Two Angels and One Archangel

I had already died a long time ago. Time in heaven was weird. You see we're always waiting for another second, another minute, another hour, another day to go by—not so in heaven. Time is different in heaven. There's never another moment, neither one past, nor one coming up. Everything and all just is.

So, I had my hands in my pockets (and in heaven you don't even have hands or pockets), and I was walking around, just saying hello to folks.

The angels kind of keep to themselves, because they're a little bit different; we don't quite understand them, and they don't quite understand us. There is a lot in heaven that is not quite understood. I thought that once I got to heaven I would know everything. That wasn't the case.

I slowed down by two angels that were having some kinda argument. Sometimes, if the angels noticed that you were listening to them, they'd fly off somewhere to the Angel's Lounge, so that you wouldn't listen to their strange conversations.

"Hey shhhh Billy. Let me grab a cigarette," one angel whispered to the other, as I walked by in my heaven outfit.

"Man motherfucker, I ain't got no cigarettes, and I ain't had no cigarettes for a long time now, and you know that," the other was annoyed.

I bent over and picked up a bug, so that it would seem like I wasn't listening to them.

"Well, I want a cig man. Do you think we outta stop smoking?"

"Shit dude, if I got a cig right now I'd smoke it, but it fucking sucks. Once I start smoking, I need one to go to sleep."

"Ya, me too. Fuck."

"Let's go ask Gabriel if he has smokes. He's in and knows whoever to get smokes all the time."

"Ha ha! Yous crazy. You wanna ask an archangel for a smoke? He gon beat our asses you dumb ass."

"Man, I'm tired and now that you bring it up, I want a smoke. Fuck it. Let's ask him and be respectful."

"I'm in."

"Hey human," the second angel was addressing me—fuck.

I picked up a Lady Bug and turned, acting as if I hadn't been listening, "What do you angels want? What do you want? Go mind your own business. I'm trying to admire the bugs here can't you see?" I had to act annoyed, because humans were a little higher on the totem pole in heaven.

"Hey we mean no disrespect. We're gonna go get smokes from Gabriel, and we were wondering if you'd come with us. Gabriel is nicer when we're with humans. Do us a solid?"

I had to keep acting annoyed, "Man, I don't even fucking smoke. Why y'all even smoke? And why y'all wanna go bother Gabriel? He's gonna fuck us all up. Just get some of Jesus' wine and shut the fuck up."

"Nah, homie, we just haven't smoked in a while. Don't make us beg," this was the second angel talking to me the whole time.

"OK. Fuck it. I'm up for some trouble. On one condition: what's y'alls' names?"

The angels looked at each other, and the second one spoke up, "Fuck it. I'm Billy, and this is Jeremy. You know we're not suppose to get to know each o' too good. Yous humans suppose to be mo' respected."

"Man, don't tell me how it is up here. We been up here fo' a long ass time fool," I countered.

"Let's go then?" — Billy.

"Ya man, let's role...how do you guys even know where Gabriel is? He's a fucking big shot," I wondered.

"He's always behind the Angel's Lounge in the alleyway," Jeremy the angel finally spoke up.

"OK. Let's get you guys some smokes, if Gabriel will hook you up."

We walked a ways, we flew a couple million miles, we went through different warp-holes, we passed a millennia of old-school vets, we loved a million women, we flew through space, we made friends, we prayed to Jesus, we were holy, and we finally arrived behind the Angel's Lounge.

"Alright human—"

"Dude, my name is Danny."

"Sorry...Danny, go behind the alleyway, and say hello to Gabriel, and then me and Jeremy will come up behind you, and you'll acknowledge us. That'll impress Gabriel."

"Whatever."

I straightened my suit out. I put my hands in my pocket, and I started whistling 'Wake Up Dead Man," by U2, and I walked briskly behind the Angel's Lounge.

WOW. I saw him. I hadn't seen Gabriel in a long time. It was always awesome in the best sense of the word. He was just a huge fucking spectacular warrior of an angel. He was an angel that could take out an army of angels. I had never spoken to him before. He was surrounded by about five angel women. There were no humans in sight. I knew I was going to be respected because Jesus had died for us, but I was still very intimidated.

