What Is The Meaning Of All Of This?

There is another reality separate from the one we know.  The other reality is truer than this one and was around before this one.  Over there it makes sense that God has existed before after and after before and forever in between: "I AM THAT I AM."

God decided to create this crazy world for some reason known to God, but not, now, known to us: "Can you by searching find out God?"  No.

God blasted out our existence in the Big Bang.

Maybe trillions of years went by...
Maybe billions of years went by...
Maybe millions of years went by...
Maybe thousands of years went by...
Maybe hundreds of years went by...

And then man and woman begot each other and started pondering the oddities of existence--oddities to us.  The same oddities need not be absurdities, and, also, need not be contradictions though--unless one does not believe in a divine creator.

For the most part, we all end up confused as to what the fuck is going on here.

It is like when all your friends are getting drunk and you're like "ya! fuck it! i want in!" and then you end up in jail.  Or like when all your friends are smoking weed and you're like "ya! fuck it! i want in!" and then you end up high as fuck and scared as hell and then you have anxiety for the rest of your life.  Confounding!

God was thinking: Yes, I made man and woman.  One pokes the other with his dick between her legs and they both feel bomb.  I made the raddest feeling ever!  An orgasm!  Now even if they don't want to have babies they'll at least fuck and propagate on accident!  Look at them go!  I blew their minds with sex!  Haha!

And so we are kept in a perfect balance of happiness and unhappiness--of fervent desire and abysmal depression, of voracious appetite and of utter disinterested appetite, of unwavering heroism and of crippling fear.  We are never fully one way or the other, so, our minds are ever distracted until the final moments of our lives before we pass away.  It could be right before an accident.  It could be at 100 years of age.  And then we wonder, "What the fuck just happened?  How did I get here?  Why did I do nothing!?  I could have just as easily committed suicide fifty years ago and there would have been not a difference!  What is the meaning of all of this?"

What is the meaning of all of this?  To not search for understanding and truth is terrifying madness; that madness one will encounter at the end of one's life if one does not lead a life always pursuing understanding and truth.

But, maybe, there are people who live absentmindedly and die absentmindedly?

And so the world keeps turning and our lives, and the human race in general, race toward an inevitable end.  How will it all end?

Old Tour Memories

I remember a good time.  A time when things were much simpler.  I was on tour as a roadie for an old band named Noise Ratchet and we were somewhere in Canada.  The tour manager, Brandon Young (the drummer and now drummer of Delta Spirit), the guitarist, and I went to some dance club where drinks either costed a looney or a tooney.  I drank some drinks and I felt cool as a cucumber.  At the end of the night I was dancing with a tall big woman and sucking on her neck.

We got back to the hotel, but as usual Brandon and I wanted to continue partying so we took out the beers we had stolen from the venue and played some poker; we had to play on the ground near the bathroom because everyone else was asleep and wanted the lights off--we used the bathroom light to light our cards.  Drunk off of around seven drinks or so, I felt fucking great and so carefree.  I stood up to take a piss and as I was pissing into the toilet Brandon was shuffling the cards or some shit and, as usual, he was shirtless.  I turned and started peeing all over his back.

"Ah you dirty son of a bitch!"  And then we had some laughs and went to sleep.  Noise Ratchet was on tour with My Chemical Romance and Avenged Sevenfold.

Don't Forget: It's Okay To Die! [Anxiety Alert]

I feel like I'm always trying to keep myself alive!

For fuck's sake!

And if I'm not trying desperately hard to keep myself alive and breathing, then I'm trying to obliterate my mind.

Who cares if you die?

We ARE going to die.

Accept it.

We should get good at dying! ... and then we'll get good at living?

It's okay to die.

It's NOT okay to be scared or afraid ALL the time.

It's okay to love Coldplay as much as I do (watch your back U2 and The Killers!).

I'm so scared (anxiety ridden) all the time, it sucks.

Oh well.  My life will end sooner than later.

Gotta keep practicing.  Keep practicing.  Practice.  Breathe.  Or don't.

Heaven?  Who knows?  No hell.

Everything is going to be okay as long as we all die eventually.  We'll see what's up with Socrates after we die.

Take a Xanax.

Wait Fifteen Minutes (While Freaking Out The Whole Time).

Write This Blog.

