I Saw So Little (True)

From now on, when writing these things, I'll let you know if they were true, partly true, or just plain fiction.  It will be designated by a (True), or a (Partly True), and a (Fiction).  I'll also let you know when it's an opinion piece.  Ok?  This story, about me, is true.  And it's fun... or at least I think so :)

I saw so little.  It was so weird how little I saw.

I'm in fucking 2nd grade.  In 2nd grade I didn't use the word "fucking" yet.

My teacher, Mrs. Armstrong (she didn't have a first name; I assure it), was awesome.  Yes, she put me with the slow reading group (even though I was an avid reader), but still... she was pretty awesome.  She would cross her legs, and she would wear a tight business type dress all the time.  How old is a 2nd grader?  I'm 30 now.  I don't know how old fucking 2nd graders are.  They definitely aren't old enough for me to hit on them, so who cares.

So, I'm in 2nd grade, and Mrs. Armstrong crosses her legs, and she is wearing a tight business type skirt that cuts off above the knee.  As a 2nd grader, I didn't care about the hotness of the matter: I just noticed these things.  She crossed her legs, and, loudly, I would say "I can cross my legs like that too!"  And I would cross them like she did.  Shit, if I saw a woman cross her legs that way now (and I do all the time), I'd get a boner (and I do... no matter who's crossing their legs like that... I get a boner.  Hot, tight, business skirt that cuts over the knees with legs crossing all over the place?  Yes, I get a boner).

Mrs. Armstrong didn't mind me mimicking her and hitting girls and tearing apart other students' drawings.  She was cool.  And she didn't look bad.  As a 2nd grader, I didn't get boners or think of girls in that way.  As far as girls were concerned, they were either your girlfriend (which didn't have any sexual meaning to it--she was just your "girlfriend"--someone you were going to marry I guess), or she was a stupid girl you were supposed to aim rocks at.

One fine fucking day, Mrs Armstrong let us go to the Lego convention that had set up in our fucking library.  Awesome!  For a 2nd grader, going to a bullshit Lego convention was AWESOME.  We were going to be able to see cool scenes of Legos!  Some old ass man ass had built up a little Lego convention for us.  We would get to walk by every fucking Lego scene and say things like, "Wow, this little Lego man is wearing a construction hat, and there goes the cement truck, perfect!"  Or, "Hey cool!  Here's a little Lego Zebra!  He's in a goddam Lego Zoo!  I can't fucking believe it!"  Or, "Well look here Elizabeth!!!  Here's a goddam fucking Lego scene where there's a Lego prostitute giving a Lego old ass taxi driving Lego man's dick off!  And his little Lego fucking Taxi cab is outside the little fucking Lego ass broken down Lego hotel!  I love it Elizabeth!  And hey!  CLASS!  I just heard Elizabeth FART!!!  EWWWW!!! SHE SUCKS!!!  Let's throw rocks at her Mexican ass!"  I couldn't wait to go to this goddam show! :)

Oh, but wait.  Mrs. Armstrong had a warning for us before we got to go check out the dicksucking Lego antics of the beautiful Lego prostitute.

"Class!  We get to go see the Lego exhibit in the library of the school.  Our proud Escondido Juniper Elementary School!  But, ONE RULE," she said.  "One rule," Mrs. Armstrong said.  My ears perked up. Rule?  A rule?  Hmmm, this is going to be interesting.  Why would there be a rule to go see the Legos?  I just want to see the Legos, thought my 2nd grade big brain.  "The rule," Mrs. Armstrong said, "is that if anyone of you sons-of-bitches stealing a Lego, you will be in BIG trouble... if I even HEAR of one of you stealing a Lego, you will be in BIG trouble!"  No one that is in 2nd grade wants to be in BIG trouble; I'll tell you that!  I have nieces that tell me about the horrors of being in BIG trouble (they're in 2nd grade or so).

Well fuckin-a.  I was pissed.  This is a true story.  The first thing my 2nd grade brain thought was: WHO THE FUCK SAID ANYONE WAS GOING TO STEAL A FUCKING LEGO!?  WE JUST WANT TO SEE THE GODDAM LEGOS!  Well fuck this, I thought to myself.  No one was going to steal a Lego (I knew this because I was the leader of the whole school, and nobody would steal anything without my permission).  Well fuck this.  Just because of this odd accusation, I decided to steal a Lego.

In we went.  The Lego exhibit was stunning!  I enjoyed it for a time, but then it was time.  "Hey Luke... cover me... I'm going to steal that Lego head off that Lego man."

"Danny... You shouldn't... you really shouldn't," Luke said.

"Shut the fuck up and stand behind this bookcase and look out goddam it."

