Lost Virginity At The 2011 MTV VMAs

Had a crazy fun experience at the VMAs this last Sunday!  Thanks to the Young the Giant dudes for getting me in!  I'll never forget it...

We had to be at the Nokia Theatre by 11am.  So, I got there at 10am to scope out the terrain in case I needed to sneak in, or sneak other people in, or in case there was a terrorist attack and that way I'd be familiar with strategic points of interest to either help those in danger, get out, or kill the terrorists.  The security was pretty fucking tight, but not impenetrable.

The rest of Young the Giant's guests all showed up and we all got our passes and shit and got escorted in.  We were going to enjoy the whole show and then get to be on stage for Young the Giant's performance.  I saw the Young dudes walking around and said what's up and congratulated them and thanked them again.

Since we were there so early we were allowed to watch the whole rehearsal of the show, which is pretty much like watching the show live, but without three thousand people there (they even do the commercial breaks).  We were all led onto the stage to watch the rehearsal, and as we were walking in through the backstage area I noticed little island bars all over the place.  Our host stopped us and told us that if we wanted to we could get a complimentary shot of Patron Tequila and a Stella Artois beer and that they preferred if we did to loosen up, so I went to the nearest bar and obliged.  Then, I went to a different island bar and obliged again.

After walking past a very haggard and tired looking Britney Spears we were given seats and the show was fucking sweet!  There was only 300 of us hanging out on stage and on the floor if we wanted!  All the artists had to perform as if the place was packed for filming and editing purposes and we were all yelling at them.  I had no clue it was Lady Gaga when she came out looking like a greaser dude.  Kanye West and Jay Z were awesome.  Bruno Mars was awesome.  The whole thing was sweet.

There was a cute girl sitting next to me that looked like she was 15, but since you had to be 18 to get in I figured she was 18 and since I was feeling good I asked her to dance and then everyone started dancing.  Next thing you know I was making out with her while Adele sang for us.

After rehearsal we walked backstage and The Killers were hanging out at a bar so I took a picture with them. We were then told to wait in backstage rooms for the show to start.  I wandered around outside near the tour buses and trailers and I caught a glimpse of the biggest ass I had ever seen!  Nicki Minaj!  A gravitational force attracted me towards her and I obliged the compelling and beautiful force.  It was an obliging night!  She was walking toward a trailer so I quickened my pace to hopefully catch up and ask her if I could grab that ass.  I was about ten feet away from her when I was blindsided by a big motherfucker putting his arm in front of me and making me crash it and then he was pushing me back.  I instinctively pushed him hard and said "Hey fuck you man!"  I looked over and Minaj was gone.

The security guard said, "Hey you little fucker you can't talk to her without permission."

To which I replied, "Fuck you dickhead."  I turned around, but it was too late.  The fucker pushed me behind the trailer and out some fucking fence and said, "You're out of here!  Don't come back!"  I was outside the fence that surrounded the whole event, I yelled "Fat Punk Bitch!"  Since I had already scoped out the territory I easily sneaked back in.

Again wandering around backstage, I had some drinks with Brandon Flowers and I asked him HOW The Killers wrote "Human" and "When You Were Young" and told him that I loved those songs.  He said "Human" was partly inspired by Hunter S. Thompson which is pretty cool.  I still didn't know HOW they wrote those songs so I just kept asking him and he just kept laughing.  Then I was talking to Kanye and having drinks.  He was telling me about his tour in Australia with U2 and the parties they had when someone bumped me from behind, making me spill my whole margarita on myself.  Kanye was laughing at me super hard when I turned around to see who fucked me--it was Nicki Minaj!  She was all like, "Oh honey I'm so sorry about that!  Oh you're all wet!"  And I was just staring at her.

Then she told me I was about the same size as one of the dancers dancing that night and that we'd ask him for a shirt and I said "Sure!"  She grabbed my hand and took me to the trailers and then led me into one of them.  I couldn't believe this was happening!  I sat down on one of the couches and she went to the back room and she told me to take my shirt off.  As you already know, I was at this point a virgin and planning on being one my whole life to get into heaven super pure and so Jesus would be extra happy with me and give me a bigger mansion than everyone else in heaven.  Nicki Minaj came back into the living room wearing the tiniest lingerie possible that was trying to not be on her body and then she sat on my lap facing me and kissed me and said "Is this okay?  I thought I could give you a good time to make up for embarrassing you in front of Kanye and getting you all wet."  I stuttered, "but, but, I'm not tall or dark, and I don't sell coke."  And then she said, "but you're pretty cute and I said 'MIGHT sell coke' so you don't have to."  Then we made out a bunch while we both got naked all the way except for her high heels and then we went to the room and had insane, uninhibited, weird, amazing, great sex.

Now, since I AM a gentleman I won't go into the details--she went down on me in a mighty, elaborate, and passionate way and I got her on her back and slowly (SLOWLY) worked my way down her body from her breasts in the air to her pot of gold and she tasted like a bouquet of flowers smells, then we went sixty-nine (69) for a while with my hands on that ass, but with that ass, doggy style was the best... ya, I had sex with Nicki Minaj and she took my virginity!  After sex we agreed to make a sex-tape sometime in the future.

I ran around the rest of the night at the VMAs pulling pranks with Katy Perry and her husband.  Then they invited me to this crazy after party where we all got drunk and hung out with the Jersey Shore folks and Nicki Minaj was there so we had sex again in the bathroom, but that time I didn't lose my virginity.  We danced all night and got into a couple of fights.

