There I was, a skinny little bitch with a big ass head pondering the mysteries of God and finding gladness in the truth that sooner or later I would be the proud owner of a sword.
I thought I'd start at the beginning. Genesis was pretty sweet because I was already familiar with many of the stories. There is a lot of cool shit in there! Way too many to talk about here and now. I'm writing this while trying to finish Beowulf for school and having a boner (not related). Not easy.
(Note: to any readers out there around the world that are not very familiar with the Bible, all the stories I'm about to relate are true albeit in my own lingo--in my own words. They are real Bible stories nonetheless. No bullshit.)
We got Adam and Eve fucking around probably boning every waking hour and thinking, "Holy shit existence is awesome! Hey Eve remember when we didn't exist like two hours ago? Me neither ha ha! This is great! Let's do it again! Bring your titties to me! Thanks God!" Then they eat apples and they're fucked and God's like, "You outta this bitch Eden! Out out out you go. See ya when you die." Then they have an asshole son and a good son (just like that weird Macaulay Culkin movie where one brother tries to kill him, or he's the one killing the family or whatever). Why did Cain kill Abel? Because he was able!
Back then everyone lived to 900 years old which was pretty sweet I think. I wonder if they just got wrinklier and wrinklier. Maybe they got bored as fuck and were like "Hey dude I just turned 723 years old... when do we die? What the fuck man I'm scared... what if we live forever? What if this shit never ends! I'm tripping dude."
"Nah man, stop tripping. Just don't think about it dude. Take a slam of some wine. Let's get drunk."
Life goes on with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob (aka the main dude Israel!). Israel has a shitload of sons (12). One of those dudes has a cousin (or brother? or uncle?) named Lot (which I always thought was a weird name and it always made me think of a parking lot). Then Lot dodges the whole Sodom and Gomorrah fiasco. He's all chillin' at his house when two angels show up at his house and tell him "Yo dude, God has seen fit to save you and your family so you gotta get the hell out of this shithole and what the fuck man, a bunch of gay dudes were trying to rape us on our way into town."
"Oh ya sorry about those dudes. They try to rape everyone that comes into town. I already tried to send my virgin daughters out to them but they weren't interested."
"Well shit man, we gotta get outta here. Get outta here soon, and when you're out of the town make sure you and your family don't look back or you're liable to turn into a stature made of salt and you'll be dead. That's the deal bitch."
"Alright cool man thanks for the heads up and hey... sorry about the fags outside again. They're really rude, but they just don't know any better, you can't spare them?"
"Nah man we burning this bitch to the ground so get the fuck outta here."
"Aight aight. Hey family pack your bags we gotta get the fuck out of here! NOW damn it!" Lot yells at his family while the angels fly back to heaven and Lot waves at them.
"LOT! Damn it! I told you not to yell in the house you dick! You dickless bastard! Did you put the girls out to get raped?"
"Sorry honey. No the girls are ready to go!"
"Do we have to leave? I had plans to go shopping with all my gay friends tomorrow! I was gonna buy a new snuggie and some desert ass sandals!"
"No!" So the whole family gets the hell out of dodge and wouldn't you know it... the damned wife turns around and turns into salt. "Fucking good riddance you old hag." I'm sure Lot was thinking something like that... nah he was a nice dude.
And then the most abominable thing in the whole Bible happens. Lot and his two daughters cruise out to the desert, or forest, or jungle or wherever and they move on from Sodom or Gomorrah. Now the daughters are so hard up to have kids that they're all like, "Damn sister! What we gonna do now?"
"Well, we gotta get pregnant! Shit! This sucks. All those gay fucks in Sodom didn't wanna fuck us because they gay!"
"Well, fuck that, I'm not gonna not have kids. I don't know about you."
"Shit... what to do, what to do..." Then they both look at their dad reading the Bible a couple feet away.
"Umm, hey sis... I don't wanna sound like a super creep, but... you know... maybe... we could get dad drunk as fuck and then we can fuck him and get pregnant?"
"You're sick you know that!... You're sick... but... you might be on to something... alright fuck it I'm down."
Well, there you go. Great idea ladies. I am dumbfounded that there are so many uptight Christians with these kinds of stories in the Bible and I love the Bible for being so real and candid about the fucked up shit that went down. Gotta keep it real--true stories about real people that didn't have perfect lives by any standards. It makes me proud to be a Christian and gives me hope. I would guess that, in general, most "Christians" see themselves as some holy, pure fucks and look down on anyone that smokes cigarettes or says fuck, as if they are better than anyone that is not a Christian. I'd say their pride makes them the worst people; they have no empathy or love. And when they pray all they do is ask for shit. "Lord, if it is your will, please help me get this job at Starbucks." As if God gives a fuck about you getting a job at Starbucks and why the fuck you gonna pray for that shit? People are insane. And then, when they don't get their precious job they think "Oh God didn't want me to have that job. Maybe He wants me to work at Target or Urban Outfitters." Blaming God for their shittiness and lack of job-getting skills. They just want everything for free. Fuck off. There are Christians in Africa dying of AIDS and starvation; that's right, even Christians can get/have AIDS too! Christians are no different than non-Christians (and I'd say some "Christians" are worse). And homie over here is asking for some gay ass job. As if life is all just candy and flowers and smiles and rainbows and bullshit. They literally think if you're a true "Christian" life will be perfect and easy and you'll never have problems, or AIDS, and you can go to Disneyland every other day.
And the story continues...
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| Ready to read the Bible from beginning to end! |
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