Aztec Princess

I was recrossing the border after being deported and it was a cold ass motherfucking night.  I was near the border on the Mexican side.  Sumbitch deporting motherfuckers got me, but I don't have a problem with them deporting whoever really... but I was born in San Diego, CA!

A cool Mexican dude that was gonna jump the fence with me and dig the hard desert was next to me, "Hey ese man, what you gonna do on the other side?  Where-a are you from-a ese, right?"

"Nah man, just go home.  Fuckin' border patrol deported me even though I'm from San D-fuckin'-eggo."

"Ah ha ha man me too.  I'm from San Diego too."

"Ah man whatever.  What are YOU gonna do you ese vato motherfucker?"

"I'm gonna get gold."

"Well, the fuckin' gold is in California... the gold rush was in San Francisco mainly dude, so, good luck Diego."

"Ooooo thanks Danny."

We hauled the wall and jumped twenty fucking feet in the air.  That motherfucker Diego could run!  "See ya Diego!"  He waved from far ahead.  I got caught right away.

"Where you from sir?" They asked me in Spanish.

"From fuckin' San Diego, man!"  I said in perfect English and no accent.

"Ya right beaner.  You know what...?"

"What bitch ass patrol ass fuck?  I got rights!"

"How about we drop you off in Guatemala this time?  Yup.  You're done for."

"Fuck!"

They packed me and thousands of other dudes, dudettes, kids, and animals like sardines and off we went--sailing the high seas!

It would have been a bitch to cross over from Guatemala to Mexico if wasn't for my dashing good looks and long beautiful hair and big man hands and winning smile and big ass dick.  Don't ask what I did to cross over... I fucked a Mexican patrol woman.

This time I was lost as fuck and I asked around the southern tip of Mexico where I should go.

Oaxaca!

I got there easy by having sex with a bunch of ladies for "free" rides.  I thought I would kick it in Oaxaca for a while because I heard it was a chill place.

There I was in the rolling green beautiful hills of Oaxaca smelling like shit and having no money so I found a rad lake and I bathed myself.  I jumped into some people's house and stole new clothes.  I was good to go!

I heard there was going to be a dance at the local center and that there would be at least 100 hot girls!  Man I felt like Jack Kerouac himself!  Just traveling the old fucking road, doing whatever the fuck, drinking, feeling and smelling good, and having a fine time.

The dance ended up being at a barn, but it was cool.  It was like the whole of Oaxaca was stuck in the 1800s!

And there I saw her...

Maria!

I walked towards her and asked her to dance and she was excited and horny to dance with me.  We danced for about half a song when all of a sudden a fierce creature of a woman jumped in between us and her 100 cousins took Maria away and beat the shit out of her.

She held onto me and we started dancing and I hadn't even seen her face yet.

She slithered around my body and I slithered my hands around her body touching her breasts and ass and legs slightly and lightly.  She slid her hands over my crotch lightly and slightly.  I grabbed her butt hard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw five guys that looked like bulls raging towards me.  I was dead.  I was dead.  I was dead.  I was as good as dead.  They would surely kill me because of the slithering skinny beautiful girl that was half raping me.  They were probably her brothers, or boyfriends, or dads, or knows who the fuck they were, but they were mad as hell, and they were coming straight for me...

Nope!  The 100 girl's cousins appeared out of nowhere and beat the shit out of the five raging bulls!  I got to keep dancing with the queen of the ball.

"What's your name?"  I whispered putting my mouth fully on her ear.

"Lizette."  She licked into my ear in a way that made me instantly hornier than I already was.  My dick pressed hard onto her as she pressed hard onto me too.  She pulled her face away and finally looked me in the eyes.

She was more beautiful than two Maria's combined!  And Maria was hot as fuck, so just imagine.

I would say that I was the luckiest man in the world, but considering how good looking I am too, I would say it was about even.

She whispered with her tongue in my ear, "I hate being on this dance floor with my clothes on and not in my room naked with you."

She took me by the hand and chased me off the dance floor as I got to finally see her body fully.  She was wearing a short mini skirt that had slits up the sides and a loose Mexican button up long sleeve shirt that showed cleavage and that I think had only one button buttoned.  I looked around and she drove the men wild.  They wanted her and wanted to kill me, but they knew about the 100 cousins.