At the end of the night I found myself on the windy rooftop of the hotel Nicki was staying at overlooking all of Hollywood.  It was just Christian Bale and me swapping old war stories and talking shit while we drank some beers.  He kept spitting over the side of the building and saying, "Man, all we are is dust in the wind" in his cool British accent.  It was great.

Finally, I returned to Nicki's room and I fell asleep with her after having more sex and I left her a love letter in the morning, but as I was leaving she caught me and gave me the sweetest goodbye kiss, and told me "You're the best lover I've ever had and will ever have," and we agreed to see each other again.

A Girl Dressed Up, A Secretly Beautiful Girl

You know how sometimes you're walking around at the mall, or at church, or at the horse races, or downtown, or at a show, or at a fancy restaurant, or at a ballgame, or at a Mormon dance and you see some dude with a girl that looks hot as fuck?  I mean, she just catches your eye because she's all dressed up all hot, with high heels and shit and her hair looks the bomb and she's got style and she's just making everything stick out in the right places in the right way!

Don't look too close though 'cause you know she's probably not that hot... she just knows how to work it and everybody, everywhere thinks that that guy has like the hottest chick.

Nobody notices the dude with the beautiful girl that is very modest and unassuming.  But, for sure, that girl is WAY more beautiful than the done-up one.  Yea, yea, there's also the hot girl that gets done-up too, but I'm leaving her out of this.

What I'm getting at: which girl would you rather have?  If you choose the flashy one, everyone thinks you're this stud dude and then you take her home (or in my case to my car) and you're all pumped up because she be wearing practically nothing and y'all start getting down.  Sure, you wake up in the morning and look at her and you're like "ehh, whatev."  And you SO know that she is not that hot.

If you choose the secretly beautiful one, then you're a nobody in public (as far as having a bomb looking girl next to you), but you get to feel good about yourself for finding a secretly beautiful girl and, hell, no matter if she wears makeup or not, you're aroused as fuck about her--morning, afternoon, and night.  But, nobody knows.

We have some sort of fucked up thing about us as humans where we want everyone to know when we have something special.  We want attention.  We want status.  It's like, "Yo!  That's right bitches!  I'm at the Grammys with Kim Kardashian and she's my girlfriend, so fuck you!"  EVERYONE is guilty of this.  Not all the time of course.  Human nature I guess.

People should obviously choose mates for sincere reasons regardless of what people think because people should not be vain.  All the glory belongs to GOD ALMIGHTY--the dude with the scepter on the other side of the universe.  Like my friend likes to say, "We be fucked homie!  We be real fucked up!"  I don't really have a friend that says that.

Personally, I would choose both girls.  I would take the "flashy" one out in public, fuck her in the car and then come home to the real beautiful one.  And then when the real beautiful one wants to "do it" I'd say, "Oh, for sure, but hold on I just wanted to watch something I recorded earlier... it'll only be like 30 minutes," and she'd be like, "Ok dear, that's fine.  I feel fine.  Everything in the world is fine.  Fine fine fine."  And then we'd make love thirty minutes later when I was ready again.  And then on crazy nights we'd have a manege á trois like Katy Perry does all the time on Friday nights.

Disclaimer: I'm not talking about being in love with someone.  Just talking shit.

Different Drugs For Different Thugs

Drugs are fucking crazy!  This whole existence is crazy!  We're being flung around like motherfuckers around the sun right now!  A gigantic fucking rock circling precariously around a star, and here we are listening to Bruno Mars as if nothing crazy is happening.  Something crazy IS happening!  Woooooo!  Put your hands in the air!

Music is crazy like drugs too how it affects even mindless kids!  This video is the shit.

Someone once asked me what getting buzzed off of alcohol feels like.  I said that it just makes you feel good and happy.  How can taking something physical make you "happy?"  Weird.  Drink like four beers all fast and you're on top of the world!  You walk into a bar all sober and shit and you don't wanna make friends with anyone... five beers later, you're best friends with a weird thug dude with tattoos on his head making plans to rob banks!  Plus, you're not scared of walking home in the dark in some scary neighborhood.  Everything is fine.  If you're sad because of something that happened to you recently and you want to feel even more sorry for yourself... have a drink!  Pity parties are the best kinds of parties!

I heard heroin is like heaven.  Yup, you can take a trip to heaven here on Earth whenever you please.  Just don't get caught or overdose or addicted... plus there's probably other shitty side-affects I don't know about.

Do cocaine and you don't want to stop talking and everything is cool and a good idea.

Smoke weed and you feel all nice and drowsy and you get "cool" ideas for movies, books, poems, stories, adventures, poems, music, books, jamming, food, inventions, traveling, philosophy, religion, government policies, food, blogs... no bad days!

Smoke peyote or eat mushrooms or drop acid and you get to see things that aren't really there!  Awesome!  That is straight up gnarly.  We're these creatures that have a sort of intelligence.  We walk around this rock we call Earth and find some cool shit and then eat it and presto!  Like magic we start seeing all sorts of shit that doesn't exist!  What!?  This existence is so cool!

Do meth or crack and... well I have yet to find out the coolness about these drugs.

Take some painkillers... feel no pain!  Feel the bomb.  Sleep the bomb.  Have weird cool dreams.  Wait? Are you serious?  Someone just yanked a fuckin tooth out of your mouth or broke your leg or back and you just have to blast some hardcore painkillers or tranquilizers and you're straight?  Amazing!  Unreal!  What, are we living in some fantasy land or something?  You would think so!