Luke peered around the bookcase and gave me the goddam thumbs up.  I walked by a seen and snatched up my own little Lego head.  That'll teach Mrs. Armstrong I thought to myself pleasantly.  I walked for about thirty more seconds, and then I heard her beautiful voice.

"Alright class!  Everyone!  Outside!"

How the fuck did she find out!  NO NO NO NO NO NO!

I looked around for the class misfit (other than me) Aaron.  He was a red-head, and he had a propensity for beating up nerds every weak.  "Hey Aaron, take the Lego head man.  She's gonna catch me!"

"No can do Danny.  You're on your own."

SHE put us up against the wall outside of the library: "One of you stole a Lego head.  Who was it?"

No one said a peep.  All the students knew better than to snitch on me or Aaron.

"OK then.  I will search every ONE of you ONE BY ONE."

And down the line she came.  I put my hand in my pocket.  Inside my pocket, I grabbed the awesome little Lego head and made a fist around it and kept my hand in my pocket.  I noticed a trashcan, not but two feet away.  She was too close.  She was two students away from me.  I pulled my little 2nd grade fist out.  Both of my arms went down to the ground straight.  I stood like a misfit soldier.  Aaron was to my left, "Please?"  "Nope."  We both looked straight ahead.  We had both been to the Principle's Office before, but never did we relish going back to it.

"Danny?" SHE asked.

No response came from me other than the following.  I stuck my arm straight out (90 degrees from my body with the palm of my little fist facing up).

"Yes?"  SHE asked.

I opened my little fist to reveal the little Lego head.  I looked straight ahead, right past Mrs. Armstrong's waistline.  Aaron was proud.

"Give that to me.  Off to the Principle's Office with you.  We're going to call your parents."  I was marched off by some yard duty bitch or some shit.

I was like seven years old.  Twenty years later: "Sir, do you know where you are?" Some officer was talking to me: I think.

"Huh?"

"Sir, are you drunk?"

"Huh?  I ain't saying nothing.  Leave me alone."

"Off to jail with this guy."

"You can't beat me.  None of you can beat me... but I like you guys... you guys are nice, and I apologize for being drunk in public.  Off to the jail with me old chaps."

Never Ending Tilting

::In My Neck Of The Woods::

I walked out my front door and saw the world tilting away from me.  It was gradual, but it was not happening slowly.  I saw people falling to outer space instead of falling down.  And when they passed our atmosphere, their little bodies exploded.  I saw little red explosions everyone in the sky.  I'll tell you what it looked like:

The sky was blue everywhere else like it was the happiest day ever, and there were happy fluffy white fucking clouds spotting the sky; little red roses were exploding everywhere.

Soon, probably my family and I would fall into the sky and explode too.  At least none of us would die before the other, so none of would have to miss the other ones at all really.

I ran into the house.

"Hey!  Everyone!  The world is tilting and everyone is falling into outer space!"

My whole family congregated in the living room.

We all hugged and said our goodbyes.  We even shook hands too.  I told my brothers and sister that it was good to know them and that everything was always funny and a good time.  I told my parents thanks.  They all said the same things to each other.  We sat on the ceiling of the house.

::On The Other Side Of The World::

A deaf and dumb thirteen year old girl saw everyone falling into the skies.  Bunch of idiots they all were anyway.  She wasn't falling up yet so she went in and out of different stores grabbing things to eat and drink: milk, orange juice, chips, a sandwich, or whatever.

She walked over to a park and sat down on a bolted down bench.  Geez.  Everyone was yelling so much and crying and terrified.  Geez.

She couldn't wait to fly off and pop.  Then she would be beautiful!  She felt pretty good not having to sneak around and steal to eat and drink for once.  She leaned back and waited.  She thought about what this world had been for the last thirteen years.  She thought:

Let's see... no parents.  I wonder what it felt like to have parents.  I probably had siblings somewhere out there at some point... but they probably died a long time ago... if I had any.  Hmm... I hate being raped.  Good god do I hate being raped.  I can't wait to pop off and put all this shit behind me.  I wish I was fat with all the food in the world!  I'm hungry again.  I've always been hungry.  I hate being all alone and all the kids always steal my money when I have any.  I'm just a dirty little smudge of trash.

Well, she started floating slowly and started falling into the sky.  She closed her eyes.  She thought, "After I explode... I'll finally be able to sing... and I'll hear myself sing.  And I won't sing for anyone.  I'll go to a far corner and be all alone..."

She kept falling and thinking: "No... I'll find a corner somewhere far away from anyone.  I'll chop off my stupid arms and legs.  I'll grow my arms into a mom and dad.  I'll grow my legs into a brother and a sister.  They'll love me and think I'm funny.  I'll grow all my limbs back and we'll all sing and dance and laugh."

She must have been pretty high because she started feeling pretty lightheaded.  And she thought, "And no one... no one... no one will ever... no one will ever..."  She had a warm feeling; a warm feeling flooded; she felt fine.  "No one will ever rape me again."

