In The End I Didn't Try Meth

Sometimes (all the time?), I like to drink about four to five beers really fast and then two more after that.  The way it works is like this: It'll be around twilight--when the world has a real sense of mystery, importance to it, and a general awesome feeling to it.  The sun is on the horizon, leaving us to the moon and its mysteries.  It's a daily farewell.  I bust out my stash of warm ass beers and get ready for a fucked up fun night and I'll be doing this on my own.  So first I slam two beers, my stomach feels like shit, my mouth starts producing prodigious amounts of slimy saliva, I run to the toilet and throw up half it.  At this point my stomach knows what I'm up to and resigns itself to what comes next... five more beers--this time no more vomiting, just the slow creeping buzzing feeling and incredible peace and happiness.  Hell ya I'm fucking feeling good now.  I'll dance in my underwear for a mintue and then get dressed as the sun makes its final farewells.  Goodbye sun!  Hello night time.  I am no longer afraid of the dark.  All my friends in my stomach keep me safe.

This was one of those nights!  So I got all cool looking with some clothes I had just bought, I put on my half-boots, and made my hair look cool, and got out of my house and started making my way into the dark streets to see what would happen.

I was feeling fine as fuck as I got a couple miles away from home and reached downtown.  Since this was a Tuesday there wasn't much happening, so I decided to creep in the alleyways in case I ran into some bums I could talk to or something.  Instead, I ran into an Escondido prostitute!  "Why hello there!  How much do you charge?"  I wasn't falling over or anything... I was smooth and funny.  "Charge for what?"  She gave me a puzzled look.  I looked around to make the point that she was all alone in a dark alleyway in downtown Escondido.  "You're a prostitute... aren't you?"  "Do you want me to be?"  "Ha!  Well shit babe I want you to be whatever you want to be!"  "No honey, I'm not a prostitute, but if I was would you actually be looking for a prostitute?"  "I'm not looking for anything."  "You're funny, let's take a walk."

I grabbed her hand and we took a couple of steps toward nowhere.  She stopped me and pushed me up against a shitty, dirty, brick wall.  "Want to do some drugs?"  "What you got?"  "E."  "Okay." She put a pill on her tongue then forced it into my mouth with her tongue.  I chased it with some whiskey I had in my back pocket.  I offered her some as she took her pill but she said she didn't drink.  "Ha, you're funny.  Okay fuck it, no whiskey for you ma'am!"  And I smiled grandly at her.

"Do you believe in aliens?"  She asked.

I looked at her closely.  I crept my face closer to hers but she didn't mind.  She wasn't afraid of me kissing her and probably would have let me.  I stared at her and noticed she was very good looking and that her tussled hair made her look hot.  She was wearing a mini-skirt, a loose hip blouse and a small hot jacket and high heels.  She had lips that made her look sad and I liked that.  Her eyes looked like they wouldn't mind looking at me forever.  "Hey, you're hot."  She smiled.  "Isn't that the kind of question you ask when you smoke weed... not do E?"

"Do you believe in aliens or not?  I know this really cool alien and he's gonna pick me up in a little bit."

"Okay sure!  I believe in aliens."  I smiled at her and held her hand interlocking fingers.  I was in love again for the millionth time.

A car pulled into the alley we were in and since I was drunk and starting to feel ecstasy I was happy.  "Is this your cool alien friend?"

"Ya.  Get in."

I opened the door for my hottie and a billow of smoke sluggishly oozed out of the car.  I didn't want to offend anyone by talking too much.  My girl climbed in as I took another swig of my whiskey.  "Come in come in."  She said sticking her hand out of the door to guide me in.

I got in and was smoking weed (as far as I knew) just by breathing inside the car.

"Hey dude.  What up what up.  You know Carla?  You know Carla?"  Some semi fat dude was sitting at the other end and my girl (Carla) sitting in between us.  "Ya man I just met her she's cool as fuck."  "Aight cool man cool man.  We can just drop you off here when we done partying?  Cool man cool man.  Hey Frank step on it!  I'm Frank too."  The driver got going to who the hell knows where.

"Cool man I'm Danny man.  Danny Castro."

"Cool cool cool cool cool cool.  Awwww shit this shit is kicking in bro.  Ya bro fuck ya bro."

Carla held my hand.  "Frank, I think I want Danny to be my boyfriend.  He looks so cute in his little sweater."  She was smiling in my face.

"Cool cool cool hell ya he seems cool.  He's about to get a lot cooler too."

"Oh shiiiiit," I heard myself say.  "What are we inhaling the shit out of in here Frank?"

"I told you Frank was an alien."  I heard Carla say a million times in a couple seconds or years.

"Shiiiit."  I said calmly and took a big swig of whiskey.

"Peyote baby baby baby."  Frank smiled over at me.

"Shiiit, ok."  Slowly Frank the driver put the car in flying mode and we were headed to the nearest star in the galaxy or somewhere in outer space.

I was Frank the driver, but I was myself.  I parked the car at some bar next to a black hole.  I walked in the bar and yelled at the top of my lungs, "I"m here young ones!  Where's everybody at?  Good times abide!"