Scared?  Depressed?  Fear of everything?  SCARED!?!?  NO PROBLEM!  Pop some Xanax and you'll be straight as a homophobe!  Wait... well you know what I mean.  That's right.  You're walking down a sketchy ass alley and you're scared as hell for your life.  Take two mg of Xanax and drink two beers and guess what?  You love that alley and HOPE there's some sketchy fools for you to meet!  If they're mean you'll just beat them up or make friends out of them by making them laugh!  No worries bro!  No bad days!

Finally, do ecstasy and you vibrate with positive feelings and every physical touch is like an orgasm!  It's no wonder people take this shit at big music festivals.  You get there and sick ass music is blasting and everybody is excited for a sick ass day of sick ass tunes.  You're pumped up with all your friends ready to rock out!  Then you take the "E" pill and dive into the gigantic crowd to lose your mind and everybody is touching everybody and you have the feeling you're boning everyone in the crowd!  And this is happening because you swallowed a mixture of elements that some "scientists" put together from the earth.  Simple ass biped walking around like a monkey taking "E" pills and feeling fine.  Simply amazing.

None of this even makes sense.  It's like a dream where you find a billion dollars and get to bone Mariah Carey (Mariah from the 1990s) but you don't have to wake up and have it all taken away from you.  How can such things even be possible?  Proof of God's existence I say.

You blast some drugs... you fly straight to heaven (especially if you're boning).  The drug wears down as fuck... you are transported to hell: cold sweats ("fuck it's too hot! fuck it's so cold!  fuck it's too hot!  fuck it's so cold!"), you get seizures, you hallucinate (in a bad way), you can't sleep, you can't eat, you feel sick, you puke, you shit, you can't piss, you twitch, you freak out your mom, you freak out your dad, God's all bummed out on you (maybe He thinks it's funny?), Jesus is crying, you lose your mind, you try to kill yourself, you don't feel normal any more, you think you walk weird, you're all fat, you're all skinny, you don't have any money, you're in jail, you have a bunch of disturbing memories from when you were fucked up (or not?), you boned a dude, you boned a girl, you dropped out of school, you shook hands with the devil.

I'm not being sarcastic.  Drugs are unreal and I think they should be legalized for the most part.  Quite simply, drugs are unreal--I reiterate to convey the weight of the statement.  Unreal!  Amazing how you can affect the mind and body so easily.  I would easily expect such things to be impossible in the real world; yet, here we are in the real world and it IS possible.  I would think in the real world you'd tell someone "Hey I have a pill that makes you happy.  It straight up makes you feel good no matter what the fuck you're doing or feeling," and they would answer, "Ya right ya right.  I don't believe you."  And in that real world it wouldn't be true because it just sounds insane.  But here we are in the real real world fucking around and feeling fine.  Proof that God exists I say.

"God made beer because He loves us and wants us to be happy."  Benjamin Franklin?

Obviously you can die from all these things (except smoking weed--and I am proof that you can't smoke so much that you will die) so you gotta be careful.

I just want to reiterate: drugs are amazing!  This whole existence is crazy and amazing!  Reality and cognition and consciousness are crazy and amazing!  God and the universe are fucking amazing!  All this shit that is going down is the most unreal thing that could have EVER happened and yet... it is the most real thing that is ACTUALLY happening.  Thanks mom and dad for hooking it up with existence.

If you are grateful for existing and for the chance to do drugs and go to heaven or whatever then I think that you should show your gratefulness.  Everybody should go around boning as many people as possible to try and have as many babies as possible to hook them up with existence too.  Don't be all stingy and gay with your amazing life creating/giving powers!  Whether they live a shitty life or not at least they get to be a part of this unreal yet real thing we call life and in the end get to go to heaven when they die.  LIFE LIFE LIFE LIFE!  AHHHHHHH!  Put your hands in the air as we are being flung around like motherfuckers on this rock around a star in a unbelievably vast and mind boggling universe.

Mexican Blanket

A friend mentioned a Mexican Blanket.  I wrote this and like it for a song.  I like the whole Mexican Blanket idea.

Mexican Blanket


I was walking in the desert
Of California
I was so lonely
Take me, make me

Bring me slumber
My nightmares conquer
Mexican Blanket: my best friend
I'm dreamin' 'bout her
Slumber wolves
Howl
At the moon
I love you

I was walking past a cactus
Owl over the moon hoot hoot
You can tell me your fuckin' stories
I will listen, I will cry

Moon above, sand below
Stars above, Sandman take me home

Keep this bottle close
When I sleep

What Would Christian Bale Do? All That We Know Is Madness And We Don't Even Know It!

I have anxiety.  I'm not talking about just having worries or nervousness.  I'd be the guy sitting next to you in the subway twitching and coughing and shit; generally creeping you out.  I don't have it as bad as some, and I have it worse than others.  I have a theory as to how and why I have it: a combination of getting WAY too high one time and then thinking I couldn't breathe a different time.  Maybe that means I have post traumatic stress disorder.  Who knows.  I've dealt with this bullshit for a while now so I've learned to manage it somewhat, so now it's more of an internal shitty-ness that does not manifest itself much physically and/or outwardly.

Because I have this anxiety problem I am prone to thinking about shitty-ness all fucking day and night.  I fucking bathe and soak in shitty thoughts--I marinate in that shit.  If I have an itch I freak out.  If my arm falls asleep I freak out.  If my leg falls asleep I really freak out.  Right before I fall asleep I freak out.  When I'm tired in the middle of the day I wonder why, and resign myself to thinking that it is probably because I am sick and don't know it.  Hypochondriac status, right?

