Fat Boy and Thong: A Love Story

It was the first day of school, and unfortunately I was in a bad mood.  I sat all the way in the back and slouched back on the chair and threw my arms over the little desk.  People could tell I was cool and didn't give a fuck.

This fat boy walked in to class and I could tell he was in a bad mood too.  He stopped at the entrance to the room and looked around sullenly for a seat.  He pulled down on his big ass shirt to make sure his fatness wasn't hanging out I guess and his hair was all shitty and just dry, but he looked clean enough.  I could just read his mind: "yea yea, i'm fat, but i'm not going to let you all think i'm fucking dirty too.  you all just want to talk shit in your minds about how i'm fat, but at least i'm clean.  motherfuckers."

He spotted me and figured me for a fellow world-hater so he made his way over to sit by me--he probably had grand ideas about how our angst would somehow create a black hole and the class would collapse into our darkness.

We did the "what's up" nod and then I felt bad for thinking about his fatness and noticing him pulling his big ass shirt down with his chubby hands.

Some girl walked in late as all hell and spoke to the teacher in some midwestern accent; she was dressed like a nun.  She was probably from Akron, Ohio.  There was something cute about her, but she seemed lost in California.  She looked around with a worried expression on her face; nobody in class wanted anything to do with her and her non-California-ness.

As usual, the teacher had a really original idea: everyone in the room had to introduce themselves, and say what the fuck they were doing in this class.

The big guy's name was Fat Boy and he was just killing time at school because his grandpa was paying for his education.  Nobody cared and nobody was impressed.

Everybody else said regular, cool, jaded, California things, and all fellow Californians laughed at each other's cool witty comments.  Californians stick together like gay dickheads.

Then, from across the room Miss Akron, Ohio introduced herself.  "Hi, I'm Thong.  I'm from Akron, Ohio.  I'm loving California... I don't miss Akron at all."  She said enthusiastically.  Fat Boy laughed aloud by himself and then shut up real fast.  He sank in his chair and I could tell he quickly developed a deep hatred for Thong because she had fucked him over and embarrassed him.

I caught a quick glance the little nun shot over at Fat Boy.

The next day Akron Nun Girl had transformed into Wannabe Californian Bro Hoe Girl.  She strutted her shit right into class to the chagrin and dismay of the rest of the class--everyone except Fat Boy.  His hate for her dissipated a little bit.  I looked at her then at him and then at her and then at him.  She was so awkward.  She was talking to the teacher again, but this time she was sticking her butt out and showing off her awesome midriff and even more awesome thong.  Don't' get me wrong, she was cute as hell.

You know how after the first day of class you kind of expect everyone to sit in the same fucking place they did before?  You don't want anyone to fuck with the way things are!

Everyone was so uncomfortable with the way she was dressed.

Little miss Thong shoved her ass right over and sat next to Fat Boy; on his left.  "Hi."  She smiled at him, sitting all crazy and shit.  Fat Boy was so happy and just looked at her and then looked at his desk quickly.  He looked at me and I nodded at him and raised my right eyebrow suggesting that the girl was hot or interested in him or something.  He laughed.  We were all happy and comfortable in the back row.  Bunch of fucking losers.

All of a sudden Fat Boy and Thong were in their own little/big world.  They didn't give a fuck what we all thought, and Fat Boy really liked that thong.

There was happiness in the world.

Ugly Animals, Ugly Places, Ugly People

People find it easy to hate ugly animals.  The people that don't give a fuck about these ugly animals just loooove other animals.  They love beautiful animals.  I hate these guys!

And then when people talk about drilling oil from this precious planet they cry about how such beautiful environments are gonna get ruined.  These people only care about beautiful landscapes... not the ugly ones.  Fuck the ugly ones.

So... should we hate ugly people too?  Or love ugly animals and places?  Or is it all just a bunch of bull shit?  Should beauty or lack of beauty be a reason to hate or love anything?  Does beauty exist?  Ya it does.

Ugly people are so lame!

99 Girl Problems

A five year old kid is sitting on some steps outside of his house.  Another five year old kid comes over and sits next to the first kid.  Now there are two kids sitting on the steps in front of the first kid's house for a total of ten years worth of life experience.

"Man I'm bummed."

"Why's that dude?"

"Well this girl I been seeing found out I be fucking other girls too."

