we started making our way back home--back then that's how long warriors went away from home; we returned home to our women and it was a long journey but we all talked a lot of shit so it was fun.

On the way home we crossed very dark country and there was fog everywhere preventing us from seeing very far.  We are tired tired tired.

And then out of nowhere a fucking wizard appeared before us and he said, "Hey brutes!  I know what you have been up to!  I see the smoke coming out of your nostrils!"  We all tried to chop his head off but we kept missing and when we didn't miss the sword would just go through him--not harming him one bit.  Finally, we were too tired to keep trying to chop his head off and said, "What do you want from us great wizard!?"

"Get on one knee and bow to me motherfuckers!  Or else I'll eat you all alive!"  We got on one knee and bowed.

"I will now crown one of you The Viking King and then I will let you go on your way and you must vow to be my friends and you must promise to help me when I call you in the near future to go to war with a gay wizard I hate."

"We promise wise crazy wizard!"

The crazy wizard chose my close friend Christian to be The Viking King because he knew secretly that Christian had chopped off the most heads (including dickheads) out of all of us.  We cheered like crazy and drank beer with the wizard.

"Well, I'm beat, I will let you fellows get home to your wenches and I will call upon you soon.  Farewell."  The wizard began ambling away from us into the mist, into the fog, into the forest.  We all looked after him when all of a sudden The Viking King Christian stepped forward and threw the biggest fucking sword we had ever seen at the wizard from afar and it chopped his head clean off.

We all roared, "Hip hip hooray!  Hip hip hooray!  Hip hip hooray!  Three cheers for The Viking King! Fuck that gay ass wizard!"  And we went home.

We got home and fucked our viking wives who all had children now, but we didn't know whose kid was whose but it didn't matter because we didn't really care at all.  After sex we all got super fuckin' drunk and felt fine.  We all fell asleep happy and rich and with full happy bellies.

I woke up feeling incredibly rested and looked around to find myself, years later, in my old gigantic cool meditation room from another life, from many years ago.  I ran to a mirror to find that I was now about 70 years old and I got sad.  People were waking up all around me finding that they too had aged a lot from the 40 year peyote nap we had just taken.

"Oh shit we fell asleep for like 40 years dude."  Christian came up to me.

"Shit man, that was cool huh?  How did you like being The Viking King?"  I asked him.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"We all met up in our peyote dreams and we were all vikings... weren't we?"

"Dude, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about... I just rode a unicorn around the universe like robocop visiting different planets and stars and having sex with a bunch of aliens... I couldn't find any of you fuckers."

Evil Is On A Raping Rampage

Evil.  The Bad One.  What a fucking dick.  I don't get it.  I don't get it.  I mean, if there is NO God, no ultimate Creator and caring dude in the heavens then there is no good reason to be moral.  And there is no such thing as good or bad.  Good or bad to who?  It would all be relative and our selections of what's right and wrong would be so ARBITRARY.  If we came from the fishes and evolved into dudes and dudettes and there is no God then we are simply evolved worms that invented rules as to how to live and we have chosen what is evil and good arbitrarily.  What does this mean?  That in actuality, nothing is really evil or good, bad or good.  People that believe this should simply try to get away with as much pleasure as possible before they die and fuck everyone else.

I don't believe that way.

There must be a God.  If there is a God then there is an agent of morality and a foundation and a place where we can ground our morals upon.  There is truth and if there is truth then we can move forward in knowledge, wisdom, intelligence, understanding, discernment, and that can help us do what is right and good.

A dude rapes a little girl.  EVIL.  EVIL.  EVIL.  And this evil fills us with hatred toward all things evil.  It's so easy to talk shit about "rape this rape that rape rape rape."  But can you imagine someone violating your body?  Can you imagine?  Imagine...

You've got a good drunk going, but you're not too far gone--just tipsy and feeling good.  You walk around a corner and before you know it a couple dudes grab you and throw you into a van.  Now you're scared as all hell; you scream, but no one can hear you with your mouth covered by a dirty, strong hand.  The van roars off to who the fuck knows where and now you're in real trouble and utter terror and panic seizes you.

They park who the fuck knows where.  There is NO ESCAPE.  Your hands are bound tight and your wrists hurt.  Your mouth is gagged and your clothes are being stripped away slowly.  VIOLATION VIOLATION VIOLATION!  For fucks sake!  This can't be happening to YOU.  This can't be happening to ANYONE!  Yet your clothes are all but gone and finally you are naked and writhing in terror.  Someone shoves themselves into you and that's it.  You are as good as dead.  Your soul has been raped.  You become weak.  No matter how much you struggle it is useless.  There is spit and saliva dripping all over your face.  More and more evil men rape you--taking turns raping you.  You could be a man or woman going through this.

And then they dump your ass out the van.

For months you sit at home not staring at anything and who would want to ever sleep after going through something like that?  Sleep becomes you here and there, but of course you wake up in panics every time.  Your previous life has been shattered.  YOU have been shattered.  You'll never be the same.

No one wants to talk to you about it because they don't know if you want to talk about it or whatever.  They don't know what it's like.  They can't imagine in a million years what you've gone through.  They would have to go through it in order to really know.  Your will had been taken from you.  You were made sub-human--all your human dignity stripped away from you.

Then you meet someone that has gone through the same thing.  And both of you can just sit next to each other and talk about other shit and not have to mention the evil that changed your lives.  You feel comfortable and you can smile around that person; they can hug you and you can hug them back and when you do you can hold each other in a strong embrace--holding each other so that you won't literally fall apart.  Those are the only people you can completely be comfortable with.  You are SO happy/relieved/ecstatic there is SOMEONE/ANYONE you can touch without almost losing your mind.  One look into each other's eyes to acknowledge the pain you both carry and to give each other hope.  There is hope.