Gabriel saw me and instantly turned around and addressed me, "Lord, what are you doing around these parts? Please let me know how I can help you."

WOW. He was totally talking to me, "Archangel Gabriel, no need to call me Lord. Thank you for everything you've done for the kingdom."

"No need to thank me for anything. Always thank the LORD. How can I help you?"

"Oh...," I didn't know what to say. I thought the dumbass normal angels would have showed up by now, "Tell me. What was it like fighting the devil and his demons?"

The women angels giggled, and I felt like a fool. Gabriel looked at them condescendingly and they shut the hell up.  He spoke to me, "It was no joke Danny. They only look for blood and would like nothing more than to see me dead and non-existent. At every moment, they dream for my death, for the death of you, for the death of Jesus, God, and the Holy Ghost. They only have one goal on their minds: death."

"I see," I was terrified all of a sudden.

"Yes. Michael and I must worry about their wellbeing, about protecting humans, and about protecting our army of angels, and making sure that they don't take any more angels or people to their side. So, they only have one goal, and Michael and I have many goals and rules to abide by. So—to answer your question—it's a bitch, but God gives us strength, and we believe in Love, sir."

"I'm impressed Michael...I mean Gabriel! Sorry!" I fucked up.

"It's OK. It happens once in a while. There's only two of us, after all—"

That's when Jeremy and Billy showed up.

"Lord Danny, good to see you again," they both recited at the same time, and I knew they had been practicing that stupid phrase.

I turned hard and glared at them, "No need to call me Lord. I was just on my way out. Please enjoy your Lounge."

And then Billy spoke up, "Oh hello Gabriel sir. We didn't mean to interrupt," and Jeremy gave me a hard look.

Ah poor angels, I thought. They just wanted their damn cigarettes. I turned around.

"Gabriel, fine soldier and worshiper of Jesus, would you happen to have a cigarette or two. I have been drinking Jesus's wine for a couple millennia now, and I am getting a craving for some nicotine. I hope I am not insulting you by asking you," I played it off just fine.

"Lord Danny—"

"Please archangel Gabriel, do not call me Lord."

"Danny, let me send you off with a couple crates of cigarettes for your journeys."

"I would appreciate that."

And so the archangel Gabriel brought out a couple crates of cigarettes for me to take on the road, and I responded to him, "archangel Gabriel, give my best to Michael if you see him. I actually have a date with Jesus and a wife I used to have on Earth; her name is Lise Louiselle Marie Martineau. We are going to have some wine. Do you mind if I use these useful angels to help me carry these crates of cigarettes? I have known Jeremy and Billy for some time now, but if you need to speak to them, I can call other angels to help me."

"Absolutely not, please take Billy and Jeremy. They are fine angels, and I will be calling upon them for promotions soon," and then Gabriel addressed the angels, "Jeremy, please take care and say hello to your mother; you have been a great angel, and I am promoting you soon. Billy, please stop causing trouble and I will not demote you. I have a mission for you soon, and if you undertake it successfully, I will not demote you, and I will even consider promoting you. Do not fail Lord Danny, and if you do he will tell me of his troubles. Take care, all of you. Goodbye."

The angels knew better than to respond, and they simply bowed to Gabriel. Me on the other hand, "Alright Gabriel. Take care, and don't give the ladies too much of a hard time!" He laughed and I laughed, and we waved at each other goodbye.

"Enjoy your smokes Billy...Jeremy," I handed the crates over to them.

"So are you really going to have dinner with Jesus?" Jeremy was cool.

"Yup, Jeremy. I'm pretty tight with him. Listen, both of you, look me up. Let's hang out whenever. You guys are fun guys. I'll talk to you soon, OK?"

"You got it Lord Danny!" They both accidentally jinxed themselves.

"Don't call me Lord Danny—Just Danny."