Music and movies soothe my soul though.  They're amazing and I'm thankful for that shit.

Pre-anxiety life, I was a happy-go-lucky-don't-give-a-fuck-about-anything-drive-120mph-whenever-I-can kind of guy.  I thought about deep shit like the meaning of life and death, but my attitude towards shit like that was akin to my attitude towards unicorns: that'd be cool if they existed and if they did I'd ride one and it'd be fun.

Then I freaked out.  First I was paralyzed and made constant hospital trips.  The damn doctors kept telling me there was absolutely nothing wrong with me other than that I had anxiety.

"What's anxiety, doctor?"

"Oh, well that's when you feel anxiety and fear for no reason."

Fuck those guys.  How could I feel like this and have absolutely nothing wrong with me?  I was sure I had AIDS or Cancer or SOMETHING!  And no, I didn't think I had AIDS because I've had sex with like a million exotic and non-exotic supermodels.  So, they tried to give me anti-depressants.

"So..." Doctor looking at my file, "I think you should try some anti-depressants because some corporation is paying me to recommend them.  Do you ever think about suicide?"

"Uh... no.  That's why I'm here doc...  because I DON'T want to die.  No thanks.  I'm not depressed.  I'm just scared.  Thanks anyway."

So I went home.  Sad, scared, bummed out, and hopeless.  Drinking was only putting off the problem and making it worse so that didn't help.  Thanks for ruining drinking for me Anxiety.  There was no road out for me but through the thick, haunted forest of anxiety.  Either I'd walk through the forest and wrestle with my demons and die or come out victorious at the other end, or I'd be a scared little pussy my whole life.

I read a story somewhere about Christian Bale and what he would do as a young child.  Apparently, he lived near a forest and at night he would walk into the forest with his eyes closed hoping to get lost and focusing on strange and scary noises in order to scare himself.  He was immersing himself in fear in order to experience it, understand it, and perhaps conquer it.  He would gain wisdom from his experience.  You have to search out the fear and you have to enjoy the fear.  Become it and by doing so conquer it... like when Neo succumbs to what he cannot control and ends up becoming ultimately in control of it.

So, I thought to myself, "What Would Christian Bale Do?"  I decided to walk into the forest and enjoy the motherfucking ride!  I would conquer Fear and so Fear would have no dominion over me!  I walked into the darkness to gain my own wisdom and the only light shining was my hope--which was probably the same hope Jesus clung to for better things to come after the cross.

Once I got lost in the forest, not unlike Alice when that damn dog with a brush on his face brushed away the path, I found a comfortable stump to sit on and I couldn't help but think about shitty things.  I found that I now cried easily watching sad or happy parts in movies because of empathy.  Shit, now I cry for anything!  I kept thinking about how shitty my circumstances were.  I dwelt and dwelt on myself, trying to figure out what this was all about.  How can my life be so terrible?  And I counted the ways how my life was worse than everybody else's.  But, trying not to lose sight of being logical and falling forever into self-pity, I fought off those ideas of pseudo martyrdom and self-aggrandizement.  There are others with shittier lives than me!

Does a fucked up bum that lives in Chicago in the winter that is going through heroin withdrawals and was beaten his whole life have a worse life than a twelve year old African girl who has AIDS, has been raped repeatedly and whose parents just died and left her to take care of her starving siblings where there is no food?  How does the insane patient that is locked up in a windowless room in the most poverty stricken part of Russia and that loses his mind every second of every day and has nightmares when he "sleeps" rank?  Surely, my dumb-ass has a worse life!  In all seriousness, though, there are many terrible lives being lived out there.

This shit is worth thinking about--maybe it's the most important shit to think about.

We are all as good as dead.  Our kids are all as good as dead.  EVERYTHING is done for.  Everything is fucked.  The odd thing is that this news is not bad news!  This is the good news!

You have to accept the incredibly and completely dire situation we are all in so that you can truly and fully know happiness.  We are all going to die.  Now that you know that we are all fucked (in this life on Earth) you can live life freely and uninhibited!  No popularity actually matters!  We're all as good as dead.  The physical is nothing compared to your eternal soul and spirit!  Let your soul rejoice.  You are no slave.  You are no slave to ignorance!  The absolute worst thing that can happen to you on Earth is that someone can torture you and your family in front of you while keeping you alive for 100 or so years.  Or perhaps the worst thing that can ever happen to you is that you follow all the rules that you're "supposed" to follow because "society" dictates that you should and you end up living a stressed out, meaningless, shitty life that is wasted.  Or maybe the worse that could happen would be getting raped every day of your life.  But...

Torture, despair, illness, shitty-ness and all evil things will always be finite and thus always powerless over you and your eternal soul.  Goodness is forever.  So 100 or so years of shit is nothing compared to an eternity of bad-ass-ness when all bad things come to an end and Jesus comes to Earth from the heavens riding some bad ass white stallion or whatever.

