And then my dream began.
I was wearing a cool ass fucking purple robe that was lined with gold trimmings and diamonds and I was naked underneath. I popped off my giant, luxurious bed and stood up with a surging vitality; my good ass blood was pumping through my body all good and my heart was pumping strong because it was strong. I stood in front of my big ass, solid-gold-framed, diamond mirror--I must have been six-foot-two. Nice! With my magical powers I popped an infinitely capable remote control out of nowhere into my hand and popped on Maroon 5's "Moves Like Mick Jagger" (or whatever the fuck it's called) and then I started thrusting around my room dancing my way to the liquor cabinet.
Then I popped off a bottle of whiskey and took a good chug right out of the bottle. Why? Because I've been watching way too much Boardwalk Empire, that's why.
And then things took a turn for the bad. An ominous motherfucker stood at my window looking at me all creepy. I stood six-foot-two tall and just stared back at him with my robe all open and with my dick staring him down too. "What up biatch!" I screamed in a high pitched gangster tone and with a lot of confidence. I wasn't afraid of no motherfucker. I'm never afraid in my dreams. Sometimes, I'm sad in my dreams, but I am hardly ever afraid--never.
"Come to the front door biatch!" I yelled in my cool high-pitched style.
I walked over to my big ass front door and opened it wide and there he was waiting. "Sup, dude. Who da fuck you?"
"I am The Sandman."
"Ok, ok. Come in man. So, what do you do? You just cruise around in people's dreams and shit? And you make them go insane or something? Or you rape chicks or something?"
The biatch took off his cloak and he was dressed all normal and cool underneath.
"Shit man, I'm gonna get dressed cool too then. I'll be right back." I got dressed cooler than him.
"Let's go." Alright I said.
We walked down the road for a little bit in silence. He was a good looking dude, but there was something off about him. He seemed empty inside. It was as though he was an empty vessel--a machine programmed to do whatever he did. We got to some farmhouse and a man was working the fields. Sandman yelled out to him, "Hey! You farmer! Fuck you!" The farmer looked over and gave us a sad look and then returned to his work. "Ha ha! That was funny huh? He got all hurt."
"Ha ha. I guess that was kind of funny." I said.
We walked further and finally reached a bohemian town where everybody was cool. People were sitting at cafés, at delis, and at wine shops. The café people were trying to drink cooler coffees than the person sitting next to them. The deli people were trying to convince their fellow cheese-eating cheese-heads that their palates and taste-buds were more cultivated than everybody else's... but, of course, not without being humble, because they also mentioned that they were introduced to certain cheeses by exotic monks that lived in the Himalayas--they had taken a trip there with their life partners two summers past. The wine connoisseurs were each trying to act as if they cared less about everything than the next wino. We walked by and heard some of the conversation.
"Oh bother. My husband is so absurd." Random ass lady waiting for her friend to inquire about the situation.
"Oh mine is so eccentric, but I don't care." They both took good swigs of their wines.
"I caught my husband having sex with the maid, oh bother." And she waved her hand flippantly in the air. "He pulled his dick out of her and started muttering something, but I told him not to leave his mistress half-pleasured and that I was going to look through some developed prints of mine and perhaps add some filters to them."
"I told my husband that we shouldn't refer to each other as 'husband' and 'wife.' Those terms are so archaic and conservative. It's for the bourgeois, is what I always say. I don't care at all."
"My husband couldn't believe it. I don't care how many lovers he has. I am utterly bored with even thinking about it really."
"I am so bored right now and don't care about anything. The only thing I care about is trying to find ways to care even less about everything than I already do." They both finished their full ass glasses of wine and filled them right back up. And then, by mere coincidence, they both said the same thing at the same time: "I don't care about them that much, but those new Hunger Games books are ok." And then they both downed their full glasses of wine and started making out. It was so bohemian and cool.
"Let's sit down Danny, you little bitch." Le Sandman told me.
"Alright biatch."
We sat down at the beer garden and ordered the most expensive beers they had.
"See the woman over there? Man, what a knock out. Look at those legs. They go all the way to heaven. They carry a princess around all day and they look so smooth and wonderful! You know how the Orcs were made in a fiery hell at Isengard? You know? In the Lord of the Rings. This girl was made at the opposite place of that place."
I looked over and saw her. Yup. She was fucking perfect and I fell in love with her real fast.
"I am going to show you what I do brother. I'm gonna take her back to your place and pull her mini sartorial splendor over her head and take a good gander at those legs. I want to see just how high they go. I love her high heels man. She is driving me mad."
"Ok do it. I'll watch."
He crept over to her and his movements were perfect and he looked great. He leaned in and whispered in her ear. She crossed her legs. She leaned in towards Sandman to have his voice deeper in her ear. He put his hand on her one bare shoulder. She shifted her hair. Her eyes narrowed and she smiled deviously. She turned around on her stool to face The Sandman fully. They were so proximally close. He leaned into her face. She didn't move. She spread her legs apart. I got a boner. It was all so bohemian and cool.
He grabbed her hand and off they went.
I followed them in a creeping manner to make sure she didn't see. They arrived at my mansion and I sneaked in through the back unnoticed. They were in my room and as I peered through the marginally open door, The Sandman pulled the woman's short dress over her head. He inspected her legs as she giggled. Her vision was restricted by her dress. The Sandman turned and smiled at me and proclaimed "they do reach heaven! How about that!" The woman laughed and jumped on his face.
When they were done, The Sandman walked her to the door and I hid behind some shit and listened.
"Hey you know what? I actually fell in love with you back there Suzy. You're so bohemian and fun." He didn't let go of her hand. "You're so carefree and caring. And your smile is genuine. Your breath smells of sweet alcohol right now." He kissed her and she giggled. "You're so pure. But..."
"What?"
"I can't see you again. I'm sorry. We'll never see each other again, and I can't tell you why." He let go of her hand. "Go be happy. I am leaving. Thank you." He closed the door.
Homie walked over to me. "Ha ha! See that? Damn. She was perfect. I wish I could marry her and have a perfect life and travel the world with her and have wild sex all the time. I think I love her and I know I love her. Whooo!"
"Yea, she was perfect. When are you going to see her again? I know you didn't mean that shit about not seeing her again."
"Yes. Tonight. I'll visit her in her dreams. And then I will strangle her, but right before she dies I'll let her go. And then I'll stab her and slit her throat." The Sandman had his cloak on again and his head was hooded and he was brooding. "I am just an empty evil vessel with specific instructions. It is what I do. See ya."
Motherfucker disappeared right in front of me. "You're an evil fuck homie." I said to no one.
"I know bro." His voice echoed out of no where.
"Well... shit." I thought. This is all fucked up. I pondered for a bit as I went back into my room and put on my cool robe back on and got extremely comfortable. I changed the sheets on my bed and lied down to watch some television. My mind wandered and wondered. Man I really want a girl like Suzy. So carefree and beautiful. Ya, I want to live forever young and youthful. And I want to run around the whole world doing fun things and ride buffalo in Ireland whenever I get the chance. I could still smell Suzy's pussy. "Mmmmm."
"Weird ass Sandman. Going from dream to dream killing people, mentally disturbing people, wooing girls and then breaking their hearts. He's not even conflicted or suffering--those things are just the things he does and is meant to do. Strange. Well he didn't fuck with me." I thought these things about The Sandman.
"I can fuck with your mind bro." The ominous echoed voice addressed my thoughts.
"No you can't." I said aloud and then chilled back. Homie didn't say shit back.
The new Breaking Bad season started right when I changed it to AMC channel 57. Nice!
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