The Beggar Man

It was wet and raining and cold outside, and the beggar man was outside.

The sky was gray with gray clouds gray from all the sadness in the world.  The whole world was gray.

Well the beggar man looked up at the sky and smiled.  He knew that where there were clouds, there were silver linings.

He looked and looked and looked and looked and looked and looked for the silver linings.

His brow creased, his eyes narrowed, his lips turned downward, and he started getting choked up.  And then, he really started getting choked up.  And then he began to sob lightly, but he was trying not to cry.  You know how that goes?  When you're really trying to hold it back.  And then, through the tears, he looked up at the sky, again.  He squinted and looked hard for the silver lining--there was none.

And then he let go.  He began to cry and sob hard, and the tears came flowing out like the rivers of the Ganges.  He reeled back as if he was hit, until his back hit a wall, and then he felt along until the wall led him to the nearest alleyway; he crept in and slid down against the wall.  He cried and cried.

He slid over to his side, huddled up in the fetal position and cried some more, until he fell asleep.

He woke up, as it was raining, very windy, and had become nighttime.  He was soaked.  It was freezing.

He struggled to his feet, felt around his big empty pockets for his flask, until he found it.  It had been a dreamless sleep.  He took a small swig and began to cry again.  He made his way to the main street, which was empty.  He was a weak beggar man.  His back hurt.  His fingers were creaky.  His nails were black.  His face was nothing but creases from his youth when he used to laugh and smile all the time and from his old age cringing.

He looked around, and it was dark all around.

Afar, he saw a lone light.  His stomach grumbled.  Underneath all the layers of black, shit clothing that he was wearing was a saggy body with shitty bones.  Well, he made his way to the light, to beg for food, of course, because he was hungry... you see?

It took him an hour to get there, and it got darker and scarier every second he traveled.  He was sure he would not make it this time, and he was not sure that this light would be very welcoming.

Knock, knock, knock, at the light's door.

He propped himself against the door jamb, and took his flask out.  He emptied it into his mouth.

Finally, the door opened, and there stood an extravagant looking man.  He was tall, young and handsome, and strong, and his hair was perfect, and he looked brave like a lion.  He was wearing a grand, fine robe of many deep colors, and he was holding two swords.  He smiled at the beggar man.

"Well, look at you!  What are you doing at my door?" He looked around outside and around the beggar man, "Are you alone?  Well, look at you, won't you?"  He sure was a happy looking man.

"Your light was on."

"Oh!  Ok."

"Mister?"

"Yes?"

"Were you awake today during the day?  Were you around town?"

"Oh, no.  Not me.  I was asleep.  Not today.  I slept all through today, and just woke up when you did, at nighttime.  It's a dark night ain't it?  I like it."  He shivered, "So, how can I help you beggar man?"

"There weren't any silver linings in the clouds earlier today during the day."

The grand man looked at the beggar man in the face, and he put his right hand up to his closed mouth, as if he were studying his face.  He had a serious countenance now.  "Well, look at you beggar man, won't you?  How can I help you?"

"I'm hungry."

"I see," he repeated a couple times and thought some more, "no silver lining in the clouds today huh?"

"None."

"What do you think that meant?"

"That there was nothing good to be found.  That it was just a gray, unforgiving world, where you can't find nothing good nowhere.  Not even in all the shit we live in, can we find a glimmer of hope.  That everything is always going to be shit, and nothing is ever going to change, is what I think it meant."

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, that may be so, that may be so," the grand man mused for a while, and then, "Hah!  Well ok!  Who knows, right?"  He had alighted again.  He was bright and cheery again, "that's very interesting.  Who knows, right?  Maybe that is so!  But, look at you, won't you?  For now, why don't you come in and eat?  You said you're hungry did you not?  So, what are you waiting for?  You even look like you're hurting!  I have a whole mess hall of food that I just made with my butler and my cook!  We're just hanging out!  We'll talk about all that shit you just said!  You must be a philosopher or something, you crazy fucking beggar man!"  The man was yelling at this point.

"Thank you."

Well, the beggar man went in and ate a whole mess of fucking food, and he was full.

I Never Asked to be Born! Stations in Life!

I grabbed my skull.  Oh!  I grabbed my skull!  But I didn't quite grab my skull.  I only put both of my hands on my head, and my head was made out of skin, hair, and all sorts of other shit, including a skull and a brain.  In that manner, I grabbed my skull.