Knowing how terrible life is here on Earth, we should be completely amazed, electrified, and delighted when even the smallest joy or blessing comes our way or our neighbors' (everyone in the world) way.  That is why to know the terrible truth is good news--because it gives us perspective, and knowledge!  How amazing it is to be in the group of people that have ever experienced pleasure or joy when terrible calamities are ever present at our doorsteps and unfathomably worse, petrifying, monstrous, disturbing, horrifying, nightmarish, dreadful, disquieting, traumatic, hellish lives could have been our own.  Knowing the terrible truth also let's us know that we don't have much to lose here on Earth because everything is already lost and fucked, so, we get to live every day like it's our last because it very well could be and because 100 years might as well be one day when compared to a million!  If everything is fucked then there is no need to worry about it any more.  There is nothing we can do about it.  We can now fully enjoy life because we have this knowledge.  It's like a game you cannot win.  If you already know you are going to lose whatever game you are playing, but must play it anyway, then you might as well enjoy it right?  Because to do otherwise would be absurd.  You are stuck in a shitty situation from which you cannot escape so why fret and worry and stress yourself about it?  There is nothing you can do about it.  It is all completely out of your control.  You might as well embrace it and enjoy it instead of making it worse!  If you fight it you will only be confused and miserable.  Follow the rabbit down the hole and you will find and have to accept the terrible, terrifying truth.

You have to enjoy the fear.  It will always be there.  Make it your friend.  When you accept that it will always be there you can begin to learn to use it, control it, make it your bitch.  Make the best of it.  It will always be there though... sometimes it will get out of hand, but you'll learn to live with it.

Accepting and understanding your plight (as terrible as it might be) frees you of the chains of despair because you know they are finite.  Your physical body will eventually die.  The suffering will end when you die and true happiness and joy will be forever.  Thus, your soul can be happy while you are being raped by evil and the grim reaper at the same time.  But rejoice that no one can fuck your soul!  Your soul is unaffected and beautiful!  And beauty is no subject of the physical that can be tyrannous.

We are all experiencing Life and Life is good, but it has been tainted by Death and Sin.  Considering there are people out there who live the terrible lives I described earlier, we should know that if we have ever experienced Joy then we have had more than our share of Joy.  And since we have had more than our share of Joy it is our duty to fight to the death to stop the plight of those that actually have the worst lives. The worst that can happen is that you die, but hell, at least you got to taste the sweet nectar of Joy and there is more Joy to come after death.

Enjoy the fear.  Experience the fear, anxiety, and panic.  Understand it.  Meditate on it.  Contemplate it.  Behold it for the strange thing that it is.  Enjoy the experience of it instead of letting it beat the shit out of you.  It's exciting!  Let it wash over you and then have it push you up.  Rising above it.

Our neighbors are all being tortured to death and raped and we don't give a fuck.  No matter what depravity though, Hope is in reach in ANY circumstance.  It will ALWAYS be there for you to have.  Hope was given to us as a gift on the cross.  No evil can blemish your soul because Jesus, the perfect, unblemished, pure sacrificial lamb of God and true martyr has made it as white as snow and taken away the sins of the world.  As long as you have Hope you'll be alright because our Hopes lie in things to come and not in this shitty fucked up life.

That's right bitches.  I got all Jesus on your asses.

If life sucks for my homie, then life sucks for me and I'm gonna try and make it better for him/her.  That's pretty much what Jesus said and that's what I say.

I must say, though, all of this MADNESS and SICKNESS is STAGGERING.  It makes me sad, scared, and bummed out, but I will hold on to my Hope--just hold on to Hope for dear Life.  Fear not brothers and sisters, take heart and have courage for we will all get better, and, in the end, we will be fucking perfect.  This I promise.

I'll finish with a George Harrison quote: "Everything else can wait, but the search for God cannot wait; and love one another."

Buncha Ass Movies!

I have watched a shitload of movies recently--almost every bigger movie that has come out this summer.  Ahhhh yes, one of the many perks of living at home with your parents: free movie tickets every weekend!  No.  Don't judge me for living at home at 29 years of age even though you are aching to.  I have moved out before and just talking about moving out makes my parents sad as fuck... I don't want to make my parents sad as fuck!  They been real nice to me you know?  So... uh... yea... that's why I haven't moved out of my parents house ;)  Love you mom!

Anyway, I want to talk about these fuckin' movies man!

SUPER 8 - Was an awesome wannabe Steven Spielberg movie by JJ Abrams (it was produced by Spielberg).  What we have here is someone that watched Jaws one billion times and then tried to make the same movie with a different story and script.  Job well done!  I have never had a problem with artists ripping off other artists in tasteful and respectful ways (as is evident in Long Live Logos music).  The main little girl Elle Fanning is gonna be hot as fuck when she grows up.  She is not hot as fuck yet because she is only thirteen.  It would be bad and wrong to say she is hot as fuck right now.  But, I'm talking about the future when she is at least eighteen.  If she was eighteen right now, she'd be hot as fuck right now.  I doubt she will grow up to be fat and ugly.  JJ Abrams is responsible for such great things as TV show LOST, and the new Star Trek joint.  Coming up for him is the next installment of Mission Impossible starring Tom Cruise.

THE TREE OF LIFE - Hey Terrence Malick, thanks for making this movie a limited as fuck release.  THANKS A LOT!  Brad Pitt stars in this epic flick by epic director Terrence Malick.  Haven't seen this shit, but I can't wait to see it.  He is responsible for Thin Red Line and a new untitled Christian Bale movie that is in the works.

THE HANGOVER PART II - This movie was predictable and shit, but it was still funny and shit.  Slow moving here and there.  Not as good as the first one.  Still a good movie.