"So?"

"She don't like it, that's 'so' what."

"What's the big deal?"

"The big deal about me caring that she's all bummed or the big deal about fucking other girls while I have a girlfriend already?"

"Both."

"Well, I kind of like her and I don't want her to leave... I think I might love her man."

"And?"

"Ya, I don't know what the big deal is about "cheating" or whatever.  I guess we're not supposed to right?  You get in a relationship and, so, you're pretty much promising that you won't eat another girl out, right?"

"Do you care if she sucks some other dudes dick?"

"Ya, I don't want her to do that."

"Why not?"

"What?  Are you some sort of fucking psychologist now?"

"Whatever man, I don't give a fuck about any of this."

"Because it's gross dude.  She can't be going around sucking everyone's cock off.  It's fucked up to me.  She's only supposed to be sucking my cock off."

"So, it's not really because it's gross to suck cocks off, but because you're selfish and only want her to suck your cock off.  You don't want her to get around because you want to feel special that she only sucks your, and only your, cock off.  So it all boils down to being selfish.  EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE UNIQUE, SINGULAR, and SPECIAL."

"Well, what if I let her suck other cock-and-balls and then she falls in love with some other dude and then leaves me?"

"What if she sucks a million pairs of cock-and-balls, and never leaves you?  Would that be ok then?"

"...no.  That still wouldn't be cool."

"Then her leaving you or not leaving you is beside the point as to whether you want her sucking cock-and-balls.  It's that you want to feel special and like a king."

"Right, I guess so."

"Does she want to suck other balls?"

"No, she said she only wanted to suck mine, but that now she's gonna go around sucking everyone else's balls."

"It's not that she didn't want to suck anyone else's balls before.  She always wants to be sucking balls.  It's that she didn't want you sucking other titties except for hers.  She wants you all for herself, and she wants to be all yours... so that you guys will be all special and shit... so that she can feel special... see?"

"So... this is all about being selfish and feeling special?  It's not even about the other person?"

"Sure you love the other person or whatever, but it could just as well be someone else.  Or it can be someone else later.  But we love all people--just differently.  Didn't you love anyone else when you were three?  You could have just as well been born in Nantucket as a hermaphrodite sucking tits and balls and cocks and pussies and butt holes and toes and... everything.  Did you choose to be born here in Jersey before you were born?"

"I don't remember what was going on before I was born.  Maybe I was up in heaven and God let me choose."

"Ya, I guess that's possible, but there's no way for us to know that, so, you just have to assume you didn't have a choice about what you were born into."

"Right."

"Listen dude.  You're just with her because you don't want to be lonely.  PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO BE LONELY, even though, in the end, everybody dies alone and you don't get to be with anyone after you die for all we know.  We all just want to be SPECIAL SPECIAL SPECIAL.  It's all quite inconsequential and what we are all really trying to do is feel special and loved and trying to kill time by diverting our minds away from the certainty that we are perishing at an exorbitant rate.  If she's not gonna let you be with her because you're boning other chicks then either you gotta stop sucking other tits or don't get caught.  It's because she wants to feel like a princess.  And you want to feel like a king.  You want to go to the club and be all like 'ya that's right bitches my girl only sucks my cock off.'"

"Yea..."

"We ALL are special, but for some reason, frenziedly we desperately want to be widely acknowledged as such.  When someone 'cheats' on you, it is a blow to your ego and you feel worthless.  That is a shitty feeling.  Your feelings are all hurt like a little baby's.  Boohoo, I'm not special.  Then you try all hard for that person to want you again even though they're the one that fucked up!  Ha ha!  It is all so vain."

"Hmmm..."

"If you bang other chicks all the way until you both die and she never finds out, what difference will it make when you're both dead?"

"None."

"Right, you just gotta ask yourself if it's worth risking.  And since you don't want to be all lonely and shit, if you get caught you'll have to go through the trouble of finding another bitch that you can tolerate and that can tolerate you and all that bullshit."

"Right."

"So, there's no need to fucking bitch about it dude.  If you get caught, well then fuck it.  No big deal, just fucking deal with it."

"So, it's not necessarily wrong to cheat on my girlfriend because she's just with me so that she won't be lonely and because she finds me fair enough to be with?"