After years go by, you see a bum on the street.  Your heart goes out to the motherfucker and even though you know he'll probably spend any money you give to him on meth, you give him whatever cash you have on you and you talk to him, "Hey man, where you from?"

"Oh just from here.  I'm from here.  Thanks for the help.  God bless you."

"Ya man you too.  Hey man, take care of yourself."

You find that your empathy for people has grown.  You cry easily for joyous things and for sad things and at all movies for whatever reason.  You find that you love people deeper and more fully and that you hate evil in a more serious way and that you actually feel bad for evil-doers because they live in the darkness not knowing light and goodness and that they are doomed if they don't change.  You are so changed, and you look back at how you've changed.  You try to imagine and remember the life you used to live before that evil raped you.  It's hard to imagine or remember your old life.  It's hard to fathom how simple life used to be--not a care in the world.  And now?  Now, you appreciate even the smallest good things.  You are amazed at the good in the world in the face of so much evil.  You love goodness much more than you did before.  Life is so much more richer and you are a more grateful person and you are amazed life is not as bad as it could be.  And you are amazed you are even thinking this way.  And finally, you are amazed that the question pops into your head, "If I could, would I change anything that has ever happened to me, including all the evils I've been through?"  You are amazed because, you don't know the answer and you are inclined to answer "no."  Through your trials and tribulations you have become a better person.  Someone that knows this is no bullshit, simple, Disneyland world we live in.  There is a war going on out there every day.  Evil is on a rampage and you are aware of it and aware that many people are suffering in the world, and your heart goes out to them and you do what you can to help and perhaps you devote your life to changing the world for the better in any way you can.  Mysterious how something so nightmarish can be turned into something positive.  Good will always trump Evil.

It is just too bad that we can't all just be good all the time and be grateful and full of love without first going through shitty, evil, hard, humbling, spiritually exhausting times.  Why do we have to learn the hard way all the time?

My point: Evil beyond shadow of doubt exists.  Ipso facto, Goodness exists.  Ipso facto, God exists.  Ipso facto, LOVE exists.

There are many stories about shitty dudes or dudettes who end up going through tough times and in the end they are better people because of the tough times they endure.  That's what's up.

Life is tough y'all.  Fuck evil.  Evil is real.  Fuck evil.  That was just one example of evil and there are too many others that exist.  Any evil is too much evil.  Evil sucks man.  I don't understand The Evil One.

Moral of the story: "Be excellent to each other."

Among a Many Books a Beauty Was

There she was.  I had gotten a glimpse and the glimpse was good.  I was in a building full of books and the books were for sale.

I sat at a table beside her table and I was glad.  Glad that in this life I got to sit so near a creature.  Up she got and left she did and with a boyfriend she was too.  He wore cool beat boots, a loose shirt, perfectly tussled hair, beat pants--he was taller than me (as most in America are) and I wanted to beat him up.  He seemed like a nice enough fuck, but I wanted to beat him up and then perhaps be good friends with him after I took away his girlfriend.

She was wearing little bird boots.  Not beat but nice but plain and simple and black.  Those boots would be worn by hip enough birds if boots by birds were worn.  She was hardly wearing little black girl shorts over her girl leggings stockings, but she hardly existed for how small she was so it was good.  She wore a black little sweater too. Her black hair pulled back with strands falling around her face was beautiful.  Her face was beautiful.  A California wanna be New York girl she was.

She was the kind of girl that you could tell wanted to be bad, but didn't quite have it in her.  She, the kind of girl that for some reason had never felt content or complete.  She was looking for something and she'd look for it all over the world if she could and I hoped she would look for it all over the world and I hoped she would find it--perhaps with me.  I thought I could love her and maybe I can.

She was so small.

The usual heart palpitations followed as the girl and her lucky bloke left.  And thoughts entered in my head and in my head I spake with myself.

"Ah well don't get down on yourself ole buddy.  She was with a dude.  There were no chance to speak to her.  You fall in love so easily, so readily, and so often."

"Ah you're right, me, good observation.  Hey do you think she looked at us?"  I was kind of like Gollum from Lord of the Rings.

"I do think she looked at us.  I think she likes us."

"Well, I sure as hell do like her."

"Ya, well why don't you just let your feelings run away with you, like I know you will?  Just because of the way she looks, because of her beauty, you will lose your mind won't you?"

"I think I might.  We men, we men it's so simple isn't it?  I think I could make love to her and still love her afterwards."

"You're crazy.  We're crazy."

"We are.  I am."

"Well, she gone."

"Maybe, I see her again."

"I doubt it."

"Me too."

And so I walked about and about picking up daisies or whatever the fuck at whatever park in whatever part of London I was.  The wind blew, the temperature was low, but my hip black jacket kept me warm it did.  I fancied that I did indeed look dashing if I did indeed deem myself to be.  Home to my flat I went.

Checked my Facebook I did.  It could not be!  It was!  Glory!  Joy!  Pleasure!  Joy again!  Could this new friend request I behold be the same ballerina I did see in the midst of so many volumes of books?  It could be and it was!  How could she have found me?  Why would she have found me?  And then my spirits were lowered when a thought occurred me: "Maybe she just recognized me and this at all special was not."

And she wrote, "I found you through a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend here on this space Facebook and I thought you looked familiar and I thought I had seen you around and I think about you and there's something about you.  I wanted to find you."

I wrote back, "Among many books we found one the other.  One day, I will make a beautiful library your own."

She was young and cool and her favorite book was Lolita.  I was older.  She was younger.  Maybe she was trying to be cool.  She had a boyfriend.