X-MEN: FIRST CLASS  -  This movie was pretty awesome.  Kind of in the vein of all the newer darker more realistic superhero movies, but with a brighter feel to it.  If Christian Bale was in this movie it would have been way better.  This is the Batman Begins of X-Men movies.  I really liked the dynamic that was achieved between Magneto and Xavier.  Magneto was like a James Dean character and Xavier was a sick leader and they were friends and worked together, but were separated by differing ideologies.  So sad. Chill out, it's just a movie.

WINNIE THE POOH - I wanna watch this movie.  I wanna see the old gang again.  I used to watch this shit with my brothers and cousins when we were little and we'd all pick a character to be.  My brother Ismael was Piglet.   My brother Sam was Christopher Robin.  My brother George was Tigger obviously.  My cousin Johnny was Eeyore.  Cousin Dave was Roo, and cousin Anthony was obviously Rabbit.  And me you ask?  I was Winnie-the-Pooh.  But, most importantly, I ask you, do you give a fuck? No you don't.  Winnie-the-Pooh and Piglet are best friends.  Just like Ismael and me in real life.  Cool!

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN - Whatever.  It was aight.  Hot mermaids.  Don't wanna talk shit on Johnny Depp's movie because he is cool.  It was aight.

BRIDESMAIDS - I was just in a wedding yesterday, but do you give a fuck?  No.  This movie was straight up awesome and I watched it twice.  It's just Kristen Whig being goofy as fuck with her friends and the story line works and is executed well.  Funny funny movie!  Endearing endearing movie.  Kristen Whig is hot in the same way that Tina Fey is hot.  I don't know how it is so, but it is so.  Those women are hot.  Watch this shit ok?

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS - This movie is the sequel to/twin of No Strings Attached starring Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman.  No, I do not know who is hotter Ashton Kutcher or Justin Timberlake, but I am leaning towards Timberlake.  Ashton is a bit too goofy and shit sometimes, but has an attractive face.  Justin's a little cooler though I think.  No, I am not gay.  Natalie Portman is hotter than Mila Kunis in the end even though Nat has an ugly smile; the ugliness of the smile is endearing and adorable though!  It makes me so sad when I see her smile and then I pity her and that just makes me want to hug her forever and tell her that everything will be ok.  "Natalie?  Natalie, listen to me.  Look at me babe.  Everything is going to be ok.  I love you."  I still want to bone Mila Kunis.  Friends With Benefits suffers from a couple of super cheesy parts and at times trying too hard to be funny in a vulgar way á la Judd Apatow comedies but completely fails.  Most of the time, though, this movie is swell and funny.  This is not a shitty movie.

MIDNIGHT IN PARIS - This movie is simply the shit.  This movie is fucking great.  Woody Allen is brilliant.  He does not star in his movie in this case, but Owen Wilson takes over perfectly for him!  Owen plays a writer and travels through time and meets badasses such as Hemingway and Fitzgerald.  I do not want to say much about this other than you must watch it.  Rachel McAdams is hotter than Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis combined (weren't they literally combined in Black Swan?).

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON - This movie was pretty good.  There was an unreleased brand new U2 song called North Star in the movie that made it a little cooler.  The new Transformers chick Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is super hot.  Shia LaBeouf is a bad ass actor--very quirky and fast talking.  Very cool guy.  He is not as good as Christian Bale though.

HORRIBLE BOSSES - Really missed the mark for me.  I absolutely love a lot of raunchy fucked up comedies like Superbad, 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, Bridesmaids, The Hangover I & II, Pineapple Express, Stepbrothers, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, The Other Guys, Eastbound and Down.  This movie, for me, really did not do much for me.  I love Charlie Day from Always Sunny..., but the actors in this movie were not the problem.  It was the directing and the script that fucked it up.  Jennifer Aniston is so hot in this movie.  Bomb ass girl.

GLEE: THE MOVIE - I WILL NEVER WATCH THIS MOVIE.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER - A solid movie.  Scrawny kid is turned into a tall ass buff ass dude that is a good guy.  Leads around normal dudes that are warriors and kicks some ass.  Good addition to The Avengers storyline, tying in a lot of shit that will go down in The Avengers movie and ties in the other characters.  Entertaining movie.

COWBOYS AND ALIENS - This was a great movie, but I think it would have been an even better movie if it had a better title.  The title kind of makes you think the movie will be hokey, when in reality it is a serious western, action movie with a good script and story.  Sure, we're all thinking "how the fuck would cowboys beat aliens?"  Don't worry about it so much!  Jon Favreau is a great director (Iron Man, Swingers, Made).  The actors in this movie are as top notch as they come and the whole thing is just fun and crazy.

HARRY POTTER - I have never seen or read any Harry Potter.  I have decided to watch all of the movies and have also decided that I will like all of them.

30 MINUTES OR LESS - Was half cool and funny, and half whatever.  I love Jesse Eisenberg, Aziz Ansari, Danny McBride, and Nick Swardson.  So, hell, I would recommend this movie for the cast alone.  Cool ending.

CONAN THE BARBARIAN - Lots of action.

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES - James Franco is cool and Frieda Pinto is the hottest Indian girl I have ever seen.  So hot.  I love her.  I love her so much.  This movie was so good.  It's just fucking rad in general.  There was a part I especially loved, when the first smart ape is in ape prison surrounded by normal ass apes and then he looks up at an orangutan and, unexpectedly, the orangutan shoots some sign language at him!  He's not smart smart yet, but he knows sign language and the first smart ape communicates with him.  Must watch.

