Para (stop) noid (like a noid) Paranoid (stop a noid). Paranoid.
Anyway, the other day I had to take a Xanax to control fear and anxiety. I didn't want to take one because of fear of what if I get a crazy reaction or a long lethargic outcome, what if it gives me fear and anxiety and I end up in the hospital. Argggg. I'll just take half of it and if all goes well then I can take the rest of it. Yes that's what I'll do. So, I did. I took half of a half. Yuk, bitter, sharp, intense, pungent flavor, yak, ten minutes after, I started getting dizy, I couldn't see straight and my heart started beating fast. Arggg, I thought, I feel sick, what have I done? I knew I should have not done it. Why did I take this medication, why can't I understand that this kind of medicine is not for me? Arggg, now I'm stuck in this nasty feeling, it's too late; now my peaceful days are over, I am done for, no one can help me now, I'm stuck in a stigma.
Mmm, is there a medication that will reverse the effects of Xanax?
What's the worst that could happen? Maybe if I just don't pay attention to my thoughts and fear, maybe if I don't focus on objects I wont notice my blurry sight and I won't worry. Maybe I'll just eat and enjoy a good meal.
Mmm, yea I'll just go to the all you can eat buffet and pig out. Oh yea good idea, I will eat and eat and eat and enjoy myself. I wonder how many of these people here around me are on this same medication. Maybe the whole world is on Xanax and I don't even know! Ha! Yea look at everyone they all look so calm, ha! We are all on this feeling. We're family! Woohoo! We're all on this endeavor.
I should not eat too much, lest the medication wears out or becomes subdued by the food. Should I take another Xanax? Mmm, not sure, I guess I could if I wanted to. I think the effect lasts about eight hours, then. I dont need another one, but what if right when I need it it wears out? Ah! Whatever, I'm just not going to worry, God is in control. He is God and I'm not.
Taylor Swift brought something up in the September (2014) issue of Rolling Stone that really made me think. I will bring this to bear down below. Uh, the rest of the article was pretty mindless and useless; I guess Katy Perry and she are enemies... OK.
T. S. sheds some light on why some girls are so horrible, but first some thoughts.
Visually, women are portrayed pretty much consistently in magazines, television, film, wherever; let us say: in media. Definitely: it is any woman's prerogative to be portrayed however she likes. Some women (Lena Dunham) think that women in general are "creating a sexual persona for the male gaze" (what a cool sentence; she is so good with words; I was a fan of the first two seasons of GIRLS; emphasis mine). You can't blame people for thinking that that is what's going on; it seems obvious. That whole idea: men are bullying women into doing what we want, á la evil 60's Mad Men. Wasn't it women who fought to wear less clothes though, to be "free" to be more sexually expressive?
I know men. We can't tell the difference between a size two and a size zero. Most of us are quite OK with a size six. Size twelve? Bring it on. Men will like anything on a magazine cover. So why do we get blamed for the extremism? We don't look at models and think, Ifonlyshewastwosizessmaller. It's easier to blame others. My inkling is that women want to be skinnier because other women are skinnier. They wear less and less because so-and-so is wearing less and less. They wanna be this way or that way because other girls are that way and they perceive that other women are stealing all the attention from men or can if they so choose. What do you think? Men are guilty of all sorts of things, but for now we speak on the feminine. And who are all those nasty, evil marketing executives? Could they be women?
THANK GOD NOT ALL WOMEN ARE THIS WAY.
What is this attitude that women seem to foster all about? Is it the female human nature of competition for the alpha male or status? Could, would, is it possible Taylor Swift has some insight into the matter?
(Granted: sex sells, but isn't it obvious that at any time in history if you put a naked body in front of people they will look?)
This brings me to the lovely, blonde-ly Taylor Swift and her easy going insight. I'll let her speak for herself, being the strong woman that she is:
"When your number-one goal is getting a boyfriend, you're more inclined to see a beautiful girl and think, 'Oh, she's gonna get that hot guy I wish I was dating' ... But when you're not boyfriend-shopping, you're able to step back and see other girls who are killing it and think, 'God, I want to be around her.'"
That's awesome and how women should treat each other. There would be less ferocity, animalism, and women would look out for each other more often, instead of ... instead of ... being so MEAN to each other.
