The Rat RAPE

There was a rat and he wanted to bone a rat girl.  They were out in the fields, so they were cleaner than those city rats.

The guy rat wasn't ugly.  He was a regular somewhat cool rat.  The rat girl was hot as fuck though.  All the rat guys wanted to fuck her because she'd probably have good ass rat babies.

Well one day out in the fields, the one rat dude found the hot rat girl all out on her own sniffing the ground or whatever the fuck rats do out in the fields.

He scared the shit out of her on accident.

"Oh shit!  You scared me rat boy."

"Oh shit!  I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to."

"Oh you're fine.  You're fine.  Don't worry about it.  Fuck, it's mating season and I'm starting to get all hot and shit."

"Well, I'm glad I found you out here in the fields.  Let's have sex (aka fuck)."

"Oh I'm sorry rat guy.  I don't find you attractive.  I don't like how you sing and... you're not that big.  I'm gonna go find another rat dude that I would like to bone me before mating season passes like last season and I didn't get to fuck any rats."

"Well hold on a second."  The rat kid got close to the rat girl.  "Come on.  Fuck me instead."

"Nope.  I don't want to have your shitty rat babies.  Bye."

"Oh no you don't!"  The rat boy jumped on the rat girl and fucked her right on the spot.  He raped the rat girl.  When he was done he lied on his back and looked at the sky.

The rat girl scurried off to tell her rat family that she was probably pregnant now and that the species would proliferate blah blah blah.

The rat guy was still lying on his back pondering the skies and his dick was all limp and un-boner-ized.  He smiled to himself and thought, "I sure am glad I'm an animal and that there's really no such thing as rape for us."  He rubbed his bare belly and he was smiling.  His penis (aka dick) was all hanging out limp and shit and he was dozing off...

...that rat fuck all of a sudden heard some rustling in the grass where he was lying.  He didn't know how long he had been asleep for.

"What's up motherfucker."

"Oh shit!  You scared the shit out of me... who are you?"  It was dark and the rat guy couldn't tell what rat guy was talking to him.  And then, all of a sudden, a bunch of rat silhouettes appeared, surrounding him.  "Uh, hey guys... what's up?"  He sounded like a fucking pussy all of a sudden.

"Oh... we think you know what's up."

There were about fifty rats in the rat pack.  They beat the shit of the rapist rat almost to death.  He was a bloody pulp with his eyes all hanging out and shit.

"Not gonna rape again are you, you rapist motherfucker."  They all said.

"No."  He croaked out.

And then they beat the shit out of him again and killed him and one of them said:

"You're right.  You won't."  And then he spit on him.

Virginia and William: In the Fields of Howl

This one guy had never had sex before.  This guy's name was William... some people called him Dick.

This one gal had never had sex before.  Her name was Virginia, but when children tried to say her name it sounded like "Vagina."

Anyway, they both met somewhere in Nebraska; they were both from New York or Boston or Chicago.  They were both quite good looking.  Mr Dick had perfect eyebrows and a nice nose and his hair did not have an air of pretentiousness to it.

Vagina had a shy smile that made your fucking heart sink and fall in love.  She did this thing where she would look you in the eyes and then lower her gaze as if she had fucked up--shaking her head a little.

Anyway, they were in South Dakota on business and they met at a McDonald's by chance.

"Hello, I'm not from around here.  Would you happen to know where I can buy a Lamborghini?  I like to drive fast."  Dick.

"Excuse me... are you hitting on me?  Just because I'm from Indiana doesn't mean I'm going to fawn over the first guy from California that hits on me you know?"

"I'm from New York."

"I'm supposed to be impressed?  Hell, even I'm from New York."

"I can tell, actually."  Dick smiled.  "I'm Will.  What the hell are you doing out here in North Dakota?"

"Business."  She smiled and then looked down.

"Why are we in a Burger King right now?"

"No clue.  Wanna take a drive in my car?  It goes fast, and there are plenty of long roads here in Montana."  Vagina.