We didn't reach her room fast enough just a couple casitas away.  We had the house all to ourselves.  Luckily it was early in the night.  We made love all night and it was wild and beautiful and we were out in the world in Oaxaca in Mexico in the North Western Hemisphere on planet Earth in outer space in the Milky Way out in the Universe and it was unbelievable and I had the greatest orgasm that lasted thirteen minutes at least, but I had more than one orgasm.  I had countless orgasms and she had countless orgasms too.  I sucked on her breasts.  She moaned loud, "Yes!  Give me more!  You can't give me enough!  Oh!"  I loved her.  She loved me.  Two wild human animals.

The universe is vast and insane!

"I didn't want to tell you but I'm actually an Aztec princess and now you're gonna be rich with Aztec gold."

We fell asleep holding each other and her hair was on my face and our legs were all tangled up like when gum gets in your hair.

I woke up and watched her amazing naked body sleep gracefully like the beautiful fierce creature that she was.  I thought about how she stole me from Maria and I smiled.  I stole another glance at her butt crack and her breasts.  I thought about how happy we'd be all rich and shit.

I went downstairs and saw all the 100 cousins sleeping everywhere.  They looked crazy.  I bet they're crazy.

I thought I'd go buy a shit load of food for when all the girls woke up, so I went to the market.

As soon as I stepped into town I was violently apprehended by a Mexican policeman, and he threw me into a fucking paddy wagon.  Motherfucker!

"I know where you from asshole!  I know!"  He said in Spanish or English.  "You're from the United States and we're deporting you back to America you faggot asshole."

"Noooooooo!!!!!  Lizette!!!!!"  I held onto the bars of the back window of the paddy wagon like in all those old movies.

My Aztec princess... would I ever see her again?

Bathtub Sailing

There was a man taking a bath in his bathtub in Japan.

He filled the tub up halfway with scalding water and then waited for it to turn into a temperature his body could handle--it was still hot as fuck when he got in, but that was the point, and it was cold as hell outside so it felt good.

He laid all the way down and only let his eyes and nose and forehead stick out.

He felt a rumble and his whole house was shaking, but this man was no ordinary man--he was a quick thinker.

He thought, "Well, I'm feeling good.  The WHOLE fucking house is shaking.  What can I do?  Nothing.  I'm going to keep letting my dick soak and feel good!"  He stayed put; sat smiling and happy.

The house kept shaking like a desperately hungry monkey (that never learned how to climb) shaking a banana tree--poor stupid monkey will never get his banana.  The house began falling all around the man, but the man stayed in his bathtub.

Finally, the whole house came down when a great wave crashed through and carried the man away in his bathtub full of warm water and the man still had pleasure in his dick.

The man peered over and saw that his bathtub was surfing; his bathtub was sailing.  The man was now officially a sailor; he had always wanted to be a sailor; ever since he was a young boy.  He was never able to be one, however, because he had gotten a dumb ass job and stayed put like he thought he was supposed to and he hated his life.  Now he loved his life.

Off he sailed and he waved at all the drowning people.

Upon landing at an island he saw a monkey shaking a tree to get a banana.  The monkey was unsuccessful, so he get out of his bathtub and helped the monkey get his banana--boy, were we wrong!

A man sitting in meditation a little ways away was humming beautiful music.

The bathtub man made his way over to him.

"Excuse me Mr Meditation Man, where are we?  What is the meaning of life?  What does it ALL mean?"

The Meditation Man politely replied, "Hey motherfucker!  How the fuck am I supposed to know?  Can't you see I'm trying to meditate here?  I don't even know how to meditate!  Leave me the fuck alone.  Go find something else to do on the island, instead of bothering me.  Find a way off this damned island why don't you!?"