A Case of Supervenience: An Incredible Case of Supervenience

This was INCREDIBLE and could not be made up. FUCK THIS. TRUE STORY.

So, after a ten week bender (I literally got drunk for ten horrible days), I sobered up for an even four days. Four days. OK? Four days.

Still hazy from this bullshit, I had to go back to grad school (I had even missed one week on accident). So after four days of hazy sweaty, cold, nightmare nights of sleep I went back to school, and I was on the brink of feeling better. I spent the whole first day back to school well, but that night was (unsurprisingly) nasty. Still though, I went to "sleep" (AKA hurtful bolking, routing, rucking, eructating, whatever-you-wanna-call-it, weird dreams, not sleeping, endless thinking, weird thoughts, et al.).

AND HERE IT COMES.

The second night, around eight post meridian (PM), I was seriously about to crash and go to sleep sleep. I was so joyful! I literally walked into my car and nearly fell asleep. Let me explain.

After ten days of binging, you don't get much real sleep. And after four days of "sleep" your body starts getting used to the idea of sleep. And then, your body really wants sleep. So, around eight post meridian on the fifth day of my sobriety, and after one day of hardcore philosophical grad school, my mind and body was ready to fucking rest. I mean really fucking ready to rest peacefully.

BUT NO.

I was falling asleep, and responsibly I made myself eat a quick meal. I could hardly keep my eyes open. I was SO happy. I was falling asleep asleep. I parked my car next to the school at that time, which meant that all the kiddies had gone away too, and there was an abundance of parking right next to the school—free parking right in front of the school. Wow. Thank God. I ate. I crawled to the back of my car and fell asleep.

I sleep in my car in Los Angeles when I come up for school three days out of the week for my Master of Philosophy program at Biola University.

I dozed off. I was gone. I had headphones on, with Coldplay whisking me away to sleep. And I went to sleep.

At four ante meridian (AM) or around there... I WAS JOLTED AWAKE BY MY BOWELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I literally have to put that many exclamation marks to make my fucking point. At four ante meridian I was forced straight up from my sleeping position into a sitting position.

I held my gut so HARD.

OH SHIT... LITERALLY.

I fucking grabbed my gut and made my way to the driver's seat. Nope. This SHIT was literally going to SPILL out of me that instant. I jumped out of the car holding my gut.

What could I do? I looked across the street? Could I take a fucking shit in the bushes across the street? Could I even make it that far? This SHIT was coming fast and furious and out of nowhere.

No.

I couldn't make it across the goddam street.

I leaned on my car and groaned. HOLY FUCK. Was this really happening to me at four ante meridian??? It was fucking still dark out. I groaned. It was happening. Either I was going to shit myself on the spot, or I was going to run to a nearby bush (stuck to the school) and shit behind it.

I hobbled like a fucking Hobbit behind the bush next to the building of the school. I found a strange square contraption next to the bush. I squatted. I pulled my fucking PJs down to my ankles and took a crazy shit right there on the school's property. I could literally hear the security guards making their rounds around the building. Can you believe this? This is a true story that happened to me on February 19th of the Lord's year 2013.

I squatted like a bum behind a bush and took a full shit. There was no thinking about: where is the toilet paper? who is looking? what do I do after the shit? how do I go on as a real human after this? what is normal and OK to do as far as being a respectful human? None of that could matter, when SHIT was splurting and splashing and exploding out of my fucking ass without asking me if I could wait to find a proper venue!!!  There it was. A big fucking messy, shitty (literally do I have to say), wobbly, holy hell, fuckup, nasty, brown, black, nasty mess of a wet mess of shit was beneath me.

It was an incredible case of supervenience (look it up).

I was so incredibly relieved. I mean, when you have to take a shit, I guess you just have to. And I took it–right there and then I had to.

And now... there I was with a weird mess of shit to deal with and a dirty asshole (as if assholes aren't dirty enough already).

What do you do? Ivan? Ismael? Josh? Daniel? George? Sam? Priscilla? What do you do?