Hemingway walked over to me and I was like "Shit man, long time no see, long time no see."  We hugged like the old friends we were.

"Hey fuck this place,"  he said, "Let's go meet up with Darwin."  He pushed me out of the bar and we jumped into the black hole.

Next thing you know: we were on one of those rubber boats that cruise over swamps or whatever the fuck with the big fans on the back and Darwin was there with a couple monkeys.  He was driving the floaty boat.  "Hey Danny man, how you been?"

"Dude everyone in the world talks about your shit all the time."

"That's cool.  It's not even that big of a deal anyway huh?  We die, we stay the same, we die again, we get lost in black holes.  Shit if you're a man you're a man.  If you're a monkey you're a monkey.  A beetle a beetle.  Everyone's too worried about everything.  Fuck it all man we got forever plus forever to not give a shit and to try to find what the fuck really matters Danny."

"Damn Darwin.  That's what's up I guess."

"Ya man that's what's up.  Gotta keep looking.  I get these monkeys all drunk and shit and they're always happy, it's awesome.  They don't get sick either.  Here let me refill your whiskey."

"Hey fuck, take us down under to talk to some angels."  Hemingway had his own flask and, as usual, wanted to keep moving along.

Darwin steered the craft in a downward position and we went underwater.  A buncha ass mermaids swarmed around us and Hemingway snatched one as Darwin dove deeper and deeper and it was a relief to be able to breathe under water for a change; I took a deep breath and it was fresh.  I looked over and Hemingway wasn't wasting any time: he had a mermaid on his lap, kissing her neck while trying to get his hand up her scales.  I looked for a hot mermaid and when I spotted one I grabbed her and took her seashell bra off and had a fine time with her.  Damn Darwin's mind was worried.  All his theories taken as truth and he was still left wandering searching for truth and knowing that his findings and whatever people deduced from them were ultimately of little consequence in the grand scheme of things.  Poor dude, but at least he was looking as we all should be.  I saw we were heading to a hospital at the bottom of this ocean.

We got to the hospital and hopped off and Darwin changed his face so no one except the angels would recognize him.  The hospital was all white and it seemed to be a privileged establishment.  There were angels in all the rooms, but we beelined to the back and got out some rear exit.  Behind the hospital there were three angels smoking around a table.

"Ah hey hey guys what's goin on?"  One of them said.

"Danny boy is in need of a miracle boys!"  Hemingway smacked me hard on the back.

"Well fuck ya fuck ya I'm down to take you guys to heaven."  The angel that spoke was next to me in less than time could calculate and he had his joint of peyote in my mouth as I inhaled deeply.

The angel made an underwater whirlwind and took us straight up to heaven.  We all walked in and it was all natural.  God cruised up to me right when we got there, but I could see that he cruised up to all of us at the same and separately.  "What you need homie?  Tell me."  "Ah God, I just wanna be home you know?  I just wanna FINALLY be home.  I don't ever wanna have somewhere I have to be or have to do.  I just wanna be HOME for fuck's sake.  I'm so tired all the time.  I mean I feel fine and all, but there's no end and I just wanna be at the end so I can rest like a motherfucker.  And Darwin's all bummed he probably doesn't sleep.  So, I just wish he was cool and set."

"Ya I hear ya I hear ya."

"And this girl invited me to hang out with her alien friend Frank, but I ended up becoming Frank their driver and I decided to visit Hemingway instead and we just been chillin around with Darwin and that angel brought us here.  I like the girl.  I thought she was a prostitute so I was gonna hang out with her, but turns out she's just a cool girl.  I wanna marry her but I don't think I'm the marrying kind you know?  I'd probably end up cheating on her."

"Ya I hear ya I hear ya."

"Aight thanks God.  We'll be cool.  Thanks for everything and sorry for everything."

"Don't worry about it."

We got outta there and I took Darwin back to his monkeys and I took Hemingway to some bar he wanted to go to.  I drove the car back to Escondido and parked it where Carla and I were picked up by Frank and Frank.  I got out of the car and looked back in through an open door.  Carla and the Franks were in there looking out at me.  "You cool?"  "Ya I'm cool, I'm gonna head home."

"You believe in aliens now?"  Carla looking at me.

"I've always believed in aliens girl."

"Well, hey, do you want to be my boyfriend... or..."  Carla looked sad.

"I want to be your boyfriend.  I'll BE your boyfriend.  Girlfriend?"

"Yes."  She smiled her sad, but happy smile.

"Ok."

"Ok.  Well... I'll see you later."

"Ya."

"Hey... do you wanna do some meth with me and Frank?"

"I'm gonna pass on that for now.  I'm gonna go pass out at home."

"Ok, well I'll see you later, and I'll miss you, and we'll make love next time boyfriend."  She spread her legs so I could see her underwear.  I smiled at her.  I was horny to make love to her and horny to be in love with her forever.  She smiled at me and winked at me in a sexy way and blew me a kiss.

It was a strange trip I had taken.  Hemingway out there barhopping.  Darwin being all bummed out eternally on his quest for truth.  Frank and Frank driving around.  Carla and I falling in love.  I still love her.