The Weight of Beauty

"okay, you can come in now!"

this girl was freakin' hot as fuck and it just so happened to work out to where we were about to have sex.  you know how sometimes you end up making out or sexing with someone and they're super hot and you're all like, "cool!  crazy!  i'm with a beautiful person and i didn't even play any stupid weird games and try really hard to make this person like me."  who the fuck likes doing that?  shouldn't it just be natural?  easy for me to say, right?  just kidding.

i had never had sex before this day, but i'm sure she had.

i walked in from the other room where i was waiting in my underwear.  we were in a big ass mansion obviously.

she was lying sprawled out on a big comfortable looking bed and her dark brown hair was perfectly messed up and everywhere.  she was 28.  she was a freak.  i was 31 and i was a freak, but, thus far, I was only a freak in my mind.  i looked at her from her crown to her toes.  i got a boner.

i threw my underwear off in a panic.

we started making out and i couldn't believe all of this nudity was happening!  i was on top; ravishing her.  she smelled like a wonderful summer bouquet of flowers obviously.  with my hands roaming around her curves, i bent down and started kissing her neck.  it curved down from her skull to her collar in a nice gentle way like a beautiful road in a beautiful country with green hills.

from her collar bone i made haste to her chest.  she knew what she was doing.  she arched her back hard thrusting them titties up in the air.  up to that point i didn't think my boner could get any bigger or stronger, but, yup, i was wrong.  i leaned back a little to get a full view of the situation.  it was good.

i looked out the window to take in the oceanic view.  the windows were open and a breeze blew in.  i thought about how my sexual desires were as deep as the ocean right then.  i looked at her nipples closely.  i got everything i wanted.  i kissed them and she was happy and i was happy too.

i moved down her stomach and to her bellybutton.  i looked at her bellybutton.  i licked it.  it was good.

her curves moved out from there to become hips and as my face lay on top of her crotch i traced my hand softly around to her ass--taking it all in.  she said, "yes kiss me everywhere!"  so i did.  then she turned around and lied on her stomach.  "now do me from behind danny!"  she was wild with desire!  hey!  me too!

i ran my hands down her back and to her sides until they came to rest on her hips.  i looked down.  there was a girl's naked butt right in front of me!  what!?  weird!  but great!  she turned her head to look at me and smiled sweetly (the perfect curves of her lips curving up); like the sweet young girl she was.  she was happy.  she pushed her butt onto me.

i kept looking at what was happening.  i spread her butt cheeks apart.  yup.  there was her anus.  she had her knees and legs spread apart.

i looked lower and stared at her vagina and how it connected to the inside of her legs and then curved down into her thighs.  it was all so great.

"get inside of me!"

"this is great!  i can't believe it!"  i replied looking at her.

"what?"

"everything that's going on here!  it's amazing!  i can't believe it."

"so are you gonna do me or what?"

"ya... i don't think i can.  maybe another time when the weight of this beauty and miracle isn't so heavy.  it's all just too much."  my boner went away because my mind wandered to the heavens trying to understand the staggering amazingness of life.  two naked people all over each other and wanting each other is mind blowing.

"you asshole."  she got dressed and got the hell out of my mansion and then i went into the bathroom and jacked off about her obviously.

If I Can't Kill Myself or Do Drugs Why Don't You Just Fuck Me Already? Ode To Canada

What is one of the most basic--if not the most basic--human right?  To do whatever the fuck you want with yourself as long as you don't hurt others right?

All them gays and lesbos keep crying about, 'wah wah wah let me get married because we ain't hurtin' no one and we just wanna be gay and lesbo and we like it!'  Shit, I say if they're so hung up on the word 'married' or just want to be recognized by all the cool governors and the president as a couple, then fuck it, go for it!  I guess just try to find a way so that all the people that find that kind of thing an abomination don't have to support it through taxes etc... that way they don't have to feel all guilty for supporting some perversion or whatever the fuck.

But the point here is that no one is saying gays and lesbos can't just go in a room and fuck each other all weird and however they want.  This is because of basic human rights.  If you wanna fuck with that shit and make it illegal then you'd have to make jacking off illegal and that's not gonna happen because Louis C.K. and I would vote against it.

So, everyone should just leave you the fuck alone when you trying to do something that don't harm no one.  Please excuse my double negatives and my wont of typing however the fuck I do.

Why would anyone have a problem with some fuck doing drugs or killing thyself?

The atheist should be thinking, 'Well there's certainly no god, so go for it.  Smoke weed in your room all damn day and eat Cheetos and watch horror movies and fuck you.'  Why should an atheist be voting against any drug as long as the user don't hurt no one but hisself?  Shit, alcohol and cigarettes are legal and that shit kills all sorts of people and sometimes the users kill other fucking people!   This is insane!

Make drugs legal and the fucking gangsters won't have anything to sell.  It'll just be a fucking gun war instead of a drug and gun war.