Poof.  She exploded.

The Rat RAPE

There was a rat and he wanted to bone a rat girl.  They were out in the fields, so they were cleaner than those city rats.

The guy rat wasn't ugly.  He was a regular somewhat cool rat.  The rat girl was hot as fuck though.  All the rat guys wanted to fuck her because she'd probably have good ass rat babies.

Well one day out in the fields, the one rat dude found the hot rat girl all out on her own sniffing the ground or whatever the fuck rats do out in the fields.

He scared the shit out of her on accident.

"Oh shit!  You scared me rat boy."

"Oh shit!  I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to."

"Oh you're fine.  You're fine.  Don't worry about it.  Fuck, it's mating season and I'm starting to get all hot and shit."

"Well, I'm glad I found you out here in the fields.  Let's have sex (aka fuck)."

"Oh I'm sorry rat guy.  I don't find you attractive.  I don't like how you sing and... you're not that big.  I'm gonna go find another rat dude that I would like to bone me before mating season passes like last season and I didn't get to fuck any rats."

"Well hold on a second."  The rat kid got close to the rat girl.  "Come on.  Fuck me instead."

"Nope.  I don't want to have your shitty rat babies.  Bye."

"Oh no you don't!"  The rat boy jumped on the rat girl and fucked her right on the spot.  He raped the rat girl.  When he was done he lied on his back and looked at the sky.

The rat girl scurried off to tell her rat family that she was probably pregnant now and that the species would proliferate blah blah blah.

The rat guy was still lying on his back pondering the skies and his dick was all limp and un-boner-ized.  He smiled to himself and thought, "I sure am glad I'm an animal and that there's really no such thing as rape for us."  He rubbed his bare belly and he was smiling.  His penis (aka dick) was all hanging out limp and shit and he was dozing off...

...that rat fuck all of a sudden heard some rustling in the grass where he was lying.  He didn't know how long he had been asleep for.

"What's up motherfucker."

"Oh shit!  You scared the shit out of me... who are you?"  It was dark and the rat guy couldn't tell what rat guy was talking to him.  And then, all of a sudden, a bunch of rat silhouettes appeared, surrounding him.  "Uh, hey guys... what's up?"  He sounded like a fucking pussy all of a sudden.

"Oh... we think you know what's up."

There were about fifty rats in the rat pack.  They beat the shit of the rapist rat almost to death.  He was a bloody pulp with his eyes all hanging out and shit.

"Not gonna rape again are you, you rapist motherfucker."  They all said.

"No."  He croaked out.

And then they beat the shit out of him again and killed him and one of them said:

"You're right.  You won't."  And then he spit on him.

Virginia and William: In the Fields of Howl

This one guy had never had sex before.  This guy's name was William... some people called him Dick.

This one gal had never had sex before.  Her name was Virginia, but when children tried to say her name it sounded like "Vagina."

Anyway, they both met somewhere in Nebraska; they were both from New York or Boston or Chicago.  They were both quite good looking.  Mr Dick had perfect eyebrows and a nice nose and his hair did not have an air of pretentiousness to it.

Vagina had a shy smile that made your fucking heart sink and fall in love.  She did this thing where she would look you in the eyes and then lower her gaze as if she had fucked up--shaking her head a little.

Anyway, they were in South Dakota on business and they met at a McDonald's by chance.

"Hello, I'm not from around here.  Would you happen to know where I can buy a Lamborghini?  I like to drive fast."  Dick.

"Excuse me... are you hitting on me?  Just because I'm from Indiana doesn't mean I'm going to fawn over the first guy from California that hits on me you know?"

"I'm from New York."

"I'm supposed to be impressed?  Hell, even I'm from New York."

"I can tell, actually."  Dick smiled.  "I'm Will.  What the hell are you doing out here in North Dakota?"

"Business."  She smiled and then looked down.

"Why are we in a Burger King right now?"

"No clue.  Wanna take a drive in my car?  It goes fast, and there are plenty of long roads here in Montana."  Vagina.

The girl was cool and let the guy drive her fast car and he drove it fast as hell.  The guy was happy and the girl was happy because he was happy and because she had made someone happy, if not, at least, for a little bit.

They ended up somewhere in the mountains of Wyoming.  The sun was going down or up and it was all very cool.  She parked the car somewhere cool.

"Isn't all of this lovely?  Meeting each other randomly in Missouri and we're both from New York."

"Yea... it's great!"

"You seem pretty cool, Will."

"Don't we all?"

"Maybe we are though."  And Vagina gave her sweet smile.  Dick leaned in for a kiss.

"Hah!  You wish!  And I wish too, but let's not.  Let's go to Mount Rushmore instead."