And I huddled in a corner.  This corner was in a corner of a dimly lit room.  Yes, there was some light in there.  I didn't know where it was coming from.

What's my name!?  I didn't only ask the question in my head... I shouted it.  Well, my name is Danny Castro, and my name is Daniel Castro on my birth certificate, but I go by Danny.  Ok.  My name is Danny.

I grabbed my skull in the aforementioned manner.  I thought about my brother Ismael and all his wild ideas about light, color, and sight.  On his own, he had figured out that we never really see anything but reflections of light.  I never get to see Ismael Ismael, and Ismael never gets to see me me.  I tightened the grip on my skull.  Let me explain.

The human eye can only see because light shines into it.  If there were no light, the human eye would not be able to see what it sees.  The human eye is a mechanism that picks up light.  That light--and the colors and gradations of that light--is then interpreted by different parts of the brain, and then we "see" what light has reflected.  I'll try again.

If there is no light whatsoever, our eyes see nothing: only darkness.  They see nothing because no light enters into our eyes, and our eyes need light in order to see things.  So, all our eyes really see is light.  So, when there is light, what our eyes see is light reflected off of other things.  The sun shines on different parts of Ismael, and those are the parts that I see, so then I "see" Ismael, but what I really see is a reflection of Ismael.  The light.  Our eyes only see light.

I thought about that because, when I thought I was grabbing my skull, I was really grabbing a bunch of different things.  And when I think I am looking at something, I'm really only looking at the reflection of light off of that thing.

Oh!  Strange things filled my mind.  The room was empty, but there was a dim light coming from somewhere, and I was in a corner grabbing my skull.

All this honesty was thrashing around in my mind.

"What do I do?"  I thought to myself.  "I didn't ask to be born into this."  Outside of the door was waiting my normal life.  I was born in Southern California, and my parents loved me, and it was hard to swallow, because so many people were suffering around the world.

"I didn't ask to be born!"  My mind raged.

I imagined a twelve year old girl born with AIDS in Africa.  There in my corner all huddled up and grabbing my skull fiercely, I thought about her (I also thought about my perfect grammar).  She was poor.  She has had AIDS since she was born, and I forced myself to think hard about this.

She sat in an empty room clutching her skull.  Outside, there was chaos, and there were her siblings waiting for her to take care of them, because their parents were long dead.  The HIV had taken them away.  And her mind raged, "I didn't ask to be born!"

"What is fair?" I thought to myself.  Nothing is fair.  Is it fair that I was born in Southern California to a nice family and she was born in subsaharan Africa with AIDS?  Who the fuck decided to put us where we were born?  Why wasn't I born in subsaharan Africa, and why wasn't she born in Southern California?  Maybe she was?  Maybe I was?  Maybe we were all everybody, and maybe everybody was everybody else!  Why was I thinking so abstractly?  Mark done said, "Love your neighbor as yourself."  Maybe everybody was everybody!

I clutched, and I was losing my mind.  Nobody deserves anything.  I thought hard, and I thought logically.  There must be a god.  Ipso facto, when/how/why/where we were born was not arbitrary, nor meaningless.  Considering the massive implications of all of this, I came to a conclusion.

We are all orphans, to an extent.  What do we deserve?  Almost nothing.  But not nothing.  Something. We deserve something.  For he we are!  We exist!  What do we deserve?  Do we deserve to be rich?  Do we deserve to be poor?  We can't deserve those things, for we had no say in which station we should be born into.  What do we deserve then?  For, we do deserve something.

We deserve love.  Every single one of us deserves love from everyone else.  And we deserve to love everyone.  "Love your neighbor as yourself."  We should be hard on ourselves and on everyone else, in a loving way!  That's the way we should love ourselves and others!

We deserve the chance to be loved.  More importantly, we deserve the chance to love others.

And most importantly, we deserve the chance to be saved.

And so have we been.  Drowning and seemingly without hope for one last gasp of air, we have been saved.

Although it seems that nothing in this life is fair, there is hope and at least we do deserve something and not nothing.  That is fair.

I let go of my skull.  I walked out of my room.  I hugged my family.  I got on my computer.  I sent a couple bucks to whatever organization givewell.org told me to.

I went back to my room.  I closed the door.  I got on my knees.  I was humbled.  I don't deserve any of this.  Hell, I don't even deserve to be alive, probably.  I thanked god and I took George Harrison's advice: "Everything else can wait, but the search for God cannot wait; and love one another."

I heard U2 in the background.

I went back on my computer and thought about true love.