To be certain, women don't have to be boyfriend-shopping; they can just want the attention. This sheds alotta light on this issue. It's this huge, unstoppable, nasty competition (perhaps nature) thing; and some girls are worse than others. (Note: just because some things are nature, it doesn't necessarily mean they are OK.)
We all want attention, to some extent, surely. Men and women want it in different ways. Women seem to be perpetuating the extremism that they absurdly strive for and the "freedom" of nudity and sexual expression. Personally, I think sexual expression (male and female) is out of control and has been since forever.
Yes: some girls are far worse than others, and bullocks that they aren't doing it on purpose. They prowl around, taking as their own endless fads and looks and dispositions trying to get whatever guy. And why? To steal a boyfriend? To steal a girlfriend and be gay for a day to cause a stir (wow, she's so crazy and scandalous—BORING)?To be able to say, I stole your boyfriend? To sate the insatiable in them: to prove they can do it to themselves and whoever is looking, to get attention, to falsely validate themselves. Maybe that is it.
And these girls they look at themselves prettily in the mirror, so pretty they look, so proud they are of themselves in their solitude (alone, alone, alone) where they fancy that no one in the world understands them (except for their next target) and they glory in their evil conquests: "I stole your boyfriend." And sometimes all they can do is try. They do this to their neighbors, other girls, usually nicer girls. They are mean. And it's just not cool. It's just not cool.
They are usurpers, lacking character (and who knows what else) and we should feel sorry for them. Are these the same girls that are always so proudly confessing that most of their friends are guys, as if it is something impressive? "I just don't get along with other girls. They're catty and mean and they suck." Or are those the good girls that have been marginalized? Not all girls are that way, so that is doubtful. They're just one of the guys, ha. I don't know. It's just not cool. Whoever they are, they should focus on the good, cool things in other girls and try to get along. Can't we all just get along? Ha. It's just not cool.
Why so hateful? I guess it's more important to get attention —how boring.
YOU are just not cool.
None of this is to mention the ugly side of the male species. And, hey, what do I know? Maybe I'm way off here. Anyway, I'm the most wretched of the most wretched and need more help than confused mean girls. God speed you, may God help you prosper.
The sands have shifted, I got lost for a second, still underground but not for long.
I caught a glimpse of you and I remembered a certain light—a good one.
Well you told me your name and I remembered good things. Are you kidding me? Lise Louiselle Marie Martineau: can a name get any more fancy or regal? Were your parents inspired by an immense and important painting from an immense and important era (Romantic? Renaissance? A cool future one we don’t know about yet?)—is it French as all hell? (Pardon my French.) Ah, is it French-Canadian/Canadian-French? Like Jack Kerouac? It’s so Jack Kerouac, your name, it’s so Dostoevsky. Princess Mononoke, you’re so Miyazaki too. And, me, sharing Dostoevsky’s hero’s name, I’m so Dostoevsky too: Alyosha. How would you pronounce my name? “Al-yosha”? “A-lee-osha”? I’m so Dostoevsky for different reasons. Poor me, right?
I saw a light. Thanks for reaching out; making things a little lighter, here underground. A humble character, thanks for letting me metaphorically kiss your hand, your highness, Princess Mononoke. My letters will make a good rope and help get me out of here. God lights our way, even for us Kerouackian types. Until the next letter…
To cuss is to say "bad words." That assumes there are bad words. Or perhaps to cuss is to curse, which would mean to curse someone or something.
If we say that the word (the sound and letters of a word) is the bad thing, then we come across some problems. In Spanish the word "puta" is very very "bad." It'd be as bad as "fuck" or "bitch" in English. So if you're in the desert somewhere and you just spontaneously say "puta" then you said a bad word, because we are granting that just saying a bad word is the bad thing. The problem is that some words, like "puta," are in other words. In Spanish, you spell computer "computadora." See? ComPUTAdora. So by saying computer in Spanish you have said a bad word. Of course no one will agree that saying comPUTAdora is a bad thing, so it can't be the case that just sounding out a "bad word" is a bad thing. There are other "bad words"—and I assume in all languages—that are embedded in other words.