So they went to Mount Rushmore, which was only two minutes away.  They stood on the mountainous busts of ex-presidents.  Vagina took hold of Dick's hand and cuddled up against him; they were about the same height.

"Did you hear about how the world is ending?"  Vag asked.

"Yea, I just heard about that.  It's supposed to end today.  The world is gonna end today.  It's all just going to stop."

Well, the sun started setting on the hills of Idaho and Michigan.  Far off, they could see cities crumbling and people dying.  Even further away, they saw stars exploding and the universe imploding.

"Well, it's all going to shit," she said.  "Maybe it's all for the best."

"What would you do, if you could do anything, right now?"  Dick says.  "I know, at the moment, we can't just do anything... we don't have the resources.  But, if you could choose anything, what would you do?"

"Maybe some drugs or alcohol.  I would want to be at the pinnacle of an insane drug or alcohol high.  Just be beyond happy.  Beyond what normal dopamine can do.  I would want an insanely huge orgasm too."

Right there, in the middle of Montana, some drugs fell from the sky like manna.  A voice boomed over the heavens, "eat, and be merry."

The two idiots gobbled up the drugs and felt amazing.  The whole world was crashing around them and they began having sex.  They must have been on MDMA or something because everything felt more amazing... but, then again, they were both virgins, so what did they know?

She moaned her brain off.

He grunted like the caveman he was.

Her tits all up in his face.

His dick all up inside her.

The whole universe came crashing into them, and they disappeared.  They disappeared all embraced as fuck and shit.

They woke up in some fields all alone but together.  The fields were happy; they were like the fields in Howl's Moving Castle.  Everything was like living in some nostalgic wonderland of happiness and they didn't know anything else.

Nothing was corrupted.

Nothing was spoiled.

Nothing was tainted.

Nothing was rotten.

Nothing was ugly.

Nothing was shit.

Nothin' was bad.

Everything was rad.

Everything was good.

Everything was perfect.

Everything was beautiful,

And everything was forever.

Falling and Catching Up

It was dark as hell and it seemed like I was the only student on campus.  It wasn't that dark though and I wasn't the only student on campus.  The sun was still somewhere around, but it was obscured by the clouds.  So, it was gloomy and there were a shitload of clouds everywhere making an imposing, oppressive ceiling foisting weird thoughts upon the community.

I saw a girl a bit down the way.  She was across the way from the library and she had big, beautiful, flowing hair.  I wasn't doing shit when I should have been doing a lot of shit.  What difference would it make if I killed some more time?  I'm so used to killing time.

Fuck it, I thought, I bet that girl's hair smells fucking great.  I'm gonna walk past her and get a big ole whiff of that shit.

I walked past her at a good pace and got my whiff.  Yup, she smelled great.  That was nice.  I for sure would sleep with that girl, I thought--as if I wouldn't sleep with just about any girl... not because I don't have any standards, but because I'm a nice guy!  I was about to turn around to watch her make backflips in my mind when two dots in the sky caught my attention.  I looked harder and saw that the two dots were way high as fuck up in the air.

I looked around and now it really felt like I was alone on campus.  I couldn't see anyone around for shit.

I looked back up to the sky and the little dots were getting a little bigger; they were kind of right above me.  It looked like two bodies wrapped in flags falling through the sky.  I kept watching, and they kept getting bigger and bigger.

Finally, I could tell it was two bodies falling through the sky.  They were wearing dark clothing and I really hoped they were skydiving or some shit.  I really didn't want two bodies to fucking crash and splatter anywhere near me... or anywhere really... unless they were two evil ass bodies... and even then...

Anyway, right above the tallest building on campus they both stretched out their arms and legs and floated down all fucking easy going and slow and landed right in front of me.  It was two dudes.  They both had cool mustaches.  It was Hemingway and Darwin!

Sweet!  "What's up guys?  What the fuck are you guys doing at my school?"  I asked.

"We just thought we'd stop by and say hello!"  Hemingway slapped me on the back.  "Let's get some coffees."  He started walking toward the coffee shop.

"What's wrong with my mustache?  You don't like it?"  Darwin eyed me.

"Ha ha, it's great huh?  And you guys have great dark clothing on!"  I said.

"You think Hemingway's is better?  He's just lucky.  What the hell did he have to do with how his mustache grew on his face?"

"Yea, yea... and you're a bit more famous than he is aren't you?"

"Yea, yea... whatever."  He smiled and winked at me.

We went and got a bunch of coffees and caught up on a bunch of shit.  We were all wearing dark clothing.

EyeFucking Freak

This girl was all looking at me in class today, but she was looking at me like if I fucked her over or something.

She would stare at me for over five seconds and I would try to maintain her stare, but she would overpower me and I would puss out and look away... then I would look at her again and she'd still be staring me as if I had fucked her over.  Her face all screwed up.  Fucking glaring at me.