"I don't know why you're asking me.  But, I think at that point, it's about being honest.  I don't think you have to be honest for her sake specifically.  If you plot to get with other girls and just plan on not getting caught, then that makes you a conniving liar.  That's the only thing that's really wrong.  You're mistreating another human--that's what's wrong here, not the sucking other tits.  You gotta love people man.  If you fuck up once, then whatever, everybody fucks up all the time.  But, if you live your life as a conniving liar... that just makes you... a conniving liar."

"And that's wrong huh?"

"If God exists then yea.  Either because God said so, or because goodness is just part of his nature and being a conniving liar goes against goodness.  If there is no god, then, no, it's not wrong, because there would be no absolutely true standard of what is right or wrong.  Everything would be subjective as fuck.  EVERYTHING."

"Man, thanks for helping me out!"

"No problem dude.  I hope I helped out."

"Oh shit, look at that girl across the street... she's hot as fuck!  Too bad I'm not single--I'd bone her so fast!"

"Then you'd be a conniving fornicator.  Hey, you could bone her and then just feel bad about it.  It's not like you have to plan every time you're gonna suck other titties ha ha!  I'm sure you'd feel bad about it anyway since you're a theist, no?"

"Nah man, I don't want to be a dick to my girl.  I like her; she's cool.  I just fucked up last time.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I don't want to hurt her."

"Well if she don't find out, she don't get hurt."

"But I'll know, and I'll feel rotten.  And plus, I guess I don't want to risk hurting her feelings."

"Well, that's between you, your conscience, and The Big Guy upstairs."

"Yea... but hey!  Why don't YOU go fuck her?  You're single right?"

"Shhhiiiiitttt, that girl is hot as fuck, AND, she's like seven years old.  WAY out of my league!"

"Haha you pussy.  Let's go get some beers at my place man--my mom and my step-dad are gone for the night."

"Sick!  I'll invite some chicks."

The Sandman and Me

As is not uncommon of a thing to happen to me, an ill fate befell me.  I fell asleep in the middle of the fucking day.  I thought I was playing Zelda: Skyward Sword in the middle of the day, but I had woken up too early that day so, without knowing, I blacked out on the couch when a soporific ooze made a mush out of my brain.  I slumped and I was gone... without even knowing it.

And then my dream began.

I was wearing a cool ass fucking purple robe that was lined with gold trimmings and diamonds and I was naked underneath.  I popped off my giant, luxurious bed and stood up with a surging vitality; my good ass blood was pumping through my body all good and my heart was pumping strong because it was strong.  I stood in front of my big ass, solid-gold-framed, diamond mirror--I must have been six-foot-two.  Nice!  With my magical powers I popped an infinitely capable remote control out of nowhere into my hand and popped on Maroon 5's "Moves Like Mick Jagger" (or whatever the fuck it's called) and then I started thrusting around my room dancing my way to the liquor cabinet.

Then I popped off a bottle of whiskey and took a good chug right out of the bottle.  Why?  Because I've been watching way too much Boardwalk Empire, that's why.

And then things took a turn for the bad.  An ominous motherfucker stood at my window looking at me all creepy.  I stood six-foot-two tall and just stared back at him with my robe all open and with my dick staring him down too.  "What up biatch!"  I screamed in a high pitched gangster tone and with a lot of confidence.  I wasn't afraid of no motherfucker.  I'm never afraid in my dreams.  Sometimes, I'm sad in my dreams, but I am hardly ever afraid--never.

"Come to the front door biatch!"  I yelled in my cool high-pitched style.

I walked over to my big ass front door and opened it wide and there he was waiting.   "Sup, dude.  Who da fuck you?"

"I am The Sandman."

"Ok, ok.  Come in man.  So, what do you do?  You just cruise around in people's dreams and shit?  And you make them go insane or something?  Or you rape chicks or something?"

The biatch took off his cloak and he was dressed all normal and cool underneath.

"Shit man, I'm gonna get dressed cool too then.  I'll be right back."  I got dressed cooler than him.

"Let's go."  Alright I said.

We walked down the road for a little bit in silence.  He was a good looking dude, but there was something off about him.  He seemed empty inside.  It was as though he was an empty vessel--a machine programmed to do whatever he did.  We got to some farmhouse and a man was working the fields.  Sandman yelled out to him, "Hey!  You farmer!  Fuck you!"  The farmer looked over and gave us a sad look and then returned to his work.  "Ha ha!  That was funny huh?  He got all hurt."