The Christian or theist shouldn't have a problem with drugs either.  Christians don't want anyone to be forced into becoming a Christian (or at least they shouldn't want that) because then it don't mean shit to god.  So, if someone isn't a Christian, what difference does it make to a Christian whether that person uses drugs or not?  They're going to hell either way right?  And they're not going to make being a non-Christian illegal because they don't want to force anyone to be a Christian (as aforementioned).  Jesus wants everyone to choose for themselves.  So Jesus would rather you be an honest fuck up than a lying fake ass bitch ass Christian.

And the agnostic... well they don't know shit.

Because there are so many ups and downs in this life, I would never agree that killing oneself is a good idea.  I don't think anyone should ever kill thyself unless it is to save someone else or something of that nature.  With that said though, how the fuck is killing yourself illegal?  I mean shit, if life is straight up torture and you just want out, who the fuck can you tell you no?  God will make his judgements when you meet him after you kill yourself and you'll take it from there.  To take suicide away from someone just seems like taking away the most basic right away.  No one chose to come into existence or life, so, who has the right to stop you if you don't want anything to do with it?

What do they do to you if you try to kill thyself?  Put you in a straight jacket, give you pills, and the insane asylum workers all bone you when their bosses aren't looking.  Worse than suicide!

Let's be honest here.  If you eat like shit and never work out you are literally killing yourself; you are making it so that you die fifteen years earlier than you would have.  Slow suicide.  Add on top of that smoking or whatever the fuck else and you're killing yourself all day.  There is no way to escape killing yourself--you're born and you instantly start dying.  I'm not saying kill yourself.  I'm saying don't judge someone or make it illegal for killing thyself.

Shit, what is the difference if you're ninety years old and you're being kept alive for three more years by a machine and you're suffering all the time and just letting go right then and there instead?

I'm just saying that, hell, if they really want to and they ain't hurtin' no one then fuck it.  You shouldn't force someone to not do something they want to do that isn't gonna hurt anyone.

I don't know anything about any of this... I'm just blogging out loud.  Everything is absurd.  Humans are absurd.  Maybe we're just trying to make ourselves feel better about ourselves with every single thought that passes through our heads and then we try to fix those thoughts with further thoughts.  God is the only thing that is not absurd.  Is God a thing?  You know what I mean.

Why do I write all this bullshit?  To say that Canada might be getting it right.  Canada rules.  Brazil rules too because they have good fighters and beautiful people and amazing soccer players.  The USA is still cooler and better than both of those countries though.

"O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!
From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee"


Watch this video about what some Canadians are up to (it's only 3mins long): http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/story/2011/09/30/stub-safe-injection.html

Give Blood Unlike A Vampire

I decided to be the opposite of a vampire at school and give blood. Why? Because I saw the big ass fucking Red Cross bus and every time I see that bitch I feel guilty if I don't give blood. That's right, I don't give out of the goodness of my black, greedy, shitty, strong, cool heart. I give to combat the shitty person I already am so I won't be as shitty a person I am already. And what the fuck man? People that can give blood should give it (even if you're a pussy about needles and have anxiety)! People out there need this shit and you can give it and make your own blood back all fast and shit... Just a little lightheadedness is all you get, asshole!

So, I've put this shit off for a minute because of my panic attacks and anxiety but I said fuck it today. "Stick me with the needle Doc! Let's do this!"

I drank a shitload of water right before going into the damn bus and had to take a mad leak right when I got in :( I'm so dumb. And my anxiety started to rise gradually but forcefully--that little monster in my head, "Ñññññaaaaa seeee, boo! Something might go wrong Danny! Be afraid... Be very afraid!". But the strong me in my head was cool, "Fuck it Danny. If you die, well, you had a 'beautiful ride.' You're almost 30 so don't be a whiny bitch. You've had a better life than most people that have ever existed in the history of the world!". Geeee, thaaaanks strong me.

I jumped into the Red Cross bus and I was happy to find that the nurses in charge of the joint were very typical.  All of them were wearing miniskirts with tiny button up shirts that their bodies were trying to get out of and they were all wearing high heels.  They were all super hot.

"Sir, have you ever had AIDS or HIV or been to Mexico in the last five years, or had sex with another man since 1970 or ever?"

