"Hey man, what do you think it means to 'love God?'" I mused.
"Well shit man... to love everything he is I guess?"
"So to hate the devil would be to hate everything that the devil is? What is God?"
"He's a big ass dude in heaven who loves good things and not raping people and to be nice to people. God is goodness and the devil is badness. So if you hate raping bitches... you hate the devil."
"Shit, sounds easy enough to me man. I'd hate to be raped. And I'd hate for some little ass cute ass blonde ass vulnerable ass little girl to get the shit raped out of her by some stinky ass big ass motherfuck bloke with a crooked dick. So, ipso facto, I hate the devil and I love God. We're Christians dude!"
"Well shit, IF all that shit is true and there IS a God, then I love him too. The devil's not gonna be happy with us dude. If he exists he probably fucking hates us for not picking his side... shit he probably hates us either way. If I were the devil I'd just hate everyone no matter what."
"And IF God does exist, then I love the shit out of him. He's the good guy. The martyr. The best. IF he does exist then there's a heaven and I'd rather go there than to hell with a bunch of rapists and fat asses and jerks. I wanna be in heaven with all my dead homies and where depression doesn't exist."
"Yup yup."
I thought about how odd it is that sometimes it is a GOOD thing to hate. I hate little girls being raped. I hate little boys being raped. I hate legal aged women (18 and up) getting raped... unless they're into that kind of shit. In which case, I'm not sure if I hate it. "Bartender my man! Can we get two long islands for my friend here and a Red Bull double vodka for myself? Thanks man."
I turned to Justen and in a hushed way, "Alright, so what? Now I owe this fuck a two dollar tip or more for pouring us some fucking drinks? I OWE him two fucking dollars for pouring us fucking drinks. I'm gonna make my fucking tip worth it." Louder and to the bartender, "Sir bartender my good man! I shall be tipping you four dollars for your troubles, thank you sir!" The bartender turned around, brought our empty glasses in front of us and magically made my Red Bull double vodka into a Red Bull quadruple vodka and made Justen's Long Islands into superhero Long Islands and gave us free shots of Bombay Sapphire on the side and then he winked at us.
"Where you guys headed?"
"Hey man that's none of your business."
We had a good chuckle.
"We're off to Japan and you're sending us off quite right mate! Thanks and cheers!" The bartender took a mad chug of some crazy looking gold bottle, "Cheers mates!"
Over the loudspeaker all over the airport: "NOW BOARDING THE FLIGHT TO JAPAN. ANNOUNCEMENT ANNOUNCEMENT! NOW BOARDING THE FLIGHT TO JAPAN. ALL YOU FUCKS GOING TO JAPAN GET ON THE FUCKING PLANE NOW. IF YOU'RE GOING TO JAPAN GET ON THE FUCKING PLANE THAT IS NOW GOING THERE. HURRY UP BITCHES BECAUSE WE'RE NOT GONNA WAIT FOR YOUR DUMB ASSES IF YOU'RE NOT ON THE PLANE ON TIME. ALL ABOARD TO JAPAN!"
Justen and I thought it was really cool how different things are Down Under.
We found our seats and sat the fuck down. We agreed to switch seats if one or the other wanted to look out the fucking window to see how cool it looks looking out the window at the earth from a plane. Super cool dude. No one gives a fuck about that anymore do they?
I thought I'd embarrass Justen, so, when the hot-as-fuck stewardess walked by I said to her, "Excuse me, really hot stewardess, may my friend and I get a couple jack and cokes?"
"Oh I'm sorry you have to wait until we're in the air."
"Oh but we were really looking forward to drinking before we were in the air and plus you're really really beautiful."
"Not very smooth mister, but okay, the best I can do is sneak you a couple of tiny bottles each before take off. Hold on a second."
"Oh and miss, my friend here thinks you are incredibly beautiful and he is on the brink of asking you to marry him... he's just a little bit shy."
She looked at Justen and then back at me, "Tell your friend I think he's ok." Then she winked at Justen and gave him an insanely sexy smile as if she was saying "Wait 'till you see what I have in store for you big boy." She came back super fast with a shitload of assorted bottles for us--fucking whiskey, vodka, gin, rum, buncha ass little tiny bottles for a good take off experience. Justen and I do NOT do well flying. The stewardess dropped the bag full of bottles on Justen's lap and then leaned in to whisper in my ear, "It could have been you, but tell your friend I'm really good with my tongue and that if he needs to 'use' the bathroom to use the one in the front." I looked at her with a grave look on my face and said, "I love you." She gave me a kiss on the cheek and off she went.
Justen and I pounded a couple bottles each right before take off.
"Dude!" I whisper screamed at Justen so that no one could hear me, "That waitress is gonna suck your dick! You mother fucker! She's gonna suck your big ass dick in the middle of the air. I want my dick sucked in midair you bastard ha ha ha!"