The girl was cool and let the guy drive her fast car and he drove it fast as hell.  The guy was happy and the girl was happy because he was happy and because she had made someone happy, if not, at least, for a little bit.

They ended up somewhere in the mountains of Wyoming.  The sun was going down or up and it was all very cool.  She parked the car somewhere cool.

"Isn't all of this lovely?  Meeting each other randomly in Missouri and we're both from New York."

"Yea... it's great!"

"You seem pretty cool, Will."

"Don't we all?"

"Maybe we are though."  And Vagina gave her sweet smile.  Dick leaned in for a kiss.

"Hah!  You wish!  And I wish too, but let's not.  Let's go to Mount Rushmore instead."

So they went to Mount Rushmore, which was only two minutes away.  They stood on the mountainous busts of ex-presidents.  Vagina took hold of Dick's hand and cuddled up against him; they were about the same height.

"Did you hear about how the world is ending?"  Vag asked.

"Yea, I just heard about that.  It's supposed to end today.  The world is gonna end today.  It's all just going to stop."

Well, the sun started setting on the hills of Idaho and Michigan.  Far off, they could see cities crumbling and people dying.  Even further away, they saw stars exploding and the universe imploding.

"Well, it's all going to shit," she said.  "Maybe it's all for the best."

"What would you do, if you could do anything, right now?"  Dick says.  "I know, at the moment, we can't just do anything... we don't have the resources.  But, if you could choose anything, what would you do?"

"Maybe some drugs or alcohol.  I would want to be at the pinnacle of an insane drug or alcohol high.  Just be beyond happy.  Beyond what normal dopamine can do.  I would want an insanely huge orgasm too."

Right there, in the middle of Montana, some drugs fell from the sky like manna.  A voice boomed over the heavens, "eat, and be merry."

The two idiots gobbled up the drugs and felt amazing.  The whole world was crashing around them and they began having sex.  They must have been on MDMA or something because everything felt more amazing... but, then again, they were both virgins, so what did they know?

She moaned her brain off.

He grunted like the caveman he was.

Her tits all up in his face.

His dick all up inside her.

The whole universe came crashing into them, and they disappeared.  They disappeared all embraced as fuck and shit.

They woke up in some fields all alone but together.  The fields were happy; they were like the fields in Howl's Moving Castle.  Everything was like living in some nostalgic wonderland of happiness and they didn't know anything else.

Nothing was corrupted.

Nothing was spoiled.

Nothing was tainted.

Nothing was rotten.

Nothing was ugly.

Nothing was shit.

Nothin' was bad.

Everything was rad.

Everything was good.

Everything was perfect.

Everything was beautiful,

And everything was forever.

Falling and Catching Up

It was dark as hell and it seemed like I was the only student on campus.  It wasn't that dark though and I wasn't the only student on campus.  The sun was still somewhere around, but it was obscured by the clouds.  So, it was gloomy and there were a shitload of clouds everywhere making an imposing, oppressive ceiling foisting weird thoughts upon the community.

I saw a girl a bit down the way.  She was across the way from the library and she had big, beautiful, flowing hair.  I wasn't doing shit when I should have been doing a lot of shit.  What difference would it make if I killed some more time?  I'm so used to killing time.

Fuck it, I thought, I bet that girl's hair smells fucking great.  I'm gonna walk past her and get a big ole whiff of that shit.

I walked past her at a good pace and got my whiff.  Yup, she smelled great.  That was nice.  I for sure would sleep with that girl, I thought--as if I wouldn't sleep with just about any girl... not because I don't have any standards, but because I'm a nice guy!  I was about to turn around to watch her make backflips in my mind when two dots in the sky caught my attention.  I looked harder and saw that the two dots were way high as fuck up in the air.

I looked around and now it really felt like I was alone on campus.  I couldn't see anyone around for shit.

I looked back up to the sky and the little dots were getting a little bigger; they were kind of right above me.  It looked like two bodies wrapped in flags falling through the sky.  I kept watching, and they kept getting bigger and bigger.