"Nope."

"Okay, you can give blood then."

"Cool."

"Please sit up here and give me your arm.  Then go ahead and lie down."

I sat where I was told like a shit-head, "Should I take off my shoes?"

"No."

So I chilled back and gave her my left arm and she stuck me with a needle and I wondered what it felt like to do heroin.  The nurse taking my blood fluffed my pillow for me, accidentally putting her breasts in my face super hard, and said, "Just relax."

I relaxed, but about five seconds later I freaked out.  I looked over to where my blood was accumulating and noticed that I had already filled up half a gallon and my blood was pouring in faster than I drink beers.  Black spots started appearing everywhere and I blacked out.  When I came to, I had tubes going into my body feeding me blood and I felt like I was getting stronger and stronger by the second.  A super hot nurse came in.

"How are you feeling Danny?  We accidentally jacked a shit load of blood from you and blacked you out.  You're at a hospital now and we're pumping your shitty blood back into you, but we're going to keep the pint that you were going to donate initially."

I spoke in a slurred manner, "You're hot.  Y'all fucked me up and almost killed me!"

"I know Mr. Castro, but we're sorry and to make it up to you the doctor told me I should have sex with you or give you a blow job.  How does that sound?"  The doctor came in behind her.

I guess I was too mad about almost dying or maybe I still wasn't thinking straight, but whatever it was, I stood up and punched the doctor and said, "Aha!  Fuck you doctor!"

The police that are always parked outside the hospital immediately took me to jail.  I was happy to see Hemingway there.

"Hey Hemingway, what're you in for this time?"

"Ah some bullshit about drinking in public.  I was at a church though."

"Where's Darwin?"

"Mount Everest or some fucking place."

"Ah fuck man, I should have had sex with that nurse instead of punching the doctor.  But at least I gave blood."

To Be Kind Or To Be Mean

I saw a pretty girl about the way and I flirted with her in a subtle but obvious enough way. She responded positively to my jackass jokes/flirts so I told her that maybe I'd see her again and gave her the damned winky face and she said "I'd like that" along with her smiley face. Nice! Well I'll be damned! At her place of employment I left my contact information because I had returned an item. I looked forward to seeing her the following day to see if I could ruin her interest in me as quickly as I had cultivated it. She said she'd like that, no?


I went about my way with daydreams in my head about her and me fucking around. Got to school. Got to my class. I sat at the back. I learned and as I was learning theory about hermeneutics I felt a pleasant vibration on my lap on top of my cock. Nice! An unknown number texted me that she was stalking me winky face and that it was the aforementioned girl. Well I'll be damned! We made plans to meet that day. We met. We ended up kissing on the cheeks and on the lips and all seemed gravy. Nice!


We planned to have dinner together the next day and perhaps fuck aft/postprandial. I wanted to be kind to this girl.


The following day, I stopped by and brought her her favorite coffee from her favorite coffee shop and concluded my affairs at her place of employment and she told me she was feeling a little shitty that day but that she'd let me know if she was up for food with me later. Nope. She ended up saying other plans came up, but that suuuuurrreee mmaaayyybbeeee we could chill next week smiley face. Uhhhh fuck that. Bailing on my ass because I was too nice of a fuck. Lame-ee-oh-stasis bro. So I said fuck it, not much to lose now so I asked her:


"So you seemed down to chill and shit and you got my number from a receipt. Now... Nothing. What happened?"


"Oh... Well... The kissing, and then you brought me coffee at work blah blah blah I'm not ready for a relationship right now blah blah blah bullshit slanty face." Code for: you're not mysterious and cool anymore and you were so nice to me and not a dick to me so fuck you.


Well I'll be damned. Nice!


I never said shit about wanting to relationship the shit out of her. I was just a nice dumb ass. Fuck it. I don't take back my nice actions. I wanted to be nice and if she would have given me a little time she'd see I can be mean too :)


So, as Lady Luck would have it, I got a chance to hang out with another FINE young woman the next day. Nice! Unfortunately for this new girl I decided to be mean to her. The meanness had nothing to do with her; I was just annoyed with girls and I thought I'd try being the opposite of kind. She was hot as fuck too so I said fuck it I'll hang out with her even though I'm annoyed. Lady Luck, no where to be found for my new young lady... Or was she to be found? Read on.