"What are you talking about man? You and your crazy bullshit ha ha ha."
"She whispered to me to tell you that she's really good with her tongue and that if you have to 'use' the restroom to use the one up front. Lucky bastard."
"Ha ha ha well I'll be the judge of that tongue. Thanks for hooking that up. Cheers." We drank another little assorted bottle.
About a mile up in the air Justen all of a sudden had an urge to 'use' the restroom... maybe it was all the drinks he had... maybe it was something else. He walked to the front of the airplane and I saw the hot-as-fuck stewardess close the curtain behind them.
We landed in Japan. Since our trip to Japan was a high-minded one in nature and purpose we immediately set out to find a whorehouse to have sex with some fine ass Japanese women to get that out of the way. We quickly found one and I had three girls in my room. After the erotic madness, I was thinking clearly, I had my head straight and I was ready for the mission.
We cleaned up at a nearby hotel, hailed a cab, and made our way to a secret ninja compound. We arrived at a fucked up looking warehouse. I knocked and someone shouted something from inside and then I shouted the secret password and then they let us in. "How can we help you fine gentlemen from the west?"
"Sensei, we need a couple of your best ninjas to help us break out a friend from a North Korean prison."
"For Danny and Justen... anything. Both of you have saved my life countless times and have helped the cause of the ninja many a time. You two are... legends."
He told us to get on a specific boat at a specific time that would take us to a specific coast in North Korea. A buncha ass undercover ninjas would be accompanying us. We did as we were told. When we got to North Korea we were told by the ninjas to stay in the boat and that they would come back with our friend within an hour. We knew better, so, as soon they were out of view we got the fuck out of the boat with a sniper rifle each in hand. We found some strategic places to hide. Justen made a quick fox hole in the sand facing our boat about a hundred yards away. I wrapped myself in leaves and climbed a big tree facing our boat--I was about 50 yards away.
Just as we thought, five North Korean special ops elite warriors came out of the jungle carrying machetes, grenades, machine guns, missile launchers, grenade launchers, hand guns, and swords. They had our ninja friends and our prisoner friend tied up and with sacks over their heads. They pushed them to the edge of the beach and made them kneel. Our boat was twenty yards away in the ocean, but it was super cool that we weren't in the fucking boat! Our homies were on their knees with their hands tied behind their backs and their heads hanging in utter despair. They thought they were as good as dead and were super sad about it. They were also really sad because they thought they had failed us.
One of the North Korean shit-heads screamed at the boat in broken English, "We know you in der bitches! We know you in da boat you bitches! Danny! Justen! We fackin know you in der! You all stupid! Stupid stupid stupid! We no kill you stupid fren! But now! Now you come to us with stupid ninjas! Now we kill you stupid fren and we kill you stupid ninjas! We chop dem up and we blow dem up! Danny! Justen! Come out! We shoot you boat with magic missile! You die! Danny! Justen!"
I whispered into my walkie-talkie, "Yo Justen, I'm gonna slam one of the little bottles of whiskey I still have."
He whispered back, "Alright cool. Me too."
"Alright man. Ready?"
I responded, "Ya, I'm ready."
"Danny Danny Danny! Justen Justen Justen!" The North Korean was jumping up and down with his short little legs. "We blow you da fuck up bitches!"
Justen shot two of the North Koreans in the head killing them. I shot two of the North Koreans in the head killing them. Justen automatically and quickly loaded a tranquilizer into his sniper rifle and shot the jumping-up-and-down-and-yelling North Korean in the neck. He fell down instantly. We did all of this within one second. I jumped off the tree and stripped off the leaves and Justen was already next to me as we trotted to our homies and the temporarily paralyzed North Korean. "Hey you little fuck North Korean. We beat you bitch ha ha ha. See ya next time asshole." Justen was laughing in his face.
"Faaaaccckkkk you Justen!" The little North Korean Hitler couldn't do shit except for scream and watch as we escaped.
We untied our homies and we all jumped into the boat. We made our way back to Japan super fast and returned the ninjas to the sensei.
"Faaaaccckkkk you Justen!" The little North Korean Hitler couldn't do shit except for scream and watch as we escaped.
We untied our homies and we all jumped into the boat. We made our way back to Japan super fast and returned the ninjas to the sensei.
We flew back to Australia and from Australia we flew to Hawaii and dropped off our friend with specific instructions: "Use this secret bank card that has a limit of one million dollars to relax and take a vacation. You may return to the continental U.S. once you have spent the million dollars and had a good time and relaxed and felt better after being a prisoner of North Korean shit-heads."
As for Justen and me, well, we went back to whatever it is we do when we're not out doing whatever it is that we also do.
No comments:
Post a Comment