Finally, I could tell it was two bodies falling through the sky.  They were wearing dark clothing and I really hoped they were skydiving or some shit.  I really didn't want two bodies to fucking crash and splatter anywhere near me... or anywhere really... unless they were two evil ass bodies... and even then...

Anyway, right above the tallest building on campus they both stretched out their arms and legs and floated down all fucking easy going and slow and landed right in front of me.  It was two dudes.  They both had cool mustaches.  It was Hemingway and Darwin!

Sweet!  "What's up guys?  What the fuck are you guys doing at my school?"  I asked.

"We just thought we'd stop by and say hello!"  Hemingway slapped me on the back.  "Let's get some coffees."  He started walking toward the coffee shop.

"What's wrong with my mustache?  You don't like it?"  Darwin eyed me.

"Ha ha, it's great huh?  And you guys have great dark clothing on!"  I said.

"You think Hemingway's is better?  He's just lucky.  What the hell did he have to do with how his mustache grew on his face?"

"Yea, yea... and you're a bit more famous than he is aren't you?"

"Yea, yea... whatever."  He smiled and winked at me.

We went and got a bunch of coffees and caught up on a bunch of shit.  We were all wearing dark clothing.

EyeFucking Freak

This girl was all looking at me in class today, but she was looking at me like if I fucked her over or something.

She would stare at me for over five seconds and I would try to maintain her stare, but she would overpower me and I would puss out and look away... then I would look at her again and she'd still be staring me as if I had fucked her over.  Her face all screwed up.  Fucking glaring at me.

After class, I manned up, and I went up to her and asked her, "Why were you staring at me all hard in class?  Do I know you?"

"I wasn't looking at you... freak."  And she walked away wiggling her ass as she went.

Fat Boy and Thong: A Love Story

It was the first day of school, and unfortunately I was in a bad mood.  I sat all the way in the back and slouched back on the chair and threw my arms over the little desk.  People could tell I was cool and didn't give a fuck.

This fat boy walked in to class and I could tell he was in a bad mood too.  He stopped at the entrance to the room and looked around sullenly for a seat.  He pulled down on his big ass shirt to make sure his fatness wasn't hanging out I guess and his hair was all shitty and just dry, but he looked clean enough.  I could just read his mind: "yea yea, i'm fat, but i'm not going to let you all think i'm fucking dirty too.  you all just want to talk shit in your minds about how i'm fat, but at least i'm clean.  motherfuckers."

He spotted me and figured me for a fellow world-hater so he made his way over to sit by me--he probably had grand ideas about how our angst would somehow create a black hole and the class would collapse into our darkness.

We did the "what's up" nod and then I felt bad for thinking about his fatness and noticing him pulling his big ass shirt down with his chubby hands.

Some girl walked in late as all hell and spoke to the teacher in some midwestern accent; she was dressed like a nun.  She was probably from Akron, Ohio.  There was something cute about her, but she seemed lost in California.  She looked around with a worried expression on her face; nobody in class wanted anything to do with her and her non-California-ness.

As usual, the teacher had a really original idea: everyone in the room had to introduce themselves, and say what the fuck they were doing in this class.

The big guy's name was Fat Boy and he was just killing time at school because his grandpa was paying for his education.  Nobody cared and nobody was impressed.

Everybody else said regular, cool, jaded, California things, and all fellow Californians laughed at each other's cool witty comments.  Californians stick together like gay dickheads.

Then, from across the room Miss Akron, Ohio introduced herself.  "Hi, I'm Thong.  I'm from Akron, Ohio.  I'm loving California... I don't miss Akron at all."  She said enthusiastically.  Fat Boy laughed aloud by himself and then shut up real fast.  He sank in his chair and I could tell he quickly developed a deep hatred for Thong because she had fucked him over and embarrassed him.

I caught a quick glance the little nun shot over at Fat Boy.

