The Viking King

It was way too early. I got up. It must have been 5am and it was pouring rain and the world was grey with imposing clouds that spread across the sky as far as the eye could see but not as far as an eagle's eye could see because eagles have bomb vision.

I was wearing those really cool long underwear with the ass flap in the back that make it easy to take a shit when you have to take a shit super fast in an emergency in the middle of the night and you don't have time to take off the whole body underwear. One of the buttons on the flap was unbuttoned so you could see part of my right "nalga."  I moseyed on over to the window and harshly pulled the blinds down to look at the cool rain--it was cool. I scratched my butt lazily.

In my head I was like, "daaammnn, I'm still tired." I walked to my dresser drawer and opened it to look at my recent treasure; I looked at my three pound bag of Peyote and I petted it like it was my pet and I smiled warmly. I yawned all gay.

I jumped on Facebook and updated my status: "hey y'all fuck this... It's too early to be awake. i invite you all to come over to smoke some peyote with me and we'll all go back to sleep in my super huge meditation room.  i have room for a couple hundred so let me know."

I took a hot shower because it was cold outside and it made me feel all warm and fuzzy and good and gay.  I came out of the shower clean and sleepy.  I heard a thousand knocks at my gigantic door.

I opened the door with only a towel wrapped around my waist to see a couple hundred friends ready for a sleepy good time.  "Come in everyone!"  They all came in out of the wet and wild world; I led them to the meditation room and my towel fell off but I didn't care.

I addressed my friends, "Hello!  So I was thinking we'd all smoke a shitload of peyote and go to sleep and see what happens.  Maybe we can all meet in the dreamworld and do cool fun shit."

"Hip hip hooray!  Hip hip hooray!  Hip hip hooray!"  The crowd cheered in unison.

"Alright let's pop this motherfucker off then!"

We hot-boxed the entire room with a little campfire in the middle of the room and we all fell back asleep  at 6am like we should.

I faintly heard someone banging the shit out of my door and saying my name, so, startled, I got up.  I looked around and found that all my sleeping companions were wearing viking gear and were sleeping peacefully in our mead-hall.  I stood listening for the voice calling my name and it came bellowing from outside, "Daaaannny!  Open the fucking door!  I'm going to kill you!"

In response and with a greater and louder voice I yelled, "The hell you will!  I'm going to break this door down from the inside and chop your fucking head off you infidel!  Ahhhhh!"  And my hundreds of friends woke up in their awesome new, but used Viking gear and they all had axes and swords and big hammers like Thor and they all yelled, "Ahhhhh let us go kill!!!"

I went to the door and blasted the shit out of it with a fierce and powerful kick and the door went flying out into the new wilderness we lived in and it shattered when it flew into the monster waiting for me outside.  "Ahhhhh!!!"

I ran out the door, jumped and chopped the head off of that 9 foot tall gargantuan giant.  I picked up his head while his headless body was still standing confused and threw it hard against a near by boulder and it exploded like a watermelon... a watermelon that explodes.  Like maybe if a watermelon was stuffed with a shitload of fireworks and then someone exploded it from the inside.  His head exploded like that and we all cheered.

I turned around to the mob and yelled, "We are vikings!"  And the mob returned, "Yaaa!"

We were now in a sort of winter forest and snow began to fall all around us, but we weren't cold because vikings don't get cold.  We were all tall and buff.

"Hey so what do we now?  What do vikings do?"

"I think we pillage and rape!"

The girls had that had come over to my house to sleep again at 6am and smoke peyote had also turned into vikings--viking woman, tall and hot, blonde and blue eyed, sexy and sexy.  They spoke up, "Ya!  You guys can rape us and then you guys can go pillage some town and bring money, pork, gold, chicken, silver, cattle, and leather skin mini skirts!"  So we raped all of our own women, but they were cool with it so... I don't know if it was real rape.  Real rape is way cooler for vikings, but we said fuck it and just raped them and they were hot and we all orgasmed together and we all yelled at the same time, "Yaaaaa!!! That rape was great!!!"

We went from town to town pillaging for gold and weapons and became very fucking prosperous and wealthy and we stayed healthy.  We were tall and great.  We were happy and we had awesome fucking viking helmets.  After four fucking years or so we started making our way back home--back then that's how long warriors went away from home; we returned home to our women and it was a long journey but we all talked a lot of shit so it was fun.

On the way home we crossed very dark country and there was fog everywhere preventing us from seeing very far.  We are tired tired tired.

And then out of nowhere a fucking wizard appeared before us and he said, "Hey brutes!  I know what you have been up to!  I see the smoke coming out of your nostrils!"  We all tried to chop his head off but we kept missing and when we didn't miss the sword would just go through him--not harming him one bit.  Finally, we were too tired to keep trying to chop his head off and said, "What do you want from us great wizard!?"

"Get on one knee and bow to me motherfuckers!  Or else I'll eat you all alive!"  We got on one knee and bowed.

"I will now crown one of you The Viking King and then I will let you go on your way and you must vow to be my friends and you must promise to help me when I call you in the near future to go to war with a gay wizard I hate."

"We promise wise crazy wizard!"

The crazy wizard chose my close friend Christian to be The Viking King because he knew secretly that Christian had chopped off the most heads (including dickheads) out of all of us.  We cheered like crazy and drank beer with the wizard.

"Well, I'm beat, I will let you fellows get home to your wenches and I will call upon you soon.  Farewell."  The wizard began ambling away from us into the mist, into the fog, into the forest.  We all looked after him when all of a sudden The Viking King Christian stepped forward and threw the biggest fucking sword we had ever seen at the wizard from afar and it chopped his head clean off.

We all roared, "Hip hip hooray!  Hip hip hooray!  Hip hip hooray!  Three cheers for The Viking King! Fuck that gay ass wizard!"  And we went home.

We got home and fucked our viking wives who all had children now, but we didn't know whose kid was whose but it didn't matter because we didn't really care at all.  After sex we all got super fuckin' drunk and felt fine.  We all fell asleep happy and rich and with full happy bellies.

I woke up feeling incredibly rested and looked around to find myself, years later, in my old gigantic cool meditation room from another life, from many years ago.  I ran to a mirror to find that I was now about 70 years old and I got sad.  People were waking up all around me finding that they too had aged a lot from the 40 year peyote nap we had just taken.

"Oh shit we fell asleep for like 40 years dude."  Christian came up to me.

"Shit man, that was cool huh?  How did you like being The Viking King?"  I asked him.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"We all met up in our peyote dreams and we were all vikings... weren't we?"

"Dude, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about... I just rode a unicorn around the universe like robocop visiting different planets and stars and having sex with a bunch of aliens... I couldn't find any of you fuckers."