"Ha ha.  I guess that was kind of funny."  I said.

We walked further and finally reached a bohemian town where everybody was cool.  People were sitting at cafés, at delis, and at wine shops.  The café people were trying to drink cooler coffees than the person sitting next to them.  The deli people were trying to convince their fellow cheese-eating cheese-heads that their palates and taste-buds were more cultivated than everybody else's... but, of course, not without being humble, because they also mentioned that they were introduced to certain cheeses by exotic monks that lived in the Himalayas--they had taken a trip there with their life partners two summers past.  The wine connoisseurs were each trying to act as if they cared less about everything than the next wino.  We walked by and heard some of the conversation.

"Oh bother.  My husband is so absurd."  Random ass lady waiting for her friend to inquire about the situation.

"Oh mine is so eccentric, but I don't care."  They both took good swigs of their wines.

"I caught my husband having sex with the maid, oh bother."  And she waved her hand flippantly in the air.  "He pulled his dick out of her and started muttering something, but I told him not to leave his mistress half-pleasured and that I was going to look through some developed prints of mine and perhaps add some filters to them."

"I told my husband that we shouldn't refer to each other as 'husband' and 'wife.'  Those terms are so archaic and conservative.  It's for the bourgeois, is what I always say.  I don't care at all."

"My husband couldn't believe it.  I don't care how many lovers he has.  I am utterly bored with even thinking about it really."

"I am so bored right now and don't care about anything.  The only thing I care about is trying to find ways to care even less about everything than I already do."  They both finished their full ass glasses of wine and filled them right back up.  And then, by mere coincidence, they both said the same thing at the same time: "I don't care about them that much, but those new Hunger Games books are ok."  And then they both downed their full glasses of wine and started making out.  It was so bohemian and cool.

"Let's sit down Danny, you little bitch."  Le Sandman told me.

"Alright biatch."

We sat down at the beer garden and ordered the most expensive beers they had.

"See the woman over there?  Man, what a knock out.  Look at those legs.  They go all the way to heaven.  They carry a princess around all day and they look so smooth and wonderful!  You know how the Orcs were made in a fiery hell at Isengard?  You know?  In the Lord of the Rings.  This girl was made at the opposite place of that place."

I looked over and saw her.  Yup.  She was fucking perfect and I fell in love with her real fast.

"I am going to show you what I do brother.  I'm gonna take her back to your place and pull her mini sartorial splendor over her head and take a good gander at those legs.  I want to see just how high they go.  I love her high heels man.  She is driving me mad."

"Ok do it.  I'll watch."

He crept over to her and his movements were perfect and he looked great.  He leaned in and whispered in her ear.  She crossed her legs.  She leaned in towards Sandman to have his voice deeper in her ear.  He put his hand on her one bare shoulder.  She shifted her hair.  Her eyes narrowed and she smiled deviously.  She turned around on her stool to face The Sandman fully.  They were so proximally close.  He leaned into her face.  She didn't move.  She spread her legs apart.  I got a boner.  It was all so bohemian and cool.

He grabbed her hand and off they went.

I followed them in a creeping manner to make sure she didn't see.  They arrived at my mansion and I sneaked in through the back unnoticed.  They were in my room and as I peered through the marginally open door, The Sandman pulled the woman's short dress over her head.  He inspected her legs as she giggled.  Her vision was restricted by her dress.  The Sandman turned and smiled at me and proclaimed "they do reach heaven!  How about that!"  The woman laughed and jumped on his face.

When they were done, The Sandman walked her to the door and I hid behind some shit and listened.

"Hey you know what?  I actually fell in love with you back there Suzy.  You're so bohemian and fun."  He didn't let go of her hand.  "You're so carefree and caring.  And your smile is genuine.  Your breath smells of sweet alcohol right now."  He kissed her and she giggled.  "You're so pure.  But..."

"What?"

"I can't see you again.  I'm sorry.  We'll never see each other again, and I can't tell you why."  He let go of her hand.  "Go be happy.  I am leaving.  Thank you."  He closed the door.