Out we went. We went out. On the drive I seemed uninterested and I don't think she caught me looking at her exposed legs and trying to look up her skirt even though it was impossible with the angle of vision I had. At the event I ignored her or acted confused or bored. At one point I disappeared for a while. I bought dinner and drinks.


On the drive home I said, "Wow I'm really tired. I can't wait to go home and sleep."


"We should drink some vodka redbulls at my place and stay up and watch a movie or... You know whatever."


"Ha, ya... I don't think so. Maybe another time."


"Come on... I'll show you my underwear collection." Rubbing my arm.


"I already saw your underwear."


"No you didn't!" A playful hit on my arm.


I didn't say shit even though I wanted to say nice things and drink with her and see her underwear collection and do her and be kind to her a lot.


Arriving at her house she says, "Coming in?" Touching my arm then rubbing my leg.


I intently look her in the eyes and say nothing. She goes for it and starts kissing me! Nice! I pull back.


She smiles and I say nothing as I smile slightly as if to say "Thanks, that was nice." She gets out. To her surprise I get out too and she walks to her door with me following. At the door we kiss more. She opens the door and leads me into her private place.


Well I'll be damned! Nice!


We end up boning all night and she's hot as fuck so my boner kept going strong all night. I guess Lady Luck hooked up my new girl after all! :)


To be kind, or to be mean, THAT is the question.


Fuck it. I'd still rather be a nice guy even if that means not getting laid... or at least for a while.


Maaan, I just wanna be a nice dude, you know what I mean?  I wanna be nice to everyone.  I wanna be nice to hot girls and still get laid by them.


"All I ask of you is one thing: please don't be cynical.  I hate cynicism -- it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere.  Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get.  But if you work really hard, and you're kind, amazing things will happen." -- Conan O'brien

The Viking King

It was way too early. I got up. It must have been 5am and it was pouring rain and the world was grey with imposing clouds that spread across the sky as far as the eye could see but not as far as an eagle's eye could see because eagles have bomb vision.

I was wearing those really cool long underwear with the ass flap in the back that make it easy to take a shit when you have to take a shit super fast in an emergency in the middle of the night and you don't have time to take off the whole body underwear. One of the buttons on the flap was unbuttoned so you could see part of my right "nalga."  I moseyed on over to the window and harshly pulled the blinds down to look at the cool rain--it was cool. I scratched my butt lazily.

In my head I was like, "daaammnn, I'm still tired." I walked to my dresser drawer and opened it to look at my recent treasure; I looked at my three pound bag of Peyote and I petted it like it was my pet and I smiled warmly. I yawned all gay.

I jumped on Facebook and updated my status: "hey y'all fuck this... It's too early to be awake. i invite you all to come over to smoke some peyote with me and we'll all go back to sleep in my super huge meditation room.  i have room for a couple hundred so let me know."

I took a hot shower because it was cold outside and it made me feel all warm and fuzzy and good and gay.  I came out of the shower clean and sleepy.  I heard a thousand knocks at my gigantic door.

I opened the door with only a towel wrapped around my waist to see a couple hundred friends ready for a sleepy good time.  "Come in everyone!"  They all came in out of the wet and wild world; I led them to the meditation room and my towel fell off but I didn't care.

I addressed my friends, "Hello!  So I was thinking we'd all smoke a shitload of peyote and go to sleep and see what happens.  Maybe we can all meet in the dreamworld and do cool fun shit."

"Hip hip hooray!  Hip hip hooray!  Hip hip hooray!"  The crowd cheered in unison.

"Alright let's pop this motherfucker off then!"

We hot-boxed the entire room with a little campfire in the middle of the room and we all fell back asleep  at 6am like we should.

I faintly heard someone banging the shit out of my door and saying my name, so, startled, I got up.  I looked around and found that all my sleeping companions were wearing viking gear and were sleeping peacefully in our mead-hall.  I stood listening for the voice calling my name and it came bellowing from outside, "Daaaannny!  Open the fucking door!  I'm going to kill you!"

In response and with a greater and louder voice I yelled, "The hell you will!  I'm going to break this door down from the inside and chop your fucking head off you infidel!  Ahhhhh!"  And my hundreds of friends woke up in their awesome new, but used Viking gear and they all had axes and swords and big hammers like Thor and they all yelled, "Ahhhhh let us go kill!!!"