"Fuck it." I thought.  She said there was something about me.  And to me, there was something about her.  I didn't just want to jack-off about her and daydream about traveling the world with her (I'm not saying that not I didn't not do that).  So I kind of put her out of my mind.

Drunk, she said she didn't trust herself around me.  Sober, I don't know how much I trust myself around myself or her.  I wanted to tell her "Hey I love you.  Let's travel the world 'till we are old and 'till we die.  Listen to much good music, drink much good wine, eat little good food to keep our bodies little and attractive, read many good stories, make much grand love, and play the grandest of grand pianos where I'll play the low end and you play the high."

To which her reply, "I do."

"And when we die and see God we'll say 'Thanks.'"

Nothing became of nothing.  But in the future, maybe, something becomes of something.

The Bible Didn't Turn Into A Sword, But Neither Did It Disappoint

When I was around 9 years old or so I was told (by people in the know) that if I read the whole Holy Bible it would wholly turn into a sword--a real, tangible, long, sharp, double-edged sword.  I don't know what plans I had for my sword, but at 9 years old I sure as hell knew that it would be pretty bad ass to have a big ass sword.  And, considering that it seemed a daunting task to read the whole fucking Bible and coupled with the mysterious and supernatural qualities of God, I wholly believed this to be true.  I was an excited 9 year old.  I didn't finish until I was around 16.  Hey... some people believe in Santa Claus until they're 16... right?

There I was, a skinny little bitch with a big ass head pondering the mysteries of God and finding gladness in the truth that sooner or later I would be the proud owner of a sword.

I thought I'd start at the beginning.  Genesis was pretty sweet because I was already familiar with many of the stories.  There is a lot of cool shit in there!  Way too many to talk about here and now.  I'm writing this while trying to finish Beowulf for school and having a boner (not related).  Not easy.

(Note: to any readers out there around the world that are not very familiar with the Bible, all the stories I'm about to relate are true albeit in my own lingo--in my own words.  They are real Bible stories nonetheless.  No bullshit.)

We got Adam and Eve fucking around probably boning every waking hour and thinking, "Holy shit existence is awesome!  Hey Eve remember when we didn't exist like two hours ago?  Me neither ha ha!  This is great!  Let's do it again!  Bring your titties to me!  Thanks God!"  Then they eat apples and they're fucked and God's like, "You outta this bitch Eden!  Out out out you go.  See ya when you die."  Then they have an asshole son and a good son (just like that weird Macaulay Culkin movie where one brother tries to kill him, or he's the one killing the family or whatever).  Why did Cain kill Abel?  Because he was able!

Back then everyone lived to 900 years old which was pretty sweet I think.  I wonder if they just got wrinklier and wrinklier.  Maybe they got bored as fuck and were like "Hey dude I just turned 723 years old... when do we die?  What the fuck man I'm scared... what if we live forever?  What if this shit never ends!  I'm tripping dude."

"Nah man, stop tripping.  Just don't think about it dude.  Take a slam of some wine.  Let's get drunk."

Life goes on with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob (aka the main dude Israel!).  Israel has a shitload of sons (12).  One of those dudes has a cousin (or brother? or uncle?) named Lot (which I always thought was a weird name and it always made me think of a parking lot).  Then Lot dodges the whole Sodom and Gomorrah fiasco.  He's all chillin' at his house when two angels show up at his house and tell him "Yo dude, God has seen fit to save you and your family so you gotta get the hell out of this shithole and what the fuck man, a bunch of gay dudes were trying to rape us on our way into town."

"Oh ya sorry about those dudes.  They try to rape everyone that comes into town.  I already tried to send my virgin daughters out to them but they weren't interested."

"Well shit man, we gotta get outta here.  Get outta here soon, and when you're out of the town make sure you and your family don't look back or you're liable to turn into a stature made of salt and you'll be dead.  That's the deal bitch."

"Alright cool man thanks for the heads up and hey... sorry about the fags outside again.  They're really rude, but they just don't know any better, you can't spare them?"

"Nah man we burning this bitch to the ground so get the fuck outta here."

"Aight aight.  Hey family pack your bags we gotta get the fuck out of here!  NOW damn it!"  Lot yells at his family while the angels fly back to heaven and Lot waves at them.

"LOT!  Damn it!  I told you not to yell in the house you dick!  You dickless bastard!  Did you put the girls out to get raped?"

"Sorry honey.  No the girls are ready to go!"

"Do we have to leave?  I had plans to go shopping with all my gay friends tomorrow!  I was gonna buy a new snuggie and some desert ass sandals!"

"No!"  So the whole family gets the hell out of dodge and wouldn't you know it... the damned wife turns around and turns into salt.  "Fucking good riddance you old hag."  I'm sure Lot was thinking something like that... nah he was a nice dude.

And then the most abominable thing in the whole Bible happens.  Lot and his two daughters cruise out to the desert, or forest, or jungle or wherever and they move on from Sodom or Gomorrah.  Now the daughters are so hard up to have kids that they're all like, "Damn sister!  What we gonna do now?"

"Well, we gotta get pregnant!  Shit!  This sucks.  All those gay fucks in Sodom didn't wanna fuck us because they gay!"

"Well, fuck that, I'm not gonna not have kids.  I don't know about you."

"Shit... what to do, what to do..."  Then they both look at their dad reading the Bible a couple feet away.

"Umm, hey sis... I don't wanna sound like a super creep, but... you know... maybe... we could get dad drunk as fuck and then we can fuck him and get pregnant?"

"You're sick you know that!... You're sick... but... you might be on to something... alright fuck it I'm down."