Phew, it was a relief though. I stood straight up (all 5'4'' of me) with my pants down and looked at the splashy mess. And then...

OH SHIT, I thought. I can't just leave my asshole unclean and a pile of shit at my school's bush! So, I took off my pants off, grabbed my underwear and wiped my ass real hard (only once), and then I grabbed all of my real shit on the ground (as much as I could) with my wiped-ass underwear, and then I was left with a ball of underwear shit and a half cleaned ass.

I was left with a ball of underwear with shit in it, and my ass was half (or less) cleaned. Every time you wipe your ass, you check it at least several times. This time I could only wipe my ass once and be done with it! I pulled my pants back up and clenched my ass, until I knew what I would do next (you know, so that I wouldn't get ass-shit on my PJs).

After a couple cars drove by, and after I could hear the guards weren't around, I ran to my car with shit in my hand and threw it behind one of the wheels of my car. What else could I do? This is no joke!!!

And then I breathed a sigh of relief.

It was all over. I didn't have to shit anymore! It was over! I was human again! I didn't have to grab my gut out of nowhere and wonder where I was going to take an immediate shit anymore! I felt amazing...

BUT...

There was still a ball of underwear with a bunch of shit in it behind my wheel, my asshole was still only half cleaned, it was still around four ante meridian, and there was still some shit left behind the bush next to my school's building.

I took a deep breath. I smelled my hands hard to see if there were any specks of shit on them (as far as I could tell [and after being in such a bad spell of being hungover and curing myself] there was no shit on my hands). I jumped into my car. HAH! I put on some clean underwear, and I thought to myself...

"Well, it's supposed to rain today. Maybe the rain will wash the rest of my shit away from the bush."

And there I sat and tried to sleep again in the ante meridian, with a half cleaned ass in clean underwear and questionable PJs.

THIS REALLY HAPPENED. IT HAD NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE, AND NOW I AM MORE UNDERSTANDING OF "BUMS" WHO PERHAPS HAVE TO GO THROUGH SIMILAR THINGS ON A REGULAR BASIS.

All of this was quite amazing.

I hope it rains today.

I Wish I Could Love You, if it Were Only that Easy (Flying to Germany)

I was in my room, right? OK.

Then I just knew she was going to be coming around soon, because of last night. Fuck.

Bam! Motherfucker. Bam! On the goddam window of my fuckin' room.

"Hello?" As if she was just looking for someone casually—my ass was looking for someone casually. My ass.

I kept quiet—please go away. Please go away. Please go away. I closed my eyes. Please go away.

"I know you're in there, Danny!"

I laughed to myself and ran my hands through my hair and face and neck—fuck it.

"HOLD ON," I opened the door that led to the outside from my dark, wooden colored, cubby hole room with the silver fan buzzing above me, "Hey. Hey, how's it going? Come in. Do you want to come in?"

"No. No. I don't think I want to come in," chagrined. She just fucking stood there looking down with her goddam arms crossed, and she was like wearing those kind of fucking ballerina slippers or whatever the fuck girls wear sometimes when they're too lazy to wear real shoes.

"OK. No problem," I went outside and closed the door behind me. I walked over to a bench and sat the fuck down. And then I fucked up. I sighed a little too loudly.

Bam! She spun around and, "What? You want me to leave? Look at me. You want me to leave? Just tell me to leave and that you never want to see me again."

I wasn't gonna go into all that.

She waited, and then, "Why don't you love me? I'm pretty, I'm smart. Why don't you love me?"

And for some weird reason I had a quick and honest response to that, which wasn't really an answer, "Why don't you love that one guy you told me loves you? He's always bugging you. He really fucking loves you. Why don't you love him?"

"Because I love you. Because I love you, dammit! I LOVE YOU!" Oh boy she was crying now, and I looked like a fool. That was a pretty good answer. She continued, "So, what? You love someone else?"

I had a quick answer for that too, "No, actually. I don't love anyone. I used to love this one chick—"

"I don't wanna hear about who you used to love, you fucking asshole!"

