What Would Christian Bale Do? All That We Know Is Madness And We Don't Even Know It!

I have anxiety.  I'm not talking about just having worries or nervousness.  I'd be the guy sitting next to you in the subway twitching and coughing and shit; generally creeping you out.  I don't have it as bad as some, and I have it worse than others.  I have a theory as to how and why I have it: a combination of getting WAY too high one time and then thinking I couldn't breathe a different time.  Maybe that means I have post traumatic stress disorder.  Who knows.  I've dealt with this bullshit for a while now so I've learned to manage it somewhat, so now it's more of an internal shitty-ness that does not manifest itself much physically and/or outwardly.

Because I have this anxiety problem I am prone to thinking about shitty-ness all fucking day and night.  I fucking bathe and soak in shitty thoughts--I marinate in that shit.  If I have an itch I freak out.  If my arm falls asleep I freak out.  If my leg falls asleep I really freak out.  Right before I fall asleep I freak out.  When I'm tired in the middle of the day I wonder why, and resign myself to thinking that it is probably because I am sick and don't know it.  Hypochondriac status, right?

Music and movies soothe my soul though.  They're amazing and I'm thankful for that shit.

Pre-anxiety life, I was a happy-go-lucky-don't-give-a-fuck-about-anything-drive-120mph-whenever-I-can kind of guy.  I thought about deep shit like the meaning of life and death, but my attitude towards shit like that was akin to my attitude towards unicorns: that'd be cool if they existed and if they did I'd ride one and it'd be fun.

Then I freaked out.  First I was paralyzed and made constant hospital trips.  The damn doctors kept telling me there was absolutely nothing wrong with me other than that I had anxiety.

"What's anxiety, doctor?"

"Oh, well that's when you feel anxiety and fear for no reason."

Fuck those guys.  How could I feel like this and have absolutely nothing wrong with me?  I was sure I had AIDS or Cancer or SOMETHING!  And no, I didn't think I had AIDS because I've had sex with like a million exotic and non-exotic supermodels.  So, they tried to give me anti-depressants.

"So..." Doctor looking at my file, "I think you should try some anti-depressants because some corporation is paying me to recommend them.  Do you ever think about suicide?"

"Uh... no.  That's why I'm here doc...  because I DON'T want to die.  No thanks.  I'm not depressed.  I'm just scared.  Thanks anyway."

So I went home.  Sad, scared, bummed out, and hopeless.  Drinking was only putting off the problem and making it worse so that didn't help.  Thanks for ruining drinking for me Anxiety.  There was no road out for me but through the thick, haunted forest of anxiety.  Either I'd walk through the forest and wrestle with my demons and die or come out victorious at the other end, or I'd be a scared little pussy my whole life.

I read a story somewhere about Christian Bale and what he would do as a young child.  Apparently, he lived near a forest and at night he would walk into the forest with his eyes closed hoping to get lost and focusing on strange and scary noises in order to scare himself.  He was immersing himself in fear in order to experience it, understand it, and perhaps conquer it.  He would gain wisdom from his experience.  You have to search out the fear and you have to enjoy the fear.  Become it and by doing so conquer it... like when Neo succumbs to what he cannot control and ends up becoming ultimately in control of it.

So, I thought to myself, "What Would Christian Bale Do?"  I decided to walk into the forest and enjoy the motherfucking ride!  I would conquer Fear and so Fear would have no dominion over me!  I walked into the darkness to gain my own wisdom and the only light shining was my hope--which was probably the same hope Jesus clung to for better things to come after the cross.

Once I got lost in the forest, not unlike Alice when that damn dog with a brush on his face brushed away the path, I found a comfortable stump to sit on and I couldn't help but think about shitty things.  I found that I now cried easily watching sad or happy parts in movies because of empathy.  Shit, now I cry for anything!  I kept thinking about how shitty my circumstances were.  I dwelt and dwelt on myself, trying to figure out what this was all about.  How can my life be so terrible?  And I counted the ways how my life was worse than everybody else's.  But, trying not to lose sight of being logical and falling forever into self-pity, I fought off those ideas of pseudo martyrdom and self-aggrandizement.  There are others with shittier lives than me!

Does a fucked up bum that lives in Chicago in the winter that is going through heroin withdrawals and was beaten his whole life have a worse life than a twelve year old African girl who has AIDS, has been raped repeatedly and whose parents just died and left her to take care of her starving siblings where there is no food?  How does the insane patient that is locked up in a windowless room in the most poverty stricken part of Russia and that loses his mind every second of every day and has nightmares when he "sleeps" rank?  Surely, my dumb-ass has a worse life!  In all seriousness, though, there are many terrible lives being lived out there.

This shit is worth thinking about--maybe it's the most important shit to think about.

We are all as good as dead.  Our kids are all as good as dead.  EVERYTHING is done for.  Everything is fucked.  The odd thing is that this news is not bad news!  This is the good news!