The next day Akron Nun Girl had transformed into Wannabe Californian Bro Hoe Girl.  She strutted her shit right into class to the chagrin and dismay of the rest of the class--everyone except Fat Boy.  His hate for her dissipated a little bit.  I looked at her then at him and then at her and then at him.  She was so awkward.  She was talking to the teacher again, but this time she was sticking her butt out and showing off her awesome midriff and even more awesome thong.  Don't' get me wrong, she was cute as hell.

You know how after the first day of class you kind of expect everyone to sit in the same fucking place they did before?  You don't want anyone to fuck with the way things are!

Everyone was so uncomfortable with the way she was dressed.

Little miss Thong shoved her ass right over and sat next to Fat Boy; on his left.  "Hi."  She smiled at him, sitting all crazy and shit.  Fat Boy was so happy and just looked at her and then looked at his desk quickly.  He looked at me and I nodded at him and raised my right eyebrow suggesting that the girl was hot or interested in him or something.  He laughed.  We were all happy and comfortable in the back row.  Bunch of fucking losers.

All of a sudden Fat Boy and Thong were in their own little/big world.  They didn't give a fuck what we all thought, and Fat Boy really liked that thong.

There was happiness in the world.

Ugly Animals, Ugly Places, Ugly People

People find it easy to hate ugly animals.  The people that don't give a fuck about these ugly animals just loooove other animals.  They love beautiful animals.  I hate these guys!

And then when people talk about drilling oil from this precious planet they cry about how such beautiful environments are gonna get ruined.  These people only care about beautiful landscapes... not the ugly ones.  Fuck the ugly ones.

So... should we hate ugly people too?  Or love ugly animals and places?  Or is it all just a bunch of bull shit?  Should beauty or lack of beauty be a reason to hate or love anything?  Does beauty exist?  Ya it does.

Ugly people are so lame!

99 Girl Problems

A five year old kid is sitting on some steps outside of his house.  Another five year old kid comes over and sits next to the first kid.  Now there are two kids sitting on the steps in front of the first kid's house for a total of ten years worth of life experience.

"Man I'm bummed."

"Why's that dude?"

"Well this girl I been seeing found out I be fucking other girls too."

"So?"

"She don't like it, that's 'so' what."

"What's the big deal?"

"The big deal about me caring that she's all bummed or the big deal about fucking other girls while I have a girlfriend already?"

"Both."

"Well, I kind of like her and I don't want her to leave... I think I might love her man."

"And?"

"Ya, I don't know what the big deal is about "cheating" or whatever.  I guess we're not supposed to right?  You get in a relationship and, so, you're pretty much promising that you won't eat another girl out, right?"

"Do you care if she sucks some other dudes dick?"

"Ya, I don't want her to do that."

"Why not?"

"What?  Are you some sort of fucking psychologist now?"

"Whatever man, I don't give a fuck about any of this."

"Because it's gross dude.  She can't be going around sucking everyone's cock off.  It's fucked up to me.  She's only supposed to be sucking my cock off."

"So, it's not really because it's gross to suck cocks off, but because you're selfish and only want her to suck your cock off.  You don't want her to get around because you want to feel special that she only sucks your, and only your, cock off.  So it all boils down to being selfish.  EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE UNIQUE, SINGULAR, and SPECIAL."

"Well, what if I let her suck other cock-and-balls and then she falls in love with some other dude and then leaves me?"

"What if she sucks a million pairs of cock-and-balls, and never leaves you?  Would that be ok then?"

"...no.  That still wouldn't be cool."

"Then her leaving you or not leaving you is beside the point as to whether you want her sucking cock-and-balls.  It's that you want to feel special and like a king."

"Right, I guess so."

"Does she want to suck other balls?"

"No, she said she only wanted to suck mine, but that now she's gonna go around sucking everyone else's balls."

"It's not that she didn't want to suck anyone else's balls before.  She always wants to be sucking balls.  It's that she didn't want you sucking other titties except for hers.  She wants you all for herself, and she wants to be all yours... so that you guys will be all special and shit... so that she can feel special... see?"