Homie walked over to me.  "Ha ha!  See that?  Damn.  She was perfect.  I wish I could marry her and have a perfect life and travel the world with her and have wild sex all the time.  I think I love her and I know I love her.  Whooo!"

"Yea, she was perfect.  When are you going to see her again?  I know you didn't mean that shit about not seeing her again."

"Yes.  Tonight.  I'll visit her in her dreams.  And then I will strangle her, but right before she dies I'll let her go.  And then I'll stab her and slit her throat."  The Sandman had his cloak on again and his head was hooded and he was brooding.  "I am just an empty evil vessel with specific instructions.  It is what I do.  See ya."

Motherfucker disappeared right in front of me.  "You're an evil fuck homie."  I said to no one.

"I know bro."  His voice echoed out of no where.

"Well... shit."  I thought.  This is all fucked up.  I pondered for a bit as I went back into my room and put on my cool robe back on and got extremely comfortable.  I changed the sheets on my bed and lied down to watch some television.  My mind wandered and wondered.  Man I really want a girl like Suzy.  So carefree and beautiful.  Ya, I want to live forever young and youthful.  And I want to run around the whole world doing fun things and ride buffalo in Ireland whenever I get the chance.  I could still smell Suzy's pussy.  "Mmmmm."

"Weird ass Sandman.  Going from dream to dream killing people, mentally disturbing people, wooing girls and then breaking their hearts.  He's not even conflicted or suffering--those things are just the things he does and is meant to do.  Strange.  Well he didn't fuck with me."  I thought these things about The Sandman.

"I can fuck with your mind bro."  The ominous echoed voice addressed my thoughts.

"No you can't."  I said aloud and then chilled back.  Homie didn't say shit back.

The new Breaking Bad season started right when I changed it to AMC channel 57.  Nice!

What Is The Meaning Of All Of This?

There is another reality separate from the one we know.  The other reality is truer than this one and was around before this one.  Over there it makes sense that God has existed before after and after before and forever in between: "I AM THAT I AM."

God decided to create this crazy world for some reason known to God, but not, now, known to us: "Can you by searching find out God?"  No.

God blasted out our existence in the Big Bang.

Maybe trillions of years went by...
Maybe billions of years went by...
Maybe millions of years went by...
Maybe thousands of years went by...
Maybe hundreds of years went by...

And then man and woman begot each other and started pondering the oddities of existence--oddities to us.  The same oddities need not be absurdities, and, also, need not be contradictions though--unless one does not believe in a divine creator.

For the most part, we all end up confused as to what the fuck is going on here.

It is like when all your friends are getting drunk and you're like "ya! fuck it! i want in!" and then you end up in jail.  Or like when all your friends are smoking weed and you're like "ya! fuck it! i want in!" and then you end up high as fuck and scared as hell and then you have anxiety for the rest of your life.  Confounding!

God was thinking: Yes, I made man and woman.  One pokes the other with his dick between her legs and they both feel bomb.  I made the raddest feeling ever!  An orgasm!  Now even if they don't want to have babies they'll at least fuck and propagate on accident!  Look at them go!  I blew their minds with sex!  Haha!

And so we are kept in a perfect balance of happiness and unhappiness--of fervent desire and abysmal depression, of voracious appetite and of utter disinterested appetite, of unwavering heroism and of crippling fear.  We are never fully one way or the other, so, our minds are ever distracted until the final moments of our lives before we pass away.  It could be right before an accident.  It could be at 100 years of age.  And then we wonder, "What the fuck just happened?  How did I get here?  Why did I do nothing!?  I could have just as easily committed suicide fifty years ago and there would have been not a difference!  What is the meaning of all of this?"

What is the meaning of all of this?  To not search for understanding and truth is terrifying madness; that madness one will encounter at the end of one's life if one does not lead a life always pursuing understanding and truth.

But, maybe, there are people who live absentmindedly and die absentmindedly?

And so the world keeps turning and our lives, and the human race in general, race toward an inevitable end.  How will it all end?

Old Tour Memories

I remember a good time.  A time when things were much simpler.  I was on tour as a roadie for an old band named Noise Ratchet and we were somewhere in Canada.  The tour manager, Brandon Young (the drummer and now drummer of Delta Spirit), the guitarist, and I went to some dance club where drinks either costed a looney or a tooney.  I drank some drinks and I felt cool as a cucumber.  At the end of the night I was dancing with a tall big woman and sucking on her neck.