Well, there you go.  Great idea ladies.  I am dumbfounded that there are so many uptight Christians with these kinds of stories in the Bible and I love the Bible for being so real and candid about the fucked up shit that went down.  Gotta keep it real--true stories about real people that didn't have perfect lives by any standards.  It makes me proud to be a Christian and gives me hope.  I would guess that, in general, most "Christians" see themselves as some holy, pure fucks and look down on anyone that smokes cigarettes or says fuck, as if they are better than anyone that is not a Christian.  I'd say their pride makes them the worst people; they have no empathy or love.  And when they pray all they do is ask for shit.  "Lord, if it is your will, please help me get this job at Starbucks."  As if God gives a fuck about you getting a job at Starbucks and why the fuck you gonna pray for that shit?  People are insane. And then, when they don't get their precious job they think "Oh God didn't want me to have that job.  Maybe He wants me to work at Target or Urban Outfitters."  Blaming God for their shittiness and lack of job-getting skills.  They just want everything for free.  Fuck off.  There are Christians in Africa dying of AIDS and starvation; that's right, even Christians can get/have AIDS too!  Christians are no different than non-Christians (and I'd say some "Christians" are worse).  And homie over here is asking for some gay ass job.  As if life is all just candy and flowers and smiles and rainbows and bullshit.  They literally think if you're a true "Christian" life will be perfect and easy and you'll never have problems, or AIDS, and you can go to Disneyland every other day.

And the story continues...

Ready to read the Bible
from beginning to end!

A "Poetry Slam"

I had never been to a "poetry slam" before tonight and though I'm no authority on the genre, I don't think I have been to one yet.  They should have called it a "spoken word slam" or whatever the fuck.  I'm not a poetry purist or anything like that.  I don't know shit about poetry or spoken word, but all these people were just talking and not rhyming.  They were yelling for the most part.


I was hoping for a pleasant night of clever rhymes, fast raps, and insightful poems that used all types of poetic devices or style or whatever it's called--meter, cadence, music, verse, mood, whatever, etc.  I, myself, spent a lot of fucking time composing an epic poem to contribute, but I did not get a chance so now I will use this blog as my stage!


I just want to say, though, that the night wasn't too bad--some annoying shit here and there, mostly annoying yelling/talking spoken word, some ok shit, very little good shit.  Most of them just spewed the usual trying-too-hard-to-be-offensive-yet-say-something-important-and-meaningful-to-get-away-with-it dribble.


I feel like people are too often pressured into marriage either by outside parties, or by the other person, or by oneself.  It must be fucking hell to be married to someone you don't really like.  So, I wrote a stupid poem about that.  I apologize for it sucking and being boring and shit.


For All My Lies by Me

Well, I’ll be fucked

All gone awry

Here I am stuck

For all my lies

Married hither

And no love found

Fuck, I kissed her

Now by ring bound

To promises

Traditional

And all the sex

Positional

In out, in out

For pleasure bound

You scream out loud

In pleasure town

Her asshole stink

When you are done

Her mouth too stinks

But it was fun

Penis thought then

And brain right now

Vagina then

And headache now

Kids do appear

And yell they do

‘Till you can’t hear

Oh what to do?

Not what you thought

This life would be

So hard you fought

To beaten be

Oh well, oh well

We run and run

Nowhere to tell

Hope rest will come

I'm the next T.S. Eliot damn it!

I'm the next James Joyce damn it!

I'm the next Ezra Pound damn it!

Love and Hate, Happiness and Sadness, and Shit On My Head

Well everyone should just shit all over me right now and get it over with.

Or what?

You're all happy one day because your belly is full of pizza.  Happy happy happy.  Life rules.

And then something goes wrong with something you have a lot invested in or you literally get fucked in the ass.  Then you are all sad sad sad.  Sadness becomes you.  Life sucks.

Then a cool TV show you love comes on and you drink a Coke Zero and you are happy happy happy again.  What is going on here?  Are we monkeys in a cosmic experiment?  Even if you followed all of the rules you are supposed to follow and did all the things are you supposed to do and never did the things you are not supposed to do you would still go through the same shit a shithead like me goes through--the same cycle for everyone.

You love someone so deeply.  And because you love them so deeply you are capable of intense opposite feelings.

Your heart is so glad and you love someone so much.  You're all happy and gay.  So gay.  All smiles and shit.  Nothing can bring you down...

Ah yes, except when she sucks someone else's dick.  Or you do something to fuck it all up.  Or if you're a woman, YOUR dude goes out and fucks some OTHER girl who, according to you, is a whore.

And then hate arrives (hate for yourself or someone else) and you can literally sit in a corner and stew all day in your hatred.  Thank you Lord!

Life is all love and hate and happiness and sadness all day every day all night every night.  How else could God keep us so occupied and sane other than by keeping us ever shifting.  We couldn't be happy forever without losing our minds or forgetting what happiness is.  The same goes for sadness, love, and hate.

It is no wonder humans are so narcissistic!  The happiness is satisfying, the sadness is satisfying, the hatred is satisfying, the love is satisfying and we cannot get enough.

We are ever consumed and too busy with this shifting and changing of mind to think about the fact that we'll be dead in 90 years if not sooner.  We're screwed.  You might as well shit on me now.  Nicely done.  Nicely done.  Our minds constantly diverted, I suppose this way of living is pleasant enough and it could definitely be worse.  Maybe THIS is as good as it gets.