"So... this is all about being selfish and feeling special?  It's not even about the other person?"

"Sure you love the other person or whatever, but it could just as well be someone else.  Or it can be someone else later.  But we love all people--just differently.  Didn't you love anyone else when you were three?  You could have just as well been born in Nantucket as a hermaphrodite sucking tits and balls and cocks and pussies and butt holes and toes and... everything.  Did you choose to be born here in Jersey before you were born?"

"I don't remember what was going on before I was born.  Maybe I was up in heaven and God let me choose."

"Ya, I guess that's possible, but there's no way for us to know that, so, you just have to assume you didn't have a choice about what you were born into."

"Right."

"Listen dude.  You're just with her because you don't want to be lonely.  PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO BE LONELY, even though, in the end, everybody dies alone and you don't get to be with anyone after you die for all we know.  We all just want to be SPECIAL SPECIAL SPECIAL.  It's all quite inconsequential and what we are all really trying to do is feel special and loved and trying to kill time by diverting our minds away from the certainty that we are perishing at an exorbitant rate.  If she's not gonna let you be with her because you're boning other chicks then either you gotta stop sucking other tits or don't get caught.  It's because she wants to feel like a princess.  And you want to feel like a king.  You want to go to the club and be all like 'ya that's right bitches my girl only sucks my cock off.'"

"Yea..."

"We ALL are special, but for some reason, frenziedly we desperately want to be widely acknowledged as such.  When someone 'cheats' on you, it is a blow to your ego and you feel worthless.  That is a shitty feeling.  Your feelings are all hurt like a little baby's.  Boohoo, I'm not special.  Then you try all hard for that person to want you again even though they're the one that fucked up!  Ha ha!  It is all so vain."

"Hmmm..."

"If you bang other chicks all the way until you both die and she never finds out, what difference will it make when you're both dead?"

"None."

"Right, you just gotta ask yourself if it's worth risking.  And since you don't want to be all lonely and shit, if you get caught you'll have to go through the trouble of finding another bitch that you can tolerate and that can tolerate you and all that bullshit."

"Right."

"So, there's no need to fucking bitch about it dude.  If you get caught, well then fuck it.  No big deal, just fucking deal with it."

"So, it's not necessarily wrong to cheat on my girlfriend because she's just with me so that she won't be lonely and because she finds me fair enough to be with?"

"I don't know why you're asking me.  But, I think at that point, it's about being honest.  I don't think you have to be honest for her sake specifically.  If you plot to get with other girls and just plan on not getting caught, then that makes you a conniving liar.  That's the only thing that's really wrong.  You're mistreating another human--that's what's wrong here, not the sucking other tits.  You gotta love people man.  If you fuck up once, then whatever, everybody fucks up all the time.  But, if you live your life as a conniving liar... that just makes you... a conniving liar."

"And that's wrong huh?"

"If God exists then yea.  Either because God said so, or because goodness is just part of his nature and being a conniving liar goes against goodness.  If there is no god, then, no, it's not wrong, because there would be no absolutely true standard of what is right or wrong.  Everything would be subjective as fuck.  EVERYTHING."

"Man, thanks for helping me out!"

"No problem dude.  I hope I helped out."

"Oh shit, look at that girl across the street... she's hot as fuck!  Too bad I'm not single--I'd bone her so fast!"

"Then you'd be a conniving fornicator.  Hey, you could bone her and then just feel bad about it.  It's not like you have to plan every time you're gonna suck other titties ha ha!  I'm sure you'd feel bad about it anyway since you're a theist, no?"

"Nah man, I don't want to be a dick to my girl.  I like her; she's cool.  I just fucked up last time.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I don't want to hurt her."

"Well if she don't find out, she don't get hurt."

"But I'll know, and I'll feel rotten.  And plus, I guess I don't want to risk hurting her feelings."

"Well, that's between you, your conscience, and The Big Guy upstairs."

"Yea... but hey!  Why don't YOU go fuck her?  You're single right?"