I went to the door and blasted the shit out of it with a fierce and powerful kick and the door went flying out into the new wilderness we lived in and it shattered when it flew into the monster waiting for me outside.  "Ahhhhh!!!"

I ran out the door, jumped and chopped the head off of that 9 foot tall gargantuan giant.  I picked up his head while his headless body was still standing confused and threw it hard against a near by boulder and it exploded like a watermelon... a watermelon that explodes.  Like maybe if a watermelon was stuffed with a shitload of fireworks and then someone exploded it from the inside.  His head exploded like that and we all cheered.

I turned around to the mob and yelled, "We are vikings!"  And the mob returned, "Yaaa!"

We were now in a sort of winter forest and snow began to fall all around us, but we weren't cold because vikings don't get cold.  We were all tall and buff.

"Hey so what do we now?  What do vikings do?"

"I think we pillage and rape!"

The girls had that had come over to my house to sleep again at 6am and smoke peyote had also turned into vikings--viking woman, tall and hot, blonde and blue eyed, sexy and sexy.  They spoke up, "Ya!  You guys can rape us and then you guys can go pillage some town and bring money, pork, gold, chicken, silver, cattle, and leather skin mini skirts!"  So we raped all of our own women, but they were cool with it so... I don't know if it was real rape.  Real rape is way cooler for vikings, but we said fuck it and just raped them and they were hot and we all orgasmed together and we all yelled at the same time, "Yaaaaa!!! That rape was great!!!"

We went from town to town pillaging for gold and weapons and became very fucking prosperous and wealthy and we stayed healthy.  We were tall and great.  We were happy and we had awesome fucking viking helmets.  After four fucking years or so we started making our way back home--back then that's how long warriors went away from home; we returned home to our women and it was a long journey but we all talked a lot of shit so it was fun.

On the way home we crossed very dark country and there was fog everywhere preventing us from seeing very far.  We are tired tired tired.

And then out of nowhere a fucking wizard appeared before us and he said, "Hey brutes!  I know what you have been up to!  I see the smoke coming out of your nostrils!"  We all tried to chop his head off but we kept missing and when we didn't miss the sword would just go through him--not harming him one bit.  Finally, we were too tired to keep trying to chop his head off and said, "What do you want from us great wizard!?"

"Get on one knee and bow to me motherfuckers!  Or else I'll eat you all alive!"  We got on one knee and bowed.

"I will now crown one of you The Viking King and then I will let you go on your way and you must vow to be my friends and you must promise to help me when I call you in the near future to go to war with a gay wizard I hate."

"We promise wise crazy wizard!"

The crazy wizard chose my close friend Christian to be The Viking King because he knew secretly that Christian had chopped off the most heads (including dickheads) out of all of us.  We cheered like crazy and drank beer with the wizard.

"Well, I'm beat, I will let you fellows get home to your wenches and I will call upon you soon.  Farewell."  The wizard began ambling away from us into the mist, into the fog, into the forest.  We all looked after him when all of a sudden The Viking King Christian stepped forward and threw the biggest fucking sword we had ever seen at the wizard from afar and it chopped his head clean off.

We all roared, "Hip hip hooray!  Hip hip hooray!  Hip hip hooray!  Three cheers for The Viking King! Fuck that gay ass wizard!"  And we went home.

We got home and fucked our viking wives who all had children now, but we didn't know whose kid was whose but it didn't matter because we didn't really care at all.  After sex we all got super fuckin' drunk and felt fine.  We all fell asleep happy and rich and with full happy bellies.

I woke up feeling incredibly rested and looked around to find myself, years later, in my old gigantic cool meditation room from another life, from many years ago.  I ran to a mirror to find that I was now about 70 years old and I got sad.  People were waking up all around me finding that they too had aged a lot from the 40 year peyote nap we had just taken.

"Oh shit we fell asleep for like 40 years dude."  Christian came up to me.

"Shit man, that was cool huh?  How did you like being The Viking King?"  I asked him.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"We all met up in our peyote dreams and we were all vikings... weren't we?"

"Dude, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about... I just rode a unicorn around the universe like robocop visiting different planets and stars and having sex with a bunch of aliens... I couldn't find any of you fuckers."