We got back to the hotel, but as usual Brandon and I wanted to continue partying so we took out the beers we had stolen from the venue and played some poker; we had to play on the ground near the bathroom because everyone else was asleep and wanted the lights off--we used the bathroom light to light our cards.  Drunk off of around seven drinks or so, I felt fucking great and so carefree.  I stood up to take a piss and as I was pissing into the toilet Brandon was shuffling the cards or some shit and, as usual, he was shirtless.  I turned and started peeing all over his back.

"Ah you dirty son of a bitch!"  And then we had some laughs and went to sleep.  Noise Ratchet was on tour with My Chemical Romance and Avenged Sevenfold.

Don't Forget: It's Okay To Die! [Anxiety Alert]

I feel like I'm always trying to keep myself alive!

For fuck's sake!

And if I'm not trying desperately hard to keep myself alive and breathing, then I'm trying to obliterate my mind.

Who cares if you die?

We ARE going to die.

Accept it.

We should get good at dying! ... and then we'll get good at living?

It's okay to die.

It's NOT okay to be scared or afraid ALL the time.

It's okay to love Coldplay as much as I do (watch your back U2 and The Killers!).

I'm so scared (anxiety ridden) all the time, it sucks.

Oh well.  My life will end sooner than later.

Gotta keep practicing.  Keep practicing.  Practice.  Breathe.  Or don't.

Heaven?  Who knows?  No hell.

Everything is going to be okay as long as we all die eventually.  We'll see what's up with Socrates after we die.

Take a Xanax.

Wait Fifteen Minutes (While Freaking Out The Whole Time).

Write This Blog.

Aztec Princess

I was recrossing the border after being deported and it was a cold ass motherfucking night.  I was near the border on the Mexican side.  Sumbitch deporting motherfuckers got me, but I don't have a problem with them deporting whoever really... but I was born in San Diego, CA!

A cool Mexican dude that was gonna jump the fence with me and dig the hard desert was next to me, "Hey ese man, what you gonna do on the other side?  Where-a are you from-a ese, right?"

"Nah man, just go home.  Fuckin' border patrol deported me even though I'm from San D-fuckin'-eggo."

"Ah ha ha man me too.  I'm from San Diego too."

"Ah man whatever.  What are YOU gonna do you ese vato motherfucker?"

"I'm gonna get gold."

"Well, the fuckin' gold is in California... the gold rush was in San Francisco mainly dude, so, good luck Diego."

"Ooooo thanks Danny."

We hauled the wall and jumped twenty fucking feet in the air.  That motherfucker Diego could run!  "See ya Diego!"  He waved from far ahead.  I got caught right away.

"Where you from sir?" They asked me in Spanish.

"From fuckin' San Diego, man!"  I said in perfect English and no accent.

"Ya right beaner.  You know what...?"

"What bitch ass patrol ass fuck?  I got rights!"

"How about we drop you off in Guatemala this time?  Yup.  You're done for."

"Fuck!"

They packed me and thousands of other dudes, dudettes, kids, and animals like sardines and off we went--sailing the high seas!

It would have been a bitch to cross over from Guatemala to Mexico if wasn't for my dashing good looks and long beautiful hair and big man hands and winning smile and big ass dick.  Don't ask what I did to cross over... I fucked a Mexican patrol woman.

This time I was lost as fuck and I asked around the southern tip of Mexico where I should go.

Oaxaca!

I got there easy by having sex with a bunch of ladies for "free" rides.  I thought I would kick it in Oaxaca for a while because I heard it was a chill place.

There I was in the rolling green beautiful hills of Oaxaca smelling like shit and having no money so I found a rad lake and I bathed myself.  I jumped into some people's house and stole new clothes.  I was good to go!

I heard there was going to be a dance at the local center and that there would be at least 100 hot girls!  Man I felt like Jack Kerouac himself!  Just traveling the old fucking road, doing whatever the fuck, drinking, feeling and smelling good, and having a fine time.

The dance ended up being at a barn, but it was cool.  It was like the whole of Oaxaca was stuck in the 1800s!

And there I saw her...

Maria!

I walked towards her and asked her to dance and she was excited and horny to dance with me.  We danced for about half a song when all of a sudden a fierce creature of a woman jumped in between us and her 100 cousins took Maria away and beat the shit out of her.