THE HELP -  A movie about the hardships of southern black women in the 1960s, but really it's about a white woman and how great she is for wanting to help black women.  Someone turned a story about the plight of black women into a story about how great a white girl was for trying to help the help.  I'm being cynical.  The movie was pretty sweet.  I shed a tear here and there.  Good acting and there is just something about that Emma Stone bitch huh?  It's like she's not that hot, but she's hot or cute or some shit.  She's just so appealing.  She's not pretentious and seems very down to earth.  Blah blah blah she's probably a dumb bitch.  Just kidding.  I like her, but don't tell anyone.  I'll tell you who's hot as fuck hands down no doubt about it though!  The antagonist in this movie Bryce Dallas motherfucking Howard.  Sheesh, what a babe.  She plays a racist bitch, and does a great job at it (probably because she probably got acting tips from Christian Bale when she played his girl in Terminator Salvation).  She is hot hot hot.  I would marry her if she would have me.  I love you Bryce.  She was also in Lady in the Water and in Terminator Salvation with Christian Bale.

CRAZY, STUPID, LOVE. - I loved this movie.  It seems to be long as fuck, but that was ok because it was just rad.  This movie stars Steve Carrel, Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone, and Julianne Moore and the script just rules and I am inclined to believe that Steve Carrel was given liberty to fabricate his own lines often which are always great.  He plays a familiar role he is good at á la 40 Year Old Virgin, and Emma Stone plays her cute adorable character that I am inclined to believe is the way she really is in real life.  There is a cool/funny twist toward the end of the movie that keeps the movie flowing.  There is a hilarious segment where all the characters in the movie accidentally meet.  I love how all the main characters are somehow connected though none of them know it.  I really really liked this movie and especially because it did not exude pretentiousness and it didn't feel like it had anything to prove.  It felt natural and fine.  Gosling's character is bad ass.  Good good movie.  You must watch it.  You'll like it.  This movie makes life a little less terrible than it really is.  It makes life a little more beautiful.

Watching some movies is fun and a lot of times they help elicit emotions out of you that can help you deal with life; at times, movies can be very important in your life.  I am reminded of a story a friend once told me about himself.  His mother, whom he was very close with, passed away around the time the movie Big Fish was a new joint.  He told me he was detached from emotion when his mother passed away--he didn't cry and maybe just didn't know how to process what had happened or maybe didn't know what or how to feel.  He loved his mother and he missed his mother.  Some time passed and he ended up going to see Big Fish with his girlfriend.  At the end of the Tim Burton directed film he broke down and cried uncontrollably, mourning his mother for a while after the movie ended, sitting through the credits in an empty theatre with his girlfriend until the lights came on.  That movie gave my friend a priceless gift--perhaps a beautiful release--and, forever, he will love that movie and it will always bring him closer to his mother--bring her back to him until he himself passes away into the next life to join her in heaven.  The movie freed my friend's emotions and, like rivers, they flowed to soothe his soul, to ease his mind, to mend his heart.  Big Fish turned out to be very important to my friend.

Movies can make you laugh.  Laughter is such a beautiful and important thing.  Gut busting, painful, uncontrollable laughter is good for the soul.

Movies can make you feel a certain way that can influence you to make decisions for good or to put things in perspective and also make you think about life.  Sometimes movies motivate you to think about things you wouldn't generally think about.  I might just be making excuses here so I won't feel so bad about watching so many movies, but I do not think so.  Art has impacted human nature since the beginning of human nature.  A final note, I think I might be smitten with Emma Stone.  No.  Scratch that.  I AM smitten with that bitch!

You're Sorry? I'm Sorry! Fuck me? Fuck you!

I was out running at my school's (Cal State University San Marcos) track... you know just running my daily 5k on that adobe colored tartan track.  Round and round I go.  The girls' soccer team was practicing on the field and, as I was probably jamming out to Nicki Minaj's "Super Bass" or Katie Perry's "Last Friday Night" or Fitz and the Tantrums' whole album "Pickin' Up the Pieces," or Coldplay's "Every Tear Drop Is A Waterfall," I totally spaced out--in the running zone.  All of a sudden a cute little girl is running in front me chasing a ball.  I didn't notice her until last minute, being in my trance, and I almost ran her over and I heard her over my music saying, "Oh, I'm sorry--sorry!" as I got the fuck out of the way before running her down and said "You're sorry?  I'm sorry!"

Then I was out driving on the freeway going ten miles an hour OVER the fucking speed limit and this asshole behind me won't quit riding my ass trying to run ME over.  Finally, he gets a chance to pass me on my left and I look over to look at the fucker and he drives by giving me the middle finger and saying "Fuck you!"  Fuck me?  Fuck you!

The moral of the story?  Some people are overly nice and some people are fucking dickheads.

You'll Get There, Old Chap! And So Will I!

Sweet little writing by Ira Glass... sent to me by Sir Daniel Magos.

Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.

— Ira Glass 

Hot Girls

Come and get them!  Hot girls every where!  And what did I learn in my sexual psychology class?  That guys are more interested in looks than girls are when it comes to the other sex.  And that girls are far more concerned with status, money, and power than guys are when it comes to the other sex.  Real classy ladies--all you girls give a fuck about is money, power, and fame just like P.O.D. said!  Y'all are shallow as fuck! You know how hard it is to get status, money, and power?  I have yet to achieve any of those!

And all along everyone was talking shit about how guys are shallow for only giving a fuck about girls' looks.  At least we are appreciating beauty and art.  Hell, we're connoisseurs of beauty!  Show a girl some green and off they go with some fat ugly dude.