So what about intention? If someone says, "You're a bitch," to a respectable woman? Was the "bitch" part the bad part? It seems like it would be equally bad or worse to say to the respectable woman, "You're a nasty, ugly, promiscuous dog. You're such a disgusting dog. You're a dog." So it seems the bad thing in both of those was the intention and meaning behind the word and not the word itself. I could tell the woman, "Hello. When I say "tum tum" I mean whore. You're a tum tum!" You can make any word mean anything, just by making it clear what you mean by it. And you can contrast this with this: When you're buddy hits a home run, you might say, "Hell ya, bitch!" And you're not insulting anyone, and your intention is one of motivation and encouragement, a good thing. Again, the word itself is not the bad thing.
What about the joy of just saying a bad word because it's bad? Again it's not that simple. Yes, some people (maybe me) enjoy cussing because it's cool because it's bad because bad things are cool for some reason. We won't go into that here. So I go around in fourth grade saying, "Fuck ya bitch. This is bitchin'. What the fuck do you guys wanna do? Let's go fuck around. This shit is stupid. School is fucking stupid. My teacher is a cunt," and I would simply be reveling in the fact that I'm being bad, which equals cool. I would say that this here is an instance of bad words being bad, because they are tools that are being used for evil—perhaps to offend or whatever. That would tie in to intention as well. If you're intention is to offend, then it is bad, but the tools themselves (the cuss words, the bad words) aren't necessarily the bad things. It's what's in my rotten black heart bitch! And even just wanting to offend people isn't necessarily a bad thing. Offending can be used to make people laugh or learn, and sometimes an "offensive" thing is a good thing that is simply offensive to confused people. It's okay to want to offend Satan worshipers by telling them they are insane, or you know... some sort of good example like that.
But to want to offend someone just for the sake of offending them would be bad.
But, before we move on, it must be said that many people grow up simply using "bad words" without trying to be cool or bad. To some people the are normal words, and sometimes if they begin as words that are used to try to be cool or bad, sometimes they turn into normal, everyday words that are just being used to work the language and not to try to be cool or bad.
So I suppose simply saying bad words to be bad would be a bad thing, and it would be making letters and sounds into tool of evil. But the real bad part is that there is revelry in being cool and bad, not the words themselves. Because us bad folk would say "goat cheese" all day, if it was considered bad.
What about a real curse that doesn't even include standard "bad words?" Well there you have it. Cursing doesn't need bad words. I can say "fuck you," "go to hell," "fuck off and die," or I can say, "I hope you die a horrible death." All of these are curses of sorts, but again it's the sentiment that matters and not the letters and sounds. The fact is that the bad thing is your ill will toward someone.
And finally, what is vulgar? Our culture has deemed certain things vulgar, so vulgar indeed that movies are deemed too vulgar to watch for underage folks simply because they say "fuck" or some such word a certain amount of times (probably an arbitrary amount of times). So what is vulgar? Obviously "vulgar" means "of the common folk." That's kind of an insulting term then. Vulgar is bad because it is of the common folk? And who are the "common" folk? Poor people! Hooray! The things that poor people do are bad because it's poor people that are doing them, and the things that rich, royal people do are good because they're rich and royal. Those things are "proper" and good. So it would be vulgar to say "dude" or common terms like that at a dinner with the king of Saudi Arabia. Equally, it would be bad to go to your ugly girlfriend's house to meet her religious parents and start flinging "fucks" all over the goddam place...
BUT WHY?
Because society says so? The Bible doesn't say so. God doesn't say so. So, why? Society? All citizens of a country didn't get together and deem a word "bad" in general. These words simply evolved and turned bad when some people started using them in a negative (evil?) way. "Fag" used to mean cigarette. Now if you say "faggot" it's offensive, because people used it to do evil. That's why words are "bad." They're not really bad, but society (the evolution and succession of every new age) frowns on them. Society (ideas passed on to all of us that we all agree on passively) says certain things are offensive because of where they came from; they have a bad history. I suppose a word like "fuck" became bad when it was overly used to speak coarsely about sex. There you have it.
I wrote this on a whim, so if my philosophy is a bit weak you can just fuck off. And by "fuck off" I mean "take it easy."
There came a time where we became lions, and it was strange; it was like being in a foreign land. But, just like being in a foreign land, if you're there long enough, well, you get used to it.
But the thing was that we weren't always lions. Sometimes we became humans again. It was just us five, and the whole world was against us.
I don't know how it happened, but we woke up in a sort of cave, and we looked at each other, and we were great, golden, majestic lions. We stepped out of our cave to find that all the other humans wanted to kill us, so we had a meeting. Vana spoke up and made a whole lot of sense.
