The Cool Orphan

There was a shitload of orphans everywhere when I was ushered in.  I don't know what I was expecting; it was an orphanage after all.

So, I walked in and the first thought I had was, "Shit.  Everyone in here already knows each other and I'm the fucking new kid.  They'll be talking and knowing each other all well and comfortable and shit, and I'll be all quiet like a fucking dickhead.  They'll think I'm a dickhead.  And worse still, I'll probably end up integrating into the group, and then I'll be all fucking normal talking to everyone here as if I've known them for years, and they'll be my 'friends,' and then some new kid will arrive, and he'll feel all shitty and alone... fuck that.  I'm not integrating.  I'm not making friends with anyone any more."

That was the first thought I had when I walked into my new home.

I noticed some girls right off the bat.  OFF THE BAT.  I hate that saying.  I'm not going to use it any more.  So, I saw these girls right away.  Here and there, they were.  I'm talking about the beautiful ones.  The ugly ones are never surprising.  I see an ugly girl, and I'm not surprised.  I simply think, "Oh, there's a fucking girl."

But when I see a beautiful girl, I'm always surprised.  I think, "Holy shit!  There's a beautiful girl!  I can't fucking believe it!"

I walked in all cool, but my cool was taken away after I saw the couple beautiful orphan girls here and there.  I always liked seeing poor, beautiful girls.  I don't know why.  It's like, you see all these amazing looking girls in Hollywood and crap that are rich and have it all and crap, and you kind of expect them to be rich... because they're beautiful after all.

But in here, there are some of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen, and they're poor as fuck!  Shit, they're abandoned and/or alone, just like me.  I love it.  I wonder what it feels like to be extremely good looking.  I've asked some extremely good looking people what it feels like, and I always get the same sort of answer: "I don't know.  It feels normal."  My ass it feels normal.  It must feel great.

The adults ushering me in began their spew, "This is Daniel, everyone!  He is..."

She would have kept going, but I put an end to that bullshit, "Hello everyone!  I DO NOT want to be friends with anyone!  Thank you!"  I walked off to a corner.  I knew the drill very well.  There was nothing to do but wait for food or whatever the fuck they'd have us do in here.

Nothing to do.

I went to some fucking corner, turned around, tilted my body back until it hit the wall, and then slowly let myself crumple to the floor until I could rest my chin on my knees.

I watched everyone be friends.  Good for them.  I said that a lot in my head: "Good for them."  I tried saying it differently.  I stressed different words in the sentence.

Good for them.

Good for them.

Good for them.

Good for them.

Weird.

A beautiful girl walked by.  I reminded myself: You DO NOT want to befriend ANYONE.

I especially didn't want to fall in love with or like a girl.  Fucking-A is it hard to get a beautiful girl to like or to love you.  Fuck that.

Worse is when they just want to be friends.

I sat there watching them all, and I really hoped I wouldn't integrate into the group.  I didn't want to do that at all.