After class, I manned up, and I went up to her and asked her, "Why were you staring at me all hard in class?  Do I know you?"

"I wasn't looking at you... freak."  And she walked away wiggling her ass as she went.

Fat Boy and Thong: A Love Story

It was the first day of school, and unfortunately I was in a bad mood.  I sat all the way in the back and slouched back on the chair and threw my arms over the little desk.  People could tell I was cool and didn't give a fuck.

This fat boy walked in to class and I could tell he was in a bad mood too.  He stopped at the entrance to the room and looked around sullenly for a seat.  He pulled down on his big ass shirt to make sure his fatness wasn't hanging out I guess and his hair was all shitty and just dry, but he looked clean enough.  I could just read his mind: "yea yea, i'm fat, but i'm not going to let you all think i'm fucking dirty too.  you all just want to talk shit in your minds about how i'm fat, but at least i'm clean.  motherfuckers."

He spotted me and figured me for a fellow world-hater so he made his way over to sit by me--he probably had grand ideas about how our angst would somehow create a black hole and the class would collapse into our darkness.

We did the "what's up" nod and then I felt bad for thinking about his fatness and noticing him pulling his big ass shirt down with his chubby hands.

Some girl walked in late as all hell and spoke to the teacher in some midwestern accent; she was dressed like a nun.  She was probably from Akron, Ohio.  There was something cute about her, but she seemed lost in California.  She looked around with a worried expression on her face; nobody in class wanted anything to do with her and her non-California-ness.

As usual, the teacher had a really original idea: everyone in the room had to introduce themselves, and say what the fuck they were doing in this class.

The big guy's name was Fat Boy and he was just killing time at school because his grandpa was paying for his education.  Nobody cared and nobody was impressed.

Everybody else said regular, cool, jaded, California things, and all fellow Californians laughed at each other's cool witty comments.  Californians stick together like gay dickheads.

Then, from across the room Miss Akron, Ohio introduced herself.  "Hi, I'm Thong.  I'm from Akron, Ohio.  I'm loving California... I don't miss Akron at all."  She said enthusiastically.  Fat Boy laughed aloud by himself and then shut up real fast.  He sank in his chair and I could tell he quickly developed a deep hatred for Thong because she had fucked him over and embarrassed him.

I caught a quick glance the little nun shot over at Fat Boy.

The next day Akron Nun Girl had transformed into Wannabe Californian Bro Hoe Girl.  She strutted her shit right into class to the chagrin and dismay of the rest of the class--everyone except Fat Boy.  His hate for her dissipated a little bit.  I looked at her then at him and then at her and then at him.  She was so awkward.  She was talking to the teacher again, but this time she was sticking her butt out and showing off her awesome midriff and even more awesome thong.  Don't' get me wrong, she was cute as hell.

You know how after the first day of class you kind of expect everyone to sit in the same fucking place they did before?  You don't want anyone to fuck with the way things are!

Everyone was so uncomfortable with the way she was dressed.

Little miss Thong shoved her ass right over and sat next to Fat Boy; on his left.  "Hi."  She smiled at him, sitting all crazy and shit.  Fat Boy was so happy and just looked at her and then looked at his desk quickly.  He looked at me and I nodded at him and raised my right eyebrow suggesting that the girl was hot or interested in him or something.  He laughed.  We were all happy and comfortable in the back row.  Bunch of fucking losers.

All of a sudden Fat Boy and Thong were in their own little/big world.  They didn't give a fuck what we all thought, and Fat Boy really liked that thong.

There was happiness in the world.

Ugly Animals, Ugly Places, Ugly People

People find it easy to hate ugly animals.  The people that don't give a fuck about these ugly animals just loooove other animals.  They love beautiful animals.  I hate these guys!

And then when people talk about drilling oil from this precious planet they cry about how such beautiful environments are gonna get ruined.  These people only care about beautiful landscapes... not the ugly ones.  Fuck the ugly ones.

So... should we hate ugly people too?  Or love ugly animals and places?  Or is it all just a bunch of bull shit?  Should beauty or lack of beauty be a reason to hate or love anything?  Does beauty exist?  Ya it does.

Ugly people are so lame!

99 Girl Problems

A five year old kid is sitting on some steps outside of his house.  Another five year old kid comes over and sits next to the first kid.  Now there are two kids sitting on the steps in front of the first kid's house for a total of ten years worth of life experience.

"Man I'm bummed."

"Why's that dude?"

"Well this girl I been seeing found out I be fucking other girls too."

"So?"

"She don't like it, that's 'so' what."

"What's the big deal?"

"The big deal about me caring that she's all bummed or the big deal about fucking other girls while I have a girlfriend already?"