"We're lions aren't we? Why don't we just eat the humans, of course being careful that they don't kill us?" Vana made sense.
Stealthily and near sundown, we crept out and mauled a whole lot of humans. We filled ourselves and found that we liked the taste of humans. We ate and ate and ate and ate and ate! It was even easier getting around at night and we returned to our cave.
When we got there we found that we had turned back into humans, but of course it was a bit strange having human blood all over us, so we all took a communal bath then hit our giant hot tub. There was a hot tub in our cave. We all fell asleep telling stories, Vid and La cuddling.
We woke up stinking like lions, but we didn't stink lions to ourselves... just to whoever wasn't a lion; we were lions again. La made us all breakfast out of left over human parts we had dragged in the night before.
Anette looked like she was having the most fun, and I wished I was as fresh as her.
"Let's run!" She roared.
We busted out of the cave and ran free and hard and fast and our manes were in the air... well mine and Vid's. The women didn't have manes, but that didn't bother Anette, La, and Vana. Okay it bothered Anette a little that Vid and I had great big flowing manes. She joked that she wanted a man's mane too. I kissed her. We roamed, we ran, we flew, we roared, and we killed a lot of humans.
The fighting became fun and fierce, so we returned to our cave, but it was blocked by the dirty humans. So we ran and we felt like we might faint.
Finally, Vid found another cave, a well hidden cave. The cave was hidden by moss and grass and leaves and greenery of all sorts of the most beautiful kind and you could hear the music of Kings of Leon (only the really melancholy, beautiful songs like "Comeback Story").
Anette was smart though, she peered into the cave, and sure enough there were giant, GIANT, hanging bats all over inside—but we were in trouble. Luckily we had turned into humans again. We were blood soaked humans though so we found a lagoon and soaked off the blood. We found a hotel, paid $250 for a good, big, fancy room. Anette left the window open for when we turned into lions again.
Around midnight the human-ness wore off, and we were wonderful lions again. We jumped out the window and sneaked back to the cave.
"Let's slowly walk in, so we don't wake up the monstrous bats," Anette the lioness said.
"Sounds good," we all agreed. So we crept in, and slept as lions sleep.
In the morning Vid and La crept slowly and carefully to the rest of us. They had an idea they had conjured up before the had fallen asleep in their lion arms together.
La said, "We're going to roar and scare all the bats, all the giant bats out, and they're going to go out all over the city and kill all the humans that are trying to kill us." So we did just that.
ROAR! ROAR! ROAR! ROAR! ROAR!
And the bats flew batshit crazy cray cray all over the city not leaving one citizen untouched or un-killed. All humans died that day.
We stood on a precipice and looked over all the land. We would be lions forever more and feed off the land. We would forever be beautiful, tall, golden lions. We were awesome as fuck. We thanked the Creator. Lions we were.
about the selfie: really, i think selfies are only annoying because you don't like the person taking the selfie (or you don't like that THAT person is taking the selfie). for instance, if you're married, you might not like your spouse taking millions of selfies because you want them for yourself, but then you say you hate "selfies" when you don't really, because you don't mind so much when others do it.
i know some people probably get annoyed when i take pictures of my mug, but i also know that i find taking pictures of myself fun, and i wish i had lots of selfies of my parents when they were younger, but it wasn't a thing, so i have limited pictures of them in their teens, twenties, and thirties. my kids (i probably won't ever have kids) will have plenty of pictures of me to be amused by. i also know some people don't mind my selfies and might even like them (as hard as that might be to imagine).
some people annoy me (but i like them enough—or don't want to hurt their feelings—to keep them as facebook friends); i HATE when they take selfies, but sometimes that comes across as, "i hate selfies." i sure as hell don't hate selfies when my good friends take them to show off their new haircuts, beautiful scenery, their trip to the moon, cats, to show off their new boyfriend or girlfriend or both. and i actually LOVE selfies when beautiful girls take selfies (quantifier: beautiful girls that i don't severely dislike).
who (in general) doesn't like beautiful faces? everyone likes beautiful faces, and it doesn't necessarily have to be a sexual like of the selfie, but rather an aesthetically pleasing one.