Everything is so weird and confusing.  I love, but it seems like I just can't help being a shithead.  My head is made of shit.  Maybe I am doomed.  Maybe I am not.  I don't know if I had a choice in being the way I am.  Just roll with it I guess.  Try to do what's right.  Love fully, deeply and truly.  There is hope.  FIND TRUTH--let IT guide you.  Watch No Reservations and drink Coke Zero.  Wait to die.

for the love of all people, for the hate of sin,
happiness for the future glory and the
ultimate defeat of death, sadness for the
fallen state of humankind

I'd Serve Her Hand And Foot Man

It was a bright and shiny and sunny day, but it was about to get brighter, shinier, an sunnier.  Sam and I walked into a fancy store feeling fancy and there we beheld a beauty of beauties.

This girl didn't need an application and much less a resume to work anywhere!  At least, in my humble opinion, I wouldn't think so.  She probably just walked in there to shop and the manager probably came out running saying, "I'll pay you to work here!  I'll pay you to work here!"  Shit, I'd hire her to do ANYTHING or NOTHING... which ever she wanted.

We were walking comfortably in our own manner and gait, but as soon as we saw her she affected everything and we began walking more gentlemanly.  She affected everything.  Everything everywhere was brighter and more beautiful and more colorful... life was grander and I finally understood God's beauty.  Everything made sense and I understood why we should all love our neighbors and not say things like: fuck, shit, asshole, bitch, shit-for-brains, pussy, dick, punk bitch, etc.  Sam and I stopped short of her counter and luckily beheld her for a moment that was worth an eternity and we were eternally grateful.  We looked at each other and bowed like gentlemen do.  Then we went forward to her counter.

She looked at us and we melted into piles of shit.  She took our breath away.  She spoke to us sweetly.  She took care of all of our needs in such a delicate and graceful way.  We felt refreshed, healthy, and safe in her presence.  She had the most beautiful face in all the land.  She had the most beautiful everything in all the land.  We felt like maybe we weren't that bad of a people--there was hope for the human race.

We had certain feelings for her.  First and foremost we loved her and knew she would live a happy and long life that she deserved.  She would never grab a filthy cock.  She would have a perfect family and never raise her voice to scream or yell (except for when she would be having sex in holy matrimony).  She always smells sweet like a flower.  Her ass and breasts feel tender, and sumptuous and are supple.  Her eyes make everything ok.  Her smile blows your balls off.  She is to be treated like a fragile nightingale.  She glides instead of walks for angels guide her.  I would make love to her if I was married to her, but I would never and could never jack off and ejaculate about her--I could not defile her in such a manner in my brain or otherwise.  I would protect her virginity and life even if it would cost me my own.  I love her.  Sam wanted her in marriage.  I wanted her in marriage.  Forever man.  For fuckin' ever man.  Shit.  We left, but about twenty yards I couldn't stand it any more.  I would have no more part in not asking her out.

She was surrounded by three of her co-workers and I said, "Excuse me..."

She looked up and blew my mind, my socks, and my balls off.  I was in love and she took my breath away almost to death.  "Yes?  How can I help you?"  She asked and all the coworkers were looking at me.

"May I take you out sometime?  I must take you out sometime."  She gave me a shocked, embarrassed look as if I had just told everybody in front of her that she used to be a nazi; I have no clue what THAT meant.  She simply raised her left hand to show me the big ass diamond Superbowl ring that the guy that's been fucking her had given her before they started fucking.  They didn't start fucking until after marriage because that's the kind of girl she is.

"Oh I'm sorry, goodbye."

"It's ok.  I would TOTALLY go out with you if I wasn't married.  Goodbye."  She smiled and blew my balls off again.

I find it so stupid when people don't take a chance at anything for fear of rejection.  Was I made a complete fool of here?  It was hard with all her co-workers looking at me and whatever, but fuck them. In the end the worst that could have happened is they would have laughed at me and called me a dumb idiot shit head and tried to beat me up, but that is hardly even likely.  On the contrary, they all probably thought I was a brave knight!  There's not much to lose in situations like that.  She was too beautiful to not ask out.  Moral of the story: don't ever be a bitch--just fuck it and go for it.  Nothing bad will happen.  Good things will happen.  And the fear is fun anyway.  Get a little rush.

She was so beautiful.  I would gladly quit all the things I love doing in order to make her happy and FOCUS on her.  I would bow all the way down to the ground every time I saw her after not seeing her for at least an hour.  I would kiss every inch of her body every chance I would get, but then I would insist she bathed to clean my dirtiness off of her and I would have the softest water imported from the ends of the earth for her bath.  I would always speak ever so softly to her and I would never look her in the eyes unless she allowed me to and every time she smiled at me I would thank her profusely and then I would crumble and my heart would skip a thousand beats (but I would survive).  To touch her skin would give me the deepest sense of satisfaction and peace and it would deeply affect my soul and make it better.  It would make my soul brighter and purer.  Being in her company would be unbearably sweet.  And, I would like to make something very clear, to wit, I would never hit her... unless provoked.

This girl made me want to be GOOD for fuck's sake!  Do you not understand me!?  I'm losing my mind!  All I did was look at her and I thought, "I would never mistreat that girl.  She makes me want to be good and clean of spirit and never do 'hood rat things.'"  I NEVER WANT TO DO BAD THINGS BECAUSE OF THE WAY THIS GIRL LOOKS.  So sweet she looks.  So innocent she looks.  So pure she looks.  So nice she looks.  So fucking nice and sweet she looks and I am 100% sure she has never drank more than two drinks (alcoholic) in one day.

Making love to her, my friends, would go like this:

"Hello my Princess.  I avow my undying and eternal love for you.  Sickness never touches your beautiful body because sickness is ashamed to come anywhere near you.  Your beauty brings joy to the world.  Welcome home from work.  How may I serve you?  I have been waiting for you all day."  Long and low bow to the ground.

"Oh honey, you are so funny.  You're always so medieval and shit.  You're so sweet to me and thanks for devoting your life to making billions of dollars so I can live in the lap of luxury.  You're looking all sexy in your little gentleman outfit today."