"I'm sorry," stupidly. I looked down at the ground like a little boy that is in trouble. And you know what? To be honest, I might have fucked up. You see, when two people fuck, and there's no construct as to where it might lead, you would think that neither should be at fault if the other gets hurt for unrequited feelings of attachment. And I'm thinking that in most cases that's probably true. Buuuuuttttt, if one of the people knows that the other person is pretty much in love with the other person, and STILL makes love to that person, without having any feelings for that person, that person should be at fault. You shouldn't fuck someone that loves you and that you don't love when you know the other person loves you. That's fucked up. That's leading someone on or using someone...

But! Here's how you get away with it...

If a person loves you and wants to fuck you and you also want to fuck that person too but you don't love that person (and you know that person loves you), all you have to do is this: Tell that person, "Hey, I know you love me. I know you love me. It's OK. I'm going to be honest with you. I don't love you at all. But listen, I want to fuck you. So, if you want to fuck, let's just fuck. It's up to you."

Bam! And you know what? I think I did that with this girl! But they'll get all fucked up about it anyway: boy or girl.

"Don't call me. I never want to see you again. Goodbye, Danny," she walked away, as I stared at her ass, thinking Damn, I wish I could fuck her right now.

That doesn't make me an asshole, I thought to myself. I just want to fuck a girl... that girl. Well, whatever.

She was turning the corner of my house and was about to be out of sight when I whispered, barely out of her hearing range: "I wish I could love you... if it were only that easy." And then I thought about all the girls that didn't love me when I loved them. What a sad and fallen world Lord. I can't wait to be with you Jesus, where hearts don't break anymore. I love you Jesus, at least, I thought.

I went back into my stupid, dark, wooden colored cubby of a room, and my cell phone rang.

I answered to a girl saying seductively, "Surprise!"

"OK. Hey! How have you been? You're calling all the way from Germany right now?"

"Yes. And I have another surprise for you," she done says to me.

"Well out with it girl. Don't make me wait. People that make me wait end up being sorry, you know that?"

"You stupid silly. I bought you a plane ticket to Germany, and I just emailed it to you, and you're coming on holiday with me. We're gonna travel all of Eastern Europe!"

"Well... Eastern Europe sounds... exotic? Ha ha!"

"Oh shut up stupid silly. I'm going to show you beautiful Eastern Europe. Don't say no. People that say no to me end up being sorry, I hope you know this."

"Ha ha, well I'm not going to say no to a fucking Nazi. Of course I'm coming. I'll check the dates on my ticket, and you better fucking be there to pick me up."

"Don't call me a Nazi you fucker. YES. I will be there. This call is costing me too much. Goodbye for now. Ciao."

"Bye, baby," and we both hung up.

(A PICTURE OF BEAUTIFUL EASTERN EUROPE, OR SO THE INTERNET TELLS ME)

Whisking Away the Day

I walked past (is it passed or past?) a mirror. I stopped, walked backwards, and stopped in front of the mirror. I made an about face to the right and stared at my reflection; I scrutinized my face.

I wonder what is good enough, I thought to myself, as I made weird faces and pulled my face this way and that way with my crazy hands, hmmm.

I looked down at my clothes, fuck this. I went back to my room and changed into a more forced ensemble.

I walked back to the mirror and globbed a grip of pomade into my hair until I styled it quite right, and then I stuck my glasses back on—my Johnny Depp/John Lennon/try-really-hard-to-look-cool-with-glasses-on spectacles.

I walked out into New York. I looked up into the sky and got depressed, as usual. I was going to the movies by myself to watch the new Brad Bird film; it was produced by Steven Soderbergh; I was excited, and I felt that I looked pretty damned good (as good as I could look I supposed).

As I was looking up at the sky, a wonderful fucking girl bumped into me really hard, "Ah, fuck!" I almost fell over.

"Oh! Watch it!"

"Huh?"

A guy that was with her pushed me further, and I had to prop myself up with a hand before going all the way down. I got that shitty feeling of my heart sinking to my gut; I didn't know if this guy was going to go all the way and try to beat me up.