right, so then there's those of you that supposedly hate the selfie because it is a representation of how self-absorbed our culture has become. the thing is that we have always been very self-absorbed. people generally buy "cool" shoes to... look cool (or to not look cool on purpose, so that they can be cool e.g. counter culture). we can keep going back in history and look at the things that people did that could have been seen as self-absorbed acts. whatever. granted, there are narcissistic people out there that go too far. it is not a virtuous trait, but i'm inclined to believe that we all have a little bit of that in us anyway. taking a selfie is not necessarily a self-absorbed act. taking selfies is not making our society any worse than it's always been; humans will always be terrible. we can't escape our physical world. taking selfies puts the focus on the person's face instead of their soul? you just don't like taking pictures or hate your face. get over it.
no, YOU don't get to be the one that hates all selfies. i've seen you take selfies with your kids or after a comedy show making a stupid face and supposedly taking the selfie as an ironic statement; that is just to cover up the fact that you want to take a picture of yourself. don't be afraid. it's okay to have fun taking pictures ha ha.
i MIGHT grant that there are some out there that hate all selfies, but really those people hate everything... but let's face it, they're on facebook, so they're not THAT cool and if they wanna talk shit on selfies, they really have no place to do so; and they'd have to hate all photography too then.
let's make something clear here. taking pictures is fun. some people on facebook take lots of pictures of everything and a lot of pictures of themselves, because it's fun—not because they think they are god's gift to humanity. these people are genuine, fun loving people and photography has been fun since it first happened. those people shouldn't let anyone get them down or stop their fun. don't let people selfie-shame you! it's like those anti-cellphone people back in the day. they became cellphone owners. then they were anti-texting, then they became anti-myspace, then they became anti-facebook, and now they're anti-selfies. they always come around in the end. i like james franco because he unashamedly takes selfies, and you get the sense (if you follow him on facebook) that he does it for fun, or out of boredom, or to show off his friends or whatever. it's fun!
people have been taking pictures of themselves for a long time; now they just happen to be able to push the button themselves. there really isn't that much of a difference; people just want to bitch about something because of their own insecurities or to be hateful people or to make complaints about selfies when the real issue is that they don't like you or don't think that YOU should be taking selfies. yes, i know, this is a very important issue to be spending time arguing about. you're welcome.
i think it's healthy for people (that are not narcissistic) to enjoy their faces, to be proud of how they look, to have confidence. not everyone is going to like their mug, but some people will. it's a beautiful thing, why rain on their parade? just because they have ugly faces? fuck it.
it's worse to be a judgmental person in general (about selfies or whatever), than to be a serial selfie taker. people (in general?) are just trying to enjoy and get through life; we do what we can to distract us from the fact that all of this ends horribly. we die. everyone we know dies. it could all only end beautifully, if we all died at the same time and without knowing it. pictures bring joy. pictures bring joy. pictures bring joy. pictures bring joy. well... some of them do, but you know what i mean.
there is something curious about photographs. someone takes a selfie and we get to see their face and we just look at it like the monkeys that we are; and we enjoy the experience. "oh there's so-and-so's face. how interesting. i like to look at it. she's beautiful." or "i'm gonna take a picture of myself. oh it came out well. i like the look of my face. i'm going to put it on facebook. why? i don't know. i hope people like my face too and boost my confidence and ego, but not in a bad way." curious.
what i'm trying to say is that fun loving genuine people should keep having fun taking selfies of silly faces, hanging at the beach or some beautiful place, showing silly outfits or beautiful outfits on a fancy night out with friends. you know who you are.
who doesn't like esti ginzburg doing an in bed selfie? elevator selfie?
kissy face selfie? mascara selfie?
weird/silly face selfie? making her friend look bad selfie?
innocent girl selfie? fun night selfie (but really a "geez i look really cute tonight selfie")?
on a boat selfie? booty shot/island/beautiful scenery/ocean selfie?
car selfie? another kissy face with minimal makeup selfie?
shades selfie? selfie that is so beautiful you forget who you are?
bikini, wet hair selfie? glasses and wine and friend selfie?
"i love you, danny" selfie? "come lie down with me, danny" selfie?
cool selfie? NO ONE.
that reminds me: some people really remind me how much i believe in and love god.
but... uh... what do i know? i'm just trying to get attention by writing something about selfies and enjoy pretty faces :)
let's give everyone the benefit of the doubt and try not to rain on people's genuine fun photo parades.