"Thank you Princess, but I must disagree.  I look like a pile of shit compared to your beauty."

"You talk so funny babe."

"I can be funny if you want.  I can be anything you want.  You make me want to be good and moral."

"Actually... I'm really horny and I want you to fuck me so hard."

"My dear, you speak in the softest of manners and I will oblige you.  What would you like me to do?"

"Hurry let's go upstairs to our bomb ass super mansion master bedroom with the amazing view of waterfalls, sunsets, rivers, mountains, oceans, and almost extinct animals."

"Yes Princess of the world that makes the world a million times more beautiful and that reflects the beauty of the Lord of the heavens and the earth."

I pick her up in my strong arms and carry her up the stairs as I cry because I am holding the most beautiful girl in the w.w.w. (whole wide world).  We arrive at our destination.

"How shall I put you down Princess."

"Throw me on the bed and stop calling me Princess."  I throw her savagely on the bed and faint from the breathtaking experience.  Then I wake up to her saying,  "Now come tear my clothes off!"

I tear her fucking clothes off.

"Take your clothes off damn it."  She says as she grabs a bottle Jack Daniels next to the bed and takes a big ole slam.  I rip my clothes off and I'm buff as fuck because all I do is work out so she'll be attracted to my body and want to fuck me.

"Now fuck me doggy style and rough and talk dirty to me."  So I fuck her doggy style and rough and talk dirty to her.

"You're a bitch and I'm fucking you doggy style you whore... you're a whore and I'm fucking you like crazy."

Then she falls asleep saying, "I love you Danny."

I say, "I love you and I apologize for sexing you and talking to you in an abhorrent manner" in a trembling voice holding back tears and whimpers.  I walk into our closet and sit down and hold myself together as I cry myself to sleep in sheer happiness.  I don't deserve any of this.  And we're super married.

That's how it would all go down with this bitch.  All I'm saying is that this girl had the ass of a goddess, the breasts of a goddess, and the face of an angel.  But for real.  She is amazing.  And I'm a pile of shit. Ain't no girls walking around looking at me thinking, "Damn, look at that angel."  They're like, "Damn, look at that dumb ass wearing boots and stupid glasses."

I can't believe her beauty.  That girl must sleep so peacefully.  God must love her so much.  I would literally and figuratively be her slave.  I truly LOVE her.

Dorm Room Girls Sans Electricity!

I was at a girls dorm room yesterday with six girls... I know what you're thinking... No.  Stop thinking that.  I wish.

So, the lights were out on campus and all the way from the shitty city of Tijuana, Mexico to Los Angeles and apparently to parts of Arizona.  One of the girls had left something behind in class earlier so I came to the dorm to give it to her.  Plus it's fun/amusing/weird/funny/pleasant hanging out with cute 18 year old girls. Knock knock knock.

"Oh hi!  Thanks for bringing my shit to me!"  One of the girls with a German accent.

"Hello mate."  Another girl sitting on the couch said in her Australian accent because she's from Australia.

"Hey no problem, here you go."  I told the girl giving her shit back to her.

"Oh come in come in."  In her German accent.

"Oh shit, thanks.  What are y'all up to?"

"Oh we just enjoying the fucking black out in your country and southern California and there are so many things weird you Americans do and I'm from Germany."

"Ya ya ya ha.  May I have some water I'm fucking parched, thanks."

All the girls were excited by the blackout and kept jumping up and down on chairs and couches and talking in a different language that only 18 year old girls understand.  I thought they were gonna explode and a bunch of candy was going to come out of them like exploding piñatas.  Then I'd have to tell the cops how they died by untamed, uncontrollable excitement--kind of like when a baby rattlesnake bites you and they don't know how much venom to put into you so they put way too much.  Okay, that analogy doesn't quite work.

One of the girls was particularly excited and she was giving a speech while standing on one of the chairs: "I've been hearing that the end of the world is coming!!!  My friends have been telling me that the end of the world is coming!!!  They said that there would be disasters all over the WORLD!!!  And there is!!!  Now we're all gonna die!!!  Woo!!!  I think it was a terrorist attack!!!  (she didn't know that the word 'terrorist' is offensive to 'terrorists' and that it's not a PC word and that 'terrorists' prefer to be called 'alternative lifestyle activists')  It's all in the Bible!!!  Ahhh!!!  Cool!!!"

"We should take vodka shots!"  Australian accent Australian girl.

"Ja!"  German girl.

Super excited girl, "No!!! I can't get drunk!!!  What if we get drunk and then the cops come and we all have to get evacuated because of some fire burning down the whole school!?!?!?  No!!!  We should go to Irvine and party!!!"

"I'm gonna take a shower with the door open because I don't wanna take a shower in the dark."  One of the other cute girls said.  They were all cute.  It was like hanging out with a bunch of bunnies and squirrels and chicks and ponies and baby monkeys all squeaking.  I thought maybe I should leave, but the girl was in the shower before I got the chance.

There was a knock on the door and the girls all flipped out.  "Who could that be!?"

It was their RA (like their hall monitor girl or whatever) and she came to tell them that the lights would be out all night and that there was no school the next day, "Ya and here's a flashlight for you guys if you need it."

"Cool!  We needed a flashlight!  Thanks!"

"Oh you're welcome!  I'll be around later to see if you guys are ok."

"Your hair looks beautiful!  Did you do something to it?  Did you color it!?"  All the girls were perpetually squeaking and jumping up and down.

"Oh no... my hair is just losing the color I had put in it..."

"Oh cool!  Is that your natural hair color then!?"

"No, it's super blonde like yours."

"Is your hair always that curly!?  I love it!!!"