"Both."

"Well, I kind of like her and I don't want her to leave... I think I might love her man."

"And?"

"Ya, I don't know what the big deal is about "cheating" or whatever.  I guess we're not supposed to right?  You get in a relationship and, so, you're pretty much promising that you won't eat another girl out, right?"

"Do you care if she sucks some other dudes dick?"

"Ya, I don't want her to do that."

"Why not?"

"What?  Are you some sort of fucking psychologist now?"

"Whatever man, I don't give a fuck about any of this."

"Because it's gross dude.  She can't be going around sucking everyone's cock off.  It's fucked up to me.  She's only supposed to be sucking my cock off."

"So, it's not really because it's gross to suck cocks off, but because you're selfish and only want her to suck your cock off.  You don't want her to get around because you want to feel special that she only sucks your, and only your, cock off.  So it all boils down to being selfish.  EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE UNIQUE, SINGULAR, and SPECIAL."

"Well, what if I let her suck other cock-and-balls and then she falls in love with some other dude and then leaves me?"

"What if she sucks a million pairs of cock-and-balls, and never leaves you?  Would that be ok then?"

"...no.  That still wouldn't be cool."

"Then her leaving you or not leaving you is beside the point as to whether you want her sucking cock-and-balls.  It's that you want to feel special and like a king."

"Right, I guess so."

"Does she want to suck other balls?"

"No, she said she only wanted to suck mine, but that now she's gonna go around sucking everyone else's balls."

"It's not that she didn't want to suck anyone else's balls before.  She always wants to be sucking balls.  It's that she didn't want you sucking other titties except for hers.  She wants you all for herself, and she wants to be all yours... so that you guys will be all special and shit... so that she can feel special... see?"

"So... this is all about being selfish and feeling special?  It's not even about the other person?"

"Sure you love the other person or whatever, but it could just as well be someone else.  Or it can be someone else later.  But we love all people--just differently.  Didn't you love anyone else when you were three?  You could have just as well been born in Nantucket as a hermaphrodite sucking tits and balls and cocks and pussies and butt holes and toes and... everything.  Did you choose to be born here in Jersey before you were born?"

"I don't remember what was going on before I was born.  Maybe I was up in heaven and God let me choose."

"Ya, I guess that's possible, but there's no way for us to know that, so, you just have to assume you didn't have a choice about what you were born into."

"Right."

"Listen dude.  You're just with her because you don't want to be lonely.  PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO BE LONELY, even though, in the end, everybody dies alone and you don't get to be with anyone after you die for all we know.  We all just want to be SPECIAL SPECIAL SPECIAL.  It's all quite inconsequential and what we are all really trying to do is feel special and loved and trying to kill time by diverting our minds away from the certainty that we are perishing at an exorbitant rate.  If she's not gonna let you be with her because you're boning other chicks then either you gotta stop sucking other tits or don't get caught.  It's because she wants to feel like a princess.  And you want to feel like a king.  You want to go to the club and be all like 'ya that's right bitches my girl only sucks my cock off.'"

"Yea..."

"We ALL are special, but for some reason, frenziedly we desperately want to be widely acknowledged as such.  When someone 'cheats' on you, it is a blow to your ego and you feel worthless.  That is a shitty feeling.  Your feelings are all hurt like a little baby's.  Boohoo, I'm not special.  Then you try all hard for that person to want you again even though they're the one that fucked up!  Ha ha!  It is all so vain."

"Hmmm..."

"If you bang other chicks all the way until you both die and she never finds out, what difference will it make when you're both dead?"

"None."

"Right, you just gotta ask yourself if it's worth risking.  And since you don't want to be all lonely and shit, if you get caught you'll have to go through the trouble of finding another bitch that you can tolerate and that can tolerate you and all that bullshit."

"Right."

"So, there's no need to fucking bitch about it dude.  If you get caught, well then fuck it.  No big deal, just fucking deal with it."

"So, it's not necessarily wrong to cheat on my girlfriend because she's just with me so that she won't be lonely and because she finds me fair enough to be with?"

"I don't know why you're asking me.  But, I think at that point, it's about being honest.  I don't think you have to be honest for her sake specifically.  If you plot to get with other girls and just plan on not getting caught, then that makes you a conniving liar.  That's the only thing that's really wrong.  You're mistreating another human--that's what's wrong here, not the sucking other tits.  You gotta love people man.  If you fuck up once, then whatever, everybody fucks up all the time.  But, if you live your life as a conniving liar... that just makes you... a conniving liar."

"And that's wrong huh?"

"If God exists then yea.  Either because God said so, or because goodness is just part of his nature and being a conniving liar goes against goodness.  If there is no god, then, no, it's not wrong, because there would be no absolutely true standard of what is right or wrong.  Everything would be subjective as fuck.  EVERYTHING."