PS - if you're like REALLY ugly, don't take selfies. just kidding.
like i didn't just pose for a picture, tryna see how long my beard can grow, growing out my hair, took like ten photographs before deciding on this one, scrolling through all the filters and lighting options on instagram to get the "best" looking me possible, woke up at 1:30 AM and decided to write a very important blog on defending selfies selfie
I am in love with a girl. This girl brightens my day, when I see her picture, when I think of her, when I hang out with her. My heart sinks, when I think that she probably doesn't like me the way I like her. She makes me think silly things like boy, if I had a billion bucks, I'd buy us a trip to the moon, and then maybe she'd fall in love me. Probably, it would take far less (and at the same time, far more) than that for her to fall in love with me again. I probably just need to be the kind of guy that she loves and is impressed by and is mysterious to her; also, a guy that the guys she looks up to look up to. I know she likes my style, because she's told me this before, and because she used to love me. She also loves boys that are good Christian boys, and I just don't come across as that kind of guy, even though I AM a "good Christian boy," despite all my f-words, s-words, p-words, any-letter-in-Spanish-English-words, and vulgarity a la Louis C.K.
She is in love with some guy. And this guy doesn't love her. And she can't get this guy out of her beautiful, little head with amazing hair. She probably loves him—especially—because he just doesn't seem to have the time for her! And girls just love what they can't have, don't they? Actually, humans especially want what they can't have, ya? And I think to myself this guy just hasn't noticed her or gotten to know her well enough, for if he had, he'd be in love with her as much as I am! She also probably loves him because he is tall and handsome. Tallness is an attractive feature, no? And handsomeness is an attractive feature too, no? He has great hair too. He also happens to be an outstanding Christian boy (to the extent that anyone can really be that, and as far as anyone can see; maybe he really isn't all that good of a guy), and my girl adores good Christian boys. Who knows, maybe the guy just isn't attracted to her, right? Maybe his type of girl is ugly and not beautiful; it must be. Or maybe he's gay.
Well, this guy is in love with a girl, so he's not gay. This girl that he's in love with is not as good looking as my girl, and she's older than him, but only slightly. Her father runs a big business, and they are well off. She drives a better car than he does, she has no need for money, she is very well put together ALL THE TIME (like flawless, I promise), her father is cooler than him, and although he is finishing seminary school soon, he also wants to work for her father's company; not just work at a church. This girl has an excellent family, and she's a good Christian girl too, and this guy just wants to be part of her family (maybe because his family life wasn't that great?). She has the opposite color hair as my girl, and that bugs my girl to no end, and she thinks that maybe that's why this guy doesn't love her, but that's a silly idea. This girl and my girl both wear high heels, as though they'd die if they didn't wear them; I'm not complaining, even though it makes them taller than me (it seems almost everyone is taller than me, even without high heels); they both look great in high heels. Well this guy thinks—to this day, even—that I can get any girl, but as we can see, that doesn't seem to be the case, and he looks up to me like I'm some sort of "pimp" cool guy. I promise, I am not.
This Christian girl does not love this tall, handsome, perfect haired Christian boy, though! She loves a bad boy that is not a Christian. She grew up in a perfect world, and perhaps she's looking for a retreat from all of that. I might be wrong. This "bad-boy" (I'm badder than him, I promise) is even more well off than she is. He's not as tall as the guy that's in love with her, but he combs his hair in a cooler fashion. So what is it about this guy? Why does that girl love him and not good Christian boy? It can't be that it's just because he's not a Christian, it can't be that it's because he has different color hair, it can't be that he's always dressed in black and wears cool boots, it can't be that he combs his hair super cool all the time... can it? On top of all this, this 'bad boy' pays her attention all the time, and she still loves him. So he's not ignoring her, and she still likes him. He treats her really cool though, and he isn't impressed by her dad, and he's cooler than her dad, and her dad really likes this guy, because he's really funny and natural. He's always making her laugh, and talking to her, and interested in what she has to say, and he remembers her birthday, and his smile is beaming, and his teeth are perfect, and he touches her hand, and shoulder, and arm, and face a lot; and it drives her nuts in a good way. There is something about him, though…it's almost as though his mind is occupied with something else, and it seems like that prevents him from loving her. Could it be his brother that is in Afghanistan? Is it that he's not a Christian and she is? That can't be it, because he's in love with another girl that is a Christian. He feels at ease with this girl, but he doesn't love her; he's so natural around her; it all seems a bit too easy. Maybe he feels a little bit forced to become like her and her family and her Christianity, and maybe that keeps him at bay.