"Ya it is."

"You look so cute!"

"Ok bye girls!"

"Ok bye!"

I was thoroughly enjoying myself and I thought what it'd be like if it were all dudes instead...

          Knock knock knock...

          "Yo who the fuck could that be?"

          "Shit I hope it's not that square ass fag hall monitor.  Put the beers away dude he'll fucking tell 

          on us."

          "Hey guys, I just brought a flashlight in case you guys needed one... it smells like alcohol in 

          here."

          "Nah man we don't drink.  Thanks for the flashlight.  You have cool shoes."

          "Oh ha ha I was gonna ask if I could drink with you guys."

          "Nah man we don't have any alcohol, but if we did we'd totally hook you up."

          "Ok gents, let me know if you need anything.  I'll be around la..."

          Slam the door on his face.  "What a faggot.  Hey dudes who's turn is it to suck my dick?"

Ok, maybe it wouldn't be quite like that.  Back to my true story...

The girls kept talking about going to Los Angeles or Irvine or wherever there was electricity so they could party, but I found it hard to focus with a girl walking around in a towel.

"Well ladies, I must be off."

"Awww!  Do you really have to go!?"

"Ya, I should get going... gotta get going... gotta go read for... school."

"Awww!!!  Well, let us all fuck you before you go!"

"Umm, ok, cool."  And then a bunch of 18 year old girls fucked me.

A Mission: A Trip To The Orient

     Justen and I were at the Australian airport waiting to board our plane to Japan and we didn't quite remember how we got to Australia and we weren't sure what part of Australia we were in, but I don't think we cared that much.  For some reason, the airport bar seemed like a nice place to wait for our ride up to Japan country.  I was looking forward to not being as short as I usually am.

     "Hey man, what do you think it means to 'love God?'"  I mused.

     "Well shit man... to love everything he is I guess?"

     "So to hate the devil would be to hate everything that the devil is?  What is God?"

     "He's a big ass dude in heaven who loves good things and not raping people and to be nice to people.  God is goodness and the devil is badness.  So if you hate raping bitches... you hate the devil."

     "Shit, sounds easy enough to me man.  I'd hate to be raped.  And I'd hate for some little ass cute ass blonde ass vulnerable ass little girl to get the shit raped out of her by some stinky ass big ass motherfuck bloke with a crooked dick.  So, ipso facto, I hate the devil and I love God.  We're Christians dude!"

     "Well shit, IF all that shit is true and there IS a God, then I love him too.  The devil's not gonna be happy with us dude.  If he exists he probably fucking hates us for not picking his side... shit he probably hates us either way.  If I were the devil I'd just hate everyone no matter what."

     "And IF God does exist, then I love the shit out of him.  He's the good guy.  The martyr.  The best.  IF he does exist then there's a heaven and I'd rather go there than to hell with a bunch of rapists and fat asses and jerks.  I wanna be in heaven with all my dead homies and where depression doesn't exist."

     "Yup yup."

     I thought about how odd it is that sometimes it is a GOOD thing to hate.  I hate little girls being raped.  I hate little boys being raped.  I hate legal aged women (18 and up) getting raped... unless they're into that kind of shit.  In which case, I'm not sure if I hate it.  "Bartender my man!  Can we get two long islands for my friend here and a Red Bull double vodka for myself?  Thanks man."

     I turned to Justen and in a hushed way, "Alright, so what?  Now I owe this fuck a two dollar tip or more for pouring us some fucking drinks?  I OWE him two fucking dollars for pouring us fucking drinks.  I'm gonna make my fucking tip worth it."  Louder and to the bartender, "Sir bartender  my good man!  I shall be tipping you four dollars for your troubles, thank you sir!"  The bartender turned around, brought our empty glasses in front of us and magically made my Red Bull double vodka into a Red Bull quadruple vodka and made Justen's Long Islands into superhero Long Islands and gave us free shots of Bombay Sapphire on the side and then he winked at us.

     "Where you guys headed?"

     "Hey man that's none of your business."

     We had a good chuckle.

     "We're off to Japan and you're sending us off quite right mate!  Thanks and cheers!"  The bartender took a mad chug of some crazy looking gold bottle, "Cheers mates!"

     Over the loudspeaker all over the airport: "NOW BOARDING THE FLIGHT TO JAPAN.  ANNOUNCEMENT ANNOUNCEMENT!  NOW BOARDING THE FLIGHT TO JAPAN.  ALL YOU FUCKS GOING TO JAPAN GET ON THE FUCKING PLANE NOW.  IF YOU'RE GOING TO JAPAN GET ON THE FUCKING PLANE THAT IS NOW GOING THERE.  HURRY UP BITCHES BECAUSE WE'RE NOT GONNA WAIT FOR YOUR DUMB ASSES IF YOU'RE NOT ON THE PLANE ON TIME.  ALL ABOARD TO JAPAN!"

     Justen and I thought it was really cool how different things are Down Under.

     We found our seats and sat the fuck down.  We agreed to switch seats if one or the other wanted to look out the fucking window to see how cool it looks looking out the window at the earth from a plane.  Super cool dude.  No one gives a fuck about that anymore do they?

     I thought I'd embarrass Justen, so, when the hot-as-fuck stewardess walked by I said to her, "Excuse me, really hot stewardess, may my friend and I get a couple jack and cokes?"

     "Oh I'm sorry you have to wait until we're in the air."

     "Oh but we were really looking forward to drinking before we were in the air and plus you're really really beautiful."

     "Not very smooth mister, but okay, the best I can do is sneak you a couple of tiny bottles each before take off.  Hold on a second."

     "Oh and miss, my friend here thinks you are incredibly beautiful and he is on the brink of asking you to marry him... he's just a little bit shy."

