We had to be at the Nokia Theatre by 11am. So, I got there at 10am to scope out the terrain in case I needed to sneak in, or sneak other people in, or in case there was a terrorist attack and that way I'd be familiar with strategic points of interest to either help those in danger, get out, or kill the terrorists. The security was pretty fucking tight, but not impenetrable.
The rest of Young the Giant's guests all showed up and we all got our passes and shit and got escorted in. We were going to enjoy the whole show and then get to be on stage for Young the Giant's performance. I saw the Young dudes walking around and said what's up and congratulated them and thanked them again.
Since we were there so early we were allowed to watch the whole rehearsal of the show, which is pretty much like watching the show live, but without three thousand people there (they even do the commercial breaks). We were all led onto the stage to watch the rehearsal, and as we were walking in through the backstage area I noticed little island bars all over the place. Our host stopped us and told us that if we wanted to we could get a complimentary shot of Patron Tequila and a Stella Artois beer and that they preferred if we did to loosen up, so I went to the nearest bar and obliged. Then, I went to a different island bar and obliged again.
After walking past a very haggard and tired looking Britney Spears we were given seats and the show was fucking sweet! There was only 300 of us hanging out on stage and on the floor if we wanted! All the artists had to perform as if the place was packed for filming and editing purposes and we were all yelling at them. I had no clue it was Lady Gaga when she came out looking like a greaser dude. Kanye West and Jay Z were awesome. Bruno Mars was awesome. The whole thing was sweet.
There was a cute girl sitting next to me that looked like she was 15, but since you had to be 18 to get in I figured she was 18 and since I was feeling good I asked her to dance and then everyone started dancing. Next thing you know I was making out with her while Adele sang for us.
After rehearsal we walked backstage and The Killers were hanging out at a bar so I took a picture with them. We were then told to wait in backstage rooms for the show to start. I wandered around outside near the tour buses and trailers and I caught a glimpse of the biggest ass I had ever seen! Nicki Minaj! A gravitational force attracted me towards her and I obliged the compelling and beautiful force. It was an obliging night! She was walking toward a trailer so I quickened my pace to hopefully catch up and ask her if I could grab that ass. I was about ten feet away from her when I was blindsided by a big motherfucker putting his arm in front of me and making me crash it and then he was pushing me back. I instinctively pushed him hard and said "Hey fuck you man!" I looked over and Minaj was gone.
The security guard said, "Hey you little fucker you can't talk to her without permission."
To which I replied, "Fuck you dickhead." I turned around, but it was too late. The fucker pushed me behind the trailer and out some fucking fence and said, "You're out of here! Don't come back!" I was outside the fence that surrounded the whole event, I yelled "Fat Punk Bitch!" Since I had already scoped out the territory I easily sneaked back in.
Again wandering around backstage, I had some drinks with Brandon Flowers and I asked him HOW The Killers wrote "Human" and "When You Were Young" and told him that I loved those songs. He said "Human" was partly inspired by Hunter S. Thompson which is pretty cool. I still didn't know HOW they wrote those songs so I just kept asking him and he just kept laughing. Then I was talking to Kanye and having drinks. He was telling me about his tour in Australia with U2 and the parties they had when someone bumped me from behind, making me spill my whole margarita on myself. Kanye was laughing at me super hard when I turned around to see who fucked me--it was Nicki Minaj! She was all like, "Oh honey I'm so sorry about that! Oh you're all wet!" And I was just staring at her.
Then she told me I was about the same size as one of the dancers dancing that night and that we'd ask him for a shirt and I said "Sure!" She grabbed my hand and took me to the trailers and then led me into one of them. I couldn't believe this was happening! I sat down on one of the couches and she went to the back room and she told me to take my shirt off. As you already know, I was at this point a virgin and planning on being one my whole life to get into heaven super pure and so Jesus would be extra happy with me and give me a bigger mansion than everyone else in heaven. Nicki Minaj came back into the living room wearing the tiniest lingerie possible that was trying to not be on her body and then she sat on my lap facing me and kissed me and said "Is this okay? I thought I could give you a good time to make up for embarrassing you in front of Kanye and getting you all wet." I stuttered, "but, but, I'm not tall or dark, and I don't sell coke." And then she said, "but you're pretty cute and I said 'MIGHT sell coke' so you don't have to." Then we made out a bunch while we both got naked all the way except for her high heels and then we went to the room and had insane, uninhibited, weird, amazing, great sex.
Now, since I AM a gentleman I won't go into the details--she went down on me in a mighty, elaborate, and passionate way and I got her on her back and slowly (SLOWLY) worked my way down her body from her breasts in the air to her pot of gold and she tasted like a bouquet of flowers smells, then we went sixty-nine (69) for a while with my hands on that ass, but with that ass, doggy style was the best... ya, I had sex with Nicki Minaj and she took my virginity! After sex we agreed to make a sex-tape sometime in the future.
I ran around the rest of the night at the VMAs pulling pranks with Katy Perry and her husband. Then they invited me to this crazy after party where we all got drunk and hung out with the Jersey Shore folks and Nicki Minaj was there so we had sex again in the bathroom, but that time I didn't lose my virginity. We danced all night and got into a couple of fights.
At the end of the night I found myself on the windy rooftop of the hotel Nicki was staying at overlooking all of Hollywood. It was just Christian Bale and me swapping old war stories and talking shit while we drank some beers. He kept spitting over the side of the building and saying, "Man, all we are is dust in the wind" in his cool British accent. It was great.
Finally, I returned to Nicki's room and I fell asleep with her after having more sex and I left her a love letter in the morning, but as I was leaving she caught me and gave me the sweetest goodbye kiss, and told me "You're the best lover I've ever had and will ever have," and we agreed to see each other again.
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