You have to accept the incredibly and completely dire situation we are all in so that you can truly and fully know happiness.  We are all going to die.  Now that you know that we are all fucked (in this life on Earth) you can live life freely and uninhibited!  No popularity actually matters!  We're all as good as dead.  The physical is nothing compared to your eternal soul and spirit!  Let your soul rejoice.  You are no slave.  You are no slave to ignorance!  The absolute worst thing that can happen to you on Earth is that someone can torture you and your family in front of you while keeping you alive for 100 or so years.  Or perhaps the worst thing that can ever happen to you is that you follow all the rules that you're "supposed" to follow because "society" dictates that you should and you end up living a stressed out, meaningless, shitty life that is wasted.  Or maybe the worse that could happen would be getting raped every day of your life.  But...

Torture, despair, illness, shitty-ness and all evil things will always be finite and thus always powerless over you and your eternal soul.  Goodness is forever.  So 100 or so years of shit is nothing compared to an eternity of bad-ass-ness when all bad things come to an end and Jesus comes to Earth from the heavens riding some bad ass white stallion or whatever.

Knowing how terrible life is here on Earth, we should be completely amazed, electrified, and delighted when even the smallest joy or blessing comes our way or our neighbors' (everyone in the world) way.  That is why to know the terrible truth is good news--because it gives us perspective, and knowledge!  How amazing it is to be in the group of people that have ever experienced pleasure or joy when terrible calamities are ever present at our doorsteps and unfathomably worse, petrifying, monstrous, disturbing, horrifying, nightmarish, dreadful, disquieting, traumatic, hellish lives could have been our own.  Knowing the terrible truth also let's us know that we don't have much to lose here on Earth because everything is already lost and fucked, so, we get to live every day like it's our last because it very well could be and because 100 years might as well be one day when compared to a million!  If everything is fucked then there is no need to worry about it any more.  There is nothing we can do about it.  We can now fully enjoy life because we have this knowledge.  It's like a game you cannot win.  If you already know you are going to lose whatever game you are playing, but must play it anyway, then you might as well enjoy it right?  Because to do otherwise would be absurd.  You are stuck in a shitty situation from which you cannot escape so why fret and worry and stress yourself about it?  There is nothing you can do about it.  It is all completely out of your control.  You might as well embrace it and enjoy it instead of making it worse!  If you fight it you will only be confused and miserable.  Follow the rabbit down the hole and you will find and have to accept the terrible, terrifying truth.

You have to enjoy the fear.  It will always be there.  Make it your friend.  When you accept that it will always be there you can begin to learn to use it, control it, make it your bitch.  Make the best of it.  It will always be there though... sometimes it will get out of hand, but you'll learn to live with it.

Accepting and understanding your plight (as terrible as it might be) frees you of the chains of despair because you know they are finite.  Your physical body will eventually die.  The suffering will end when you die and true happiness and joy will be forever.  Thus, your soul can be happy while you are being raped by evil and the grim reaper at the same time.  But rejoice that no one can fuck your soul!  Your soul is unaffected and beautiful!  And beauty is no subject of the physical that can be tyrannous.

We are all experiencing Life and Life is good, but it has been tainted by Death and Sin.  Considering there are people out there who live the terrible lives I described earlier, we should know that if we have ever experienced Joy then we have had more than our share of Joy.  And since we have had more than our share of Joy it is our duty to fight to the death to stop the plight of those that actually have the worst lives. The worst that can happen is that you die, but hell, at least you got to taste the sweet nectar of Joy and there is more Joy to come after death.

Enjoy the fear.  Experience the fear, anxiety, and panic.  Understand it.  Meditate on it.  Contemplate it.  Behold it for the strange thing that it is.  Enjoy the experience of it instead of letting it beat the shit out of you.  It's exciting!  Let it wash over you and then have it push you up.  Rising above it.

Our neighbors are all being tortured to death and raped and we don't give a fuck.  No matter what depravity though, Hope is in reach in ANY circumstance.  It will ALWAYS be there for you to have.  Hope was given to us as a gift on the cross.  No evil can blemish your soul because Jesus, the perfect, unblemished, pure sacrificial lamb of God and true martyr has made it as white as snow and taken away the sins of the world.  As long as you have Hope you'll be alright because our Hopes lie in things to come and not in this shitty fucked up life.

That's right bitches.  I got all Jesus on your asses.

If life sucks for my homie, then life sucks for me and I'm gonna try and make it better for him/her.  That's pretty much what Jesus said and that's what I say.

I must say, though, all of this MADNESS and SICKNESS is STAGGERING.  It makes me sad, scared, and bummed out, but I will hold on to my Hope--just hold on to Hope for dear Life.  Fear not brothers and sisters, take heart and have courage for we will all get better, and, in the end, we will be fucking perfect.  This I promise.

I'll finish with a George Harrison quote: "Everything else can wait, but the search for God cannot wait; and love one another."