     She looked at Justen and then back at me, "Tell your friend I think he's ok."  Then she winked at Justen and gave him an insanely sexy smile as if she was saying "Wait 'till you see what I have in store for you big boy."  She came back super fast with a shitload of assorted bottles for us--fucking whiskey, vodka, gin, rum, buncha ass little tiny bottles for a good take off experience.  Justen and I do NOT do well flying.  The stewardess dropped the bag full of bottles on Justen's lap and then leaned in to whisper in my ear, "It could have been you, but tell your friend I'm really good with my tongue and that if he needs to 'use' the bathroom to use the one in the front."  I looked at her with a grave look on my face and said, "I love you."  She gave me a kiss on the cheek and off she went.

     Justen and I pounded a couple bottles each right before take off.

     "Dude!"  I whisper screamed at Justen so that no one could hear me, "That waitress is gonna suck your dick!  You mother fucker!  She's gonna suck your big ass dick in the middle of the air.  I want my dick sucked in midair you bastard ha ha ha!"

     "What are you talking about man?  You and your crazy bullshit ha ha ha."

     "She whispered to me to tell you that she's really good with her tongue and that if you have to 'use' the restroom to use the one up front.  Lucky bastard."

     "Ha ha ha well I'll be the judge of that tongue.  Thanks for hooking that up.  Cheers."  We drank another little assorted bottle.

     About a mile up in the air Justen all of a sudden had an urge to 'use' the restroom... maybe it was all the drinks he had... maybe it was something else.  He walked to the front of the airplane and I saw the hot-as-fuck stewardess close the curtain behind them.

     We landed in Japan.  Since our trip to Japan was a high-minded one in nature and purpose we immediately set out to find a whorehouse to have sex with some fine ass Japanese women to get that out of the way.  We quickly found one and I had three girls in my room.  After the erotic madness, I was thinking clearly, I had my head straight and I was ready for the mission.

     We cleaned up at a nearby hotel, hailed a cab, and made our way to a secret ninja compound.  We arrived at a fucked up looking warehouse.  I knocked and someone shouted something from inside and then I shouted the secret password and then they let us in.  "How can we help you fine gentlemen from the west?"

     "Sensei, we need a couple of your best ninjas to help us break out a friend from a North Korean prison."

     "For Danny and Justen... anything.  Both of you have saved my life countless times and have helped the cause of the ninja many a time.  You two are... legends."

     He told us to get on a specific boat at a specific time that would take us to a specific coast in North Korea.  A buncha ass undercover ninjas would be accompanying us.  We did as we were told.  When we got to North Korea we were told by the ninjas to stay in the boat and that they would come back with our friend within an hour.  We knew better, so, as soon they were out of view we got the fuck out of the boat with a sniper rifle each in hand.  We found some strategic places to hide.  Justen made a quick fox hole in the sand facing our boat about a hundred yards away.  I wrapped myself in leaves and climbed a big tree facing our boat--I was about 50 yards away.

     Just as we thought, five North Korean special ops elite warriors came out of the jungle carrying machetes, grenades, machine guns, missile launchers, grenade launchers, hand guns, and swords.  They had our ninja friends and our prisoner friend tied up and with sacks over their heads.  They pushed them to the edge of the beach and made them kneel.  Our boat was twenty yards away in the ocean, but it was super cool that we weren't in the fucking boat!  Our homies were on their knees with their hands tied behind their backs and their heads hanging in utter despair.  They thought they were as good as dead and were super sad about it.  They were also really sad because they thought they had failed us.

     One of the North Korean shit-heads screamed at the boat in broken English, "We know you in der bitches!  We know you in da boat you bitches!  Danny!  Justen!  We fackin know you in der!  You all stupid!  Stupid stupid stupid!  We no kill you stupid fren!  But now!  Now you come to us with stupid ninjas!  Now we kill you stupid fren and we kill you stupid ninjas!  We chop dem up and we blow dem up!  Danny!  Justen!  Come out!  We shoot you boat with magic missile!  You die!  Danny!  Justen!"

     I whispered into my walkie-talkie, "Yo Justen, I'm gonna slam one of the little bottles of whiskey I still have."

     He whispered back, "Alright cool.  Me too."

     "Alright man.  Ready?"

     I responded, "Ya, I'm ready."

     "Danny Danny Danny!  Justen Justen Justen!"  The North Korean was jumping up and down with his short little legs.  "We blow you da fuck up bitches!"

     Justen shot two of the North Koreans in the head killing them.  I shot two of the North Koreans in the head killing them.  Justen automatically and quickly loaded a tranquilizer into his sniper rifle and shot the jumping-up-and-down-and-yelling North Korean in the neck.  He fell down instantly.  We did all of this within one second.  I jumped off the tree and stripped off the leaves and Justen was already next to me as we trotted to our homies and the temporarily paralyzed North Korean.  "Hey you little fuck North Korean.  We beat you bitch ha ha ha.  See ya next time asshole."  Justen was laughing in his face.
     "Faaaaccckkkk you Justen!"  The little North Korean Hitler couldn't do shit except for scream and watch as we escaped.
     We untied our homies and we all jumped into the boat.  We made our way back to Japan super fast and returned the ninjas to the sensei.

     We flew back to Australia and from Australia we flew to Hawaii and dropped off our friend with specific instructions: "Use this secret bank card that has a limit of one million dollars to relax and take a vacation.  You may return to the continental U.S. once you have spent the million dollars and had a good time and relaxed and felt better after being a prisoner of North Korean shit-heads."

     As for Justen and me, well, we went back to whatever it is we do when we're not out doing whatever it is that we also do.