"Man, thanks for helping me out!"

"No problem dude.  I hope I helped out."

"Oh shit, look at that girl across the street... she's hot as fuck!  Too bad I'm not single--I'd bone her so fast!"

"Then you'd be a conniving fornicator.  Hey, you could bone her and then just feel bad about it.  It's not like you have to plan every time you're gonna suck other titties ha ha!  I'm sure you'd feel bad about it anyway since you're a theist, no?"

"Nah man, I don't want to be a dick to my girl.  I like her; she's cool.  I just fucked up last time.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I don't want to hurt her."

"Well if she don't find out, she don't get hurt."

"But I'll know, and I'll feel rotten.  And plus, I guess I don't want to risk hurting her feelings."

"Well, that's between you, your conscience, and The Big Guy upstairs."

"Yea... but hey!  Why don't YOU go fuck her?  You're single right?"

"Shhhiiiiitttt, that girl is hot as fuck, AND, she's like seven years old.  WAY out of my league!"

"Haha you pussy.  Let's go get some beers at my place man--my mom and my step-dad are gone for the night."

"Sick!  I'll invite some chicks."

The Sandman and Me

As is not uncommon of a thing to happen to me, an ill fate befell me.  I fell asleep in the middle of the fucking day.  I thought I was playing Zelda: Skyward Sword in the middle of the day, but I had woken up too early that day so, without knowing, I blacked out on the couch when a soporific ooze made a mush out of my brain.  I slumped and I was gone... without even knowing it.

And then my dream began.

I was wearing a cool ass fucking purple robe that was lined with gold trimmings and diamonds and I was naked underneath.  I popped off my giant, luxurious bed and stood up with a surging vitality; my good ass blood was pumping through my body all good and my heart was pumping strong because it was strong.  I stood in front of my big ass, solid-gold-framed, diamond mirror--I must have been six-foot-two.  Nice!  With my magical powers I popped an infinitely capable remote control out of nowhere into my hand and popped on Maroon 5's "Moves Like Mick Jagger" (or whatever the fuck it's called) and then I started thrusting around my room dancing my way to the liquor cabinet.

Then I popped off a bottle of whiskey and took a good chug right out of the bottle.  Why?  Because I've been watching way too much Boardwalk Empire, that's why.

And then things took a turn for the bad.  An ominous motherfucker stood at my window looking at me all creepy.  I stood six-foot-two tall and just stared back at him with my robe all open and with my dick staring him down too.  "What up biatch!"  I screamed in a high pitched gangster tone and with a lot of confidence.  I wasn't afraid of no motherfucker.  I'm never afraid in my dreams.  Sometimes, I'm sad in my dreams, but I am hardly ever afraid--never.

"Come to the front door biatch!"  I yelled in my cool high-pitched style.

I walked over to my big ass front door and opened it wide and there he was waiting.   "Sup, dude.  Who da fuck you?"

"I am The Sandman."

"Ok, ok.  Come in man.  So, what do you do?  You just cruise around in people's dreams and shit?  And you make them go insane or something?  Or you rape chicks or something?"

The biatch took off his cloak and he was dressed all normal and cool underneath.

"Shit man, I'm gonna get dressed cool too then.  I'll be right back."  I got dressed cooler than him.

"Let's go."  Alright I said.

We walked down the road for a little bit in silence.  He was a good looking dude, but there was something off about him.  He seemed empty inside.  It was as though he was an empty vessel--a machine programmed to do whatever he did.  We got to some farmhouse and a man was working the fields.  Sandman yelled out to him, "Hey!  You farmer!  Fuck you!"  The farmer looked over and gave us a sad look and then returned to his work.  "Ha ha!  That was funny huh?  He got all hurt."

"Ha ha.  I guess that was kind of funny."  I said.

We walked further and finally reached a bohemian town where everybody was cool.  People were sitting at cafés, at delis, and at wine shops.  The café people were trying to drink cooler coffees than the person sitting next to them.  The deli people were trying to convince their fellow cheese-eating cheese-heads that their palates and taste-buds were more cultivated than everybody else's... but, of course, not without being humble, because they also mentioned that they were introduced to certain cheeses by exotic monks that lived in the Himalayas--they had taken a trip there with their life partners two summers past.  The wine connoisseurs were each trying to act as if they cared less about everything than the next wino.  We walked by and heard some of the conversation.

"Oh bother.  My husband is so absurd."  Random ass lady waiting for her friend to inquire about the situation.

"Oh mine is so eccentric, but I don't care."  They both took good swigs of their wines.

"I caught my husband having sex with the maid, oh bother."  And she waved her hand flippantly in the air.  "He pulled his dick out of her and started muttering something, but I told him not to leave his mistress half-pleasured and that I was going to look through some developed prints of mine and perhaps add some filters to them."