Well, like I said, this "bad boy" is in love with a sweet little Christian girl that happens to be a daughter of a preacher pastor. Her attitude towards him makes him feel like he doesn't have to be anything but himself; he's fine just as he is. This girl melts this fool all easy. She's not nearly as funny as he is, but he finds the smallest things that she does hilarious, and she is slightly awkward, and he can't get enough of that. She has the same color hair as the girl that's in love with him, but this girl makes him laugh and feel giddy and she makes him want to be a Christian (despite his philosophical reservations about Christianity); he has read all of C.S. Lewis' works, he is well read in contemporary debates between theist and atheist; and although he doesn't see a fundamental contradiction with the belief that a grand, creator god may exist, something pulls him toward disbelief. Indeed, he is an atheist, but he is open-minded and continues to work out the debates in his mind, pledging to believe in whatever side is more plausible. He has an inkling that his unbelief is grounded in psychological reasons, not philosophical ones. Well this poor girl just don't love him. He has made his advances to no avail. Her heart is absolutely taken by someone else. She makes him laugh, but she doesn't laugh as much as he does. She wishes him all the best, but she never takes him up on his offers to extravagant dates in his nice cars, even though she'd look just lovely next to his handsome presence; they'd make a lovely couple. All of these people are so very good looking, me the least of all of them of course (but I promise I am funnier than all of them combined!). Why doesn't she love him? Why doesn't she choose this fellow over the one that has her heart firmly? Yes, it is partly because he is not Christian, but if he became a Christian, she knows she wouldn't love him. Something happened before she ever met this fellow, and ever since then, this 'bad boy' had no chance; maybe he never had a chance; maybe he's just not her type? He won't give up though, and I can sympathize with that. What happened to her, so that this guy doesn't have a chance in hell with her? She fell in love with me.
She has cried about me. I've brought her deep sorrow and deep happiness. I used to think that this girl's hair color was my type, but hers is the opposite of the girl's that I am madly in love with. I would think that 'bad boy' is cooler than me, and therefore that this girl should just fall in love with him and wait until the Holy Spirit moves him to become a Christian, but apparently coolness isn't enough—'bad boy' thinking I'm cooler than him anyway, because his girl is in love with me. Why does she love me though? I make her laugh. She loves my family. I feel extremely natural around her (as I do around the girl I am in love with), and maybe that makes her feel safe and good with me. She severely wants me to love her, for me to accept her, and she asks me, "Why don't you love me?" And I ask her, "Why don't you love 'bad boy?'" But I don't love her. She wants to become one with me for eternity. I've seen her face when we are having a good time together, and I can tell she is in heaven, but I can also tell that she dreads the eventual end of our hanging out, and so she clings. Why don't I love her? It can't be because I love another, for one can love more than one, no? I don't know. This girl is beautiful in her way. She is intelligent. She is caring. It's not because she is a little clingy; that doesn't bother me. I know why she loves me. I remind her of someone else, someone I do not know; someone from another life perhaps; someone that she doesn't know perhaps; and perhaps she loved this person that I remind her of, and now here I am the reincarnation of her lost love (maybe a person or character from her youth that I remind her of unconsciously). I'm as cool as it gets for her. As for me though…I ask myself again why don't I love her? The answer is that I love another, and my heart has been asking for my girl for a long time, and my heart says, "If we don't get our girl, then it is better to be single and die single." I love my girl and not this girl because I like my girl better. I like her everything better than I like this girl's everything. I don't know why. It's not because my girl doesn't like/love me, because at one point she did love me. It's just that my girl is my girl and no other girl is, and no other girl ever will be. She'll love me again.
And so I don't love the daughter of a pastor. I love my girl. And she used to love me, but I ruined that a long time ago, but I think I can get her to love me again. These geometrical shapes of love suck, don't they? Yes they do. I wish they could all be resolved, but that would create a paradox, because that would mean that the girl that loves me would get me, and I would get my girl, and my girl would get the handsome seminary student, and the handsome seminary student would get the rich girl with the cool dad, and she would get the 'bad boy,' and the 'bad boy' would get the girl that is severely in love with me, and I would get my girl, and so on, and so on, and so on forever—a paradox.
I'll get my girl yet. You'll see. And to hell with this geometrical shape of love and paradox.