"Shhhiiiiitttt, that girl is hot as fuck, AND, she's like seven years old.  WAY out of my league!"

"Haha you pussy.  Let's go get some beers at my place man--my mom and my step-dad are gone for the night."

"Sick!  I'll invite some chicks."

The Sandman and Me

As is not uncommon of a thing to happen to me, an ill fate befell me.  I fell asleep in the middle of the fucking day.  I thought I was playing Zelda: Skyward Sword in the middle of the day, but I had woken up too early that day so, without knowing, I blacked out on the couch when a soporific ooze made a mush out of my brain.  I slumped and I was gone... without even knowing it.

And then my dream began.

I was wearing a cool ass fucking purple robe that was lined with gold trimmings and diamonds and I was naked underneath.  I popped off my giant, luxurious bed and stood up with a surging vitality; my good ass blood was pumping through my body all good and my heart was pumping strong because it was strong.  I stood in front of my big ass, solid-gold-framed, diamond mirror--I must have been six-foot-two.  Nice!  With my magical powers I popped an infinitely capable remote control out of nowhere into my hand and popped on Maroon 5's "Moves Like Mick Jagger" (or whatever the fuck it's called) and then I started thrusting around my room dancing my way to the liquor cabinet.

Then I popped off a bottle of whiskey and took a good chug right out of the bottle.  Why?  Because I've been watching way too much Boardwalk Empire, that's why.

And then things took a turn for the bad.  An ominous motherfucker stood at my window looking at me all creepy.  I stood six-foot-two tall and just stared back at him with my robe all open and with my dick staring him down too.  "What up biatch!"  I screamed in a high pitched gangster tone and with a lot of confidence.  I wasn't afraid of no motherfucker.  I'm never afraid in my dreams.  Sometimes, I'm sad in my dreams, but I am hardly ever afraid--never.

"Come to the front door biatch!"  I yelled in my cool high-pitched style.

I walked over to my big ass front door and opened it wide and there he was waiting.   "Sup, dude.  Who da fuck you?"

"I am The Sandman."

"Ok, ok.  Come in man.  So, what do you do?  You just cruise around in people's dreams and shit?  And you make them go insane or something?  Or you rape chicks or something?"

The biatch took off his cloak and he was dressed all normal and cool underneath.

"Shit man, I'm gonna get dressed cool too then.  I'll be right back."  I got dressed cooler than him.

"Let's go."  Alright I said.

We walked down the road for a little bit in silence.  He was a good looking dude, but there was something off about him.  He seemed empty inside.  It was as though he was an empty vessel--a machine programmed to do whatever he did.  We got to some farmhouse and a man was working the fields.  Sandman yelled out to him, "Hey!  You farmer!  Fuck you!"  The farmer looked over and gave us a sad look and then returned to his work.  "Ha ha!  That was funny huh?  He got all hurt."

"Ha ha.  I guess that was kind of funny."  I said.

We walked further and finally reached a bohemian town where everybody was cool.  People were sitting at cafés, at delis, and at wine shops.  The café people were trying to drink cooler coffees than the person sitting next to them.  The deli people were trying to convince their fellow cheese-eating cheese-heads that their palates and taste-buds were more cultivated than everybody else's... but, of course, not without being humble, because they also mentioned that they were introduced to certain cheeses by exotic monks that lived in the Himalayas--they had taken a trip there with their life partners two summers past.  The wine connoisseurs were each trying to act as if they cared less about everything than the next wino.  We walked by and heard some of the conversation.

"Oh bother.  My husband is so absurd."  Random ass lady waiting for her friend to inquire about the situation.

"Oh mine is so eccentric, but I don't care."  They both took good swigs of their wines.

"I caught my husband having sex with the maid, oh bother."  And she waved her hand flippantly in the air.  "He pulled his dick out of her and started muttering something, but I told him not to leave his mistress half-pleasured and that I was going to look through some developed prints of mine and perhaps add some filters to them."