She held onto me and we started dancing and I hadn't even seen her face yet.

She slithered around my body and I slithered my hands around her body touching her breasts and ass and legs slightly and lightly.  She slid her hands over my crotch lightly and slightly.  I grabbed her butt hard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw five guys that looked like bulls raging towards me.  I was dead.  I was dead.  I was dead.  I was as good as dead.  They would surely kill me because of the slithering skinny beautiful girl that was half raping me.  They were probably her brothers, or boyfriends, or dads, or knows who the fuck they were, but they were mad as hell, and they were coming straight for me...

Nope!  The 100 girl's cousins appeared out of nowhere and beat the shit out of the five raging bulls!  I got to keep dancing with the queen of the ball.

"What's your name?"  I whispered putting my mouth fully on her ear.

"Lizette."  She licked into my ear in a way that made me instantly hornier than I already was.  My dick pressed hard onto her as she pressed hard onto me too.  She pulled her face away and finally looked me in the eyes.

She was more beautiful than two Maria's combined!  And Maria was hot as fuck, so just imagine.

I would say that I was the luckiest man in the world, but considering how good looking I am too, I would say it was about even.

She whispered with her tongue in my ear, "I hate being on this dance floor with my clothes on and not in my room naked with you."

She took me by the hand and chased me off the dance floor as I got to finally see her body fully.  She was wearing a short mini skirt that had slits up the sides and a loose Mexican button up long sleeve shirt that showed cleavage and that I think had only one button buttoned.  I looked around and she drove the men wild.  They wanted her and wanted to kill me, but they knew about the 100 cousins.

We didn't reach her room fast enough just a couple casitas away.  We had the house all to ourselves.  Luckily it was early in the night.  We made love all night and it was wild and beautiful and we were out in the world in Oaxaca in Mexico in the North Western Hemisphere on planet Earth in outer space in the Milky Way out in the Universe and it was unbelievable and I had the greatest orgasm that lasted thirteen minutes at least, but I had more than one orgasm.  I had countless orgasms and she had countless orgasms too.  I sucked on her breasts.  She moaned loud, "Yes!  Give me more!  You can't give me enough!  Oh!"  I loved her.  She loved me.  Two wild human animals.

The universe is vast and insane!

"I didn't want to tell you but I'm actually an Aztec princess and now you're gonna be rich with Aztec gold."

We fell asleep holding each other and her hair was on my face and our legs were all tangled up like when gum gets in your hair.

I woke up and watched her amazing naked body sleep gracefully like the beautiful fierce creature that she was.  I thought about how she stole me from Maria and I smiled.  I stole another glance at her butt crack and her breasts.  I thought about how happy we'd be all rich and shit.

I went downstairs and saw all the 100 cousins sleeping everywhere.  They looked crazy.  I bet they're crazy.

I thought I'd go buy a shit load of food for when all the girls woke up, so I went to the market.

As soon as I stepped into town I was violently apprehended by a Mexican policeman, and he threw me into a fucking paddy wagon.  Motherfucker!

"I know where you from asshole!  I know!"  He said in Spanish or English.  "You're from the United States and we're deporting you back to America you faggot asshole."

"Noooooooo!!!!!  Lizette!!!!!"  I held onto the bars of the back window of the paddy wagon like in all those old movies.

My Aztec princess... would I ever see her again?

Bathtub Sailing

There was a man taking a bath in his bathtub in Japan.

He filled the tub up halfway with scalding water and then waited for it to turn into a temperature his body could handle--it was still hot as fuck when he got in, but that was the point, and it was cold as hell outside so it felt good.

He laid all the way down and only let his eyes and nose and forehead stick out.

He felt a rumble and his whole house was shaking, but this man was no ordinary man--he was a quick thinker.

He thought, "Well, I'm feeling good.  The WHOLE fucking house is shaking.  What can I do?  Nothing.  I'm going to keep letting my dick soak and feel good!"  He stayed put; sat smiling and happy.

The house kept shaking like a desperately hungry monkey (that never learned how to climb) shaking a banana tree--poor stupid monkey will never get his banana.  The house began falling all around the man, but the man stayed in his bathtub.

Finally, the whole house came down when a great wave crashed through and carried the man away in his bathtub full of warm water and the man still had pleasure in his dick.

