So, I had my hands in my pockets (and in heaven you don't even have hands or pockets), and I was walking around, just saying hello to folks.
The angels kind of keep to themselves, because they're a little bit different; we don't quite understand them, and they don't quite understand us. There is a lot in heaven that is not quite understood. I thought that once I got to heaven I would know everything. That wasn't the case.
I slowed down by two angels that were having some kinda argument. Sometimes, if the angels noticed that you were listening to them, they'd fly off somewhere to the Angel's Lounge, so that you wouldn't listen to their strange conversations.
"Hey shhhh Billy. Let me grab a cigarette," one angel whispered to the other, as I walked by in my heaven outfit.
"Man motherfucker, I ain't got no cigarettes, and I ain't had no cigarettes for a long time now, and you know that," the other was annoyed.
I bent over and picked up a bug, so that it would seem like I wasn't listening to them.
"Well, I want a cig man. Do you think we outta stop smoking?"
"Shit dude, if I got a cig right now I'd smoke it, but it fucking sucks. Once I start smoking, I need one to go to sleep."
"Ya, me too. Fuck."
"Let's go ask Gabriel if he has smokes. He's in and knows whoever to get smokes all the time."
"Ha ha! Yous crazy. You wanna ask an archangel for a smoke? He gon beat our asses you dumb ass."
"Man, I'm tired and now that you bring it up, I want a smoke. Fuck it. Let's ask him and be respectful."
"I'm in."
"Hey human," the second angel was addressing me—fuck.
I picked up a Lady Bug and turned, acting as if I hadn't been listening, "What do you angels want? What do you want? Go mind your own business. I'm trying to admire the bugs here can't you see?" I had to act annoyed, because humans were a little higher on the totem pole in heaven.
"Hey we mean no disrespect. We're gonna go get smokes from Gabriel, and we were wondering if you'd come with us. Gabriel is nicer when we're with humans. Do us a solid?"
I had to keep acting annoyed, "Man, I don't even fucking smoke. Why y'all even smoke? And why y'all wanna go bother Gabriel? He's gonna fuck us all up. Just get some of Jesus' wine and shut the fuck up."
"Nah, homie, we just haven't smoked in a while. Don't make us beg," this was the second angel talking to me the whole time.
"OK. Fuck it. I'm up for some trouble. On one condition: what's y'alls' names?"
The angels looked at each other, and the second one spoke up, "Fuck it. I'm Billy, and this is Jeremy. You know we're not suppose to get to know each o' too good. Yous humans suppose to be mo' respected."
"Man, don't tell me how it is up here. We been up here fo' a long ass time fool," I countered.
"Let's go then?" — Billy.
"Ya man, let's role...how do you guys even know where Gabriel is? He's a fucking big shot," I wondered.
"He's always behind the Angel's Lounge in the alleyway," Jeremy the angel finally spoke up.
"OK. Let's get you guys some smokes, if Gabriel will hook you up."
We walked a ways, we flew a couple million miles, we went through different warp-holes, we passed a millennia of old-school vets, we loved a million women, we flew through space, we made friends, we prayed to Jesus, we were holy, and we finally arrived behind the Angel's Lounge.
"Alright human—"
"Dude, my name is Danny."
"Sorry...Danny, go behind the alleyway, and say hello to Gabriel, and then me and Jeremy will come up behind you, and you'll acknowledge us. That'll impress Gabriel."
"Whatever."
I straightened my suit out. I put my hands in my pocket, and I started whistling 'Wake Up Dead Man," by U2, and I walked briskly behind the Angel's Lounge.
WOW. I saw him. I hadn't seen Gabriel in a long time. It was always awesome in the best sense of the word. He was just a huge fucking spectacular warrior of an angel. He was an angel that could take out an army of angels. I had never spoken to him before. He was surrounded by about five angel women. There were no humans in sight. I knew I was going to be respected because Jesus had died for us, but I was still very intimidated.
Gabriel saw me and instantly turned around and addressed me, "Lord, what are you doing around these parts? Please let me know how I can help you."
WOW. He was totally talking to me, "Archangel Gabriel, no need to call me Lord. Thank you for everything you've done for the kingdom."
"No need to thank me for anything. Always thank the LORD. How can I help you?"
"Oh...," I didn't know what to say. I thought the dumbass normal angels would have showed up by now, "Tell me. What was it like fighting the devil and his demons?"The women angels giggled, and I felt like a fool. Gabriel looked at them condescendingly and they shut the hell up. He spoke to me, "It was no joke Danny. They only look for blood and would like nothing more than to see me dead and non-existent. At every moment, they dream for my death, for the death of you, for the death of Jesus, God, and the Holy Ghost. They only have one goal on their minds: death."
"I see," I was terrified all of a sudden.
"Yes. Michael and I must worry about their wellbeing, about protecting humans, and about protecting our army of angels, and making sure that they don't take any more angels or people to their side. So, they only have one goal, and Michael and I have many goals and rules to abide by. So—to answer your question—it's a bitch, but God gives us strength, and we believe in Love, sir."
"I'm impressed Michael...I mean Gabriel! Sorry!" I fucked up.
"It's OK. It happens once in a while. There's only two of us, after all—"
That's when Jeremy and Billy showed up.
"Lord Danny, good to see you again," they both recited at the same time, and I knew they had been practicing that stupid phrase.
I turned hard and glared at them, "No need to call me Lord. I was just on my way out. Please enjoy your Lounge."
And then Billy spoke up, "Oh hello Gabriel sir. We didn't mean to interrupt," and Jeremy gave me a hard look.
Ah poor angels, I thought. They just wanted their damn cigarettes. I turned around.
"Gabriel, fine soldier and worshiper of Jesus, would you happen to have a cigarette or two. I have been drinking Jesus's wine for a couple millennia now, and I am getting a craving for some nicotine. I hope I am not insulting you by asking you," I played it off just fine.
"Lord Danny—"
"Please archangel Gabriel, do not call me Lord."
"Danny, let me send you off with a couple crates of cigarettes for your journeys."
"I would appreciate that."
And so the archangel Gabriel brought out a couple crates of cigarettes for me to take on the road, and I responded to him, "archangel Gabriel, give my best to Michael if you see him. I actually have a date with Jesus and a wife I used to have on Earth; her name is Lise Louiselle Marie Martineau. We are going to have some wine. Do you mind if I use these useful angels to help me carry these crates of cigarettes? I have known Jeremy and Billy for some time now, but if you need to speak to them, I can call other angels to help me."
"Absolutely not, please take Billy and Jeremy. They are fine angels, and I will be calling upon them for promotions soon," and then Gabriel addressed the angels, "Jeremy, please take care and say hello to your mother; you have been a great angel, and I am promoting you soon. Billy, please stop causing trouble and I will not demote you. I have a mission for you soon, and if you undertake it successfully, I will not demote you, and I will even consider promoting you. Do not fail Lord Danny, and if you do he will tell me of his troubles. Take care, all of you. Goodbye."
The angels knew better than to respond, and they simply bowed to Gabriel. Me on the other hand, "Alright Gabriel. Take care, and don't give the ladies too much of a hard time!" He laughed and I laughed, and we waved at each other goodbye.
"Enjoy your smokes Billy...Jeremy," I handed the crates over to them.
"So are you really going to have dinner with Jesus?" Jeremy was cool.
"Yup, Jeremy. I'm pretty tight with him. Listen, both of you, look me up. Let's hang out whenever. You guys are fun guys. I'll talk to you soon, OK?"
"You got it Lord Danny!" They both accidentally jinxed themselves.
"Don't call me Lord Danny—Just Danny."
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