"I told my husband that we shouldn't refer to each other as 'husband' and 'wife.'  Those terms are so archaic and conservative.  It's for the bourgeois, is what I always say.  I don't care at all."

"My husband couldn't believe it.  I don't care how many lovers he has.  I am utterly bored with even thinking about it really."

"I am so bored right now and don't care about anything.  The only thing I care about is trying to find ways to care even less about everything than I already do."  They both finished their full ass glasses of wine and filled them right back up.  And then, by mere coincidence, they both said the same thing at the same time: "I don't care about them that much, but those new Hunger Games books are ok."  And then they both downed their full glasses of wine and started making out.  It was so bohemian and cool.

"Let's sit down Danny, you little bitch."  Le Sandman told me.

"Alright biatch."

We sat down at the beer garden and ordered the most expensive beers they had.

"See the woman over there?  Man, what a knock out.  Look at those legs.  They go all the way to heaven.  They carry a princess around all day and they look so smooth and wonderful!  You know how the Orcs were made in a fiery hell at Isengard?  You know?  In the Lord of the Rings.  This girl was made at the opposite place of that place."

I looked over and saw her.  Yup.  She was fucking perfect and I fell in love with her real fast.

"I am going to show you what I do brother.  I'm gonna take her back to your place and pull her mini sartorial splendor over her head and take a good gander at those legs.  I want to see just how high they go.  I love her high heels man.  She is driving me mad."

"Ok do it.  I'll watch."

He crept over to her and his movements were perfect and he looked great.  He leaned in and whispered in her ear.  She crossed her legs.  She leaned in towards Sandman to have his voice deeper in her ear.  He put his hand on her one bare shoulder.  She shifted her hair.  Her eyes narrowed and she smiled deviously.  She turned around on her stool to face The Sandman fully.  They were so proximally close.  He leaned into her face.  She didn't move.  She spread her legs apart.  I got a boner.  It was all so bohemian and cool.

He grabbed her hand and off they went.

I followed them in a creeping manner to make sure she didn't see.  They arrived at my mansion and I sneaked in through the back unnoticed.  They were in my room and as I peered through the marginally open door, The Sandman pulled the woman's short dress over her head.  He inspected her legs as she giggled.  Her vision was restricted by her dress.  The Sandman turned and smiled at me and proclaimed "they do reach heaven!  How about that!"  The woman laughed and jumped on his face.

When they were done, The Sandman walked her to the door and I hid behind some shit and listened.

"Hey you know what?  I actually fell in love with you back there Suzy.  You're so bohemian and fun."  He didn't let go of her hand.  "You're so carefree and caring.  And your smile is genuine.  Your breath smells of sweet alcohol right now."  He kissed her and she giggled.  "You're so pure.  But..."

"What?"

"I can't see you again.  I'm sorry.  We'll never see each other again, and I can't tell you why."  He let go of her hand.  "Go be happy.  I am leaving.  Thank you."  He closed the door.

Homie walked over to me.  "Ha ha!  See that?  Damn.  She was perfect.  I wish I could marry her and have a perfect life and travel the world with her and have wild sex all the time.  I think I love her and I know I love her.  Whooo!"

"Yea, she was perfect.  When are you going to see her again?  I know you didn't mean that shit about not seeing her again."

"Yes.  Tonight.  I'll visit her in her dreams.  And then I will strangle her, but right before she dies I'll let her go.  And then I'll stab her and slit her throat."  The Sandman had his cloak on again and his head was hooded and he was brooding.  "I am just an empty evil vessel with specific instructions.  It is what I do.  See ya."

Motherfucker disappeared right in front of me.  "You're an evil fuck homie."  I said to no one.

"I know bro."  His voice echoed out of no where.

"Well... shit."  I thought.  This is all fucked up.  I pondered for a bit as I went back into my room and put on my cool robe back on and got extremely comfortable.  I changed the sheets on my bed and lied down to watch some television.  My mind wandered and wondered.  Man I really want a girl like Suzy.  So carefree and beautiful.  Ya, I want to live forever young and youthful.  And I want to run around the whole world doing fun things and ride buffalo in Ireland whenever I get the chance.  I could still smell Suzy's pussy.  "Mmmmm."