"I told my husband that we shouldn't refer to each other as 'husband' and 'wife.'  Those terms are so archaic and conservative.  It's for the bourgeois, is what I always say.  I don't care at all."

"My husband couldn't believe it.  I don't care how many lovers he has.  I am utterly bored with even thinking about it really."

"I am so bored right now and don't care about anything.  The only thing I care about is trying to find ways to care even less about everything than I already do."  They both finished their full ass glasses of wine and filled them right back up.  And then, by mere coincidence, they both said the same thing at the same time: "I don't care about them that much, but those new Hunger Games books are ok."  And then they both downed their full glasses of wine and started making out.  It was so bohemian and cool.

"Let's sit down Danny, you little bitch."  Le Sandman told me.

"Alright biatch."

We sat down at the beer garden and ordered the most expensive beers they had.

"See the woman over there?  Man, what a knock out.  Look at those legs.  They go all the way to heaven.  They carry a princess around all day and they look so smooth and wonderful!  You know how the Orcs were made in a fiery hell at Isengard?  You know?  In the Lord of the Rings.  This girl was made at the opposite place of that place."

I looked over and saw her.  Yup.  She was fucking perfect and I fell in love with her real fast.

"I am going to show you what I do brother.  I'm gonna take her back to your place and pull her mini sartorial splendor over her head and take a good gander at those legs.  I want to see just how high they go.  I love her high heels man.  She is driving me mad."

"Ok do it.  I'll watch."

He crept over to her and his movements were perfect and he looked great.  He leaned in and whispered in her ear.  She crossed her legs.  She leaned in towards Sandman to have his voice deeper in her ear.  He put his hand on her one bare shoulder.  She shifted her hair.  Her eyes narrowed and she smiled deviously.  She turned around on her stool to face The Sandman fully.  They were so proximally close.  He leaned into her face.  She didn't move.  She spread her legs apart.  I got a boner.  It was all so bohemian and cool.

He grabbed her hand and off they went.

I followed them in a creeping manner to make sure she didn't see.  They arrived at my mansion and I sneaked in through the back unnoticed.  They were in my room and as I peered through the marginally open door, The Sandman pulled the woman's short dress over her head.  He inspected her legs as she giggled.  Her vision was restricted by her dress.  The Sandman turned and smiled at me and proclaimed "they do reach heaven!  How about that!"  The woman laughed and jumped on his face.

When they were done, The Sandman walked her to the door and I hid behind some shit and listened.

"Hey you know what?  I actually fell in love with you back there Suzy.  You're so bohemian and fun."  He didn't let go of her hand.  "You're so carefree and caring.  And your smile is genuine.  Your breath smells of sweet alcohol right now."  He kissed her and she giggled.  "You're so pure.  But..."

"What?"

"I can't see you again.  I'm sorry.  We'll never see each other again, and I can't tell you why."  He let go of her hand.  "Go be happy.  I am leaving.  Thank you."  He closed the door.

Homie walked over to me.  "Ha ha!  See that?  Damn.  She was perfect.  I wish I could marry her and have a perfect life and travel the world with her and have wild sex all the time.  I think I love her and I know I love her.  Whooo!"

"Yea, she was perfect.  When are you going to see her again?  I know you didn't mean that shit about not seeing her again."

"Yes.  Tonight.  I'll visit her in her dreams.  And then I will strangle her, but right before she dies I'll let her go.  And then I'll stab her and slit her throat."  The Sandman had his cloak on again and his head was hooded and he was brooding.  "I am just an empty evil vessel with specific instructions.  It is what I do.  See ya."

Motherfucker disappeared right in front of me.  "You're an evil fuck homie."  I said to no one.

"I know bro."  His voice echoed out of no where.

"Well... shit."  I thought.  This is all fucked up.  I pondered for a bit as I went back into my room and put on my cool robe back on and got extremely comfortable.  I changed the sheets on my bed and lied down to watch some television.  My mind wandered and wondered.  Man I really want a girl like Suzy.  So carefree and beautiful.  Ya, I want to live forever young and youthful.  And I want to run around the whole world doing fun things and ride buffalo in Ireland whenever I get the chance.  I could still smell Suzy's pussy.  "Mmmmm."

"Weird ass Sandman.  Going from dream to dream killing people, mentally disturbing people, wooing girls and then breaking their hearts.  He's not even conflicted or suffering--those things are just the things he does and is meant to do.  Strange.  Well he didn't fuck with me."  I thought these things about The Sandman.

"I can fuck with your mind bro."  The ominous echoed voice addressed my thoughts.

"No you can't."  I said aloud and then chilled back.  Homie didn't say shit back.

The new Breaking Bad season started right when I changed it to AMC channel 57.  Nice!