And so says he to me, "Watch it you fucking asshole. You want me to kick your ass right here? Apologize."

Holy shit, are these people on drugs? I thought to myself. Fuck it. Here we go again, I thought. He was advancing on me, as I had staggered a little back. I quickly took my specs off and thrust them into the inside of my coat.

"OK, let's do this you motherfucker," seriously and sick I invited, and right when he got close enough, I shoved him hard and kicked one of his feet behind the other so that he tripped and fell to the ground. I took my jacket off and threw it around somewhere out of the way.

"Hey Danny, what's going on?" A buddy was around and wanted to help me out.

"Ah nothing. This guy wants to fight, so now I'm fucking stuck here having to deal with this bullshit," I stared at the guy getting up, as he was staring at me, "I don't give a fuck man. What the fuck do you want?"

The lovely couple stepped into the fray and disappeared.

"Hey Johnny."

"Hey man what you up to? Where you headed?"

"Gonna go see the new Brad Bird movie. What's up with you?"

"Gonna go see my girlfriend. Hit me up. I'm always game for a fight! Ha ha!" He strolled and rolled away, also into the fray.

I picked my coat up and threw it on. It was windy; it was gray; it was lovely; it was cold; it was what I loved. My heart rate began to ease up.

I went to get some coffee to get fucked up before the movie. As I walked into the shop, I noticed people making a fucking circle around a crazy man wielding a knife at the cashier. Without thinking, I made my way through the crowd, as I heard the bastard yelling, "Fuck you! You owe me $100!" He was grabbing the confused cashier (barista supposedly) by the collar.  I briskly walked up behind him and jammed my right foot behind his knee, as I punched the back of his head (you know, right where the visual cortex is) blinding him. He fell back smoothly and easily.  When he hit the floor I crushed his ribs. He was a fucking mess. I looked around and saw the cops coming in, so I stepped into the fray, made my way to the back, stole a hot looking coffee on a table, and hit the streets unnoticed by the cops.

I sucked the coffee down and knew my heart rate wouldn't go down for a while.

Her name was Sarah, and I saw her from afar off. I looked up at the sky and got depressed. I made my way through the maze of gray and colorful souls quickly until I reached her, "Sarah!"

She turned around, "Hey Danny!"

"Hey what are you up to?"

"Oh! Nothing!"

"Well fuck. Wanna go to a movie?"

"This early?"

"No. Yes. Yes this early."

She pulled out a little mirror. She clicked it open and looked at herself, "Gosh, I don't know how I look today."

"Can I see that?" I grabbed the mirror and looked into myself and looked at myself, "Ya. Hey I'll see ya later."

"OK. Bye Danny."

I briskly whisked off to watch my movie. As I walked passed an alleyway, I heard a strange sound—strange music. I walked backwards, until I was in front of the alleyway. I walked into the alley. I found the door where the music was coming from. I opened it. A warm light emanated from a warm room. I walked in. There were about thirty people dancing to the strange music coming from an old record player with excellent speakers. I took my jacket off, hung it up somewhere, loosened up, and began to dance, eyes closed.

Someone sweet smelling came up behind me and ran their hands through my fucking crazy hair. I danced. The person laid their head on my back shoulders and just straight hugged me from behind as we swayed.

Oh we just fucking swayed to the fucking music, and we must have had been there for years for all we knew. I grabbed her girl hands and spun her around millions of times and then we swayed to the music as we faced each other.

I whisked her away and around, and she let me whisk her around and away.

We went outside, "Come to my place," she grabbed my hand and off we went. We arrived. She threw her fucking shoes around, and I did the same, and then she threw herself onto her cool bed. I climbed and climbed until I was next to her. It was a great, grand studio.

We were both quite falling asleep, but before I totally fell asleep I peaked out the great windows at the moon. And the moon winked at me with a menacingly happy and peaceful countenance.

Ah you weird fucking moon, I was slipping away. And I fell asleep right fucking there next to a stranger woman with sweet breath.