"Weird ass Sandman.  Going from dream to dream killing people, mentally disturbing people, wooing girls and then breaking their hearts.  He's not even conflicted or suffering--those things are just the things he does and is meant to do.  Strange.  Well he didn't fuck with me."  I thought these things about The Sandman.

"I can fuck with your mind bro."  The ominous echoed voice addressed my thoughts.

"No you can't."  I said aloud and then chilled back.  Homie didn't say shit back.

The new Breaking Bad season started right when I changed it to AMC channel 57.  Nice!

What Is The Meaning Of All Of This?

There is another reality separate from the one we know.  The other reality is truer than this one and was around before this one.  Over there it makes sense that God has existed before after and after before and forever in between: "I AM THAT I AM."

God decided to create this crazy world for some reason known to God, but not, now, known to us: "Can you by searching find out God?"  No.

God blasted out our existence in the Big Bang.

Maybe trillions of years went by...
Maybe billions of years went by...
Maybe millions of years went by...
Maybe thousands of years went by...
Maybe hundreds of years went by...

And then man and woman begot each other and started pondering the oddities of existence--oddities to us.  The same oddities need not be absurdities, and, also, need not be contradictions though--unless one does not believe in a divine creator.

For the most part, we all end up confused as to what the fuck is going on here.

It is like when all your friends are getting drunk and you're like "ya! fuck it! i want in!" and then you end up in jail.  Or like when all your friends are smoking weed and you're like "ya! fuck it! i want in!" and then you end up high as fuck and scared as hell and then you have anxiety for the rest of your life.  Confounding!

God was thinking: Yes, I made man and woman.  One pokes the other with his dick between her legs and they both feel bomb.  I made the raddest feeling ever!  An orgasm!  Now even if they don't want to have babies they'll at least fuck and propagate on accident!  Look at them go!  I blew their minds with sex!  Haha!

And so we are kept in a perfect balance of happiness and unhappiness--of fervent desire and abysmal depression, of voracious appetite and of utter disinterested appetite, of unwavering heroism and of crippling fear.  We are never fully one way or the other, so, our minds are ever distracted until the final moments of our lives before we pass away.  It could be right before an accident.  It could be at 100 years of age.  And then we wonder, "What the fuck just happened?  How did I get here?  Why did I do nothing!?  I could have just as easily committed suicide fifty years ago and there would have been not a difference!  What is the meaning of all of this?"

What is the meaning of all of this?  To not search for understanding and truth is terrifying madness; that madness one will encounter at the end of one's life if one does not lead a life always pursuing understanding and truth.

But, maybe, there are people who live absentmindedly and die absentmindedly?

And so the world keeps turning and our lives, and the human race in general, race toward an inevitable end.  How will it all end?

Old Tour Memories

I remember a good time.  A time when things were much simpler.  I was on tour as a roadie for an old band named Noise Ratchet and we were somewhere in Canada.  The tour manager, Brandon Young (the drummer and now drummer of Delta Spirit), the guitarist, and I went to some dance club where drinks either costed a looney or a tooney.  I drank some drinks and I felt cool as a cucumber.  At the end of the night I was dancing with a tall big woman and sucking on her neck.

We got back to the hotel, but as usual Brandon and I wanted to continue partying so we took out the beers we had stolen from the venue and played some poker; we had to play on the ground near the bathroom because everyone else was asleep and wanted the lights off--we used the bathroom light to light our cards.  Drunk off of around seven drinks or so, I felt fucking great and so carefree.  I stood up to take a piss and as I was pissing into the toilet Brandon was shuffling the cards or some shit and, as usual, he was shirtless.  I turned and started peeing all over his back.

"Ah you dirty son of a bitch!"  And then we had some laughs and went to sleep.  Noise Ratchet was on tour with My Chemical Romance and Avenged Sevenfold.