Of course this is all in general.

So, in general, all guys are hoping to get a select few hot chicks and those hot chicks only want Bill Gates and the Facebook guy's dicks.  It's no wonder there's so many ugly people.

By hot chicks I mean those bad ass girls that don't need makeup to look good.

Pray For Somalia!

Some girl told me she's been praying for me. I feel all tingly so I think it's working! But that could be attributed to the fact that there's a new Breaking Bad episode tonight! Woo! Anyway, she called me an idiot too, so maybe she's praying for me to not be so idiotic? Or maybe I said "fuck" and "dick" too many times in my life? I repent! But at least I haven't said cunt, right? Or racist slurs like gook, heeb, nigger, beaner, cracker, wop, kike, mick, or spic.  She's dumb.

I think her prayers would be better spent on Somalia.

Everyone watch Breaking Bad on AMC on Sunday nights at 10pm!

100 vs 50

I'm 100 years old, right?  And you're 50... so what's the big deal?  What's the difference?  Or you're 18 and I'm 17, so who gives a fuck?  Hmmm... there's something very fishy going on here.  I mean I get, it you're 14 and you're 33.  But 16 and 54... you're good to go!  100 vs 50... I don't really see the difference, personally.  You know what I mean?  Young pussy... old pussy... young dick... old dick... little pussy... big pussy... little dick... big dick!

Our People!

So what the fuck are all these races about?  White mother fuckers, black mother fuckers, brown mother fuckers, yellow mother fuckers, purple mother fuckers... all sorts of colors of mother fuckers.  Bunch of mixed colored mother fuckers all over the world.  And we're all beating the shit out of each other all over the world.  Then you got blacks like Kanye West crying about "black on black crime."  I guess he'd prefer black on white crime.  Don't get me wrong.  I love Kanye West and pretty much everything about him--I'd like to think I'm quite like him!  Anyway, we're all fucking each other up.  That's gay.  And for the most part it's not even based on color or race!  Look at them assholes in the middle east like the Shiite and Sunnis!  They're the same fucking people!  Damn this shit is crazy.  And there was some gnarly white on white crime when the Germans tried to wipe out the Jews!

In the end, we're all a bunch of fucking indigenous people of planet Earth that fucked each other and had a bunch of different colored babies.  Then one of us wanted to be cooler than the other and said they were cooler because of their color.  All whites could have just as well been blacks and the other way around.  Or one group just wanted to live in the woods and the other group talked shit on them because they had fancy houses.  What the fuck man.  Unfortunately this shit will never end.

The red mother fuckers, our people the Indians!  We're all just a different shade of indigenous.  Let's all get naked... or at least wear cool leather clothes.

Indians

Indian

Wait... So we came from the fishes?

Is that right?

The Future Is Now Bitches!

This political climate is heating up!  Let's set it on fire!  Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann should obviously be running together... Sarah should be President and Michele Vice-President (because Sarah's hotter)!  And to top it off Katy Perry should get a new cabinet position of Secretary of Sexy!  Let's do this! The fuckin' future is now so we need some hot ladies in The Oval Office (or shall I say The Ovary Office?)!  In the name of progress and equality, let's get these ladies in there!  Get the young, rock and all other kinds of votes out!

Mrs President Palin

Secretary of Sexy Perry

Mrs Vice President Bachmann

WAR

If war is hell... is hell war?  So Kathryn Bigelow is going to make another war flick!  As you might know she directed The Hurt Locker (sweet movie) and now she's working on a movie called Kill Bin Laden hah!  Nice!  I thought The Hurt Locker was great!

Poor Guy Gets Killed By Cops

Some shit got caught on tape a couple days ago where a "bum" was beat (later he died from the beating) by a bunch of cops.  The bum was yelling out for God and his Dad to help him.  Motherfucker was schizophrenic and actually wasn't a bum.  That shit sucks.

Sleep

There's a song by The Strokes called "Fear of Sleep."  I'm not sure what that song's about, but I'm pretty sure I identify with that song.  I fight sleep until I black out!  Sleep is fucked up man.  You lay your tired ass on some bed in some house where people you trust live--while outside there are a bunch of creeps ready to break into your house.  You lock all the doors, but we all know that bullshit won't stop anyone from coming in!  Then your mind and body and bones give in and there you are all unconscious and shit... a helpless target.  Fuck that.  At least some dreams are pretty bad ass... like when you're having sex with some fine ass celebrity bitch or whatever.  Anyway, goodnight.

Alright... Fuck It...

Been reading On The Road by Kerouac.  Damn.  Those fools were a crazy bunch.  They didn't give a damn.  Listening to Black Carl right now.  Sweet band.  I remember that old Van Damme movie Lionheart... "Alright... Fuck it."

Ismael Says...

Fuck you... but only if you're mean of course.

New Albums

It's always fun writing new songs and assembling them together for an album.  After over ten years of doing this, the process has hardly changed.  It's fun, but it takes its toll.  You always want it to be done, but you never want it to be done before it's ready to be done, and then when it's done done you have to wait for it to be done by other people, then you have to decide how you want to present it to people.  Shit.  Then once you show people you hope they like the songs as much as you like them--they're like your fucking kids... though I don't know what having kids feels like.  New album is called "Rebel, Rebel" after one of the songs Ismael wrote.  It's about a bank-robbing, heart-breaking, rebel bitch.  She's probably hot too.