The man peered over and saw that his bathtub was surfing; his bathtub was sailing.  The man was now officially a sailor; he had always wanted to be a sailor; ever since he was a young boy.  He was never able to be one, however, because he had gotten a dumb ass job and stayed put like he thought he was supposed to and he hated his life.  Now he loved his life.

Off he sailed and he waved at all the drowning people.

Upon landing at an island he saw a monkey shaking a tree to get a banana.  The monkey was unsuccessful, so he get out of his bathtub and helped the monkey get his banana--boy, were we wrong!

A man sitting in meditation a little ways away was humming beautiful music.

The bathtub man made his way over to him.

"Excuse me Mr Meditation Man, where are we?  What is the meaning of life?  What does it ALL mean?"

The Meditation Man politely replied, "Hey motherfucker!  How the fuck am I supposed to know?  Can't you see I'm trying to meditate here?  I don't even know how to meditate!  Leave me the fuck alone.  Go find something else to do on the island, instead of bothering me.  Find a way off this damned island why don't you!?"

The Weight of Beauty

"okay, you can come in now!"

this girl was freakin' hot as fuck and it just so happened to work out to where we were about to have sex.  you know how sometimes you end up making out or sexing with someone and they're super hot and you're all like, "cool!  crazy!  i'm with a beautiful person and i didn't even play any stupid weird games and try really hard to make this person like me."  who the fuck likes doing that?  shouldn't it just be natural?  easy for me to say, right?  just kidding.

i had never had sex before this day, but i'm sure she had.

i walked in from the other room where i was waiting in my underwear.  we were in a big ass mansion obviously.

she was lying sprawled out on a big comfortable looking bed and her dark brown hair was perfectly messed up and everywhere.  she was 28.  she was a freak.  i was 31 and i was a freak, but, thus far, I was only a freak in my mind.  i looked at her from her crown to her toes.  i got a boner.

i threw my underwear off in a panic.

we started making out and i couldn't believe all of this nudity was happening!  i was on top; ravishing her.  she smelled like a wonderful summer bouquet of flowers obviously.  with my hands roaming around her curves, i bent down and started kissing her neck.  it curved down from her skull to her collar in a nice gentle way like a beautiful road in a beautiful country with green hills.

from her collar bone i made haste to her chest.  she knew what she was doing.  she arched her back hard thrusting them titties up in the air.  up to that point i didn't think my boner could get any bigger or stronger, but, yup, i was wrong.  i leaned back a little to get a full view of the situation.  it was good.

i looked out the window to take in the oceanic view.  the windows were open and a breeze blew in.  i thought about how my sexual desires were as deep as the ocean right then.  i looked at her nipples closely.  i got everything i wanted.  i kissed them and she was happy and i was happy too.

i moved down her stomach and to her bellybutton.  i looked at her bellybutton.  i licked it.  it was good.

her curves moved out from there to become hips and as my face lay on top of her crotch i traced my hand softly around to her ass--taking it all in.  she said, "yes kiss me everywhere!"  so i did.  then she turned around and lied on her stomach.  "now do me from behind danny!"  she was wild with desire!  hey!  me too!

i ran my hands down her back and to her sides until they came to rest on her hips.  i looked down.  there was a girl's naked butt right in front of me!  what!?  weird!  but great!  she turned her head to look at me and smiled sweetly (the perfect curves of her lips curving up); like the sweet young girl she was.  she was happy.  she pushed her butt onto me.

i kept looking at what was happening.  i spread her butt cheeks apart.  yup.  there was her anus.  she had her knees and legs spread apart.

i looked lower and stared at her vagina and how it connected to the inside of her legs and then curved down into her thighs.  it was all so great.

"get inside of me!"

"this is great!  i can't believe it!"  i replied looking at her.

"what?"

"everything that's going on here!  it's amazing!  i can't believe it."

"so are you gonna do me or what?"

"ya... i don't think i can.  maybe another time when the weight of this beauty and miracle isn't so heavy.  it's all just too much."  my boner went away because my mind wandered to the heavens trying to understand the staggering amazingness of life.  two naked people all over each other and wanting each other is mind blowing.

"you asshole."  she got dressed and got the hell out of my mansion and then i went into the bathroom and jacked off about her obviously.